Did I start an 'emotional affair'?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi... .I have been feeling very guilty post-breakup with my BPD ex (mostly because all I am feeling is relief!) My main guilt is that its been insinuated that me and a male friend started getting closer- (we both ended very similar relationships, and I am highly suspicious his ex had BPD/NPD) and we ended our relationships nearly simultaenously. I think we were both relieved to have another's emotional support who understood us, and we are talking more lately, just having fun- but people believe my lack of sadness over my ex isnt down to his controlling, possessive behaviour (I just feel drained and guilty, while paradoxically relieved) but that I have somehow moved 'onto' my friend... .

I am just enjoying someone else's company, someone who makes me smile... .is this an emotional affair? Or are people just not understanding my relief at how impossible my relationship was?

[BB]

Hi... .I have been feeling very guilty post-breakup with my BPD ex (mostly because all I am feeling is relief!) My main guilt is that its been insinuated that me and a male friend started getting closer- (we both ended very similar relationships, and I am highly suspicious his ex had BPD/NPD) and we ended our relationships nearly simultaenously. I think we were both relieved to have another's emotional support who understood us, and we are talking more lately, just having fun- but people believe my lack of sadness over my ex isnt down to his controlling, possessive behaviour (I just feel drained and guilty, while paradoxically relieved) but that I have somehow moved 'onto' my friend... .

I am just enjoying someone else's company, someone who makes me smile... .is this an emotional affair? Or are people just not understanding my relief at how impossible my relationship was?

[ItsAboutTime]

I think it's only a natural thing to bond with someone who understands exactly what you've been through. I would caution however, that empathy with each others past shouldn't be seen as anything more than that. If he makes you laugh, then that's an emotion yes. Accept it for that for now, no more. Enjoy the friendship. 

[schwing]

Hi BB,

Hi... .I have been feeling very guilty post-breakup with my BPD ex (mostly because all I am feeling is relief!) My main guilt is that its been insinuated that me and a male friend started getting closer- (we both ended very similar relationships, and I am highly suspicious his ex had BPD/NPD) and we ended our relationships nearly simultaenously.

Just a head's up.  I think there is a fleeting possibility that your male friend, whose ex you believe is BPD/NPD, is the person with BPD/NPD.  Keep in mind that a person with BPD (pwBPD) is likely to project all of their disordered behaviors/feelings onto their partners.  So in a sense, if someone else were to gain the confidence of your BPD ex, they might be under the impression that you were the one who is suffering from BPD/NPD (because of all the projection).  And without having any direct interaction with you to dissuade them, they would be none the wiser.

Also, never mind that he just got out of a dysfunctional relationship.  *You* just got out of a dysfunctional relationship.  And from my perspective that makes you emotionally unavailable.  As I see it, if you decide to initiate a new relationship so soon, you may by setting this relationship up for untimely demise.

That said, the best cure for a broken heart is to fall in love.  You are an adult, I will defer to your judgement for what is best for you.

I think we were both relieved to have another's emotional support who understood us, and we are talking more lately, just having fun- but people believe my lack of sadness over my ex isnt down to his controlling, possessive behaviour (I just feel drained and guilty, while paradoxically relieved) but that I have somehow moved 'onto' my friend... .

I think what you are feeling and experiencing is quite human and forgivable.  It is your path.  You decide how to walk it.  After the end of my BPD relationship, I was only single for a few months before I fell hard for another woman.  I guess I sort of needed it because I was stuck.  But I felt that walking into that relationship with all that baggage did regrettably doom that relationship from the start.  It took me a several months of that relationship to realize that I need more time alone.  That was me, your experience may prove to be different.

I am just enjoying someone else's company, someone who makes me smile... .is this an emotional affair? Or are people just not understanding my relief at how impossible my relationship was?

Is it an "affair" if you are referring to your BPD as an "ex"?  If you have communicated to your ex that the relationship is over as clearly as you can, just because they cannot accept this does not mean you are cheating on them.

Best wishes, Schwing

[BB]

Thankyou for both the replies. Schwing- I did indeed meet his ex, and she was a treat  the only real emotional instability I saw from his side was after she solicited three of my friends in front of him, threw of her top, and told him she no longer loved him... all at a party we were at... .so I'm doubtful that he was projecting.

I was just enjoying another's company, but due to my ex's love of 'You're BPD just like me!' many of his friends have questioned the relationship to me, mainly because I don't seem very 'upset' over the break up... .

I haven't really started anything with him. Hes just a nice person that makes me smile again (and I feel like thats been a long time coming!) I suppose I still have the brainwashing of 'it was up to me to provide happiness' for my ex and me being happy, even with a friend, feels forbidden in many ways

[2010]

Just a head's up.  I think there is a fleeting possibility that your male friend, whose ex you believe is BPD/NPD, is the person with BPD/NPD.  Keep in mind that a person with BPD (pwBPD) is likely to project all of their disordered behaviors/feelings onto their partners.

