How do you tell a therapist you dont want to see them anymore?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago, because Im planning on starting a family soon, and was worried that I might become like my mother when Im tired and frustrated with a screaming child - or have them inherit the mental illness that is so prominant in my family. Im not dperessed, I dont have a PD or any mental illness myself, so there was nothing I particularly wanted to "fix". I just thought it would be a good idea to talk to someone about my fears in becoming a mother.

Well, its been 6 months, and I dont think Ive gotten anything out of it. He dismisses any thought that mental illness can have a genetic component, so we dont talk about that. He asks a lot of questions about the years I was in a religious group (a cult really) and gets super interested in that, despite the fact that Im not. I dont feel there is anything there I need to handle, I spent years dealing with that part of my life and it doesnt bother me, and Im not interested in spending all my time (and money) talking about it. I prefer to deal with my childhood with my BPD mum - which we do, but its just me talking. I dont feel like Im actually dealing with anything or getting anywhere. I just talk about the same stuff over and over. I feel like Im just telling someone stories about when I was a kid. I dont cry, I dont get into a lot of detail, I feel like Im just skimming the surface. Theres never time to do more than that.

He keeps asking why I think I get recurring dreams. Im sick of saying I dont know. He asks me about my dreams every goddamn time Im there, and I DONT KNOW WHY I GET THEM! Im sick of saying I dont know. Constantly asking me isnt going to make me suddenly come up with an answer. There is no logical answer that I know of. I have never known why. I get so frustrated I want to scream. Once I cried because Id just had an arguement with my partner (the only arguement we had in the year), he tried to convince me to leave him. Theres nothing wrong with my relationship and that really upset me, so now I dont talk about him. The therapist assumed that if I had a bad childhood, I must be with an abusive partner. Certainly not the case!

The last couple of months Ive begun building a house, and my partner and I joke about how much bad luck we have with this - everything seems to go wrong and I spend all my time chasing people and bankers up and getting mad that they arent doing their job properly. I know I get frustrated easier than a lot of other people (I have high standards of what I expect from customer service), but I know this and deal with it. The therapist suggested I shouldnt be building at all if it stresses me. If everyone avoided what stressed them we would never get anything done! I keep telling him that I want to work on being less stressed and able to deal with these situations better. Essentially his answer to that is that I am seeing the world through "sh#t coloured glasses" and I must be doing something to MAKE people give me poor service, or Im exaggerating what they are doing wrong. He thinks it is funny. Its not to me.

Im sending myself mad trying to see where Im going wrong (for example they forgot to install some pipes in the house slab/the bank didnt pay the invoice in time for the next stage of construction to start on time/the bank lost the paperwork we gave them) - my partner is getting concerned with how much Im now falling apart when these things happen trying to find how I caused it, or how it must be not as bad as I think it is.

I get teary when I have a therapist appointment because I dont want to go through the same stuff again, and I go home and cry afterwards with frustration. I dont want to do this anymore.

So, how do I tell the therapist I dont want to see him anymore? I always feel extremely guilty and bad that Im doing the wrong thing, or that he will get upset/angry/guilt me into continuing etc. I find quitting anything very hard as I always feel like Im disappointing someone!

[crazy1503]

I started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago, because Im planning on starting a family soon, and was worried that I might become like my mother when Im tired and frustrated with a screaming child - or have them inherit the mental illness that is so prominant in my family. Im not dperessed, I dont have a PD or any mental illness myself, so there was nothing I particularly wanted to "fix". I just thought it would be a good idea to talk to someone about my fears in becoming a mother.

Well, its been 6 months, and I dont think Ive gotten anything out of it. He dismisses any thought that mental illness can have a genetic component, so we dont talk about that. He asks a lot of questions about the years I was in a religious group (a cult really) and gets super interested in that, despite the fact that Im not. I dont feel there is anything there I need to handle, I spent years dealing with that part of my life and it doesnt bother me, and Im not interested in spending all my time (and money) talking about it. I prefer to deal with my childhood with my BPD mum - which we do, but its just me talking. I dont feel like Im actually dealing with anything or getting anywhere. I just talk about the same stuff over and over. I feel like Im just telling someone stories about when I was a kid. I dont cry, I dont get into a lot of detail, I feel like Im just skimming the surface. Theres never time to do more than that.

