What are the traits of a BPD hermit?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, yeah, what are the characteristics of someone who be considered a BPD hermit?

[Belka]

So, yeah, what are the characteristics of someone who be considered a BPD hermit?

[nparade]

I haven't heard of that before. Can you point me to where you heard/read it?

[Belka]

I'm not exactly sure, I'll try to do some research myself, but I'd read of four basic BPD types: the queen, the witch, the hermit, and the waif. Queen and witch were pretty self explanatory, to me at least. The waif and the hermit have been the two that I've needed clarification on.

[refuge]

I had a waif/hermit

basically she wont leave the house unless its doing kids activity or something she needs to do. Vacations are always in structured, closed in habitats. Plans are always made weeks in advance. If you change plan on her mid stream be prepaired for a response 1000X out of proportion for said offense. She will make lists the night before detailing every moment of her day. If you disrespect the list be prepared for response 1000X out of proportion for said offense. She will always find time to leave the shelter when a social event important to her status or image presents itself. She will never find time when you want to leave house to do anything.

The house is her domain, it is a metaphore. It will usually be fenced, and closed up. You will have a hard time figuring out if anyone is ever home when you pull into driveway.

[refuge]

oh ... and she will not leave the house at night alone under any circumstances. Also- if you are not living with her watch for the close neighbors. She will recruite the husbands as backup in the event she gets caught by herself or gets tired of using her own kid. They are also super sensative to time. If dinner is at 6:30 you better have your a$$ at the table. If you are anyplace else its because you are cheating on her requiring a swift and brutal response.

They have to control the environment because they are really sensatibe to emotional dysregulation... anything goes wrong they loose their minds

[nparade]

I had never read that before... .thanks for the help!

[catnap]

I hope this helps:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

[Applehead]

Waifs are clingy, needy, cry easy, total drama, get their feelings hurt easy, always say they love you more than you love them, they just want you to rescue them and in my opinion very sexual.

Hermits are perfectionists, if they have stress like a change in job or move they bc insane and will take it out on you, they read into email, texts and things you say and find negative, threatening, or attacking things that aren't there, they're homebodies but will go out sometimes too but love their private time.  They don't want you around as much as a Waif and aren't as crybaby as a Waif or as dramatic.  They'll cancel plans on you at the last minute for a trip or vacation and keep you and their opinions at a distance.  I believe their more secretive and reserved than a Waif.  I think their harder to detect BPD in than a Waif too bc of not being as emotional with the crying and clinging.

To me it seems like they both love to text especially if you're fighting or their pushing you away!  They both have all the other BPD traits but mine never did the suicide stuff.  My Waif would pick pimples until they bleed and would love to pop zits if I had one on my back or a skin tag.  It was weird how much she loved it.  She would have a tiny pimple and make it a mess!

[Applehead]

Both my Waif and Hermit had major problems sleeping at night. 

[refuge]

oh the texting ,god thats true. they will text you to DEATH. I can't imagine what would happen if they had to go 1 day without iphone.

[forgetthepast]

Mine would do the pimple thing too.  She used to pay her son $5 if he would let her pop one.  Talk about crazy!  She also used to bite her fingernails and cuticles down all the way until her fingers would bleed and then comment on how ugly her nails were.  She would bite at her nails like a squirrel chewing away at an acorn.  Never saw anything like that before.   

[HowPredictable]

I participated in a recent thread on these Boards about the Male Waif, which had lists of traits (including the sleep disturbance and especially fingernail-biting, which oddly enough seems very prevalent).   Some of the characteristics of Waifs and Hermits seem to overlap, so you'll find a good discussion there.  

However, while BPD Hermits seem somewhat similar to Waifs (unreliable, helpless-seeming, sexually proficient, moody, etc etc), they tend to be fearful loners, with a very small number (literally only 1 or 2) people with whom they have interpersonal connections, including family.   Often they have no friends whatsoever.  

They will keep you at a distance in terms of incorporating you in to their family life, and are very secretive.  Except perhaps during the mirroring stage (when they take their cues from your level of sociability) they often prefer to stay home rather than go out amongst people.   To communicate, they like to text (first) and phone (second) in preference to meeting face-to-face.  They deal with anxiety by nail-biting, and often have stomach problems, other vague ailments, and sleep difficulties.

However, if you let them, they will inevitably do all the same crap to you:  the sudden mood changes, the push-pull, etc.   So,  they are still the type to be avoided!

