Better off dead?

[Daphnis67]

As someone who likes to think that I respect all people to a certain extent, I can't help but think that the world would be a much better place without BPDs... .but then I start to feel like Hitler thinking such things, knowing that I'm human and imperfect too.

My exBPDgf and I broke up 11 months ago and ever since (even before we broke up), I fantasize surprising her by breaking into her place and shooting her in the face.  Gross, yes... .but while I don't think about her as often as I'd expect myself to at this point, at random times I have a huge urge to physically damage her.

[Sailskier]

Let's imagine that you do the deed.

I fantasize surprising her by breaking into her place and shooting her in the face.  Gross, yes... .but while I don't think about her as often as I'd expect myself to at this point, at random times I have a huge urge to physically damage her.

Imagine... .that you don't get caught and you're free to live your life.  Will this action calm your pain?  I am guessing that what you're searching is for answers as to why she did what she did.  She will definitely never give you the answers if you do the deed. And if you don't do the deed, she won' give you the answers, maybe because she doesn't know, or maybe because she doesn't want you to know.  Even if she knows... .she will not tell you because it will reveal what she has been consciouscly or subconsciously been protecting all her life.  To reveal this, would be to reveal the monster she believes that she is.  

The key is to find why you were in this r/s?  Why did you danced the dance?  Once you begin to look into your past and your need to be with someone who "adored" you ... .you will see her differently.  

[Gus926]

Ummmm... .  ?

You won't find me defending defending BPDs much, but if I were your exBPDgf I'd be seeking a restraining order right about now.

Get some therapy.

[Sailskier]

Ummmm... .  ?

You won't find me defending defending BPDs much, but if I were your exBPDgf I'd be seeking a restraining order right about now.

Get some therapy.

Gus926 ... .I think Daphne is venting... .I have never been anywhere near violent w' anyone... .but... .man o' man... .what Daphne said is pretty lame to some of the wild fantasies I've had roaming in my head during my anger stage.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Daphnis67

I'm sorry you are suffering like this     I have recently split with my exuBPDbf, and I know what a range of emotions I went through whilst coming to terms with what happened to me.

What we have to remember is that we are dealing with someone who is mentally ill.  Your ex did not choose to be ill.

I think it may help you to educate yourself about the condition.  There are some great resources on this site.  I found that I was able to get rid of a lot of the feelings of anger towards my ex, once I understood the illness better.  

Remember, you can walk away and start a new life, but your ex is lumbered with this condition forever.

Best wishes

JP

X

[Gus926]

Ummmm... .  ?

You won't find me defending defending BPDs much, but if I were your exBPDgf I'd be seeking a restraining order right about now.

Get some therapy.

Gus926 ... .I think Daphne is venting... .I have never been anywhere near violent w' anyone... .but... .man o' man... .what Daphne said is pretty lame to some of the wild fantasies I've had roaming in my head during my anger stage.

We've all had the anger stage.  But... .at eleven months out?  I don't think so. 

Not to mention that she also responded to the Journaling thread highlighting a post about twelve guns pointing at someone's head. 

I'll say it again Daphnis67, get some therapy.  And stay away from weapons.

[Daphnis67]

Ummmm... .  ?

You won't find me defending defending BPDs much, but if I were your exBPDgf I'd be seeking a restraining order right about now.

Get some therapy.

Gus926 ... .I think Daphne is venting... .I have never been anywhere near violent w' anyone... .but... .man o' man... .what Daphne said is pretty lame to some of the wild fantasies I've had roaming in my head during my anger stage.

We've all had the anger stage.  But... .at eleven months out?  I don't think so. 

Not to mention that she also responded to the Journaling thread highlighting a post about twelve guns pointing at someone's head. 

I'll say it again Daphnis67, get some therapy.  And stay away from weapons.

I assure you, they are just thoughts.  The way that that person described how ugly the handwriting is what I found to be so funny.  I have absolutely zero desire to ever see that monster's face ever again.  Besides, she lives in an entirely different country now (not that even matters).   No worries, I promise.

Helena52, very true... .thank you.

Jessicapuppy, that's what's so hard; I want very badly to hate the ___ out of my ex but at the core of everything, she's a person too.  It's very conflicting sometimes and I wish that I could feel nothing but hatred for her since feeling sorry for her just pisses me off.

[Sailskier]

What we have to remember is that we are dealing with someone who is mentally ill.  Your ex did not choose to be ill.

