what got you through/the BPD survival kit

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

folks,

im kind of interested in compiling a grand list of my own, for how to survive a breakup with a borderline. i know what helped me, large and small. so im looking for some feedback. what was a godsend to you? what made a huge difference? what got you through? im looking for pretty much anything. whether its a post, an article, a thread on here, another resource or website. books, personal faith. vitamins, supplements, meds. yoga, meditation, journaling, prayer. exercise. i dont really care what. if its a friend of yours that no one else will ever meet, list it. if it took a new relationship, list it. increased socializing, whatever.

also, i kind of intend to include a "what to expect", as far as all of the common thoughts, worries, and feelings associated with coming out of these. they have a tremendous commonality, and for me, it helped loads knowing everything i was feeling, thinking and worrying about was actually par for the course.

thanks in advance

[once removed]

folks,

im kind of interested in compiling a grand list of my own, for how to survive a breakup with a borderline. i know what helped me, large and small. so im looking for some feedback. what was a godsend to you? what made a huge difference? what got you through? im looking for pretty much anything. whether its a post, an article, a thread on here, another resource or website. books, personal faith. vitamins, supplements, meds. yoga, meditation, journaling, prayer. exercise. i dont really care what. if its a friend of yours that no one else will ever meet, list it. if it took a new relationship, list it. increased socializing, whatever.

also, i kind of intend to include a "what to expect", as far as all of the common thoughts, worries, and feelings associated with coming out of these. they have a tremendous commonality, and for me, it helped loads knowing everything i was feeling, thinking and worrying about was actually par for the course.

thanks in advance

[once removed]

for example, off the top of my head, common worries:

is he/she thinking about me?

will he/she contact me again?

will they/what if they get engaged or married to their new partner?

what if/will this new relationship "heal" them? will they be more compatible? will my ex behave differently?

did he/she love me?

maybe im the crazy one and it isn't my ex

what if i'd only done this or that?

should i tell my ex about BPD/try to help?

should i warn my replacement?

[darkstar]

what helps me still is :

-time

-NC

-therapist

-my friends (one of them is a BPD in long term treatment, she explained me a lot, but it triggers her very hard still)

-6000km distance  


thats exactly whats in my mind too:

is he/she thinking about me?

will he/she contact me again?

will they/what if they get engaged or married to their new partner?

what if/will this new relationship "heal" them? will they be more compatible? will my ex behave differently?

did he/she love me?

maybe im the crazy one and it isn't my ex

what if i'd only done this or that?

should i tell my ex about BPD/try to help?

should i warn my replacement?

omg to much I still worry about I noticed   

[2010]

What to expect= eventual detachment and healing

is he/she thinking about me? you won't care

will he/she contact me again? you won't care

will they/what if they get engaged or married to their new partner? it will happen, you will be sad, but you cannot control the progression of the disorder.

what if/will this new relationship "heal" them? will they be more compatible? will my ex behave differently? NO. This is a disorder. No one is above the thought process.

did he/she love me? No. Both parties did not share a healthy, mature, separate love. Overcoming this "idea of reference" will be a large part of the recovery process for the healthier party. 

maybe im the crazy one and it isn't my ex No. Both people shared in the madness due to unresolved issues from childhood.

what if i'd only done this or that? Bargaining behaviors are a phase that need resolution before beginning to reach acceptance. Bargaining doesn't last long as it is generally merged with anger.

should i tell my ex about BPD/try to help? No. This is shared madness due to the fusional quality of the attachment. It is not honorable to try to strengthen the attachment when it is based upon a disorder to begin with.

should i warn my replacement? No. That person is none of your business.

[Sofie]

Here's a list of things that definitely helped me:

Most important: TOTAL NC - no contact at all, no reading emails, messages, etc. and avoiding any situation where I could possibly meet her. I am addicted to her and I cannot control my addiction otherwise.

