When A PwBPD Cheats, How Do They Choose A Partner?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When a pwBPD decides to cheat on their husband or partner, which criteria does a pwBPD use when selecting a new mate. Is it:

1) Someone who gives them attention.

2) Someone they can dominate.

3) Someone who is available and not attached.

4) Someone who is physically attractive to them.

5) Someone who is opposite in their persona to their husband or partner.

6) Someone who plays hard to get and they want the chase.

7) None of the above, but other reasons.

[Willingtolearn]

When a pwBPD decides to cheat on their husband or partner, which criteria does a pwBPD use when selecting a new mate. Is it:

1) Someone who gives them attention.

2) Someone they can dominate.

3) Someone who is available and not attached.

4) Someone who is physically attractive to them.

5) Someone who is opposite in their persona to their husband or partner.

6) Someone who plays hard to get and they want the chase.

7) None of the above, but other reasons.

[nylonsquid]

There's no method to the madness.

But for the sake of analyzing, here's what I experienced. My exuBPDgf figured I'm the 'asian type', probably based on a pic or 2 she dug up on Facebook. She's now with an asian dude. Coincidence? I dunno. I do know that she's never been with one or never showed an interest in any.

[Applehead]

Not sure but in my opinion someone who gives them attention.  Whats crazy is that I think if they're desperate enough they'll cheat with anyone.  I believe my exes and I have comparable looks but my exBPDgf Waif, which was before the my most recent BPD Hermit, married some dude after me who was really ugly and didn't have money either!  I couldn't believe it!  She even told me once that she knew he was ugly too!  Some things they can do will surprise you!  I'm all about love but have to be attracted to someone and I'm not about money either although I make a decent wage. 

[Faded]

My 1st replacement apparently supported my ex through her break up although we hadnt broke up until a week or 2 after they started seeing each other.

I got the impression he was fed all lies i was told about her ex when she met me, so im sure i was abusive and agressive in her words to him (the victim)

Her now husband a different fella to who she cheated on me with also said the same thing, that he supported her through the break up with me!

Im sure again he was fed all the BS i was fed and her cheat partner was fed.

Although her now husband didnt need to support her in leaving me, she had already left me long time before, months before and had partners in between our split and them meeting.

I see the pattern, shes the victim and her ex's are all her abusers. If things go pear shaped with her husband im sure he will become the abuser, she will become the victim and her husbands replacement will be the one who supports her through all of this until he becomes the abuser and she the victim again.

So in my case she selected partners that would care for her as the victim until she got her claws into him. Nothing personal to me im sure as its a pattern i clearly recognise from before we met, to our r/s, to the present time.

Maybe they dont all select in that way but thats the way my ex went with her selection/manipulation.


What does this say about us? we was also one of their selection and we allowed ourselves to be selected, we also chose to select them as our partner.

[seektruth]

In the past I have analyzed this to death as I experienced the cheating to the nth degree and my conclusion is that anyone that is available and willing to give them the attention.  My ex did not have a type at all - she could've been tall, short, skinny, fat, fair, dark, etc.  It honestly did not matter as long as she was willing to feed his ego and validate him.  Many times my ex would portray himself as the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship and in turn would gain the sympathy of other women.  Little did the other women know that in reality they were sympathizing and basically enabling a woman beater. 

[JJay]

They really don't care how you look like. It's just all about her needs and your availability. You need to be there for her at all costs and see her as victim. Step by step she will pull you further and further in her BPD web. That's all!    

... .And be a complete doormat of course.  

[beyondbelief]

I think the answer is a bit more complex.  If the pwBPD is acting out BPD tendencies then it can appear more random.  Other times the BPD tendencies are less visible and they may be acting like Nons who choose to cheat.

[redberry]

I think all of the above in varying degrees, though not sure about 5 and 6... .

I think the longer they are unattached (panicking), the more they will loosen their requirements and just search desperately for almost anyone who will attach as quickly as possible.  Bottom line, they have to be attached.  If supply is plentiful, they can be picky.  If not, they'll take whatever they can get.

