Anyone ever panic/feel hopeless over it taking so long to heal?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I sometimes get a really awful feeling that this is just Never Going to Really End. As in, I will never be over this, completely. Or even mostly over it. It's been Forever.... .over a year broken up (and the relationship only lasted a year!), more than 8 months NC (with two accidental bump ins a month ago) and I still feel awful, and sometimes much worse. Sometimes I feel a bit hopeless, which is not a good feeling, because it seems that my relx with her ripped into me at such a deep deep level, and opened things so ancient and buried in my psyche, that 'recovering' from this is going to take something equally as dramatic/supernatural.  Time doesn't seem to be cutting it very well. And all the normal stuff like keeping busy, therapy, finding drugs that work, doesn't do much of anything, at least not on some days.

Maybe I need an exorcist? 

What do they do to our souls? I feel I've been bewitched and I'll never be the same again... .scary thought... .? ?

[Slowlybutsurely]

I sometimes get a really awful feeling that this is just Never Going to Really End. As in, I will never be over this, completely. Or even mostly over it. It's been Forever.... .over a year broken up (and the relationship only lasted a year!), more than 8 months NC (with two accidental bump ins a month ago) and I still feel awful, and sometimes much worse. Sometimes I feel a bit hopeless, which is not a good feeling, because it seems that my relx with her ripped into me at such a deep deep level, and opened things so ancient and buried in my psyche, that 'recovering' from this is going to take something equally as dramatic/supernatural.  Time doesn't seem to be cutting it very well. And all the normal stuff like keeping busy, therapy, finding drugs that work, doesn't do much of anything, at least not on some days.

Maybe I need an exorcist? 

What do they do to our souls? I feel I've been bewitched and I'll never be the same again... .scary thought... .? ?

[bonnie]

i feel exactly the same after 6months breakup and 6yr relationship.im stuck in the one spot and cannot move,i too feel like im never going to escape the pain.life sucks

[Whatwasthat]

I've certainly spent quite a lot of time despairing about my own inability to move forward more quickly... .I am edging along but frankly it's like watching paint dry and nowhere near as much fun!

Having said that I think beating ourselves up for not being 'over it already' won't help. It's got to be partly about finding the right stuff that helps - and for me that is a combination of physical practises like yoga etc aswell as therapy and self analysis and finding new things I want to do- and being more patient with myself than I've ever been before!

I like the idea of a relationship exorcist - they'd become rich over night if they could make it work! However - seriously - there are methods both physical and mental to clear 'bad energy' dumped by other people out of our systems... .and actually I don't think it's that esoteric an idea. It's just that that process might be achieved by hiking in nature for some people,  by gardening for others  or going to an 'energy healer' for someone else. I take recommendations from friends - and of course from this board - as to what to try.

[patientandclear]

Just -- yes, SBS.  I feel completely the same.

I was talking today at work with a colleague about how another co-worker really dropped a lot of balls when his wife got sick & he himself had health problems -- whether it was excusable.  My colleague commented that he himself had had a really rough year like that a few years ago (very sick baby) and that he had handled his work obligations responsibly nonetheless.  All of a sudden I said "me too!" because indeed, for a period for four years from 2004-2008, I lived through utter hell.  My mom died, I had a baby, there was physical violence in my marriage and that broke up, we had a high-conflict divorce, I was trying to protect a little kid from all of that, all the while working a very demanding job.  And I did it -- with little difficulty.  Nothing compared to this past year, recovering from this relationship.

I've felt I've been functioning at about 20% of my normal capacity ever since the breakup.  The mental and physical pain is constant and almost inescapable.  Nothing really works.  Talking and "talking" to people who understand, including here, provides temporary relief, but that's about it.

It's so funny -- before I read your post I was thinking about exorcism tonight & how it feels like something like that is needed!

I am exploring treatments for trauma, because I am pretty sure that is why this does not respond to typical healing techniques.

At least you truly aren't alone.  Really.  I take some comfort in the likelihood that this is the hardest thing I will have to get through in my life.  This is it!  It's all smooth sailing after this.

[suz124w]

YES!

This morning!

[bb12]

Hey SBS

Yes - some of my posts today were along the same vein as yours

I do think the secret lies in what some of the others have said... .about making new memories away from them; increasing exercise and the endorphins associated with that. But also the line about it being like a trauma. Some Post Traumatic Stress treatments include CBT... .cognitive behaviour therapy. With my T I am practising keeping a thought diary. When you feel cr.ap... .find the thought behind the feeling and then challenge that thought with three real examples.

e.g. 1. I am unloveable... .(counter:) no I'm not, I have had long and successful r/s before... .plus two more examples

2. I did something wrong... .(countre)no I didn't: I reacted appropriately at that moment and with the information I had... .plus two more examples

The exercise attacks that niggling part of the brain that does negative distortions.

