Confused

[Simon_80]

I know people are probably getting tired of my posts about the broad but why not one more?

I wrote the other night about how hurt, upset I am over her and how it felt like I am not good enough, I feel defeated, low self worth, etc. I had been in contact with her and it was more or less my pathetic attempt to "get her back". She wasn't having any of it and told me to stop and leave her alone. So I did, I stopped. I actually had a moment of clarity and was accepting what has happened, and who she is.

Well the next day (Sunday) she texted me and said "If I don't have my kids I will meet you on Wednesday but its not going to change anything Simon".  I have no idea why she would want to meet me or what? I don't even believe she has any intention of meeting me at all, I think she is trying to get my hopes up or something, but right now I honestly just don't care. I replied just said "ok let me know". I know her and she has done this to me before and I am pretty sure she has no intention of meeting me.

I am just mystified as why she would want to even see me at all? She told me Saturday that she wants me out of her life, and doesn't want me, etc. I am having a hard time figuring out what her motive is here? She wants to break up with me again to my face this time? I don't need that. Ugh It is just really confusing and I really thought she was gone for good this time... .

[123Phoebe]

Hi Simon,

Can you try to demystify why you're setting yourself up for more rejection?  Figure out what your motivations are?  Stop thinking about her reasoning and focus on your own?

You say you don't care, yet you continue to ponder... .

Please try and take good care of your heart right now.  What would be the best thing for you to do since she's already said that meeting up won't change anything and you're already figuring that she's going to bail?

She will be gone for good when you cut the ties.  You have a lot more control over this entire situation than you give yourself credit for... .  Why give her so much power?

[Maria Carolina]

Hi Simon

The only one who has the power to end the confusion is you.

It doesn't matter what are her intentions saying she will meet you. What are yours? Closure, validation, recycling, healing?

She is going to go when you decide that, you are not more at her mercy. Stay strong we support you.

[Simon_80]

Hi Simon,

Can you try to demystify why you're setting yourself up for more rejection?  Figure out what your motivations are?  Stop thinking about her reasoning and focus on your own?

You say you don't care, yet you continue to ponder... .

Please try and take good care of your heart right now.  What would be the best thing for you to do since she's already said that meeting up won't change anything and you're already figuring that she's going to bail?

She will be gone for good when you cut the ties.  You have a lot more control over this entire situation than you give yourself credit for... .  Why give her so much power?

I know she said the meeting won't change anything. I am just trying to figure out why bother at all? I just don't get why after telling me to leave her alone which I was, would she want to meet up with me? I don't get it.

[redfeather]

What is going on in background? Maybe she hit a bump in road in her new "relationship" things arent working out well blah blah blah, But like the others are trying to tell you a re-engage wont work if you dont partcipate.

[Simon_80]

What is going on in background? Maybe she hit a bump in road in her new "relationship" things arent working out well blah blah blah, But like the others are trying to tell you a re-engage wont work if you dont partcipate.

I don't know what is going on in the background. But when she broke up with me she told me there was no one else, but who knows? There probably is. Cause one of the first things I thought was "wow she wants to meet me, new dude has already figured out she is nuts". 

It is just a mindf@ck I know.  Again I am just asking myself why? Why does she want to see me after she has told me over and over she doesn't even want to text or talk to me. I find it very strange and its driving me crazy.

[seeking balance]

I am just mystified as why she would want to even see me at all? She told me Saturday that she wants me out of her life, and doesn't want me, etc. I am having a hard time figuring out what her motive is here?

Because she FEELS like it in the moment she texted - no more, no less.

She wants to break up with me again to my face this time? I don't need that. Ugh It is just really confusing and I really thought she was gone for good this time... .

she will be when you are ready to let go - you do have the power over whether to respond or not and stop the rollercoaster ride.

And, NO - we don't get tired of the posts.  In the beginning, it is why BPD "this and that" then the focus comes to self.  That's the goal - keep moving forward.

[Simon_80]

I am just mystified as why she would want to even see me at all? She told me Saturday that she wants me out of her life, and doesn't want me, etc. I am having a hard time figuring out what her motive is here?

Because she FEELS like it in the moment she texted - no more, no less.

She wants to break up with me again to my face this time? I don't need that. Ugh It is just really confusing and I really thought she was gone for good this time... .

she will be when you are ready to let go - you do have the power over whether to respond or not and stop the rollercoaster ride.

And, NO - we don't get tired of the posts.  In the beginning, it is why BPD "this and that" then the focus comes to self.  That's the goal - keep moving forward.