[bpdlover]

Any way they can would be the answer. Surprises go with the territory. The longer the relationship, more likely she is looking for an opposite of what she has in order to blame. She is the victim at all times and enlists the help of whoever wants to play. When I began to talk to her, it took me over a year before I was snagged. I thought she was strange and didn't call often. The minute a wave of denial blankets reality, conversations accelerate, as the new object (always called a friend) lets her pretend to care, be strong and start to dominate their life issues. All the while, she is bagging out the current flame and at times even comparing her new friend to her partner. My ex likes the dominance because it means she is accepted sexually or on some level and her work is done. She can now concentrate on having all her needs met without having to care. The minute she is asked to step up and take responsibility, the friend becomes more and the partner is sent on paid vacation for up to three weeks. We did this dance many times and I could never get proof whether she cheated. It didn't matter. This is not love, just two hurt people triangulating (read definition) out looking for answers. One, a non with core self issues forming an addictive attachment, the other childish with no emotionally regulation, punishing and cold. I agree that after a while unattached, they start to go stir crazy.

[redberry]

I think anybody, and I mean anybody can be some form of potential supply in the BPDs mind.

There was an older, overweight, but average looking woman who ran a gas station near my ex's place.  Now, this woman was old enough to be my ex's grandmother. She would flirt heavily with him and even send him racy emails (he gave her his email address after she offered him temporary work if he needed it).  She was always giving him free food and he definitely took advantage of that.  But, she was a form of supply (free meals, employment) so he stayed in communication with her, probably a few times a month.  Would email her with "inside jokes," and sort of provoke her sexual responses--compliments on his looks and very suggestive (age-inappropriate), heavy innuendo. It really made me uncomfortable because I just thought it was kind of gross, but I think it fed his ego and made sure she was still a tool for him to use if he needed her.  Would he have ever slept with her?  Truthfully, if she could provide him with something he really wanted and he was feeling unattached... .Yes, I think he would and, of course, never admit it.  It really is sick.  But they will go to any length and use anybody to fill their needs.

[OneVoice]

When a pwBPD decides to cheat on their husband or partner, which criteria does a pwBPD use when selecting a new mate. Is it:

1) Someone who gives them attention.

2) Someone they can dominate.

3) Someone who is available and not attached.

4) Someone who is physically attractive to them.

5) Someone who is opposite in their persona to their husband or partner.

6) Someone who plays hard to get and they want the chase.

7) None of the above, but other reasons.

It's all about whomever can give them the most attention.  The 1st person my exBPDbf cheated on me with, was a girl, he described as "Needy."  After we broke up when I found out.  I started laughing, because I was like, "you think she is needy, wow you are needy."  So I guess like attracts like.  My ex with BPD was all about the chase.  He loved looking at porn that was all about teasing.  And he loved S&M... .dominating.  Which I don't care for... .ugh we were so mismatched in so many ways. 

[kimbers43]

Attention and attention only. My ex is seeing a guy from work simply because everyone gossiped that they were shagging each other. He asked for her number and they both decided to get together because of this. She hated the guy and would not speak to him before all this happened when i was seeing her!

[HostNoMore]

Very impulsively, or else the BPD will have some ex that you do not know about as their Rolodex stretches from here to the moon.

Yet, they have few, if any friends.  I love paradoxes... .

[redfeather]

Anyone! Doesnt matter as its always about supply. You could blink at mine and depending on her mood be her new love. Also has 300 plus friends on FB and she told me once NONE of them were her actual friends. She said she didnt have any "real" friends. Sad but she treats people horribly.

[HostNoMore]

You nailed it redfeather. It is strictly about supply.  There is no limit on the supply of fools.  I used to be one myself.

There is no shortage of folks who think they've struck gold due to the mirroring, know the BPD is just not right but do not care or cannot unbind from the BPD and will be recyclable.

The BPDs have many techniques by which they can ensnare.

[HowPredictable]

This will sound more callous than I intend it to, because I really do have compassion and sympathy for pwBPD.  (I view it as a tragic , incurable disorder generally born of childhood abuse).

