The BPD need for quick/impulsive marriage/living together/commitment

[lessonslearned]

I have an insight that my gut tells me is spot on. I think that my ex, and perhaps many of the BPD ex's in our lives, wanted to GET a commitment while not PROVIDING one. Getting a commitment provides security for them - less of an abandonment threat because of the difficulties of divorce and the "try to make it work at all costs" attitude that's supposed to come with a marriage.

Secure in a marriage, the BPD can have the parent they dreamed of, the nurture, the home they never had, the security and all of the things THEY WANT, while continuing to go out and sleep with other people and do whatever they feel like without regard for THEIR responsibility to the commitment they made.

It's one sided. In my case, if I had married her she would have finally had the father and the sense of home she never had. She could then go out and find a mate, because you can't mate with your father. I would be relegated to fathering and unconditional love while she can be the child that can go out and "keep looking" and have affairs.

This fits her behavior in her previous marriage - he was a good guy. She had an affair and the guy ended it because he was freaked out that she was married - why wasn't SHE freaked out that she was cheating? It was an affair with actual feelings, not just sex - a severe betrayal. I would be consumed with guilt if I did that. She had no sense of her own commitment. She said her marriage was boring - blame. Like a sociopath. No guilt, No remorse. Able to come home and act the part to the man that actually loved her, her husband, that provided for her and took care of her. Of course when the affair dumped her she tried to go back to the H and he wouldn't.

[oceanblue]

This was very much the pattern of my relationship:

My BPDbf was in a rush to move in together. Then, in essence, I became the mommy.  I was supposed to pay all the bills, nurture him, love him and, basically,    pat him on the head when he did something around the house like mow the lawn. 

Of course, as you said, you can't have a real, adult, mutual relationship with a parent figure so he cheated on me constantly. 

The double standards were also amazing.  He would berate me that I didn't nurture him enough without ever self-reflecting that he was berating me all the time.

Anytime I tried to get him to act like an adult or had adult expectations of him - he would completely fall apart and either rage or run away and sulk.

To some degree, we all project our own values, fantasies, needs onto our intimate partner.  I certainly projected my own fantasies of a relationship onto my BPD partner which is why I stayed longer than I should have.  However, to answer your question, I think BPDs are very much are little children inside (for some their maturity level really is at 1-3 years old) and having a parent figure is a very soothing and powerful delusion for them.

[losingconfidence]

I think you really may be onto something. My exwBPD moved in pretty quickly, claiming that she wanted this soulmate exclusivity for the rest of eternity. It turned out that what she meant was "I want YOU to see ME as your soulmate, but I still get to do whatever I want." Funny thing was that my mother (who also has BPD tendencies) told me that she thought my girlfriend was looking for a new mommy rather than a girlfriend. It's very true and makes a lot of sense. When people with BPD get caught having affairs, they tend to react like they've done something "naughty" or like some authoritarian parent is setting unreasonable rules rather than like they've hurt someone they made a commitment to. There are always excuses for why you don't deserve that much commitment but it tends to come down to their own immaturity in my experience.

[SWLSR]

They are the ones who want the marriage, they are the ones who want the divorce.  And they are the ones who keep contact after the breakup. Its all about them.

[Butterfly78]

Yes, a fling my ex had many years ago while married, he said it was for 2 months and he had plans to move in with her. With me it was about a month. Now this new woman, it's been 3 months and he just moved in with her. He talks marriage almost immediately. I always said in our r/s it seemed everything was on his terms. He denied it to the point where I questioned maybe I was too being too pushy. Now I see I wasn't... .I was wanting to progress the way r/s should. When I was ready for marriage he started backing off. He was okay with off and on acting like we were in a r/s, but would not commit. He makes his own rules.