- Therapy: Beginning to examine my own issues

- Distance from unhealthy people: Distancing myself/going LC with people who did not have a positive  impact on my life, in my case most importantly uNPD mother

- Healthy lifestyle: After break-up with exBPD, my impulse was very much to pursue an unhealthy lifestyle - too much alcohol, not caring about cooking decent meals, etc. Taking an effort to eat healthily and get a lot of exercise has boosted my self-esteem and given me more stamina to withstand stress

- Taking the time to always think "But what do I want/what's good for me?" in any given situation I am involved in. It may sound selfish, but when you as me have lived most of your life with a major "white knight"/fixer complex as I have, you have to learn to ask these questions in order to be able to protect yourself

[ellil]

The biggest help to me was:

2010's posts explaining with "scientific" accuracy exactly what BPD is. This helped me to be objective and relieved me of taking it personally or blaming myself or seeing me as somehow deficient.

Determination to be happy on my own: finding things I liked and focusing on them. This board was the ONLY motivation I have had. I saw people who had been where I was and they were healing/healed. It kept me positive.

M

[Mystic]

ACCEPTANCE was huge for me and I was fortunate because it came relatively early.  

The ending of my r/s was so appalling in its abruptness and ugliness that really from that point I knew that the r/s was *over* and there was no going back.  Trust was destroyed, and seeing the capacity for such frightening behavior, it was shockingly apparent that this was someone terribly unhealthy and dangerously unstable.  

So, I didn't find myself trying to desperately find out how to fix things.  I wasn't mired in saving the r/s.  It was DOA.

I did reach out to him for a brief time, in confusion, trying to understand, trying to find peace and closure between us, but I was nastily rebuffed.  

Once I did some serious research and reading about emotional abuse, personality disorders, etc., I understood more and was able to reach closure on my own.  

I struggled more with the pain of loss, the deep wounds of betrayal, and the pain of the abandonment of our r/s.  To believe you were important to the person you loved, to believe you had a future together, to have been promised so much, to have given so much, and then be abruptly cast off as if you were nothing... .that's quite a devastating transition.  I deeply loved this person and was wholly committed to our relaitonship.    

This is what I had to recover and heal from.  Acceptance was practically immediate... .understanding and recovery... .that took quite some time.  

So I would say acceptance, and learning as much as you can about these disorders ... .that was key to getting through and past it.  

Oh and absolutely, NC.  I honestly didn't want to know what he was up to.  Why?  It was clear to me we were over, therefore there was no reason to pursue any curiosity.  That would have just been painful and contrary to healing.  

[StillInShock]

ACCEPTANCE was huge for me and I was fortunate because it came relatively early.  

The ending of my r/s was so appalling in its abruptness and ugliness that really from that point I knew that the r/s was *over* and there was no going back.  Trust was destroyed, and seeing the capacity for such frightening behavior, it was shockingly apparent that this was someone terribly unhealthy and dangerously unstable.  

So, I didn't find myself trying to desperately find out how to fix things.  I wasn't mired in saving the r/s.  It was DOA.

I did reach out to him for a brief time, in confusion, trying to understand, trying to find peace and closure between us, but I was nastily rebuffed.  

Once I did some serious research and reading about emotional abuse, personality disorders, etc., I understood more and was able to reach closure on my own.  

I struggled more with the pain of loss, the deep wounds of betrayal, and the pain of the abandonment of our r/s.  To believe you were important to the person you loved, to believe you had a future together, to have been promised so much, to have given so much, and then be abruptly cast off as if you were nothing... .that's quite a devastating transition.  I deeply loved this person and was wholly committed to our relaitonship.    

This is what I had to recover and heal from.  Acceptance was practically immediate... .understanding and recovery... .that took quite some time.  

So I would say acceptance, and learning as much as you can about these disorders ... .that was key to getting through and past it.  

Oh and absolutely, NC.  I honestly didn't want to know what he was up to.  Why?  It was clear to me we were over, therefore there was no reason to pursue any curiosity.  That would have just been painful and contrary to healing.  