He keeps asking why I think I get recurring dreams. Im sick of saying I dont know. He asks me about my dreams every goddamn time Im there, and I DONT KNOW WHY I GET THEM! Im sick of saying I dont know. Constantly asking me isnt going to make me suddenly come up with an answer. There is no logical answer that I know of. I have never known why. I get so frustrated I want to scream. Once I cried because Id just had an arguement with my partner (the only arguement we had in the year), he tried to convince me to leave him. Theres nothing wrong with my relationship and that really upset me, so now I dont talk about him. The therapist assumed that if I had a bad childhood, I must be with an abusive partner. Certainly not the case!

The last couple of months Ive begun building a house, and my partner and I joke about how much bad luck we have with this - everything seems to go wrong and I spend all my time chasing people and bankers up and getting mad that they arent doing their job properly. I know I get frustrated easier than a lot of other people (I have high standards of what I expect from customer service), but I know this and deal with it. The therapist suggested I shouldnt be building at all if it stresses me. If everyone avoided what stressed them we would never get anything done! I keep telling him that I want to work on being less stressed and able to deal with these situations better. Essentially his answer to that is that I am seeing the world through "sh#t coloured glasses" and I must be doing something to MAKE people give me poor service, or Im exaggerating what they are doing wrong. He thinks it is funny. Its not to me.

Im sending myself mad trying to see where Im going wrong (for example they forgot to install some pipes in the house slab/the bank didnt pay the invoice in time for the next stage of construction to start on time/the bank lost the paperwork we gave them) - my partner is getting concerned with how much Im now falling apart when these things happen trying to find how I caused it, or how it must be not as bad as I think it is.

I get teary when I have a therapist appointment because I dont want to go through the same stuff again, and I go home and cry afterwards with frustration. I dont want to do this anymore.

So, how do I tell the therapist I dont want to see him anymore? I always feel extremely guilty and bad that Im doing the wrong thing, or that he will get upset/angry/guilt me into continuing etc. I find quitting anything very hard as I always feel like Im disappointing someone!

[poodlemom]

You shouldn't have to go to. Therapist bc you feel too guilty to tell the therapist it isn't helping. If it's hard for you to do in person, then do it by phone or by letter. It doesn't have to be confrontational or accusatory, just state that you feel you've gotten everything out of it you can and thank him/her for all the help. He could just be stringing you along to keep the money coming. Who knows? But this is YOUR life and YOUR decision. Don't keep doing something you hate and dread. Follow your gut. Some T's aren't very good. Just like every profession, there are good and mediocre.

[Cassy]

I would simply stop making appointments. It wouldn't even occur to me to tell a therapist, dentist, Dr., or anyone else I wasn't going back. If you need records transferred the new professional can arrange for that.

[blueriot]

I would simply stop making appointments. It wouldn't even occur to me to tell a therapist, dentist, Dr., or anyone else I wasn't going back. If you need records transferred the new professional can arrange for that.

This is a smart way to go about it. Especially if the therapist has office staff that manages appointments, you may never even have to talk to them about cancelling any recurring appointments!

The most productive appointment I had with one therapist was when I broke up with her and laid out that my needs were not being met. I didn't break down all of the behaviors I thought were unprofessional at best, creepy-weird at worst, but stood up for my needs and right to move on, asking her for a referral to any clinician she knew in the area that was a trauma specialist.

After my long-term therapist dropped out of practice it took me three therapists not working before I came across my current therapist who is a great fit for my needs. Professional office, schedule works well with mine, really good at reeling me in if I go off-topic or get avoidant, and very active in keeping up with current research and educational opportunities.

One bad therapist won't mean that no one can help, or that this is how therapy is. You'll find a good match someday. It is just a more stressful version of dating. 

[Cordelia]

I agree with that having a conversation with the therapist where you articulate what you don't like about how therapy is going might be very helpful.  I know in my family, I never learned that it was safe, or helpful, to go to an authority figure with problems you're having and see it as a partnership where you're both trying to solve the problem.  It was always an adversarial relationship, and my mom always had one foot out the door, ready to call it quits if things didn't go the way she wanted, while she was never able to articulate what it was she did want.  So now I tend to have a hard time bringing up concerns or issues I have, finding it much easier to just leave a situation than to try to articulate what it is I want and try to negotiate a solution.  If your background is like mine, just having the opportunity to say "hey, I don't like how things are going, let's try to make some changes," might be very healthy!  Then again, if you don't feel ready for that, it's certainly okay to just switch doctors.  It's so hard to find a good match with a T!  Whatever choice you make, it isn't wrong.  It's just where you are right now. 

