Who Has it Worse? Those Trying To Run Off a BPD, or Those Dumped by a BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was completely abandoned and that she never really cared in the first place... .and that hurts. After nearly three years together, for someone to go from saying you mean the world to them to being no more important than the dirt under their shoe over night is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

VC, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but the opposite would mean that you would still be in this relationship and battling back and forth for your self esteem on a daily basis. It truly would be a "vicious cycle." While that interaction may provide you with intense feeling, it is not going to protect you from your feelings of being abandoned. It merely distracts you from them and creates a trauma bond.

Trauma bonds need to be broken. Because of this ending- you will feel abandoned. It is right and it is necessary. What needs to be addressed is the mirroring that you needed during the idealization in order to feel good. One person does not hold the key to your happiness. They do, however form bonds that are deeper than starlight and exist on a cellular level. If you cannot let go of the idealization that this person gave you- then have a read about intensity versus intimacy on this thread:

 Intensity vs. Intimacy link

[2010]

I was completely abandoned and that she never really cared in the first place... .and that hurts. After nearly three years together, for someone to go from saying you mean the world to them to being no more important than the dirt under their shoe over night is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

VC, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but the opposite would mean that you would still be in this relationship and battling back and forth for your self esteem on a daily basis. It truly would be a "vicious cycle." While that interaction may provide you with intense feeling, it is not going to protect you from your feelings of being abandoned. It merely distracts you from them and creates a trauma bond.

Trauma bonds need to be broken. Because of this ending- you will feel abandoned. It is right and it is necessary. What needs to be addressed is the mirroring that you needed during the idealization in order to feel good. One person does not hold the key to your happiness. They do, however form bonds that are deeper than starlight and exist on a cellular level. If you cannot let go of the idealization that this person gave you- then have a read about intensity versus intimacy on this thread:

 Intensity vs. Intimacy link

[ithurts2much]

I was dumped. It sucked really bad at first and there is still a small feeling that it "sucks". But I have to be realistic: being with her was horrible. I guess the only reason it sucks now is that my ego is slightly damaged. But who cares? She's done it to everyone she's ever been with. Why would I be an exception?

I did dump her for 3 weeks once, when it first started becoming unbearable to be around her. At first it was like a weight off my shoulders and I was super happy all the time. Then after going 3 weeks without sex I wanted her back. Big mistake. My friend once made a joke about my ex... ."At least porn doesn't btch at me when I'm trying to relax"

[dah1029]

Unfortunately I just ran into mine tonight at a local retaurant.  I'm happy to report that he's fatter than ever.  And his new gf could use a big time makeover--  Plain Jane.  Some people get what they deserve in the end.  The last time we had sex, I refluxed my dinner because he was too heavy on me.  HAHHAHHA.  It's gotta be worse for her.  He's about 20+ heavier than last summer.  And I'm sure he was 300+ lbs when we split up  !  It made my day to watch him waddle out of the retaurant.  Jerk.

[GonnaMakeIt]

I think getting dumped is worse.  And I don't mean to have this sound arrogant and narcissistic when I say it.  But my exBPDbf (although I loved him) is no physical prize.  And I guess he isn't a mental health prize either.  I'm the one that is attractive, looks 10 years younger than 49 per strangers, has the education, and the well paying career.  And yet he dumped me and continues to reject me everytime I tried to meet his complaints/ needs.  The rejection by him of me, kills me.  I have to admit it.  He's a screw up and yet, he dumped me.  

Today is the 1st day of me moving forward with NC and no looking back.  But the last 6 months of getting to this mental state, have just about broken me.  Sometimes I just sit around dumbfounded with my mouth hanging open !  If it wasn't so sad to me, it would be comical.

I can SOO relate. I think part of why I kept pulling him back was because it defied logic why he would throw me away like that. He and I both knew no one was going to put up with his crap like me. I also really didn't want to be another person on his list of people who abandoned him. It's hard because I realize these things have more to do with me than him. It's funny because I just told my friend the other day that when I write down all his flaws and all the things he did to me I can't understand how my entire self-worth hinged on his acceptance of me. It doesn't make sense! She did point out that there are others falling under his spell so it isn't so much that there is something tragically wrong with me but that he is very good at manipulation and charming people. It's the combination that ultimately was damaging.

[GonnaMakeIt]

Any drug is harder to quit when the dealer knocks on your door. 

YES! This sums it up for me. I am both being rejected and I am rejecting him. It's the dance. I just won't dance anymore or answer the door when the dealer knocks. I have to outlast him. I have to say no more times that he knocks. I can do it!

[jeffrey12]

sometimes people tend to forget that we are or were dealing with mentally ill people. just because they lacked sympathy, compassion and empathy doesn't mean that us as nons should feel the need to criticise them in order to make ourselves feel better. they didn't offer those traits out not out of pure spite but because it was embedded in them to express themselves otherwise.

[Kenazz]

I think the question is irrelevant.  What is relevant is how we feel, in our situations.  Whether we are the "asss" (for leaving) or the abandoned/rejected it is a painful place to be.  We have invested our emotions and our lives in what we now know is a relationship with no hope of a happy ending. Love yourself.  Keep moving forward toward your mental health, hour by hour, day by day.  Namaste,  K

[gettingoverit]

I think both would be horrible. Leaving someone you love deeply knowing that you will hurt them by doing so must be very difficult. Being dumped and then replaced within a heart beat is just as hard. For me personally I did not have the strength to leave. I would have stayed for quite a while longer, most likely the only thing that would have made me leave was infidelity on her part or I would have died of a heart attack from all the stress. As it stands, she did me the favour (although done in a ___ty backhanded backstabbing way), I needed to get out, but my co-dependency kept me from moving forward, she made the decision for me. As much as it hurt(s), in the long run I will be a much healthier, happier person.

[gettingoverit]

sometimes people tend to forget that we are or were dealing with mentally ill people. just because they lacked sympathy, compassion and empathy doesn't mean that us as nons should feel the need to criticise them in order to make ourselves feel better. they didn't offer those traits out not out of pure spite but because it was embedded in them to express themselves otherwise.

Yes you are correct in that assessment, but these mentally ill people are also causing a lot of pain and suffering to the very people that want to love them. Look at this board, the amount of damage that they cause is unbelievable. I am willing to bet that some of them know that what they are doing is hurtful, yet they just choose to pretend that they aren't actually acting as horrible as they are. And the kicker is that they have done this to many people. I think most of us on this board have earned the right to complain from time to time especially after the hell we lived through. Just my two cents.

[dah1029]

And I have to tell you that I've been a good sport with my ex's "problem".  I'm fed up and angry now.  So when I can get a dig in, I do.  He doesn't seem to care about sparing my feelings.  But I was brought up to be a good girl and "be nice".  There's just so much good girl in me.  So I do lash out at times and I love it.  He messed with the wrong person.