[Beenreplaced]

HowPredictable,

I think my ex was a HF Waif. He definitely was very secretive, kept things from me especially his mood swings.  I would call him and he would sound like he was going crazy and would be all breathless and then say I will call you later.  That was it.  I think he has emotional meltdowns on a regular basis but since I did not see him on week days (I have kids at home) and only saw him on the weekend he was able to hide them from me.  Later in the relationship he never wanted to go anywhere.  How much TV can you watch on the weekend?  He kept me away from him family (I think his mother has BPD).  He loved, loved to text.  A whole day would go by and he would only text no phone conversation.  I think those were the days he had mood swings.  He too had sleeping problems.  Sometimes he could sleep until 10:00 or 11:00 and other times not at all.  Now he is with my replacement and I think, like you said, he is mirroring her social activities.  I have heard he is all over the place with her.  So you got their number that is for sure.

[HowPredictable]

So you got their number that is for sure.

Beenreplaced -- I think you and I dated the same guy!  

I think these types of BPDs are a little harder to spot.  I have kids at home too, so our so-called "relationship" was stretched out to weekends and alternating weeks, and so by necessity it was very limited in terms of time spent together.   So it was easy for him to hide his mood swings (like yours, I suspect he had them all the time).  The distance was built-in too, because I didn't want to introduce him to my kids unless/until things got serious (which of course they never did) and we had a real future (which we obviously didn't).   But at the time, it looked kinda normal, under the circumstances.

What I have learned for the regrettable experience, is that these types are drawn to people like me PRECISELY for the fact that we are unavailable (in terms of spending time together) and emotionally unavailable too (at least speaking for myself here).   It worked for him... .and obviously on some unacknowledged level it must have worked for me, too.   

Spending some time to untangle that aspect of my own psyche... .

[Gowest]

My ex was a Hermit, but there isn't much information about this type so I don't really know what that means. I just know that he was one.

They deal with anxiety by nail-biting, and often have stomach problems, other vague ailments, and sleep difficulties.

Yes... .

What I have learned for the regrettable experience, is that these types are drawn to people like me PRECISELY for the fact that we are unavailable (in terms of spending time together) and emotionally unavailable too (at least speaking for myself here).   It worked for him... .and obviously on some unacknowledged level it must have worked for me, too.  

Yesssssss... .

That's interesting about the hidden mood swings. I honestly never thought of him as particularly volatile. Moody yes, but his moods didn't change that often. He'd be grouchy for weeks at least around me. I suppose he must have been different around other people.

Anyone else's Hermit into conspiracy theories, Illuminati, reptoids, Ron Paul, and other assorted counter-culture nonsense? He was really into this series of books, I can't remember the name now but it was supposed to be about "great" people who, even at the time, I thought were actually all just crazy and weird. He was also really into Apple because Micro$$$$oft, though that's not really a counter-culture stance any more. He'd pick labels off jars because he didn't like advertisements in the house.

[HowPredictable]

Another Post-er brought this to my attention privately; it's a post from a very well-respected and prolific writer on these Boards named "2010".  It's from a few years ago (August of 2010) and appeared here in the ":)etaching" Boards:

"Welcome to the Board. I'm going to give you my two cents- but please understand that everything I write is based on my own perception. Yours may be different.

Paranoia and Borderline personality disorder combine into Hermit Borderline. Hermit's are usually second generation (or more) because of Witch Mothers. Witch Mothers are abusive, erratic, dramatic and generally out of control. Because of this, her child becomes traumatized. As the child grows into an adult, there is no safety and security except in hiding, so the frequent bouts of post trauma stress have created a barrier at developing the self and getting on and out in the World. Eventually, the young adult turns into a Hermit and rarely feels comfort at mingling with the rest of Humanity. Instead, it's Paranoia he feels.

Hermits will want to feel walled-in and safe from predators (which he believes his Mother is.) According to Christine Lawson, "they retreat into the blackness that threatens to consume them." Hermits are terrified of not having control- and suicide is the ultimate form of control to them. They feel robbed and violated as children- and live in fear of domination as well as desertion.

"The Hermit is a perfectionist, a worrier, and like most Borderlines, an insomniac. Their anxieties can keep them awake at night" (Lawson pg.80) IMO, this is generally the basis for the incorrect diagnosis of Bi-polar.