[Pilpel]

I've only gone to therapists a few times.  And none of them were very helpful.  One in particular I thought was very unprofessional and showed signs of having too many problems herself --she was obese, her office was in her house, which was full of cats and smelled strong from cats, she over-shared about her childhood and she was imposing about her own religious beliefs.  She believed in reincarnation, and when I told her that I didn't, she quoted something and basically said, "Just because you don't belive it doesn't make it so."  Later a friend of mine gave me a list of things good therapists should not do, and she did half of them.

I also was very shy about saying something to her face about wanting to quit.  But I didn't have a lot of money at the time, so the cost was a huge motivator.  I ended up calling and leaving a message.  Only -being as unprofessional as she was- she didn't check her messages and ended up calling me to tell me I missed an appt.  I ended up having to confront her on the phone, which was uncomfortable.  But when she wouldn't take "I'm not interested" for an answer, I have to admit it felt really good to tell her that I thought her therapy sessions were more theraputic for her than they were for me.   

Good luck with firing your therapist.  Sounds like your T is just one of a lot of service people letting you down right now. 

[GameGirl]

I agree that having a conversation with the therapist where you articulate what you don't like about how therapy is going might be very helpful.  I know in my family, I never learned that it was safe, or helpful, to go to an authority figure with problems you're having and see it as a partnership where you're both trying to solve the problem.  It was always an adversarial relationship, and my mom always had one foot out the door, ready to call it quits if things didn't go the way she wanted, while she was never able to articulate what it was she did want.  So now I tend to have a hard time bringing up concerns or issues I have, finding it much easier to just leave a situation than to try to articulate what it is I want and try to negotiate a solution.  If your background is like mine, just having the opportunity to say "hey, I don't like how things are going, let's try to make some changes," might be very healthy!  Then again, if you don't feel ready for that, it's certainly okay to just switch doctors.  It's so hard to find a good match with a T!  Whatever choice you make, it isn't wrong.  It's just where you are right now. 

I agree with this.  Just going away with no explanation could be a bad experience for you because a) there might be a reason you are feeling this resistance that you would be missing out on exploring and b) you would miss the chance to see that you can terminate a relationship in a friendly, non dramatic way, which I think is an important lesson for people who grew up the way we did.

[sandpiper]

I've seen a couple of great therapists over the last 25 years and I've also seen a couple that probably aren't suited to being therapists at all - and my way of dealing with those who lacked insight was simply to cancel the next appointment and simply move on. It sounds like the therapist isn't meeting your needs and isn't staying focused on those needs.

I liked what a previous poster said about finding a therapist being like dating - it's about finding a good match.

If you don't feel like you have a lot of issues at the moment then I'd leave it till you do.

It sounds like you might get more benefit out of doing some reading on parenthood & relationship skills so that you feel more secure about the idea of becoming a mother.

When I was younger I worked in early childhood education - and the reason I studied that was because I had absolutely no faith that I'd learned any useful parenting/relationship skills within my FOO. I picked up a lot of useful skills from my study and from my colleagues, and from where I stood, I think most parents would benefit from doing a parenting class & reading some books on how to communicate with children/their spouse.

It's probably a bit dated now, but I'd suggest the text book I went with years ago by a woman called Penelope Leach. I think it was called 'baby and child', but she's probably got a few good ones out. They were great books for new mothers.

There's another one that someone here put me onto called 'Mothering without a map' - sorry, I can't find it on my shelf at the mo and I can't remember the author. Maybe google it and see if it's for you.

There are some great books about parenting that I'd suggest:

* Raise your kids without raising your voice - by Sarah Chana Radcliffe

* How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk -by Faber and Mazlish

A lot of people make the mistake of looking for skills when their children are reaching the teen years and by then a lot of behaviours are entrenched and it's very hard to create change. FWIW I think it's worth starting off your life with your family with a good skill set on how to manage challenging behaviours and how to set boundaries with kids, validate their feelings, reinforce positive behaviour and know how not to reinforce and reward negative behaviour.

As for your other issue - the building - Oy. We have renovated a few houses and my spouse works in construction - what you are experiencing is pretty much part of the deal and it's always frustrating. I remember reading some chick-lit novel that was a best seller and it was based on the author's experiences of remodelling their house in the UK. It turned her life into a nightmare. She got revenge by duplicating all the nightmare tradesmen on paper and she made out like a bandit because there were so many women who could relate. I think it was a Marianne Keyes book but I wouldn't swear to it.