But in looking for a new partner, I imagine the pwBPD as a mosquito.  The mosquito knows that it needs nourishment (in the form of blood), and goes off to seek a new host.   Some hosts will be more appealing than others in terms of body scent (i.e. FOO issues and "rescuer" characteristics), but at some point, any host will do.  It is doing what it must do, to survive.

The mosquito bites the host and withdraws the needed blood.   Now full, and becoming fearful that it will get swatted (i.e. abandoned), it moves on.   Mission accomplished.  

(And the mosquito leaves behind the pesky, maddening, itchy venom that drives the host crazy with annoyance.   But with time (and therapy, LOL) that feeling eventually fades.)

[Applehead]

Howpredictable, Good analogy!  Or you can say like vampires which is much harsher! Lol!  I do think some older ones turn into Hermits when their looks fade.  My still looks good though.  The bottom line is that they live off a host and like blood!

[SeekingInnerPeace]

For my PDH (uBPD/uNPD), he portrayed himself to me as being the victim of so many different traumatizing scenarios.  I honestly do not know what, if anything, was true.

According to him, his first wife ran on him from nearly the beginning, and was a chronic liar.  That all may be true, but I can tell you that it is also true for him as well.  He made himself out to be the sole victim, but from what I can tell, she was a victim as well.

I do believe what he told me about her, b/c the few times I’ve been around her, you can see the evil dripping from her soul, as it smolders in her eyes.  I think she hates me, mostly b/c I am with him (which means he was successful at locating another mate after their divorce, even though she remarried first).

On to the main question.  For my PDH, there are favorite types, but there is no one set type.  I’ve seen him drool over women who were not what I would consider alluring or overly attractive.  But the attraction for him came in the form of narcissistic supply for him.  It was all b/c they singled him out and paid some type of attention to him – either through a smile, eye contact, or a conversation.  Any attention given to him seems to feed his ego.  If someone is willing to feed his ego and give him that supply he so desperately needs, b/c he is not able to maintain a good level of self-esteem on his own, from within – then they are fair game to him.  Someone who is only being friendly is seen as a sexual object to him – b/c he sexualizes nearly everything and everyone, in nearly every situation.

My PDH lives in such a fantasy world anyway, and generally-speaking, women are objects to him, so it is fairly easy for him to use someone’s body as a vehicle for him to act out the fantasy going through his mind, whether it is during a sexual encounter in the physical sense, or during a fantasy he can only play out in his mind in that moment, b/c sex isn’t an option, being in a public place with your spouse nearby.

My point is that it doesn’t matter too much what the other woman looks like.  In his mind, she will look like whomever he wants her to look like anyway in that moment.  Fantasy does replace reality, whenever he needs it to.  I know, b/c he’s done it plenty of times with me in the bedroom.  I got to know when he was using me as an object, so that he could act out his fantasies (pretty much most of the time).  I got to know when the fantasy of another had replaced me, and even though I was there in body, for him, I was not really there otherwise.  In his mind, he had made me become someone else.  This was easy to figure out, b/c often, he would cover his whole face with something (pillow, towel, sheet, shirt), which prevented him from literally even seeing me when we were together like that.

I think that for them, it does start out as narcissistic supply feed in the form of any kind of attention.  But if they remain with someone longer term, it is definitely b/c they were able to eventually take on that domineering role in their control of that person, alternating with appearing to be submissive, when that is what will best serve them (often to confuse the other person, and after all, they have to paint themselves in a better light at least some of the time).  This was the M.O. my PDH used, anyway.

This was why I could not see all the ways my PDH was trying to control me – b/c he kept switching back and forth between that and submissiveness.  In the end, it confused me, alright.  It clouded the waters, and I could not see the big picture clearly for some time.

It is easier for them to get their supply from someone who feels some level of compassion for them, hence the “victim” persona, which my PDH definitely made himself out to be.  In the process, he fails to see how much he in fact victimizes so many other people.

They say that abused children grow up to be abusers themselves.  I guess some victims of trauma feel they have a right in turn to traumatize others.  It is a shame that some of them do not learn how to break the vicious cycle, once and for all.