[abovebeyond]

This fits her behavior in her previous marriage - he was a good guy. She had an affair and the guy ended it because he was freaked out that she was married - why wasn't SHE freaked out that she was cheating? It was an affair with actual feelings, not just sex - a severe betrayal. I would be consumed with guilt if I did that. She had no sense of her own commitment. She said her marriage was boring - blame. Like a sociopath. No guilt, No remorse. Able to come home and act the part to the man that actually loved her, her husband, that provided for her and took care of her. Of course when the affair dumped her she tried to go back to the H and he wouldn't.

Bingo. gGood points. I had the same observations about my ex-BPD's second husband. Super good guy. Studying to be a doctor. Hooked up with my ex, (she'd already been married & divorced / w/1 kid), and soon got her pregnant. Parents encouraged them to get married - they're all real christian.  Boom, they get married. Have a kid. Now he's father to a new baby and her child from previous marriage. All goes well, I suppose, for a couple years, but she's so immature and idiotic, it takes a toll on Husband2, who can't keep up with med school, switches to another major, and even moves to another city to attend a wimpier college. She whines, complains, wants to go out, have her fun, and meanwhile starts chipping away at Husband2's self esteem. Ex: "I think I'd respect you more if you joined the military." Husband2 told me all of this. Dude's got brains, wth does he wanna join the military for? So ExBPD can screw around on him and not have to answer to anyone. Etc.

ExBPD eventually has an affair with some guy she meets through one of her trashy friends at bar---and eventually ends up leaving Husband#2 from The New Guy, giving up custody of not only their kid, but she gives up her previous child from Husband#1 to her parents. And then goes running off to live a fantasy life with New Guy - they move out of state.  Trot around the states.

Point is: she wanted the ulitmate devotion from Husband#2. He gave it to her. It wasn't enough.

So glad in SO MANY WAYs I avoided this scenario and only went through 5 yrs of ups and downs and massive waves of jumping through hoops of confusion.

These people are idiots.

Wait, I know, I know... ."they have a mental illness." Fine. They do. No argument. However, the twist is that these are people with an illness of which THEY ARE TOTALLY IN DENIAL OF. The majority, at least. It makes it hard to feel sorry for them sometimes when they don't even cop in the least bit to be actually sick with "something." No, it's all your fault. "It just isn't working out." There's always an excuse.

[maria1]

My udexbf wanted me to move to the town he lived in almost straight away despite my having 2 children with whom I share 50/50 custody. Now I think back over the 'friendship' he had with another woman. I asked him several times if he had slept with her, he always said no. This is where I get really freaked out. I just thought they were friends. The first night I met him he told me about a 'friend' who he was worried maybe wanted more from him. As time went on he would tell me about texts she sent him and every now and then she would declare her love for him, at which point I would advise him how to handle it. She was married. At one point her and her husband separated and they put their house on the market. My udexbf said she was mad, that she should sort things out with her husband.

There were a few times he had to 'deal with her', one time he emailed her husband to say he thought she was ill and delusional.

Eventually he told her about me, or so he told me, that he was 'in a relationship' and 'deeply in love' with me. She disappeared for a while then came back, stalking him practically, he said she had hacked into his emails and said to him 'how do you think I feel reading your emails when you are so obviously in love'.

Looking back now I realise he is BPD puts a whole different slant on this and it makes me realise I had a lucky escape and also puts me off ever breaking NC. I think he absolutely had a relationship with this woman, (he was married at the time, wife divorced him around same time) I replaced her and they both kept recycling into the relationship. The thing is I think she left her husband for him, was ready to move in with him when he left the family home and he derided her to me as being delusional about it.

He said his wife arrived with all her stuff one day just weeks after they met. He also talked about another significant relationship that lasted 3 years. He talked about this woman being mad and a drinker (he doesn't drink). He said he would spend half the week in her town, in her flat, and the other half running his record shop. He talked about the relationship ending and how she moved to be near him. He said that she moved into a flat and all her stuff got stolen.

He made these women follow him and he brought them to their knees. He wondered about looking the 'mad drunk' woman up. Then he said I think she is probably dead.