Go easy on yourself, I'm the same with tradesmen - if you give them an inch they'll take a mile and you need to be an expert negotiator to deal with them because so many of them are masters of the art of passive aggression. There are some occasions where I leave things to my DH because he has a much longer fuse than me. On other occasions it's been really useful that I have a reputation for not taking any **** and for being such a straight talker.

I remember when the delivery truck turned up with the tiles for our bathroom & the delivery guy said 'I'm not authorized to walk up more than 6 stairs.'

The city I live in is notorious for it's steep hills and valleys, so I just looked at this guy and said 'Well you chose the wrong profession, didn't you. have you considered finding a desk job?'

He wasn't happy, but he put the tiles where I wanted them to go.

Seriously, these guys will try anything. Don't feel bad about being frustrated with them - its part of the human experience.

 

[Puttingittogether]

If you make an appointment not to see them anymore, do you have to pay them?  I'd hate to have to pay to tell them I didnt want to see them anymore.  I wonder if the therapist would be like "Sheesh, she could have told me over the phone.".

[Cassy]

I still don't "get" it. Why would you need a confrontation to break up with a therapist? What would you gain by doing this? I've really never heard of such a thing.

[travelfar28]

Hi Crazy 1503.  This is a great topic.  I happen to be a granddaughter of someone with BPD and a therapy patient myself.  First of all, to be honest, not everyone who works as a therapist has business being a therapist.  Blunt and sad but true.  I've worked with some as a patient and walked away asking myself "Why the hell is this person in this job" and "Why the hell would I want to see this person again."

I second what another poster said, not every therapist is for every patient.  :)ream analysis is Freudian and in my career I haven't met ANYONE looking in depth at dreams.  I like to work on present stuff for myself.  Like you, I've had stuff in the past I've made peace with so if it doesn't effect me now there's no reason to dig it up over and over and over.    

As patients we are consumers.  We pay the money and it's our lives so we can demand the care that we need.  As a provider it's my job to help my clients with the journey to meeting their needs in a healthy way.  I can't ethically give every client what they want (like saying it's okay to suicide or telling their partner to kiss-off by slashing their tires) but it's my job to help them attain healthy goals. it sounds as though your therapist has his own agenda.  That's not the point.  It's your agenda, NOT his.

It sounds like this guy isn't meeting your needs and you deserve to find someone who can.  

[sandpiper]

I can see the value in having that kind of conversation, but I think you'd need to consider the therapist's ability to hear what's being said.

From what you've said about your T, I'm seeing a lot of    red flags that he's not actually good at listening and he's intent on following his own agenda.

* Suggesting you should leave your husband when you've had one argument during a time of stress, and otherwise you have a strong relationship

* Wanting to talk about things that you feel you've resolved (following his own agenda, not yours)

* Not respecting your boundaries by continually pushing that issue (i.e. the dreams)

* He's not offering insight or asking questions when you talk about your mother - and you've told him that's what you want to deal with

* he seems amused by your stress over the construction. What kind of therapist gets amused by their patient's distress?

* He's trying to convince you that it's your fault that the tradesmen & the bank are treating you badly and you should blame yourself for that. What the ****?

* And then there's the way that you are feeling when you've seen him, which says it all, I think - confused, distressed, falling apart, and your sense that contact with him is at best superficial 'skimming over the surface'.

* he says mental illness doesn't have a genetic component. Que? Where'd he get his qualification, out of the cornflakes box?

Having had some time to think, and gone over your post again - I think this guy has some problems.

I'm glad you've decided to stop seeing him.

I guess it's a matter of what you want to get out of the 'break up'.

since he's already fairly lacking in insight, sensitivity and empathy, I doubt that any conversation with him explaining where he's going wrong is going to do much except put him on the defensive, which could be damaging for you.

A competent and well-trained therapist would be able to have that conversation but possibly not this guy.

I guess it comes down to, what do you want to achieve here?

Do you want the closure of telling him why you aren't happy with his service or do you just want to put it behind you, chalk it up as a bad experience, and move on?

If there's already a lot of drain on your energy - do you want to expend that energy having this conversation?

I guess your options are:

* Cancel your next appointment without explanation & move on

* Tell him you've decided you don't want to continue seeing him at this point in time (which leaves the door open to go back later, if you want to)

* Tell him that therapy isn't meeting your goals and that if he'd like your feedback, he can arrange a time to talk to you about that.

* Write to him or email him & outline why you are leaving. You don't have to send that letter, but it might put it clear in your own mind what you aren't happy about and you'll get some insight into how to deal with people like this in future. I'd be careful about what I'd put in print with this guy, though, as he sounds a bit off balance.