Sigh... .I know you are right about her just feeling it at that moment. I am still having a hard time letting go of her and it sucks. I love her very much and I know I put up with a lot, endured a lot from her, but I see something in her, I see that good person in there. I wish she would just see it in her self as well.

[seeking balance]

I am just mystified as why she would want to even see me at all? She told me Saturday that she wants me out of her life, and doesn't want me, etc. I am having a hard time figuring out what her motive is here?

Because she FEELS like it in the moment she texted - no more, no less.

She wants to break up with me again to my face this time? I don't need that. Ugh It is just really confusing and I really thought she was gone for good this time... .

she will be when you are ready to let go - you do have the power over whether to respond or not and stop the rollercoaster ride.

And, NO - we don't get tired of the posts.  In the beginning, it is why BPD "this and that" then the focus comes to self.  That's the goal - keep moving forward.

Sigh... .I know you are right about her just feeling it at that moment. I am still having a hard time letting go of her and it sucks. I love her very much and I know I put up with a lot, endured a lot from her, but I see something in her, I see that good person in there. I wish she would just see it in her self as well.

yeah, it is hard to let go.

radical acceptance - both versions that you see are true of her.  The good person and the one that you put up with a lot from.  They are both true.

[oletimefeelin]

Simon,

I went into my break-up this way.  Maybe it'll help you.  I had dinner with a female friend recently, who expressed something similar to me about her break-up as well.  You need to take back your self-respect here. 

Every time she hears from you it makes her feel good, especially the extremes of emotion.  So the "I miss you" or "I love you funny business" that's obvious.  She knows you still care and this makes it easy for her to go about her day with you on the backburner.  This type of woman lives for validation, and you're giving it to her on a silver platter. 

More than anything this all comes off as incredibly needy.  I don't care if the woman is BPD, schizo, or perfectly well-adjusted this is incredibly unattractive in almost all situations.  If you really think getting back with her is what you want - and that's a decision for you to make on your own - then you need to take back your respect here and start acting like a man. 

One of the hardest aspects of this whole ordeal for me has not always been losing her or losing "us".  It's been losing me.  I was a completely different person when I met her.  I was confident.  I was brash.  I would stand my ground and tell her when things pissed me off.  Eventually she broke me because well, I loved the heck out of her and I wanted all the dramatics to die. 

I forget the specifics of your situation.  If I remember correctly she left you for another guy.  So even more so you need to take back your self-respect here.  As you do you'll start to feel better, and more than likely be in a better position to make a rational decision.  If this is something new to you, then there's no better time then right now.  It'll serve you well for the next person, whoever that may end up being.  There's a lot to be learned from these chaotic relationships.  It's mostly in what not to do.

[Simon_80]

Simon,

I went into my break-up this way.  Maybe it'll help you.  I had dinner with a female friend recently, who expressed something similar to me about her break-up as well.  You need to take back your self-respect here. 

Every time she hears from you it makes her feel good, especially the extremes of emotion.  So the "I miss you" or "I love you funny business" that's obvious.  She knows you still care and this makes it easy for her to go about her day with you on the backburner.  This type of woman lives for validation, and you're giving it to her on a silver platter. 

More than anything this all comes off as incredibly needy.  I don't care if the woman is BPD, schizo, or perfectly well-adjusted this is incredibly unattractive in almost all situations.  If you really think getting back with her is what you want - and that's a decision for you to make on your own - then you need to take back your respect here and start acting like a man. 

One of the hardest aspects of this whole ordeal for me has not always been losing her or losing "us".  It's been losing me.  I was a completely different person when I met her.  I was confident.  I was brash.  I would stand my ground and tell her when things pissed me off.  Eventually she broke me because well, I loved the heck out of her and I wanted all the dramatics to die. 

I forget the specifics of your situation.  If I remember correctly she left you for another guy.  So even more so you need to take back your self-respect here.  As you do you'll start to feel better, and more than likely be in a better position to make a rational decision.  If this is something new to you, then there's no better time then right now.  It'll serve you well for the next person, whoever that may end up being.  There's a lot to be learned from these chaotic relationships.  It's mostly in what not to do.

OTF you're right. I haven't been much of a man the last while with her.  I have been beaten down so hard over and over I have forgot what it means to be a man. However since she contacted about me for the potential meeting on Wednesday the urge to contact her and tell her how much I miss her, love her etc. has decreased to almost zero. I don't like what I've become and how dependent I have become on her.  It is time to change, I am sick of living like this and feeling like this.

And you are partially correct about her leaving me for someone else. She did that in the summer and than came back, I think he saw what a nut she is.  This time she said there is no one else but I don't know for sure, I have a hunch there is. But I can't take it anymore she left me once for someone else. Came back told me she'd never leave me and always love me. Look where that got me... .