Anyway, I may have been PDH’s victim once upon a time, but I am not his victim today.  Even though he wants to be seen as a victim, I do not wish to be seen as one in turn.

[redberry]

Seeking, I can relate to much of what you said.  I think my ex was able to create fantasies and allow them to replace reality as well.  He was always wanting me to participate in some kind of sexual encounter where he had very specific outfits that he wanted me to wear, a certain way to style my hair, certain lighting and music that he chose... .  Very detailed expectations that he would send me over text along with graphic descriptions of what he wanted to do in bed!  I fell for it at the time and did everything he wanted.  I got pleasure out of it, in the moment, but I was too blind to see that I was nothing more than an object.  And afterward, i felt so empty and sad and i couldnt understand why.  I later realized its because it had nothing to do with wanting to be with ME, but to play out the role he had in his head.  Maybe while he dreamed of another woman? I don't know.  Either way, to him, I was nothing more than a nameless object in a fantasy role.  My subconscious knew something wasn't right and was pulling me down into deeper depression, the more this went on.  I couldn't understand why I was becoming more and more sad.  Now I understand.

[once removed]

yeah, i dont really think theres one answer, or much of one, really.

virtually anyone, any reason.

i have a hunch, nothing to prove it, that in some cases, the idea and the process excites them in some way. it usually discludes REAL intimacy and yet its also an emotional bandaid.

i never had any evidence, or even the slightest suspicion of cheating, based on my exes behavior, but once i got to this board i sure did. may have been repeated, even. again, its a hunch, but i kind of suspect in my exes mind, she got something from the idea that she was somehow punishing me.

theres a lot at work here. remember since a pwBPD doesnt have a stable sense of self, they can sometimes have "gender confusion", and whether or not they otherwise would, be intimate with someone of the same sex.

ive read a lot of stories. there doesnt seem to be a standard. the person doesnt have to be attractive, even.

i suppose, in some cases, if its consciously to get back at you, it could be with someone you know, maybe even a friend, or someone you dont necessarily know, but would have a specific reason to be jealous over. i think its often someone you wouldnt suspect, or theyve specifically given you reason to believe this person is the last person theyd do such a thing with.

i think its mostly number three. ill tell you, my ex left me for my doppelganger, a guy i actually met one time. something always told me there was something to that, her friends told me she was very much aware of it. could be my ego, but i think id be past that. i was never jealous of the guy or their relationship. i know shed never dated a guy that looked at all like me, and then she decided i was uniquely her "type". i have shoulder length hair and a beard, and look like id be in a rock band (and i am ) the guy before me was like... .i think he was foreign, pretty good looking guy, but WEIRD. socially extremely awkward. i got the impression he was a bit preppy but i could have been wrong. my ex dressed nice/fancy almost all the time, but i never at all considered her "preppy". the guy before him was a tiny, skinny, very nerdy looking kid. new guy is just like me but with tattoos. even has a messed up nose like me . i know he was giving her attention (1) when i was ignoring her.

availability+attention+impulse

[redberry]

I want to follow up on the excellent point Luckystrikes made about gender confusion.  I absolutely believe this is true.  My ex is a "man's man." very masculine, into rough sports like boxing and rugby.  If you were around him, you would have no hint that he that he was anything but absolutely straight.

BUT... .

I did notice that he seemed to have more gay, or at least "sexually questionable" male acquaintances than any other man in our group of friends.  Some of them, he spent an unusual anount of individual time with.  Now, I have no problem with gay people, but my ex and our mutual male friends sometimes talk about how homosexuality makes them uncomfortable--lets just say they're not the types of guys you will typically find hanging out with gay guys.  But after drinking or smoking, I have seen my ex heavily mirror or cling to guys who I know are are gay or at least bisexual, and the way he interacts with some of them is very physical--a lot of touching and close, rather soft body language--kind of flirty.  NOTHING like the usual silent, stoic personality he normally has.  On top of that, I have heard rumors that he has hooked up with a handful of guys in his past.