More than anything, love yourself sick. Just say nice stuff to yourself from the moment you wake up. Let the little voice inside your head be full of praise and positive reinforcement

Take the focus off them and squarely onto you... .and how lovely you are! How much you've grown from this (something they can't do) and how much stronger you will emerge from this.

You will be BPD-proof when this is all done



BB12

[oceanblue]

Healing has taken a long time for me.  I started therapy while I was still in the relationship.  I had hit rock bottom.  My BPDbf was cruel and abusive.  I was clinically depressed for the first time in my life.

Through therapy I learned about self-care.  I ended the relationship.  I made other plans to move on with my life in a way I wanted to.  It's been incredibly hard particularly while battling depression too.  I think it is harder for some of us  also because we had some deep wounds to begin with.  If you dealt with trauma, emotional and physical abuse, I believe that also adds to healing time.

I've been in therapy for a year and a half.  I've learned about self-care and taken on new hobbies and friends.  I practice mediation which I find really helpful in calming my mind and centering myself.  In some ways, the BPD relationship was transformative for me.  I am a much different, wiser person than I was before the relationship.  In some ways, I am also sadder.  I realize that one reason I was ripe for a BPD relationship is that my family was pretty horrible with traits of BPD and NPD in both parents.  For the first time in my life, I really miss having the kind of family many others are blessed with.

It does get better.  Therapy has been huge for me and I am grateful for a wonderful therapist.   You also have to put some work in to heal yourself and find a new course.  My reformed life post-BPD relationship is really better and I am happy most days.

[Grace58]

Yes, I feel like that on a daily basis.  It was an 8 year relationship, we have been very LC since the break up 8 months ago.  She has been through two replacements and has settled in with a replacement and they apparently have it all -- love, a new boat, a new house -- life is good.  Meanwhile I can't imagine going out with anyone, I have lots of suicidal thoughts ( but my basic vitality saves me), and my life sucks.  But here's what I do know -- never compare someone's outside to your inside.  In the case of my ex, she has no interior, all is emptiness.  No matter how good it seems, every day she opens her eyes to her own little hell and it will never change.  Me?  This time next year I will be in a much better and more healthy place because I have the capacity to change.  And so do you.  Hang in there.

[HostNoMore]

Take the focus off them and squarely onto you... .and how lovely you are! How much you've grown from this (something they can't do) and how much stronger you will emerge from this.

bb12 that was well said.  It's the same strategy I am following, and it works.  However, this is a very, very slow process as we all know.  There are good days and bad days for sure, but over time you will begin to care less and less.  The main thing is that we are all trying.

This is going to sound cold, but I consider what was done to me by myexBPDgf something that made her an enemy to me.  I do not hate her as I have forgiven her for what she did to me. I realize she is severely disturbed and have accepted it as it is.  However, my personal emotional survival is at stake here so I do whatever it takes to regain myself.

This is a tough process, no doubt, but each day will bring you closer to your total healing.  You've got to have faith in yourself and let this board, your therapist and time work its magic.

I think being involved with a BPD is akin to being a member of a cult.  Your brain is hijacked. Your heart is hijacked, and the borderline just moves on to the next host w/o a care. 

[tailspin]

Slowlybutsurely  Hi!

I remember thinking "I'm never going to get over this" and I really believed I wouldn't... .but I did.  There's nothing supernatural or magic in the healing process and I don't think it will take something equally dramatic to bust you out of the cycle you are in.  But it is dirty work and there isn't a timetable to heal.  

Everyone has a breakthrough moment of clarity when all the cobwebs are swept away in our brains and we see the light.  I was stuck for months feeling sorry for myself and it was only when I decided not to be a victim *of BPD* anymore that I was able to take a tiny step forward.  

I believe we were in these relationships for a reason; we are exactly where we need to be right now for a reason.  It's too bad we couldn't have learned this lesson another way... .but this is the path we chose.  We chose this relationship and we must learn the lesson before we can move on.

I had to learn to respect myself again and once I began on this path, each step became easier.  

What do you need to learn?

Peace to you in your journey,

tailspin

[Slowlybutsurely]

Thank you for your awesome comments.     

If I became self-employed as a relationship-exorcist, could I count on you all for support? 

Okay, so. Here we are. It is certainly very comforting to know that we are in this together. Not that I'm glad that you all feel bad, but that something about these relationships has precisely the affect we all describe, and that theoretically it does get better.