[oletimefeelin]

OTF you're right. I haven't been much of a man the last while with her.  I have been beaten down so hard over and over I have forgot what it means to be a man. However since she contacted about me for the potential meeting on Wednesday the urge to contact her and tell her how much I miss her, love her etc. has decreased to almost zero. I don't like what I've become and how dependent I have become on her.  It is time to change, I am sick of living like this and feeling like this.

Take some time to yourself.  Figure out what it is that you want.  Sadly, all you are is supply for her right now.

[jacksondog]

Simon This Jacksondog, Go back and read all the inpute from your family here from your post the other day. They left you with some valuable lessons and teachings from experience  to help you do the right thing. You can do it. Keep the faith.

[2010]

This isn't about anything other than your frustration with a person who doesn't mirror you properly.

I know people are probably getting tired of my posts about the broad but why not one more?

I wrote the other night about how hurt, upset I am over her and how it felt like I am not good enough, I feel defeated, low self worth, etc. I had been in contact with her and it was more or less my pathetic attempt to "get her back". She wasn't having any of it and told me to stop and leave her alone. So I did, I stopped. I actually had a moment of clarity and was accepting what has happened, and who she is.

In your mind, she actually represents you. But in this case, she also represents your Mother. On one hand, you call her a broad, which is demeaning - and on the other hand, she represents a very powerful figure, one who can make you feel like you're not good enough and defeated. When Men subsume women as selfobjects, they don't really get much for their trouble except more trouble. And the type of trouble holds the key to your problem.

This person doesn't represent you. She never did and never will. Your thinking of yourself in this way sets you up for certain failure because you've chosen a Borderline. Call it kismet, but this woman is going to teach you about yourself. Some Men have a tendency to want compliance from women, and yet they marvel at the very uncompliant Borderline traits, while not feeling attracted to those that are less likely to give off those signals. There's a reason for that. You've got to feel more deserving of authentic love. When you get pulled into the push/pull, it speaks volumes. You and every other person on this website gets pulled into it for a reason.

This isn't about this woman. It's about feeling undeserving. It's about being frustrated. It's about feeling all alone. People will talk about core wounds and nothing sinks in until you get the scab ripped off during a run-in with a Borderline. But it's all about how you feel and why. These are the struggles you have to come to terms with. Concentrate on the plus side, not the negative side. If you feel like you haven't been much of a Man of late, then you may need to redefine what it means to be Human instead. This isn't a War of gender, it's merely a disorder that's affecting you in ways that you haven't had to consider until now. All things must pass- and this will too. You just need to find a professional adviser and start talking about it.  

[jacksondog]

Wow 2010 that was awesome to read.That was quite an education you just gave me. Thats why this forum is so cool,All these different perspectives on dealing ,and coping a loss from a BPD relationship. Thank you,looking forward to reading more of your impute on this forum

[Simon_80]

Well she texted me again and said "I think you are feeling better, so there is no reason for us to meet tomorrow anymore".

Hahahaha, wow. I can see the manipulation so clearly now, she wants me to beg her. She is not getting anything from me no reply. I am not going to respond, I am sure she will have more to say about me not wanting to see her and that I never really wanted to, or that I blew it, etc.

It is laughable to read that text, says everything about the person she is.

[oletimefeelin]

Translation: tell me how much you miss me for the zillionth time to prop me up. 

They seem to use reverse psychology a lot.  She's basically telling you her worst fear, that you are better off without her.

Listen, Simon, it's a game to be with these women.  Your back story tells me she's at the top end of the BPD drama spectrum.  It's been a long road.  At this point you're hurting and hearing from her probably makes you feel good in some weird way.  You're going to have to get to that point without any contact from her.  That's the endgame here.

So don't not respond to play back at her.  Don't respond because you're taking back your self-respect.  She's going to notice. 

If you don't sit at the table, you don't have to play the game.

Remember do this because it's what you want to do for you.  She's probably going to have to split you black at some point here, but in the back of her mind you taking control of your life will make her pause.

[Simon_80]

Translation: tell me how much you miss me for the zillionth time to prop me up. 

They seem to use reverse psychology a lot.  She's basically telling you her worst fear, that you are better off without her.

Listen, Simon, it's a game to be with these women.  Your back story tells me she's at the top end of the BPD drama spectrum.  It's been a long road.  At this point you're hurting and hearing from her probably makes you feel good in some weird way.  You're going to have to get to that point without any contact from her.  That's the endgame here.