He pushes for commitment over and over again. And blames the woman. It's almost as if he tests people and when they pass by nearly dying he doesn't want them any more. I just feel lucky I had my children to 'protect' me from making any sort of commitment to him.

[myself]

These people are idiots.

Wait, I know, I know... ."they have a mental illness." Fine. They do. No argument. However, the twist is that these are people with an illness of which THEY ARE TOTALLY IN DENIAL OF. The majority, at least. It makes it hard to feel sorry for them sometimes when they don't even cop in the least bit to be actually sick with "something." No, it's all your fault. "It just isn't working out." There's always an excuse.

It's an illness that causes the one who has it to not be able to face ANYthing. It sounds like, inside, they're always on the run. No matter which way they turn, there's pain.

It's easy to forgive them for their illness, but as you say it's hard to reconcile that with what seem to be intentional bad behaviors, hurting others, and denying everything. Remember, they also go through FOG-like situations, perhaps constantly. But for them it's pretty much all 'F'. More would try, and succeed, to not have BPD if they actually could. We'd see different statistics and be having a different discussion.

I've had friends who were diagnosed schizophrenic, and they'd swear there was nothing wrong with them, either, that it was just The Man trying to keep tabs on them or something. Obvious acting out with this other mental illness, and no real culpability, either. Disordered. Unable to truly face themselves and grow from it.

I understand your frustration here, and it's a part of this that does seem most unfair.

It is called Borderline PD (I read it was once called Character Disorder). Maybe the 'line' is also what separates those who have it from those who don't. 

It's not always comfortable, this 'Us & Them' way of thinking. Sometimes that's what it is, though. I didn't like the either/or patterns of the relationship and find them awkward to deal with now. For example: Go NC, and get rid of us/them thinking to heal, but going NC is total us/them thinking. It comes down to who you are when you come out the other side. It's life-changing, no matter what, might as well make the best of it.

BPD itself F*ing sucks. Maybe there'll be a cure someday. I have a lot of sympathy for those who have it, and for those who have been hurt by it in any way.

[gettingoverit]

It's interesting that this post would come up. I remember how quickly my ex wanted me to move in with her because I was her soulmate don't you know and we were gonna be together forever. When I told her I wouldn't even consider it until we had been dating at least a year, at first she was upset but then when she realized I wasn't going to budge, she waited. She also started talking about getting married pretty early on in our relationship. Again something I would not have even considered unless we had been together a while (1-2yrs at least). I tend to agree with the idea of thinking that some how they think marriage will make them happy and have all their wishes come true as if marriage, a house and two kids is like a magic wand to true happiness (complete with angel wings and fairy dust... .come on Disney where are you when we need you). I am so glad I never married her... .thank god she never gave me the chance because I most likely would have (if she would have stopped breaking up with me every spring). Looking back now, my gut told me marrying her would be a VERY BAD IDEA! She had already proven to me numerous times that she could not sustain a committed relationship. She had not been able to do it with the fathers of her two children and she could not do it with me. The only stupid thing I did with her was buy a house which I am now stuck with. Such is life with a BPD person.

I do have to laugh though because my replacement got engaged to her two weeks after she left me and they hooked up.. My replacement moved in with her within 6 months of them being together (lets remember though that my replacement moved to another province shortly after they hooked up for work, thus they were having a long distance relationship) I guess my ex was able to mirror, and worship my ex-friend enough to get everything she could not get from me. If that does not spell dysfunction I don't know what does. My replacement has no idea what's coming... .oh and it's coming.

[emdily]

Wow-- so glad to see this is not just me. My ex and I dated for 8 months, and for the last 3 she was harping on me to finalize my divorce. Sorry, but that is something I am going to do on MY terms. My other ex (who I think is also BPD) and I have a son together, and no money. I don't want to jepordize my parenting arrangement, which is cordial, by being pushy with an expensive legal process. She was telling me we should be together forever 4 months into our dating. She was pushing to get to know my kid, and would leave gifts for him and make me promise to tell my son who gave him the gifts. She kept escalating the promises of how our lives would be together, throwing in lots of things she thought I wanted to hear.