Tailspin asked what I needed to learn from this? What did we all 'need' to learn from being with people from BPD, and then staying once it got super crazy.  And then, perhaps for some of us, being recycled over and over.

I know that she tapped into very deep stuff, and I realize more and more that it has to do with my FOO in many ways. It's all pretty deep stuff. I wonder sometimes what I would have been like had not experienced all this? Would all the deep stuff have stayed buried and kept happily in its place, or would it have continued to plague me regardless? One thing is for sure, and that is that recovering from this relx is calling on me to fight with all my might to find my Self, and to deal with everything in me that is not as it should be. I've been happy 'enough' for much of my life, but with always something in me that didn't make me feel quite whole, or truly content. That is in part what drew me to the ex, for so many reasons, I'm sure (no healthy person would have been in a relx with my ex, I promise you that).  Now, in the wake of that, I have to deal with all this stuff in myself, finally. There doesn't seem to be a choice. In the past, I could ignore it, but not anymore.

So, I suppose I will look on the bright side. That this relx forced me to come to terms with things that are wise to come to terms with, if life is about becoming more enlightened and aware of one's self. Maybe in the next life I'll be an amazing sage or something? In the meantime, my services as relx-exorcist will be soon available at a discount price.   

[Dub 1]

Gosh thats a good thread,I have felt so upset & sad recently over the break up.Mine is 8 months finished & still nc from my xBPD/NPDw.I find it so hard to accept that she could move on so quickly.I feel totally stuck in negativity regarding my life & trying to move on.

I wish I could move away from my village & not be near were she lives down the road with my replacement.

I think I surely need an exorcist .

Blessings

[Rise]

I think we all have felt that hopelessness at some point. It's tough not to want the pain to end immediately. Maybe even impossible to not have that desire. And I wish more than anything I had some magical answer that would immediately make everyone here not feel it anymore. But unfortunately it's never that simple. I know it's been said on here by people much smarter than I, but what we are all going through really is the grieving process. We've lost something that was (for better or worse) very important to us. It's really not much different than when a loved one dies. I think it's easy to lose sight of that because the person we've "lost" is usually still walking around, living their lives, and in many cases still having some form of contact with us. But the process is the same. If your relationship ended because your ex died in a car accident, instead of a break-up, how would you feel in that case (Yeah I know, some of you would be dancing naked in the streets. Not the point.)? How long do you think it would take to get over that loss? Would you expect to be over that pain in a matter of weeks, or months?

My mother died a few days before I turned sixteen. I felt for years that the pain would never go away. Every day I would wake up and wish that I could just stop hurting. It never seemed to though. I was probably about twenty or twenty one by the time I realized things were getting better. It's because every day, it does get just a tiny, little bit easier. Not enough that you notice any sort of difference from the day before. Or even a week before. Maybe not even the month before. But it is getting better. Slowly you go from feeling the hurt every second you're awake, to a few times a day, to moments when something reminds you of the loss. Then, one day, you will wake up and realize you haven't thought about the pain in weeks. And then you'll feel terrible again because thinking that you haven't been hurting will remind you of the pain. But then you'll get over that, and it will hit you: I'm better.

And you are. You may not be 100% healed. But you're certainly on your way at that point. You certainly a lot closer than you were in the beginning. And maybe you'll never completely let go of everything. Lord knows more than a decade after I lost my mom, thinking back on the weeks before she died still causes me to tear up. And there are times I still miss her. But the loss is bearable. And it's not constant. I can see pictures of her, or talk about her, or think about things we did, without it hurting. It's just taken time.

I know, it's not exactly the same thing. Every loss is unique, because the circumstances of every relationship are different. By the same token, everyone works through the process in their own way, in their own time. And the truth is grief is a complex thing. Often we are mourning more than just a relationship. We are losing more than just a connection with a person. We are losing the hopes and dreams we had attached to that person. We are losing the emotions that relationship invoked in us. And sometimes we realize that the loss we are feeling is triggering other, deeper issues we have within ourselves. All these things make it a long twisting path. But while the details may be different, the process in general is the same.