So don't not respond to play back at her.  Don't respond because you're taking back your self-respect.  She's going to notice. 

If you don't sit at the table, you don't have to play the game.

Remember do this because it's what you want to do for you.  She's probably going to have to split you black at some point here, but in the back of her mind you taking control of your life will make her pause.

I love what you said here. As soon as I read it I just laughed cause it was so clear, her manipulation, tactics. Like it is some big loss to me that I don't get to see her so she can make me feel like crap more. That is not the kind of person who is mentally healthy. I am done being her little toy that she can play with and throw away when she wants. 

As small as her text was it speaks volumes to me.

I will keep everyone posted... .

[stonehead]

I don't know what is going on in the background. But when she broke up with me she told me there was no one else, but who knows? There probably is. Cause one of the first things I thought was "wow she wants to meet me, new dude has already figured out she is nuts". 

It is just a mindf@ck I know.  Again I am just asking myself why? Why does she want to see me after she has told me over and over she doesn't even want to text or talk to me. I find it very strange and its driving me crazy.

Simon_80

You know what she is trying to do. She is trying to mind-___ you.  My expwBPD did the samething to me a couple of times. She would send me a single-line email " Please remember, I still love you". This would get my hope very high and I would write back to her right the way and thank her.  And then, she would not reply to my emails. I felt soo stupid and soo humiliated.  These borderline creatures are really the most cruel, sadistic and perverted b~s!

[HowPredictable]

Well the next day (Sunday) she texted me and said "If I don't have my kids I will meet you on Wednesday but its not going to change anything Simon".  ... . I am having a hard time figuring out what her motive is here?

I will apply the Universal BPD Decoder Ring and give you the simple translation, Simon_80:

"I have a personality disorder that is caused by a complete lack of self-esteem.  I dread abandonment.  So I need to know, Simon_80, that despite my incredibly shoddy treatment of you, you will jump through hoops at my whim, and come to see me at my arbitrary beck and call.  However, once I know that you are willing to meet me, my incredibly self-serving ploy is a success, and my need for reassurance is temporarily met.  So I don't need to actually bother driving to see you.  This way, I can spend my Wednesday night getting more validation, elsewhere."

Also:  What 2010 said.  

[redfeather]

Ok so Simon it is entirely possible new dude found out she is cuckoo and bolted for the door. That would explain her texting you back. But like the others point out she seems to be hedging her bets still and everything is still about her. And the post by HowPredictable? priceless! and so spot on. and funny!

Leave her alone. if you went back to her and she behaved for say 3-6 weeks and then bolted for the door again you will be right back out in the cold again. it might even hurt worse. I know the one time I allowed my 1st pwBPD to recycle me when she dumped me on my head again even KNOWING about BPD at the time it HURT! Like a scab being ripped off a healing wound.

See her now and I praise Jesus I let her go!

[Simon_80]

Well, here I am sitting in my hotel room in her city, she is close by in the same city. I didn't cave and respond to her text last night and I have to admit it has been extremely hard.  She hasn't texted me back either.

I do miss her, I do still love her, I do wish she was here with me in this room like she was back in January where we spent a beautiful weekend.  I know its silly, but I wish she was just "normal".  But she isn't and it's so hard to accept. But at the same time she treated me so badly sometimes it was like a nightmare, and I don't miss that.

I am being strong but it hurts so much knowing she is close to me and doesn't she doesn't care.Thank god I won't be back here for at least a month hopefully longer.

It is going to be a long night... .

[HowPredictable]

It is going to be a long night... .

Then it's a perfect opportunity to peruse the 500+ pages of individual topic-headings in this sub-forum alone, to remind yourself that 1) these BPDs are tragically unable to give us what we want; 2) the January weekend was just a temporary "honeymoon" or a period of all white (rather than black) and was not real or lasting; and 3) they will never ever ever change.

You're not alone, Simon_80.  In fact you are in very good company indeed.

[Simon_80]

It is going to be a long night... .

Then it's a perfect opportunity to peruse the 500+ pages of individual topic-headings in this sub-forum alone, to remind yourself that 1) these BPDs are tragically unable to give us what we want; 2) the January weekend was just a temporary "honeymoon" or a period of all white (rather than black) and was not real or lasting; and 3) they will never ever ever change.

You're not alone, Simon_80.  In fact you are in very good company indeed.

Thanks for that and by the way loved the "BPD decoder ring" post from last night, it was great.

[HowPredictable]

loved the "BPD decoder ring" post from last night, it was great.

You are most welcome.   At this point, I feel I deserve an Honorary Degree in BPD Speak.  Earned it the hard way, unfortunately.