Your words describe exactly what I went through... .letting go... .knowing that I have no control over our fate and can't change a destiny

Before I realized that the whole missing puzzle pieces were all the time hidden with an illness... .I tried to reconcile but my efforts were dismissed with more abuse and cruelty that I couldn't understand and left me with more shock, denial and disbelief to what went wrong

I didn't go NC coz I was still on my quest to get answers... as much as I got hurt with every contact... .as much as I was able to get a confirmation to my theory that he has BPD... .leaving me suddenly left me with nothing but confusion... .by maintaining a contact... .it gave me the answers that I was seeking for... .his behavior was a typical text book description about BPD... .his confession that he cheated... .his attempt to involve me in a triangulation (read definition) drama to thrive on it by keeping me as a mistress... .and the final blow out was just last week... .telling me how much he missed us and that he was never with any woman since our separation... .(that's after he sabotaged his love affair to my replacement)... .I couldn't take any more deception or lies and I exposed everything and shoved it back into his face

I got my validation... .I have no doubt now that he is seriously and dangerously disordered... .I was able to fight my weakness to get back to him when he tried last week... .I was relieved to know I'm not the one to blame as he initially convinced me and the guilt was killing me... .I was able to let go

[Willy]

What got me through:

-Knowing about BPD is crucial. Sometimes I wonder how many people are scratching their head every day thinking wth?  ?

-Reading about BPD

-Accepting and realizing the ex is very ill.

-Acceptating my own role

-Accepting it is over!

-Validation from others

-Talking about the r/s with others a lot. Not necessarily about BPD, but the r/s in general.

-Change of scenery. I made some short term breaks.

-Listening to music (a lot)

-Hitting rock bottom emotionally. My rock bottom was after the b/u I had a drunken ONS with a woman who had the same name as my ex. I found that quite disturbing from my side, and ordered myself to get a grip myself.

-Regularity. After the chaos I needed predictability and tranguility.

-Re-integrating in the sane world. Spending much more time with friends and family.

-Identifying the fleas and trying to get ride of them.

-Going for long walks

-Posting during weak moments on bpdfamily.

-Not being angry with my ex.

-Not worrying and thinking what she is up to. I just recently got there.

-Ruminating about the r/s does help me in a way though. I recall a lot of conversations and events that I can place in the correct context now, with what I am reading about BPD.

-Being firm with my boundaries (this raises my self-esteem).

[cyndiloowho]

I struggled more with the pain of loss, the deep wounds of betrayal, and the pain of the abandonment of our r/s.  To believe you were important to the person you loved, to believe you had a future together, to have been promised so much, to have given so much, and then be abruptly cast off as if you were nothing... .that's quite a devastating transition.  I deeply loved this person and was wholly committed to our relationship.    

This describes my experience, too. I was so deeply committed to the r/s, but now I can see that it was more like *enmeshed* in the r/s. Still, when I was so suddenly and completely rejected, I was in shock for about a year. I did all the crying, begging, and hoping, wishing, out of confusion and denial. It was the beginning of my grief process.

How I survived...

*Taking the focus off of him, and turning to my own issues.

*Understanding BPD, and how the illness manifests in my H

*Understanding my own trauma from my H's behavior and from childhood issues.

*Actively pursuing my own recovery.

*Defining and clarifying my Values.

*Setting boundaries to protect my values.

*Inner child work... .getting to know *Who I Am* and learning to Love Myself!

*Meditation... .Meditation... .Meditation

*Observing my world in nature, understanding that I am but a tiny speck in the larger happenings of the cosmos.

*Understanding that I deserve happiness, and that this is my responsibility, not his.

*Growing UP!  

*Letting Go!  

[newlife3]

 Great thread! Thanks for starting it Lucky.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE that the ex h despite being high functioning ie: no raging outwardly, educated health care professional, no alcohol & drug addictions, self-mutiliating/cutting, or sucidal ideation has a severe, chronic mental illness

Relationships feel unsafe to him, and he is unable to have a healthy intimate relationship. His disorder has nothing to do with me...

NO CONTACT and focusing on my own recovery and happiness.

THOUGHT STOPPING ie: stopped ruminating on endless questions about his disorder and limited how much time I spent on here with talking about him.