I know I am guilty of being that "Just give it time" guy. Sometimes it make me feel bad saying it. Because I am as keenly aware of the fact when you are in pain right now, hearing that "eventually" it gets better is little consolation. I'm aware that when you've been feeling that pain for weeks, or months, or even years and it doesn't seem like you've made any progress, it's tough to believe someone when they tell you that it does get better. I also know that it's easy for me to say, because I've walked that road a few times in my life. But I'm not sure what else there is to say. I think there are tools, such as therapy, faith, or simply talking with others, that can keep us from getting stuck on the road towards healing, and can keep the journey from being any longer than it needs to be. But it doesn't make the road any shorter. Sometimes I think we have to try to not focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, because there are moments it seems so far away we think we will never get there. At those times all we can do is concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. We have to live from one day to the next. One second to the next. I promise, you will have that day in your future when you wake up, and can look back and see that you are closer to where you're going than where you started. And that's when you'll realize that you will get there. That's when that hopelessness disappears.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Wow, Rise, this is an INCREDIBLE post. Really.

Thank you.        

p.s. am I the only one on here who has a slight crush on some people here, people who I don't know at all, because they are so nice and insightful and get it?  ;p

[Maria Carolina]

Thank you Rise for your post, It gives me hope.

It

[nonhere]

What Rise wrote: fantastic!

Yep, I've felt that same panic/hopelessness - that it'll NEVER get better.

Something that hasn't helped me has been:

1) People around me expecting/wanting me to be over it (e.g. to be easy about being in the same room as her), and even cheering me along to "get over it".  Sometimes with the best intentions.  It's very hard to explain why this is not possible.

2) The BPDexgf's own political interventions in our mutual circles.  Of course the most convenient thing for her would be if I "forgot" all the pain I've been through, with no input required from her, and just became a handy friend she could deal with without any effort.  It's taken some determination to dig in, stick to what I know is true, and insist that this isn't possible.  Now, after a while of that, I wonder whether that effort in itself hasn't been harmful, whether I wouldn't be better off letting that go too.  This would be easier if we were further apart!

In short: other people around you's perceptions/expectations can be a double-edged sword.

[bb12]

I believe we were in these relationships for a reason; we are exactly where we need to be right now for a reason.  It's too bad we couldn't have learned this lesson another way... .but this is the path we chose.  We chose this relationship and we must learn the lesson before we can move on.

Very well put Tailspin

You are right. Whether this happened earlier, now or later, the lesson was going to happen at some stage.

Life would have been a lot less fulfilling if we didn't go through this pain, find the lightbulb moment, and grow from all of this.

By growth, I mean choosing better next time; loving ourselves; breaking old attachment patterns; addressing our own fundamental childhood damage

As much as I can still feel an enormous amount of pain because of what happened to me, I am nobody's victim and know I will come through it.

I am already grateful for many of the lessons. I just wish that the pain would abate with each degree of enlightenment.

Somehow for me there is a disconnect: I am learning so much, but the pain isn't going away as quickly as I'd hoped. I've suffered some fairly core damage through this I suspect, so the link between the lesson and the pain reducton is not what I thought it might be

I think the answer is as simple as letting go. Of all of it. The good, the bad, the hope, the disbelief, the shock. I think we hold on to bits of this and it stops us healing faster. Like the monkey who puts his hands in the jar to get the peanuts. When he grabs them and makes a fist, he can't get his hand out of the jar. And he is stuck. But if he let's them go, he can escape.

bb12

[mgl210]

I feel like I will forever be haunted by it. I thought my nightmares were gone, but they are getting worse and worse all the time ... I feel as if I am alone and have no way out of my head or that I will always feel this miserable. Yes, I know it hasn't been that long for me compared to others, but the feeling is worst than anything else I have ever been dealt with and I have had alot. Sometimes I just want to bash my head against the wall till it opens and spills over in blood, because maybe that will help ease the pain. Then there are times I just want to hide away in bed and never come out. I know I should see a therapist, but I don't trust them. I have had a personal bad experience with one, and then the issue of my conversation with my former's therapist... .

Exactly!

[tailspin]

I just wish that the pain would abate with each degree of enlightenment.

Somehow for me there is a disconnect: I am learning so much, but the pain isn't going away as quickly as I'd hoped.

bb,

You are so insightful and have helped me many times through your posts and observations.  I would like to share something with you that helped me a great deal. 

I was stuck in the pain cycle and it didn't matter what enlightenments I found or didn't find.  What did help me was to unmask my biggest fears about myself.  I confronted every fear and questioned their validity one at a time by separating the projections and subsequent accusations by my ex from the ones I really needed to deal with.  I did my homework on the fears that needed confronting and threw the rest of the garbage in the trash. 

While this didn't necessarily remove the pain completely, it did help me to take control of my life again... .to take responsibility for the work I need to do on myself... .and, as you have said, to let go of all the rest.