I'm really sorry you've had this experience with your T.

The more of these stories that I hear, the more I count myself as very lucky or very blessed that when I was so young I found such a good T. the dodgy ones came later down the track, and thankfully I'd learned enough about boundaries and emotional abuse by then to know a dodgy T when I found one.

Good luck with the building project.   

[GameGirl]

I still don't "get" it. Why would you need a confrontation to break up with a therapist? What would you gain by doing this? I've really never heard of such a thing.

It is not confrontation, it is termination.  It is really important for several reasons.  One is for healthy closure, which can be a new experience for children of BPDs.  The client gets to summarize what has been accomplished in the therapy, and can see that the therapist is not mad at them for leaving.   The second can be that the reasons for terminating might have to do with unresolved issues on that part of the client or transference issues, and it is important for the client to be aware of these issues even if they decide not to continue with the therapist.

Let me qualify this by saying - unless the therapist has done some really weird stuff that makes you uncomfortable or tells you things like "Leave your husband" or other stuff that is just flat out not cool.  I had a person while my regular T was ill who was just a flat out btch.  She was just nasty and not warm.  I only saw her 5 or 6 times and just left a message that said I was going back to my own therapist, thanks  for everything.  There was no need for more.

But as for my regular T - we have been together for 7 years.  I could never leave without terminating.  That would not be good for me at al.

[PolkaDot]

The client gets to summarize what has been accomplished in the therapy, and can see that the therapist is not mad at them for leaving.  

Unless they are mad at them for leaving, in which case you are plunged right back into the old familiar parentified role.

Someone who relentlessly pursues their own agenda, consistently demonstrates low empathy, and finds humor in a client's woes and stresses seems quite likely to be the sort of "professional" who would lead with their own feelings and attempt to make their client responsible for those emotions.

If I'm at the point of dumping a T, it's obviously because I don't sense potential for any sort of therapeutic outcome, including a termination conversation. If he can't be of service while employed, how much sense does it make to assume he will be helpful when told that his services are no longer needed?

I can totally understand why someone would find value in a closure session with a respectful therapist who had been helpful in the past, but was no longer the right fit.

[GameGirl]

The client gets to summarize what has been accomplished in the therapy, and can see that the therapist is not mad at them for leaving.  

Unless they are mad at them for leaving, in which case you are plunged right back into the old familiar parentified role.

Someone who relentlessly pursues their own agenda, consistently demonstrates low empathy, and finds humor in a client's woes and stresses seems quite likely to be the sort of "professional" who would lead with their own feelings and attempt to make their client responsible for those emotions.

If I'm at the point of dumping a T, it's obviously because I don't sense potential for any sort of therapeutic outcome, including a termination conversation. If he can't be of service while employed, how much sense does it make to assume he will be helpful when told that his services are no longer needed?

I can totally understand why someone would find value in a closure session with a respectful therapist who had been helpful in the past, but was no longer the right fit.

But the thing is, therapists don't see the relationship the way the client does.  It is not about the therapist, it is about the client.  The therapists feelings don't really get involved that way.  They don't get mad if clients fire them.  Usually, if it is not working out, they are relieved.  If you have someone like you described, that is someone who should not be practicing.   I agree 100%


But, I know that I have had some very negative feelings of hatred, rage and betrayal about my therapist and wanted to fire her only to realize that it was a lot of  projection on my part.  She didn't do anything.  I was re enacting my childhood trauma with her.  It was transference.  I am glad that I talked it over with her, because I really moved forward in my therapy as a result.

[crazy1503]

Im back! Its been a while

I think I forgot to mention originally that my concern was that at the end of each session he would book the next one - and to cancel id have to talk to him directly as he had no receptionist, hence id have to "explain myself" to him. In the end he couldnt fit an appt in for me so I said id calland book one in a few weeks, and just never did.

My partner and I finished our house - truely one of the most stressful years of my life! Then just as things were getting back to normal we found that we were pregnant!  Being pregnant was not fun for me, andthe first 3 months of my daughters life were awful. She had severe colic and reflux and screamed 24/7.

The screaming was the biggest trigger ive ever had to deal with and I developed post natal depression. Luckily my partner and his family have been lovely and ive found a wonderful therapist who has made a massive difference.

My daughter turned the corner at 3 months and suddenly became a model baby! Now at 10 months she is the light of my life and I feel lucky to be able to see her develop into a successful, happy, confident lady

thanks for your comments and support when i was commenting on this board years ago, it helped xxx