Schwing- I did indeed meet his ex, and she was a treat the only real emotional instability I saw from his side was after she solicited three of my friends in front of him, threw off her top, and told him she no longer loved him... all at a party we were at... .so I'm doubtful that he was projecting.

No, he's not projecting. He's using you in triangulation (read definition). Schwings observations are spot-on about you being emotionally unavailable. The fact that you've now traded in one drama for another is also a very good sign of staying in trauma.

I am just enjoying someone else's company, someone who makes me smile... .is this an emotional affair?

It's self medicating with another human being who is not able to counsel you properly concerning your loss. It's inappropriate sharing of projection and blame. It's splitting of the former partners with unhealthy results. (She's very unhappy with you and he's overjoyed.) It's avoidance of alone-ness.

You might even stuff away your own feelings as you counsel your new friend to go through his own.  Meanwhile, he's triangulating (read definition) you with the ex. It's a tangle of distraction, keeping you away from your own healing.

Eventually you'll need to be on your own, without anyone else to take your mind off of your ex, or re-live the trauma or anyone elses trauma. You also have to understand that when an ex-girlfriend sees you and takes her top off- it's to spite her ex-boyfriend, who now appears to have moved on with you. That doesn't make you look very good for getting in the middle of this. It's also a very unhealthy drama triangle for the three of you.

The only way to win is not to play.  Some alone time helps in this regard. 

[BB]

Sorry I don't think I made it very clear- his ex did that a while back, a couple months, and he's been dealing with the fall out, I wasn't involved in the incident I just made sure he was feeling okay, rather then getting into any drama. (I decided not to know her personally). I just told him I was there if he needed to share his experience with someone not involved? It doesn't seem like triangulating (read definition) to me... .he's only ever mentioned her if she would call when we were out together and I only knew of her behaviour when I saw her at the party, and one very bad night of his when he needed a friend.

The top off incident was while they were still together to my knowledge, and he and I have only really got closer after they broke up. I don't think I am using him to stop reliving trauma... .I have been through trauma therapy in regards to high school and this feels different to old relationships/friendships I made in order to stop the ache and anger, in a way.

I am seeing a therapist separately to cope with my loss and I'm not planning on starting anything with this friend... .it's just a close friendship, and after so many months without that I felt unsure about what would it seem like? Would having someone in my life in a way my ex would have forbidden (he was very... .strange about me having friends) be an emotional affair?

I was only with my ex 6 months, and I am only 20... .for me I did not have much invested (no kids, no finances, no living together, THANK GOD) and just finding getting out doing fun things I became scared of doing really exciting, especially that I am able to be back in contact with friends. I think because me and this particular friend were in such a similar situation he knows why I've been AWOL and distant so there's no explanation needed, we both just go out and have fun. I will definitley mention the ideas of triangulation (read definition) and codependancy to my therapist and see what she will say in regards to it though, what she thinks is the best course of action

[valkyriemp]

BB I'm not sure if some of the question I'm hearing is understanding a definition of an emotional affair.  Certainly - that was a question I was left with.  My ex was the jealous sort and would accuse me of this when I opened up to friends (male and female) and family... .always thought it was like brainwashing... .if you can't talk to someone else about it, it's only your word against theirs.

But certainly, after a relationship with a BPD, 'me time' is important.  And even if there is somebody there distracting you from all that's going on... .and chances are that's what's happening... .you still have to deal with your own issues when they're not around.  Certainly in my own experience, I went and found somebody new to save.  We took up way too much of each others time way too soon and left me wondering if I was the one with BPD  .  We've all got a little bit of something eh.

I didn't realise at the time that's what I was doing, but it was probably damaging to a friendship in the long term because I was just looking for a new puzzle to solve.  I didn't realise till after the 'doomed' relationship how much of my time had been dedicated to trying to figure out my ex.

I guess as long as you're taking the time for yourself to identify how you got there, how you avoid going there again, how to accept the crazy moments and memories that seem so bamboozling you'll be fine.

Don't believe the accusations, but be sure you know yourself.

 

[2010]

It doesn't seem like triangulating (read definition) to me... .he's only ever mentioned her if she would call when we were out together

You, him and her makes three. That's a triangle.  If it was just you and him, you'd be in a relationship that didn't have a hard edge to overcome.  Anytime a third person is involved, there is a hard edge.

I am seeing a therapist separately to cope with my loss and I'm not planning on starting anything with this friend... .it's just a close friendship, and after so many months without that I felt unsure about what would it seem like? Would having someone in my life in a way my ex would have forbidden (he was very... .strange about me having friends) be an emotional affair?