I put all my energy into real life with friends, exercise, meditation, volunteer work,hopeful thoughts... Life is great since my divorce...

[Lempicka]

I joined a Buddhist organization that had a lot of frequent meetings and people available to practice with at practically any time.

I didn't stay with the group, but it did get me out of that situation, especially since I had become isolated in my relationship.

[Sparkley]

When I was a teenager and had the relationship with my exBPDgf, I never talked about it to anyone.  I lived in a very rural area, conservative and Christian.  I was having a sexual relationship with another girl... .totally taboo and wrong in late 80's and my parents who strongly suspected were critical and made me feel ashamed.  I had no support with the abuse or anyone to talk to and I desperately wanted my relationship to work out... .the naive, adolescent, codependent teenager I was... .it was a bad situation.  I bottled it for nearly 20 years.  Then exBPDgf came around again 4 years ago when something tragic happened in my life and I wanted this ideal, everything perfect life with peace and love and harmony.  So I talked to the exBPDgf again and within months it was like we warped back to the 80's and I never left.  Crazy, madness ensued.  What got me through... .opening up to my husband about it, my best friend, my parents, and therapists.  Finding this site.  Reading and rereading all of the posts.  Working on forgiving my own shortcomings and lack of understanding, my displaced anger, continuing to focus on healthy things and blessings in my life.  I have also learned I have a strong addiction to exBPDgf so I HAVE to remain NC and avoid when I can.  Still working on how to deal with run-ins(my physical reactions of adrenaline and fear and codependency).  I also think faith and my belief in a Higher Power helps tremendously and being thankful everyday for positives. I've come a long way but I still have a long way to go.  I see others on here with great understanding and that helps a ton.

[chelle]

Reclaiming my SOUL

Doing things for me for a change  (I was quite the enabler!) .

Replaying all of the bad or should I say REAL things in the relationship,  it's easy to get caught up in the false image,  I was in love with a mirage.  Making a list helps.


Reconnecting to my dreams,  uBPD was always putting them down.   Just knowing that I'M driving and not a passenger in my own life has done wonders for me.   I can do anything and be anything I want.   It's a clean slate - -  a "do over" and I'm not gonna waste it.   I sacrificed too much in my BPD relationship and I don't ever want to go back to that dark place again.  It just doesn't suit me anymore.  I'd rather be alone than  be dumped on 24/7. 

Socializing more has helped immensely (as did finding this place).   I never realized the extent of uBPDh's power over me.   How he isolated me and I let it happen. I always got attitude when I wanted to meet a friend, take an art class, sign up for dancing or just try something new.  Life is too damn short and I don't want to regret not doing anything.

So I've been busy, meeting friends and making new ones, taking art and dance classes (never danced before and always wanted to learn).  And I'm going to dine at a fancyish restaurant (I mean one without a counter) solo.  I just want to prove that I can.  Just plain calling the shots in my own life feels INCREDIBLE it's absolutley EMPOWERING.


Here is link to a great video- how to be alone - it's rather liberating and perfect from me as I am seeing a T and avoiding romantic relationships until I am a whole person again.  (my T said broken attracts broken)


www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

[Finished]

for example, off the top of my head, common worries:

is he/she thinking about me? don't worry about this one. i can promise you he/she is thinking about you but probably not in the way you would like.

will he/she contact me again? i asked myself this over and over and over. i both feared it and wanted it. deep down i thought i would never hear from him again. when i did, it caused me nothing but heartache. yes, you will hear from them again. be prepared for that. don't question if it will happen. prepare for when it does.

will they/what if they get engaged or married to their new partner? possibly, they are human so it's a possibility. put it in that perspective. it's just something people do.

what if/will this new relationship "heal" them? if they have BPD, no

will they be more compatible? possibily and guess what? you will meet someone you will be more compatible with also. perspective.

will my ex behave differently? yes and no. they will behave differently but their disorder will remain so the outcome will be the same.

did he/she love me? yes, but it wasn't a compitable or healthy love. but i do believe they loved us.

maybe im the crazy one and it isn't my ex therapy

what if i'd only done this or that? human nature. perspective. anytime things go wrong it's natural to examine the situation and see what we could have done differently.

should i tell my ex about BPD/try to help? no it will be turned against you and used as ammunition so that your ex can push more and more of the blame on you and accept less and less responsibility.

should i warn my replacement? no it will be turned against you and used as ammunition so that your ex can push more and more of the blame on you and accept less and less responsibility.