We broke up when I had enough of her tantrums. Then we got back together for a month. We broke up again b/c I could not promise her it would work out. COME ON. I told her I needed to take things slow and that I didn't trust her. I was in no hurry to be in a new relationship, especially b/c a child is involved!

[nonhere]

I have an insight that my gut tells me is spot on. I think that my ex, and perhaps many of the BPD ex's in our lives, wanted to GET a commitment while not PROVIDING one. Getting a commitment provides security for them - less of an abandonment threat because of the difficulties of divorce and the "try to make it work at all costs" attitude that's supposed to come with a marriage.

Fantastic.  You took the thoughts right out of my head!

Mine, in the middle of enormous difficulties in our r/s, just before the end (or was it even AFTER she ended it?) asked me whether I'd live with her and have children with her.  I had to dig deep to come up with the answer - which was "not now, we've only been together for just over 1 year - but I'm open to it and would like it to happen as time goes on".  I was absolutely committed to that answer, and would have stuck to it - that's because I didn't say it lightly, but had to think hard.  I thought her asking the question was evidence that she was seriously thinking about whether she wanted to go to that stage with me.

But sure enough, a few days later, that commitment I'd made was thrown aside, because she didn't need it any more.  She'd decided "that's not what I want".  I don't believe she ever did "want it", as seriously as I was forced to consider it.  She simply needed to see me think deeply and come up with this commitment, as some kind of token to make herself feel momentarily more secure.

I was sickened that she could ASK for such commitment, but not PROVIDE any herself.  Exactly as you said it lessonslearned.

I was lucky, as it happens.  If it had happened, the relationship would have been as you go on to describe: me being the father/provider of safety, while she's free to go out and look for "something better".  A very good description of what my gut was telling me would be the outcome - but which I've never managed to articulate as clearly as you have.

Funnily (but it's not funny) enough... .that is EXACTLY what she's doing to her new bf/fiance! 

[LoveNYC]

We were together less than 6 months when he asked me to move in with him.

My lease would be up around the one year together mark, so I told him that we could consider it then. He seemed offended by my unwillingness to walk out on my lease and my roommates.

Later it had come up, and I mentioned that I wouldn't want to live with a partner again unless I was engaged. I had lived with a boyfriend before, and it was too hard to get out when I needed to (he had become emotionally abusive). As we had discussed engagement loosely, I didn't think this would be an issue.

Looking back, I can see this must have put him on high-alert panic as 1.) I had a boundary, 2) I wasn't leaping to move into his fancy apartment, 3.) I wasn't willing to screw over my friends (roomates) and bail on my lease and 4) I had expressed an ability to leave a relationship that was unfair to me in the past.

[LoveNYC]

I think they WANT us trapped. The sex, the need to be together 24/7... .it's all bait. Like the witch's candy house in Hansel and Gretyl. It's like they know they can't sustain "normal" for long - it's like flexing a muscle, you can only hold it for so long.

And then what? Everyone here already knows.

Do you find that as scary as I do?

[myself]

I think they WANT us trapped. The sex, the need to be together 24/7... .it's all bait.

You're right, it can be like that. For some, that may be about all there is, just a game. It's also very often a genuine attempt at being close with someone, however frantically and by whatever means they try to do so. Sharing what they have which is themselves. That's why it's so intense at first. It's the extreme giving of themselves, of opening up as best they can. Since it's hard for them to be so close with anyone, this may be the hardest part they go through. A real balancing act. Since this is the part of the relationship that takes the most effort, it's also the one that is the shortest. Anger, distance, etc. are far easier with BPD than personal accountability. It's about the negative release. There's too much pain in there, and more keeps rushing in.

BPD is like a maze of dead ends and fear. Once we're in there with them, they hang onto us in the best way they know how: Trying to control the entire situation. All they can see is their own perspective. Looking for an exit from hurting. They're hoping on one hand that WE will be able to find our way, that they'll get to come along for that and be 'free', too. On the other hand, they already know there's no way out for them, so they keep us and their other 'partners' in limbo, distracted, hung up, bewildered, so they won't ever feel completely alone. Never really attaching, never really detaching.