BB, there is no reason that you cannot have friends, especially close friends with women.  Ask yourself what the attraction is to a Man whose girlfriend still calls him on the phone while you are out together.  A Man who gossips *with* you about drama with another woman will gossip *about* you. There are no boundaries in place until you place them.  Something is keeping you keyed into the drama.

His story and your story are completely different. Stop projecting similarities onto each other. A healthy need to talk about personal reflection should be what you are working toward in your therapy- but a need to listen to him talk about his girlfriend is triangulation (read definition).  Perhaps the pull of drama is what keeps you feeling needed as a rescuer-or there is some projection of your feelings onto him- but that is not a close friendship, that is neediness.

You must try and recognize when needs become attractions and friendships are forged based upon the confusion and chaos and where you see a fit that keeps you coming back for more involvement.  Talk to your therapist about why the idea of female friends is not more interesting to you. 

[BB]

Valkyriemp- thankyou I think you might be right in that I should have a lot of space within the friendship Maybe that was my question, that as soon as my relationship ended, I was just getting closer to a friend, and I suppose that is as bad as the codependency on my ex! I was just worrying over how others were seeing it but I think it is healthy so long as I don't get into needing him everyday just to be happy.

2010- I would say that I am bisexual so female friends may be just as bad =/ its not that I have romantic feelings for him, but if thats the concern with him being male then perhaps I am better w/o friends for the moment? So there would be no attraction?

As for the projection, I have only understood of his situation that she had a 'severe depressive PD' and my ex had BPD with psychosis... .they are entirely unrelated but I can understand he is confused and hurting but neither of us really goes deep in our feelings... .I suggested he talk to a counsellor as that helps me... .I think the only real 'triangulation (read definition)' is him saying, oh she's calling me/she's texted me, I'm not answering or when he stayed with me during my ex going missing and threatening suicide and only talking to me, so I wasn't on my own. Perhaps I dragged him into a triangle then w/o realising  ?

[valkyriemp]

We are none of us perfect and make our mistakes... .wittingly or otherwise.

The thing to remember is that we have the functioning to acknowledge that and learn from it, instead of making the same mistake again.  So many people have said that the benefit of being in such an extreme relationship is that it's very difficult to avoid the question of why... .

... .so we don't find ourselves there again.

I think you got it right when you said the trick is in knowing that you are standing on your own two feet and dealing with things.  Not needing somebody... .anybody... .else's time or messages or whatever else to keep you going.

[2010]

2010- I would say that I am bisexual so female friends may be just as bad =/ its not that I have romantic feelings for him, but if thats the concern with him being male then perhaps I am better w/o friends for the moment? So there would be no attraction?

Everyone needs friends. And, you can have friends without the friendship becoming sexualized. As I said before, there is no reason that you cannot have friends, especially close friends with women.

Some women that you will meet are heterosexual, and they would only be interested in you as a platonic friend. Having a friendship that cannot be sexualized is a very good thing. Sexualizing a friendship often ends the friendship unless two people are committed to each other and not engaging in third party quarrels (there's that triangulation (read definition) thing again.)

Since you brought up the question of whether you "moved on" from your previous relationship and were starting an emotional affair, the romantic implications are nuanced- but you'll be the best judge as to your romantic attraction- and his.

If you are unsure about the platonic rule, discuss with your therapist about whether or not you feel uneasy basing a friendship where sex may or (may not) become an issue. Most friendships start slow and last a long time because people trust each other, not because of need or circumstances.  In much of triangulation (read definition), the fear that the third party can come back or reengage is stressful- so you'll need to be each others sounding board allowing you to trust. This can sometimes turn into anxiety over control ( or lack of it) as well.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure it's what you needed to do at the moment. Good luck to you and I hope it works out. 

[BB]

Hi everyone, thanks for your input... .

I think possibly due to a family history of serial monogamy (dad) I was wary of apple not far from the tree syndrome, which really wasn't helped by the relief I was feeling, not having to be 'on call' 24/7 to just be accused of cheating... .

However, I discussed it with my therapist and she pointed out for me its easier to be friends with people I empathised with.

He and I both have awkward relationship history and I think its easier to be with someone who can take good and bad periods and kind of understand, rather than friends who would say how my ex acted must have been in relation to how I acted, so people have assumed I must have cheated/flirted.

It's not an emotional affair or way of enmeshment I just wanted some pleasant company, and after losing lots of my friends because they would hear things he would say, or I would cancel plans to council a 'suicidal' (sometimes he was... .sometimes it was a ploy)  it was nice I still had someone who would really enjoy my company and understand why often I would be unavailable.

I'm hoping that for me and my friend, we can both move past our troubles with our partners and hopefully I can reconcile some other relationships that were broken as an after-effect of what would go on in my relationship.