So my "Tool Kit"

Perspective = Depersonalizing

Therapy

Journaling Journaling Journaling

Exercise

Friends and Family

Learning to be alone

Setting new goals - mapping them out

Learning new things that do not have anything to do with my ex

Dating and sex (yes, I know some will not agree with me but it did much to help me)

Prayer Prayer Prayer

Moving to a new home

Redecorating

Forgiving

Creating new dreams

Laughing

Being creative

Finding ways to let out the anger

Expressing the hurt

Feeling again - Giving myself permission to feel everything

Laughing - It's been four months and I'm just beginning to have true feelings of happiness again

NC to the best of my ability

Forgiving myself - SO DIFFICULT TO DO

Marking on a calendar every week that goes by as a milestone that I'm successful in staying away

Taking the good things from the relationship and learn from the bad

I really liked the person I was prior to my ex entering my life - Remembering that person and bringing him back into my life

Self Awareness - One of the hardest to do but most effective tools has been realizing that I just don't care on a conscious level - On an emotional level I'm still attached. Love against intellect. The intellect has to rule. My therapist says that we always act from our emotions first so I am aware of both what I'm feeling and thinking at all times. It has kept me from going back because I know I don't consciously want that again. 

[once removed]

thank you everybody, keep em coming! i'll add my own later today

[findingmyselfagain]

This is a good thread for me today... .I went on a date with a very nice girl, lots of good qualities, yesterday. That seems to trigger a fear of intimacy in me from being dropped on my head by the borderline.

What helped me:

--Discovering borderline and putting the pieces together

--Realizing that it had almost ZERO to do with me... .I was merely an object who represented "reward" to her

--Finding out just how similar everyone's story is... .a dreamy romance followed by large quantities of WTH?

--Looking at my childhood

--Understanding how my parents' divorce and the death of my grandparents affected me

--Understanding what attracted me to my borderline (she was a lot like my mother who perpetually needed rescuing; very needy, etc.)

--Realizing that I have a fear of "true" intimacy with an equal... .probably due more to childhood programming than I realize

--Realizing that I have a terribly neglected "inner child" who terribly needed a playmate and thought he found it with the child-like fantasies of my ex

--Treating myself to good things

--Dating healthy females and confronting my fears, learning to be emotioinally present (Still quite the battle)

--Finding that the good feelings my ex conjured up where there all along, and are here now. I can live life passionately on my own... .!

What's been hard for me:

--Getting away from the desire to rescue my ex... .though things are over... .I still find myself wanting to hear from her and wanting to know if she's ok

--Getting over getting dropped so suddenly after a r/s that seemed good for the most part

--Being stuck in my condo... .remembering how I/we remodeled, bought new appliances, etc., for my family-to-be

--Accepting that her positive affirmations about the future and us were only true in the moment and were "hooks" so I wouldn't leave her

--Accepting my ex was crazy, and I chose her anyway... .?

--Accepting that we never did and never could communicate as adults... .though she could seem so normal sometimes... .?

--Is she acting normal with the new guy? I certainly don't think so. She's a very broken woman... .Tragic, but out of my hands. Some people you just can't deal with. Hard to accept that.

[30plusyears]

1st !  No Contact

2nd        Let attorney handle everything

3rd         Learn everything I can about BPD and what it was/is about me that ignored, blocked-out, endured, and enabled for so long

4th         No Contact

5th         No contact

6th        Eventually, move far, far away... because she got even more dangerous once I divorced her.

Now, she messes with the kids the same as she messed with me. They are the ones confused, hurt, and disconcerted now. It's not fair to them, but that's the way it is. Now, they ask me things about all this at their pace.