I can't say with 100% certainty, but my gut tells me he is no stranger to homosexual activity--just another deep, dark secret locked behind an iron-clad emotional vault.  When might he choose a homosexual partner?  In the past, this kind of stuff surfaced when he wasn't as attached to me as he would like to be (we were fighting, I was out of town, etc.).  He certainly prefers women, but I think BPD runs so deep, even sexuality is in flux when they feel really down and really detached.

[SeekingInnerPeace]

Since we are now on the subject of sexuality…

Ah yes, RB, that “iron-clad emotional vault” you mention and all those deep dark secrets hidden there…

Same here.  PDH definitely prefers women.  But he can also be atypical (for him), when he delves into his deep, dark hidden sexual side that is definitely also there in some moments.  Some of what he wanted to do pushed the boundaries a bit for me (back then, I went along with him, not only b/c I wanted to please him, but also, b/c I wanted his approval).  I do have an open mind and believe that a person’s sexuality is a very personal choice that is only that person’s to make.  I have gay friends of both sexes.  I am just not personally interested in having a romantic relationship that is not heterosexual in every single way.

I do not know if he has ever been with a man.  For all I know about him, there is so much I don’t know about him, and probably will never know for certain about him.  He is a closed book in most respects.

He goes through cycles when he makes an audible sound of approval when he sees an alluring female (he usually only stops for a time if I have confronted him, b/c it is insulting).  But I have heard him make this same sound a few times when an alluring male was on TV or in our midst, I suppose when his guard was down.  This both surprised me and alarmed me.  It made me wonder if he ever has or ever would cross the line with a man in this way.

I can appreciate beauty and attractiveness in both genders.  But there is not a constant sexual undertone to everything, like there is with my PDH.  The sound he makes is definitely rooted in sex.  When I heard him make this sound in terms of another man – a sound that is generally reserved for females – it immediately sent me to that place where I found myself wondering what else goes through his mind at times, and just which lines he is capable of crossing.

And another aspect of gender confusion is gender identity.  I have read that some pwBPD feel they are the opposite sex trapped in their body and some do pursue sex change operations.  I believe this is but one possible aspect of BPD and not something that is prevalent in most, but rather only in a very small percentage.

I do not believe this is the case with my PDH, though who knows for sure?  But what I do believe is that he has at times in the past had cross dressing tendencies.  Though I’ve never confronted him about this (b/c I know he would never admit such a thing to me…I mean, he’s kept innocuous things hidden from me, such as his coin collection hobby, which took me 5 years to discover…why would he admit cross dressing tendencies to me?) – I do have my reasons for strongly suspecting this.  There is enough circumstantial evidence I’ve uncovered that leads me to my strong suspicion.

I do not think this tendency is a constant, but rather, only an occasional part of who he is.  I believe it ebbs and flows.  Just as you point out, RB, under the right conditions, what is the norm for them sexually can change, depending upon how they are feeling, what is going through their minds, and what mode they are in with us.

There were many clues leading to my suspicion, but the biggest was when I found an on-line dating profile under men seeking women, of a man dressed in drag.  The man looked strikingly like my PDH.  The photos showed his progression of weight gain, just as I had witnessed.  I did a double take when I saw one of them from when he was thin, b/c at first glance, it looked exactly like one of PDH’s sons.  When PDH is at his thinnest, his son and he look very much alike.  I had been searching profiles, b/c I had the sense he was on dating websites, looking for my replacement.  It was during that first cycle of devaluation of me, which took place over our first summer together.  After a month or two, the profile disappeared.

I have not been able to get my head around this possibility, so I have done all I can to stay in my own form of denial about this.  When the possible truth feels too heavy, I convince myself that it couldn’t possibly be true.  But the clues continue to surface on occasion despite, and all they do for me is support my suspicions.

The last clue was when PDH told me he was thinking of shaving his armpits.  I felt like saying to him, “What’s next, your legs?”.  I know that some younger heterosexual (non-cross dressing) men do this, and that’s fine, if that is what they are into, for whatever the reasons (from what I’ve read, it is often for strictly grooming reasons in wanting to feel cleaner).  But I am of an older generation, and being somewhat old-fashioned, this idea turns me off.  If this was the only clue, then I probably would not think much of it, in terms of it being a possible clue to cross-dressing.  But when you throw in all the other clues I have found (PDH still keeps a waist cincher in his underwear drawer, and I have not been able to bring myself to ask him about this either), my suspicions become stronger than ever.