All the best,

tailspin

[bb12]

I was stuck in the pain cycle and it didn't matter what enlightenments I found or didn't find.  What did help me was to unmask my biggest fears about myself.  I confronted every fear and questioned their validity one at a time by separating the projections and subsequent accusations by my ex from the ones I really needed to deal with.  I did my homework on the fears that needed confronting and threw the rest of the garbage in the trash. 

yep - spot on. But for me, it's all too ethereal at times and I can't be specific enough in even naming my fears.

I need to name them before I can explore them in any detail.

Fear of being unloveable, worthless etc. are probably there, but not specific enough. I just feel there is something more there that I can't see, you know?

I am absolutely willing to confront it all. The time is right. But somehow nothing feels real enough or tangible enough. Tricky

Bb12

[maxen]

old thread, but pertinent just now.

i'm 7 months out from absolute trauma, and it was compounded afterwards by things she said. that is, i'm only 7 months out. the pain now is not what it was one or two months out, but that only means it's slightly less excruciating every single day. recently i spoke with a bloke who divorced years ago and he said that it would take 1 1/2 years before you can really deal with yourself. and from the experiences above it seems that it can take lots longer. i'm not looking forward to it.

what's sad though is that there seems to be little one can do to speed the process, that time heals but does so on its own schedule. there are ways to help maintain a healthy process of healing, but not to speed the healing. how i come out of it i can contribute to, but not when. i find myself quite upset about this.

[santa]

It's frustrating. I wish the time frame were shorter for putting this behind me. It's a lot better than having to deal with her forever though.

[Perfidy]

I don't believe anyone will ever "get over it". I do believe that everyone will get through it. Getting over it to me means circumventing, the same as going around. The only realistic way for me to think about healing from my disordered relationship is to go THROUGH the process, learning more about myself and what a healthy relationship looks like. According to the BPDexgf, the easiest way to get over a man is to get under another one. So... . Yuck!

[Notthesame64]

believe we were in these relationships for a reason; we are exactly where we need to be right now for a reason.

I absolutely agree.  I believe when I left him, the state, it felt like the right thing to do.  Everything fell in place.  I talked to a second therapist that help me adjust from life with him, to life without him. I got promoted after only 6 month being in my new life.  I met more people that I ever had when I was with him, and when I would walk in my own house there was no more tension, arguing, or crying.  I am here for a reason... to heal.  To get past my past.  There a pretty cool saying that some sit up.

IF YOUR PAST COMES CALLING,  DONT ANSWER... BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING NEW TO TELL YOU.

[myself]

I don't believe anyone will ever "get over it". I do believe that everyone will get through it.

This made me think of how trees have rings inside that show the growth they went through. I think people have those too. Some seasons are just better than others.

[delusionalxox]

You're not alone in feeling like this.

I have  not seen my BPD ex for four months now and he lives in another country. We were talking until Dec 29 when he cut me completely dead calling me mentally ill, a dangerous stalker etc (as you can guess, the story is very different to that... . )

The worst thing for me is the feeling that this pain is eternal, that it has tapped into my own wounds of abandonment, devaluation and loneliness from my gothically miserable, cold, rejecting and demanding FOO.

I am stuck in various loops, but I have had the odd moment of clarity. I know that what he did to me was wrong. I know rationally that I deserve better. I deserve better than this pain.

I know I'm not the awful, degraded, crazy person he told me I was. I have brought up two beautiful kids, how could a crazy total ___ up bhit do that?  

Someone up thread talked about looking after yourself. I'm trying to do that with variable success. Telling myself nice things. For instance, I have this neurotic hairpulling problem, I literally pull myself bald, it is gross! :'( Every time I do it now, I tell myself, 'I deserve to have beautiful hair'. Ex made me feel ugly and old. (I was older than him, and he cheated on me with younger women). When I feel myself devaluing myself eg when I look in the mirror I say 'you are nice looking and look good for your age and you have other qualities anyway, who cares about your looks'   I know that I am now the only person who can truly help me.

I feel myself hurting myself, eg when I start wanting to look at his facebook, call him to see if his number is still blocked, email him my hurt feelings etc. I try to soothe myself, give myself an internal hug. I say to myself 'I don't want to hurt myself any longer. I deserve to be comforted not hurt'.

It's all very basic and does not always work. But one thing he has taught me, is to at least try to forgive myself, give myself the love he and  my parents for whatever reason could not give me.

At the bottom of that I can sometimes find compassion for both him and them. They hurt me because they are ___ed up themselves. I have to break that cycle with my kids and others.

Believe me, I am not there yet, I feel angry and desperate and cold inside most days. You're not alone.

Big  . You deserve better than this. You know it.

[Pearl55]

Slowlybutsure!

Healing takes between 6 months to 2 years depends on the severity of the abuse.