Gerald Adler (1985) explains that borderlines constantly seek out others to provide a sense of self, to "keep separation anxiety in check and to avoid annihilation panic."  Hermits want to be left alone, not abandoned, just not bothered. Their inner experience is persecution. Hermits expect to lose what they need; consequently, they are possessive and controlling. They can also punish those they loved by shutting them out. When angry, they confront family members with a stony wall of silence. They are also intensely jealous and can accuse their spouses of infidelity despite having no evidence to support their beliefs. They may also be superstitious and overreact to pain and illness.

The worst trait of a Hermit is to evoke guilt and anxiety in others. This is used to control and project anxiety.  Hermits will become their own worst enemies and the greatest threat to their *own* survival. They may grow weary of feeling constantly threatened and decide that dying, paradoxically, is their ultimate act of protection against the dangers of living.

What to do?

1) Reevaluate rather than react to the Hermit's fear. Anxiety is contagious while living with a fearful, paranoid Hermit. You must learn to rely on your own perception, intuition and judgment.

2) He can't give you something that he doesn't have- namely peace of mind.  A Hermit cannot provide you with emotional support. The Hermit will catastrophize insignificant events and make mountains out of molehills. Do not let him undermine your self confidence.

3) Panic prevents a Hermit from thinking clearly. This is a subset of PTSD and has nothing to do with you. Believe in yourself and your basic goodness.

4) Expect rejection to follow closeness. Warm interactions are often followed by paranoid accusations. Protect yourself by keeping the interactions brief and by ending conversations following positive interactions.

5) Calmly maintain your perspective.

6) Being alone is his choice, not yours.

7) Respond to paranoia with reason, not ridicule. Do not tease or exacerbate the fear.

8) Point out the consequences of irrational fear but do not minimize or ridicule. Point out the consequences of actualized fear instead.  Why are you anxious? What is the problem? How can I solve the problem? Answering these three simple questions can keep a Hermit calm.

9) Set limits to preserve your own sanity. Step 1: Confirm your separateness with "I" statements rather than "you"

Step 2: Create structure: "I will"

Step 3: Clarify consequences: "I won't"

You cannot sacrifice your life, your sanity and your health to protect a Hermit. Because the Hermit fears living, the only choice is to leave him alone."

[Gowest]

This thread has been pretty incredible. I really did have a lot in common with my ex. A lot of the Hermit descriptions did apply to me at one time, or still do. Witch mother, shutting out the world, intense anxiety, general fear of life. First two are still true to a point, I've recovered from the last two after years of work.

And the differences: invoking anxiety in others, paranoia, projecting, controlling through guilt. That's never been me.

[Applehead]

Hermits are envious and hate competition.  My Waif and Hermit took forever to make decisions too.  I believe they both liked me to make decisions for dinner etc. and they would prefer to follow.  It seems to me Hermits like to mull things over instead of being spontaneous.  I could see my Hermits mood change a few times over the course of a date and sometimes I would get a great passionate good night kiss and other times it would be a peck.  Im my opinion not very affectionate most of the time and don't like their space violated.

[Heronblue]

I listened to a session a few weeks about about NPD, which many with BPD also have.  With certain kinds of NPD/BPD, they become increasingly isolated as they get older.  They have increased difficulty getting along with anyone because no one every measures up. They isolate themselves to keep themselves safe and because so many other people annoy them, but unfortunately end up alone.  My exbf has all this and the signs of it.  It's very sad.

He is not a waif - he is the raging type when things go wrong and can be very controlling.  He's tried living with many girlfriends but has hit the point where he knows he always wants to live on his own.

[Beenreplaced]

HowPredictable,

Wow your post is eye-opening.  I always thought that my ex was paranoid about things so your post makes complete sense to me.  He would accuse me of doing things that I simply did not do.  I do believe his mother is a Witch.  My ex also was very secretive and I noticed his condo was always dark.  It used to drive me crazy.  Now to give him the benefit of the doubt he had a ground floor condo and not a lot of windows but all of the places he lived in when I was seeing him (he lived in 3 places) they were always dark.  I would come over and try to open the curtains.  I don't know how anyone could live in darkness all the time.  In the end he did punish me by shutting me out.  I would not give into one of his stupid control issues demands and threfore I was gone.  6 years and I was gone.  It is my punishment for not giving him what he wanted.