Is it the same as when a venus fly trap shares it's nectar, with the intent to catch another meal? Some times. Even though some of this is done on purpose, they really can't help it? It just goes around and around. Glad we're getting out of the maze! 

[Herodias]

I agree... .mine lied to me that he was infertile and I believed him like an idiot! I got pregnant and then he said we had to get married right away so i could get on his insurance. Then we lost the baby, which is good now that I see how things developed. He has some idea that everything is all about money with me. He kept threatening divorce and he would take away my "benefits" that he had at work for me. He is still using that while we are separated. At this time we will divorce in Jan. and I will lose health insurance. He actually agreed to pay me alimony for life! I wonder if that is some kind of hook as well... .maybe he thought we weren't going to actually get divorced. I have no idea what goes on in those minds of theirs! He has to keep an life insurance policy  as well, to pay the alimony if something happens to him. He keeps telling me he is afraid he is going to jail on a narcotics charge and he will lose his job then. He is always fearful of the worst. It could happen though. He has his money put into the joint account so I will be able to get it if that happens. At one point he told me he was going to move out of state because he couldn't take the distance between us... .He is the one with the gf! It's maddening!

[FannyB]

It's interesting that this post would come up. I remember how quickly my ex wanted me to move in with her because I was her soulmate don't you know and we were gonna be together forever. When I told her I wouldn't even consider it until we had been dating at least a year, at first she was upset but then when she realized I wasn't going to budge, she waited. She also started talking about getting married pretty early on in our relationship. Again something I would not have even considered unless we had been together a while (1-2yrs at least). I tend to agree with the idea of thinking that some how they think marriage will make them happy and have all their wishes come true as if marriage, a house and two kids is like a magic wand to true happiness (complete with angel wings and fairy dust... .come on Disney where are you when we need you).

This is almost a reply of what transpired with me. Also gives me a better idea of why she married her ex (house, status, kids, money) and why nobody has been able to take her that far since. 

Thanks Kimnsasha for resuscitating a great thread for a new audience!

[rotiroti]

I think they WANT us trapped. The sex, the need to be together 24/7... .it's all bait.

You're right, it can be like that. For some, that may be about all there is, just a game. It's also very often a genuine attempt at being close with someone, however frantically and by whatever means they try to do so. Sharing what they have which is themselves. That's why it's so intense at first. It's the extreme giving of themselves, of opening up as best they can. Since it's hard for them to be so close with anyone, this may be the hardest part they go through. A real balancing act. Since this is the part of the relationship that takes the most effort, it's also the one that is the shortest. Anger, distance, etc. are far easier with BPD than personal accountability. It's about the negative release. There's too much pain in there, and more keeps rushing in.

BPD is like a maze of dead ends and fear. Once we're in there with them, they hang onto us in the best way they know how: Trying to control the entire situation. All they can see is their own perspective. Looking for an exit from hurting. They're hoping on one hand that WE will be able to find our way, that they'll get to come along for that and be 'free', too. On the other hand, they already know there's no way out for them, so they keep us and their other 'partners' in limbo, distracted, hung up, bewildered, so they won't ever feel completely alone. Never really attaching, never really detaching.

Is it the same as when a venus fly trap shares it's nectar, with the intent to catch another meal? Some times. Even though some of this is done on purpose, they really can't help it? It just goes around and around. Glad we're getting out of the maze!  

I wish I had this amount of insight on my partner. Thank you for the powerful post!

My uBPDex actually gave the ring back to me after we had a discussion about taking things slower. Man that was painful! In the long run, I know that was the best decision for both of us.

[cosmonaut]

I think they WANT us trapped. The sex, the need to be together 24/7... .it's all bait. Like the witch's candy house in Hansel and Gretyl. It's like they know they can't sustain "normal" for long - it's like flexing a muscle, you can only hold it for so long.