And then my denial begins all over again…

I will say that PDH does have some very effeminate eccentricities at times, though mixed in with those are equally masculine traits.  That all by itself is not an indication either.  It is when I look at the big picture of everything all together that leads me to believe he has cross-dressing tendencies, at least on occasion (I’ve read that some men only want to cross dress once every 6 months, some only once a year, etc.).

One part of me says, “What does it matter now?  You have already made the decision to leave him, once you can financially support yourself.”  The other part of me still has a need to know the truth about all things, where he is concerned.  Perhaps that will wane, once he’s gone.  I have to assume that I will never know the truth about most things.

[once removed]

seekinginnerpeace,

you would/wouldnt be surprised . im neither confirming or denying your situation. just want to say when i was with my ex, i overlooked a few clues myself. mine was clingy, needy, dependent, and almost perpetually stuck in the idealization phase. i practically lived with her. we didnt keep tons of privacy.

when i made it to this site, so much clicked with me, and added up. im now quite confident my ex cheated, probably repeatedly. there was a particular time, too. early in our relationship she mentioned a guy who had been her neighbor. said she was "with" him for around three months, mostly a sexual thing. says she got tired of him. said afterwards, hed occasionally text her or something, drunk, saying he was coming over.

fast forward an entire two years or more, and im at her place. she gets a text and starts to freak out. apparently the guy has texted her, saying hes coming over. he didnt. but she sure did delete the conversation pretty fast! there was a period of time around then where we hadnt seen much of each other. i think its fairly obvious what was going on. i pointed out to her the obvious suspicion. but i told her i wasnt gonna push it because i didnt think she was cheating, but hoped shed give me the same respect in the future 

apart from that, like i said, we practically lived together. i knew virtually every one she talked to. id even use her phone sometimes, so id see who shed been texting with. now i know otherwise. she was exactly the type to have a few guys kind of dangling around for narcissistic supply. i consider myself an expert on this kind of thing, and it was all completely under my radar.

my point is, basically, whatevers true or false, whether youre in denial or not, i think once the fog clears, youll be able to deal, and decide whats true and what isnt.

[bpdlover]

Good comments. My ex had an assortment of objects orbiting around and there were never any clear boundaries. When I asked her to stand up and make a decision, I would be the one ejected from her world for up to two weeks. I am certain she cheated on me at least twice during our relationship and I was never allowed to call her on any of it towards the end. It was all my fault. If my ex wants a chance at a long term future with somebody, she is going to have to deal with her illness and get some ongoing help. I wish her the best.

[alwaysloving]

Is it possible for a pwBPD to act like a non? I'm talking about like really different all the other times and other dates she went on (me included) she kept her dating profile up on my date with her she told me she found what she's looking for but I noticed when I got back home she got right back on it... but that's for another thread... Anyways my point I'm trying to get to is how can she all of a sudden meet this guy and delete her profile after like 11 months of being up after going on one date then saying I love you? It almost seem like she knew what she was doing... and acting like a non.

[shatra]

appplehead wrote--

before the my most recent BPD Hermit, married some dude after me who was really ugly and didn't have money either!  I couldn't believe it! 

---Why would she choose someone unattractive and broke?  Is it her own low self-esteem? Or does she assume someone with all that negtativity would be grateful to be with her, so as a result he wouldn't leave her? I'm confused

[Fr4nz]

When a pwBPD decides to cheat on their husband or partner, which criteria does a pwBPD use when selecting a new mate. Is it:

1) Someone who gives them attention.

2) Someone they can dominate.

3) Someone who is available and not attached.

4) Someone who is physically attractive to them.

5) Someone who is opposite in their persona to their husband or partner.

6) Someone who plays hard to get and they want the chase.

7) None of the above, but other reasons.

Usually, and assuming they're in a relationship, it's commonly a combination of these factors:

1) They're devauling their partner (idealization phase ended, basically).