[Applehead]

Mine was def a Hermit and had some good friends but really cherished her alone time too.  Whats weird is that she would never lock her door ever!  She has 2 daughters 17 and 18 and they would be in and out all the time but I would get on her in a nice way to lock the door bc of home invasions.  We would go to dinner and she would not lock the door with no one home.  I don't even know if she locked it at night bc I never slept at her old pad only her new one when she moved in with a roommate.  It's strange how they have so many symptoms of being a Hermit but the don't lock the door.  I'm 6'1" 224 lb. thats lifted his whole life and was a linebacker for a elite SEC school and I always lock the door behind me day or night at my house and I live in a great crime free burb of Atlanta.

[KE151]

Mine would do the pimple thing too.  She used to pay her son $5 if he would let her pop one.  Talk about crazy!  She also used to bite her fingernails and cuticles down all the way until her fingers would bleed and then comment on how ugly her nails were.  She would bite at her nails like a squirrel chewing away at an acorn.  Never saw anything like that before.  

Pimple thing - check (both herself and on me... .weird)

Nail biting - check

Bad sleeper - check

Marathon texts - check

Stomach aches - check

[Reecer1588]

I participated in a recent thread on these Boards about the Male Waif, which had lists of traits (including the sleep disturbance and especially fingernail-biting, which oddly enough seems very prevalent).   Some of the characteristics of Waifs and Hermits seem to overlap, so you'll find a good discussion there.  

However, while BPD Hermits seem somewhat similar to Waifs (unreliable, helpless-seeming, sexually proficient, moody, etc etc), they tend to be fearful loners, with a very small number (literally only 1 or 2) people with whom they have interpersonal connections, including family.   Often they have no friends whatsoever.  

They will keep you at a distance in terms of incorporating you in to their family life, and are very secretive.  Except perhaps during the mirroring stage (when they take their cues from your level of sociability) they often prefer to stay home rather than go out amongst people.   To communicate, they like to text (first) and phone (second) in preference to meeting face-to-face.  They deal with anxiety by nail-biting, and often have stomach problems, other vague ailments, and sleep difficulties.

However, if you let them, they will inevitably do all the same crap to you:  the sudden mood changes, the push-pull, etc.   So,  they are still the type to be avoided!

So I wanted to chime in on this because I think my uBPDexgf, 19 years old, is a hermit.

During our relationship... .incessant text messaging.

Towards the end of our relationship in the turmoil phase, would read some of my texts at like 3:30 am or 6 am for no reason. Clearly wasn't sleeping well.

During the turmoil, she would complain of random bouts of nausea and other stomach ailments for no reason.

And she got spooked very easily, would literally jump into the air if I just casually walked up behind her.

She watches God knows how much netflix. We watched it together in our relationship, and I know now even after she painted me black, she still watched untold amounts of netflix.


Totally obsessed with horses. Always has been. I mean she's got hundreds of these little horse figurines and everything. Her online main passion in life I guess is really just horses. I mean I think that's telling.

She prefers to live with her Mom after her parents got divorced, but guys I promise you the Mom is a classic 'witch'.

She goes to a very, very socially orientated college. I want to go there (not because of her obviously) next year. Yet her social outings might just be... .going to eat with some of her 'friends' to olive garden. Maybe she goes to a big ministry service. No nightlife, no partying, nothing like that whatsoever.


Y'all think I identified a BPD-hermit?

[Doveh]

Go west, children raised by borderline witch mothers and altruistic communal narcs who were repeatedly abused emotionally physically and sometimes sexually throughout their childhood know firsthand that there are people out there who are deeply selfish,power hungry, manipulative and cruel while charming the pants off others in the public eye. Understand that they lived that reality for years where they were isolated because the outside world didn't see the parent for who they were and still are. The truth is that the wolf in sheep's clothing exists in every class and culture. How many of us have witnessed a cluster of narcs in a family unit, workplace or an organization? So why is it crazy to even consider the possibility that powerful men and women would work towards a particular outcome that serves themselves? That powerful interests would operate outside the law? What has happened in history time and time again? Adopting the mindset that all people in positions of power are evil is black and white thinking but so is believing that all powerful men and women are clean, wholesome and play by the rules. By denying the possibility that a group of people would get together to work against someone or a group of people to gain control is naive. Abusers love people who adopt this mindset and who fall for their superficial charm.It enables them and isolates and marginalizes the people who know what they are capable of. What do narcissists do when you see through them? They call you crazy to silence and take away your credibility.