I'm not sure this is exactly correct.  It discounts the role that we played in the relationship.  pwBPD don't entrap, they mirror.  They offer themselves up to us.  Far from being in the dominant position, they make themselves so submissive that they mirror us.  They are willing to shape themselves to whatever they perceive we most want.  They give themselves to us sexually, even as they can often feel deeply ashamed for it.  They also idealize us.  They adore us.  We are their champion, their hero, their savior.  We are all their dreams come true.  These are survival strategies for a pwBPD.  This is not about control.  If anything, they are offering up themselves to be controlled (which they will then bitterly resent us for).  You are absolutely correct that pwBPD want attachment in return, but to say that we are entrapped is to seriously shirk our own role.

We are the ones that eagerly participated in this relationship.  Why was that?  Why did we respond so powerfully to the mirroring and idealization?  Why were we so eager to be in the dominant, one up position?  What might this have been providing us?  What might have our partner been soothing inside of us, just as we soothed them?  These are extremely important questions to be asking ourselves.   

[NonBPDEx]

We are the ones that eagerly participated in this relationship.  Why was that?  Why did we respond so powerfully to the mirroring and idealization?  Why were we so eager to be in the dominant, one up position?  What might this have been providing us?  What might have our partner been soothing inside or us, just as we soothed them?  These are extremely important questions to be asking ourselves.  

Yes, I agree. At least I new, even with all the  that I saw, that I willingly participated in the relationship. I thought I could handle it, and not get drawn in.

Why did I respond to the mirroring and idealization- ego perhaps? More so a desire to love, and be loved. To feel needed, validated, and worthwhile.

And to be in the dominant, one-up position? Yes, that is exactly how it started out. At the beginning I had all the power. Not for my need for control, but because for me, it is comforting to feel that someone will be there, and you can feel so secure because someone loves you so deeply. 

My partner soothed inside me my desire/need to be loved. To feel complete, and to feel whole and validated. She took away the loneliness. That is what she did for me. Unfortunately however it was eventually not enough for her.

[BorisAcusio]

I think they WANT us trapped. The sex, the need to be together 24/7... .it's all bait. Like the witch's candy house in Hansel and Gretyl. It's like they know they can't sustain "normal" for long - it's like flexing a muscle, you can only hold it for so long.

I'm not sure this is exactly correct.  It discounts the role that we played in the relationship.  pwBPD don't entrap, they mirror.  They offer themselves up to us.  Far from being in the dominant position, they make themselves so submissive that they mirror us.  They are willing to shape themselves to whatever they perceive we most want.  They give themselves to us sexually, even as they can often feel deeply ashamed for it.  They also idealize us.  They adore us.  We are their champion, their hero, their savior.  We are all their dreams come true.  These are survival strategies for a pwBPD.  This is not about control.  If anything, they are offering up themselves to be controlled (which they will then bitterly resent us for).  You are absolutely correct that pwBPD want attachment in return, but to say that we are entrapped is to seriously shirk our own role.

We are the ones that eagerly participated in this relationship.  Why was that?  Why did we respond so powerfully to the mirroring and idealization?  Why were we so eager to be in the dominant, one up position?  What might this have been providing us?  What might have our partner been soothing inside of us, just as we soothed them?  These are extremely important questions to be asking ourselves.   

[DyingLove]

wanted to GET a commitment while not PROVIDING one. Getting a commitment provides security for them - less of an abandonment threat because of the difficulties of divorce and the "try to make it work at all costs" attitude that's supposed to come with a marriage.

SLOW APPLAUSE.  This is astonishingly simple. Why didn't I think of it.  It's probably been said, but this is obviously in it's simplest terms.

So what would we do if our ex had told us that she or he wants us to commit but the heck with getting one back!

My ex wanted everything that she wanted, and ended it when it suited her.  How FREAKIN ACCURATE!  Thank you lessonslearned.