In agreement w' you Jessica, with a slight twist.  I am recovering and seeing things much clearer.  I believe that anger is appropriate and necessary.  If we didn't get angry... .we would be more screwed up that our BPDs.  However, even after understanding this disorder, dishing out a healthy dosage of compassion, we need to keep in mind that BPDs are very aware of their damage to others, and are very aware that there is something wrong with them.  In today's age, where psych is all over the media... .assistance everywhere... .they chose to not seek help.  You may want to argue that they are mere 3 yr olds, but they've learned to compensate so very well... .their efforts are so grand, but only for their own needs.  They care not to help themselves to stop hurting others... .I only wish that there were no one in this world that would give any attention... .they then, would have no one but themselves to hurt... .and this may propell them to get help.

That is my bit on the necessary and appropriate anger... .it is not personal... .it is my self-esteem finally peepn through  

[2010]

I fantasize surprising her by breaking into her place and shooting her in the face.

Ranting about whether or not someone would be better off dead precludes any possibility of problem solving the pain that you’re feeling right now. So let’s talk about that.

Fantasizing about killing someone who has abandoned you is what Heinz Kohut describes in his theory of narcissistic rage. It is a profound sense of disappointment due to the loss of a self-object.

Kohut didn’t view Narcissism as malignant or a terminal condition. He felt that it was due to Mother’s decreasing availability to meet the child’s every need.  The child then believes that people are either good or bad depending upon their availability rather than holding two simultaneous beliefs at once, in checked balance. Checked balance is what is known as "object constancy."

If all goes well in development, the child handles the trauma created by Mother’s decreasing availability and emerges as an independent human being. If, however, the child does not resolve this crisis in development, the child suffers narcissistic rage and threatens (in his mind) to destroy the bad object (Mother) in a murderous rage.

The loss of subsequent self objects and the onset of age presents painful difficulties for this unresolved crisis *unless* the self can be sufficient without the self object. Unless the loss is acknowledged in a responsible way and grieved with an acceptance of the former partner as a separate and individual person, there will be empty depression and anger. 

It is important that you don’t let this anger fester, for it may lead you away from self respect. Posting a question like this really doesn’t accomplish anything except escalate emotions and encourage counterattacks. It would be better to communicate your feelings in a way that they can be heard by others and lead to resolution. You do want to be heard by people, so it’s important to find a qualified therapist that you can express your hurt to- but be aware that that person should steer you away from these murderous thoughts and on to resolving the loss that continues to haunt you.

Good luck and hope you can find a trusted confidante. 

[jessicapuppy]

In agreement w' you Jessica, with a slight twist.  I am recovering and seeing things much clearer.  I believe that anger is appropriate and necessary.  If we didn't get angry... .we would be more screwed up that our BPDs.  However, even after understanding this disorder, dishing out a healthy dosage of compassion, we need to keep in mind that BPDs are very aware of their damage to others, and are very aware that there is something wrong with them.  In today's age, where psych is all over the media... .assistance everywhere... .they chose to not seek help.  You may want to argue that they are mere 3 yr olds, but they've learned to compensate so very well... .their efforts are so grand, but only for their own needs.  They care not to help themselves to stop hurting others... .I only wish that there were no one in this world that would give any attention... .they then, would have no one but themselves to hurt... .and this may propell them to get help.

Hi there

Yes, as I say, 'I found that I was able to get rid of a lot of the feelings of anger towards my ex, once I understood the illness better'.  I certainly still have anger towards him for certain issues, such as not getting help.  It just helped put a lot of it into perspective for me.  Had he not had any illness, I would have felt as angry as I did immediately after the break-up, for a significantly longer time than I have, I think.  I suppose the anger subsides as I realise more and more that he's not 'all that'.  I was hooked for a while, and amidst the FOG.

I am free now, though.  A weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that I am no longer subjected to walking on eggshells, for a man that would not help himself to help our relationship.  I can now find a man who loves me enough to take his share of responsibilities in the relationship, and wants to put me first, as I will him.

I think it helps to channel our anger into more positive energy, and creating a new life for ourselves.  Whilst we are angry and bitter, we cannot enjoy life, and they are still taking up our time!

[Aviator]

I a littlr disturbed at the direction your anger is taking your thoughts. But I also understand the frustrations.

I used to imagine that if an armed intruder broke into our home and I died in a gunfight to save ny family, then MAYBE my qife would see me as good again.  Pretty sad to think dying a heroic death is the only way your spouse  will respect you again.

But I never wanted to kill her.  I hope all of these thoights are just hypothetical.  Might not hurt to see a counselor about that intense anger.