You want for yourself what you give to other people. You’ve chosen a person who cannot reciprocate. This has kept you in a vicious cycle of trying harder and harder until you are exhausted and sick. That is the definition of dysfunction; a relationship of chaos and hell. Meanwhile, you hold out malignant hope that reciprocity will occur, creating a safe environment for you- but it’s never everlasting.
how is ignoring and maintaining NC the kindest thing for them?
Borderline personality disorder is a lifelong pattern of thinking based upon persecution. It doesn’t matter if you are Mother Teresa or the most charitable person on the face of the Earth. Needless drama is what the relationship is all about.
Most people are not aware that the disorder is “past tense” now formulated to repeat in the “present tense.” You are also reliving a past conflict that also brings up your own insecurities. Once you become aware, the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your partner is to step away from each other and discontinue the drama. Otherwise, Borderline and its distorted perceptions rely on you to become involved to dramatize the emotions. This moves the distorted thinking back and forth like a swinging pendulum with *come. Here. Now. Go. away* behaviors. Once you sense that, it's best to step out of the way.
If you take yourself out of the push/pull equation, there is no swinging pendulum. Both people will then enter an abandonment depression- which is a required step to self sufficiency.
Is it because we are no longer enabling them? Or triggers? I'm confused about this.
In fancy terms, Borderline personality is the failure to enter the separation/individuation phase and then come out of abandonment depression without a rapprochement crisis. "Rapprochement crisis" is a term that Mahler used to signify a child's distress at being weaned from Mother. Being weaned successfully means suffering an abandonment depression. Some people have never been weaned, they remain in paranoid/schizoid positions rather than go through abandonment depression. They look for recreations of primary attachments and then re-work the childhood trauma repetitiously due to unsuccessful weaning. This requires blaming others for the failure. Borderlines do not understand the concept of free will and a stand alone self.
Borderlines fail at the abandonment depression because it's just too scary, difficult and life threatening. This disorder is a pattern of failing the abandonment depression due to dissociative distress. "Who am I without you?" The pendulum swings back and forth due to splitting the part time self into good and bad. Borderline thought also creates a horrible powder keg of masochistic angst and self punishment.
Significant distress attracts significant rescuers that the Borderline evaluates for attachment as a safety net. Most partners are very keen on describing themselves as caretakers and they have a very keen idea of who the Borderline is- themselves! The projective identification and mirroring sends both parties into the pink cloud- which is really a split by the Borderline into all good thinking in the beginning (until it becomes all bad.) When it becomes all bad, the caretakers tries harder and harder to get it (their mirrored self) under control.
Choosing people who are this easy to attach to and then feeling engulfed by them is the crux of the disorder.
“Killing with kindness” is also a learned trait for a caretaker persona. Caretakers need to ask themselves why they think they can show kindness to a disorder and then expect the disorder to die out based upon kindness. No one is that powerful. Alas, it's also part of the "danse macabre" that allows BPD to continue.
If you feel guilt about ending a care-taking relationship, it may be that you have learned to treat abusive people with kindness in order to survive a precarious childhood. It has served you well up until this point. Now you are struggling with letting go and feeling guilty about it.
You’re going to need to feel your emotions in order to get through this. That means letting go of the control you feel you have by being “kind.”
You’ll need to provide some kindness to yourself. It's OK to feel. It's also OK to let go.
The best thing that can come out of this is for a Borderline to be alone. They need to be aware of themselves as separate entities without anyone else to blame.
You are going to have a fulfilling life in spite of being worried about being “unkind” to an abusive person. The authentic person inside of you deserves appreciation for your efforts. You did the best you could. Even if you think otherwise, you will eventually come to understand the lessons here. They are big ones- let them happen. You re not bigger than a disorder. The disorder always wins. Let go of the thinking that you could have changed it.
Each day, take a moment to turn away from caring for others and care for yourself. Your Borderline partner needs to also do this. Each of you need to be alone.
I still would like to know I am being kind to someone I love very much in spite of the chaos and hell he put me through!
You did what you could. This is a life changing experience. Unfortunately, the Borderline partner will probably move on to another person (attachment) while you are worrying about being unkind. This is part and parcel of the disorder. It will also be a deeply emotional time for you and you must remain without contact in order to not get blamed. Any contact will hurt you. Continuing a friendship will only result in the blame game and get you pulled in again, perhaps even to play a part in triangulation
(read definition) with a new partner.
He is recycling me and I need a better reason for not allowing him back in.
The best message you can send is no contact. This means that you will no longer tolerate the abuse. If you’ve been used to chaos and hell as the bulk of the relationship, your body/mind will need some time to process the post trauma stress. It’s best to not give yourself more stress by remaining in contact, even as “friends.” Give yourself permission to heal and don't feel guilty about it.