[Alabama1979]

yes, same old story here. pratically living together since month 2. Planning to move to Australia as of month 3, even having interviews. Oficial moving in date together at month 5. Wants a baby as of month 5. Engagement ring at 6 months anniversary because he wanted to tell our future kids that 6 months into the relationship he was 100% sure he wanted to marry their mother. Tells my parents. We didnt make it to month 7 because he suddendly got scared of me, blocked me everywhere and even changed the locks in his house because he told me he was terrified of me in some kind of paranoid way- because everything was my fault he said. At least he had the decency of seeing that he should go to a pdoc, because he is depressed at the very least, probably BPD or bipolar. Whatever.

Very brief contact since then. He cannot talk to me because he is not "ready", and he hopes I understand, but I'm wonderful and he hopes I can be happy blablabla. Very passive aggressive. I used to write to him "oh Im sorry I love you", and he responded I'm having a terrible time, am glad you feel better... .but I dont do it anymore. GOt sick of him playing victim. Something clicked in my head 10 days ago, also talking with a therapist I'm seeing because I am depressed myself because of all these events. However I'm not crazy, and anything is my fault, like he said. I have normal flaws and sometimes pick up fights if I'm very stressed, I did that with him but nothing to justify this big 180. He is very sick of whatever it is. So 10 days NC, blocked everywhere. I dont think I will ever talk to him again.

REALLY need to look into myself to see how I didnt see any red flag!

[SWLSR]

Reading the comments has such and eerie feeling to it.  It is as if some of the bloggers here were right there with me during my time with this girl.   Looking back all I can say is I spent alot of time tending to her needs at the expense of my own.  And she left anyway.  Like most of you I want nothing more to do with her but she keeps creeping back into my life.  I am not sure why she is doing this now but I have made clear to her she is not welcome.

[DyingLove]

As said, it is disturbing.

I remember though, my ex didn't exactly rush me to moving in with her in word. But maybe the fact that I was not able to jump had something to do with it.  She did say that we were getting together fast, but she also was anxious too for me to get there.  She always said that "we have the rest of our lives". She said that when it came to things related to us being together. Just what does this mean if anything?   It's that stuff that makes me question myself, but at the end, the last day I saw her, before she drove away, I said to her: "what about the fact that we were supposed to be together forever?" She said: "it didn't work out that way."  She was very cold at that stage. I'm actually able to recall that moment, and it makes me glad I'm away from her.  You just don't do that to someone... .sick or not.

[icesoul]

I have an insight that my gut tells me is spot on. I think that my ex, and perhaps many of the BPD ex's in our lives, wanted to GET a commitment while not PROVIDING one. Getting a commitment provides security for them - less of an abandonment threat because of the difficulties of divorce and the "try to make it work at all costs" attitude that's supposed to come with a marriage.

Secure in a marriage, the BPD can have the parent they dreamed of, the nurture, the home they never had, the security and all of the things THEY WANT, while continuing to go out and sleep with other people and do whatever they feel like without regard for THEIR responsibility to the commitment they made.

It's one sided. In my case, if I had married her she would have finally had the father and the sense of home she never had. She could then go out and find a mate, because you can't mate with your father. I would be relegated to fathering and unconditional love while she can be the child that can go out and "keep looking" and have affairs.

This fits her behavior in her previous marriage - he was a good guy. She had an affair and the guy ended it because he was freaked out that she was married - why wasn't SHE freaked out that she was cheating? It was an affair with actual feelings, not just sex - a severe betrayal. I would be consumed with guilt if I did that. She had no sense of her own commitment. She said her marriage was boring - blame. Like a sociopath. No guilt, No remorse. Able to come home and act the part to the man that actually loved her, her husband, that provided for her and took care of her. Of course when the affair dumped her she tried to go back to the H and he wouldn't.

i was the fool, who had 4 children with a woman who has BPD (undiagnosed) only cause i didnt know nothing about the illness till all these things happened