2) They're searching attention/validation from others, since they perceive these things are not coming from their partner.

3) They're "punishing" their current partner for some wrong they perceive to have received (see also the points above).

4) Lack of impulse control and search for intense emotions.

5) Trying to control the sense of emptiness/void MANY of them sense periodically.

Some of them may have some kind of criterion to choose partners for their flings but, as you can clearly see from the points above, particular criterions are not really needed. Indeed, they usually end up with people far worse than their main partner.

As for my personal experience: my exBPD told me she didn't really care about the physical aspect of her partners. Because, as we all know, it's in the end a metter of validation/attention for them... .

[Fr4nz]

I see the pattern, shes the victim and her ex's are all her abusers. If things go pear shaped with her husband im sure he will become the abuser, she will become the victim and her husbands replacement will be the one who supports her through all of this until he becomes the abuser and she the victim again.

Yes, they're basically triangulating and doing the victim, as yoiu said.

So in my case she selected partners that would care for her as the victim until she got her claws into him. Nothing personal to me im sure as its a pattern i clearly recognise from before we met, to our r/s, to the present time.

Maybe they dont all select in that way but thats the way my ex went with her selection/manipulation.


What does this say about us? we was also one of their selection and we allowed ourselves to be selected, we also chose to select them as our partner.

We shouldn't beat ourselves, we didn't have the knowledge to cope with BPD individuals at that time

[hashtag_loyal]

Usually, and assuming they're in a relationship, it's commonly a combination of these factors:

1) They're devauling their partner (idealization phase ended, basically).

2) They're searching attention/validation from others, since they perceive these things are not coming from their partner.

3) They're "punishing" their current partner for some wrong they perceive to have received (see also the points above).

4) Lack of impulse control and search for intense emotions.

5) Trying to control the sense of emptiness/void MANY of them sense periodically.

Some of them may have some kind of criterion to choose partners for their flings but, as you can clearly see from the points above, particular criterions are not really needed. Indeed, they usually end up with people far worse than their main partner.

As for my personal experience: my exBPD told me she didn't really care about the physical aspect of her partners. Because, as we all know, it's in the end a metter of validation/attention for them... .

This is very true. I think for long-term r/s partners, pwBPD are attracted to parental types, or rather those that can take care of them and further enable their sense of helplessness and victimization. As for affair partners? I think convenience is the only important factor.

On a side note, I often wonder why folks on this board trip out on what their ex's find/found attractive in us or others. PwBPD do not evaluate the appeal of a romantic partner in the same way that nons do. To them, we are just cake, and our own personal traits are merely the icing on that cake. And as we all know, there are many flavors of icing and they all taste sweet.

[Cane787]

Usually, and assuming they're in a relationship, it's commonly a combination of these factors:

1) They're devauling their partner (idealization phase ended, basically).

2) They're searching attention/validation from others, since they perceive these things are not coming from their partner.

3) They're "punishing" their current partner for some wrong they perceive to have received (see also the points above).

4) Lack of impulse control and search for intense emotions.

5) Trying to control the sense of emptiness/void MANY of them sense periodically.

Some of them may have some kind of criterion to choose partners for their flings but, as you can clearly see from the points above, particular criterions are not really needed. Indeed, they usually end up with people far worse than their main partner.

As for my personal experience: my exBPD told me she didn't really care about the physical aspect of her partners. Because, as we all know, it's in the end a metter of validation/attention for them... .

This is very true. I think for long-term r/s partners, pwBPD are attracted to parental types, or rather those that can take care of them and further enable their sense of helplessness and victimization. As for affair partners? I think convenience is the only important factor.

On a side note, I often wonder why folks on this board trip out on what their ex's find/found attractive in us or others. PwBPD do not evaluate the appeal of a romantic partner in the same way that nons do. To them, we are just cake, and our own personal traits are merely the icing on that cake. And as we all know, there are many flavors of icing and they all taste sweet.

What if you were the lover then idealized into a long term relationship as a parental figure then you finally hit your limit with how you have been treated over the years and leave them? Do they just try to choose more supply or mourn the ones who got away? Can anyone answer this?