*false arrest (when threaten her with divorce)
*intentional self harm to frame me
*false domestic allegations
*smear campaign (told family im a thief when replacement has a theft charge)
*said im alcoholic, when she is posting pictures of herself/replacement drinking on FB ()
*replacement pot smoker
*said i wasnt an earner (replacement lived with her mom (mommas boy), till they started living together)

she put me in jail, and went straight to replacement which she probably didnt even know btw except social media. she claiming he is family with all of "MY" 4 kids, the guy is playing the same game. straight loser, has nothing to offer, no car, nothing.  

moved in with replacement in 2 months. now he is a god, and im get the trash treatment that i never existed. me, her family, my family, we all tried so hard to save 7 years of marriage, she just walked out like i never existed, im splitted like the black hole.

my soul was shattered, my heart broke, it was/is so hard to cope cause i didnt see it coming (infedility). im not built for all that cheating crap. but i did counter her well with her circular arguments, she couldnt control me...

these people are something. i saw her true self in my soon to be x wife. they are cold creatures, have no feelings, empathy, no sense of pain, she will do anything to hurt you without any remorse. she seem more than borderline, almost like a psychopath.

she is extremely revengeful and bitter against me, probably dont even know why.  her mom who i suspect is a witch borderline, says its all my fault cause i pushed her so far to CHEAT... What the heck?   even my X is now saying that she cheated cause its all my fault.

When she sent me to jail, i said why u do that? she said i should of thought about this. now im facing 2 cases misdemeanor, felony (no joke)... .luckily i recorded her sorry A$$ the 2nd time, she admits of trying to frame me, cutting her face, saying she will make me suffer to see my kids, list is endless. the woman is really crazy

for first 6 years, she was so submissive, so beautiful and so loving. not sure what happened. just cause of few arguments, this girl completely wanted to replace me which she did. they dont have no sense of loyalty, friendship...

she just posted this today for replacement

(the guy name) showed me the true meaning of love in my life I needed a person like you baby and now I thanks to GOD that he gave me a person for forever who's a true lover a best freind and my future husband and do alot of things for me thank you so much baby for everything you do for us.I love u alot muahhhhhhhhhhhh

she wants to marry him already, its been 5 minutes, our divorce havent even started (). she just gave my birth to my 4 child while living with this sicko having pregnant sex (sick)... .notice the narcissism talking, "do a lot of things for me"... only reason this fool baited out of her marriage, cause she is extremely gorgeous and hes butt ugly. but what good is looks when there is no loyalty, i guess i learned it the hard way too that looks isnt everything.

[roberto516]

SPOT ON! There is no other way to say it any better. In my case she had already given me a key to her place within a couple weeks and I had so much stuff moved in there within 2 months. It's true. The family dynamics. In my situation I was the caretaker. The parent who was supposed to do everything for her, as her parents did, without the criticism that her mom gave her and the lack of affection both her parents gave her. Once I set boundaries. And it came time for a committment she bailed. There's no commitment a child has to make to their parent. It's supposed to be unconditional with no expectations on the child. That's why she got out. She also got out because of identify issues. Her identify was me. When I was depressed over my grieving grandfather she became depressed. She blamed it on our relationship. It was the first time I couldn't support her emotionally. So that also played a role in it. I wasn't a loving caretaker anymore. And she couldn't make the commitment.

[earlyL]

She also got out because of identify issues. Her identify was me.

I often think this with my exBPD, I have been working with her to start a new career which has taken off rather amazingly and she is now so full of confidence, I can't help but feel she started a new relationship with someone being this new identity, I am discarded because I represent the old her and she can't cope with it. It is so incredibly sad to watch and hurtful.

[roberto516]

I often think this with my exBPD, I have been working with her to start a new career which has taken off rather amazingly and she is now so full of confidence, I can't help but feel she started a new relationship with someone being this new identity, I am discarded because I represent the old her and she can't cope with it. It is so incredibly sad to watch and hurtful.

Not to get too personal but my grandpop died and I was grieving and sad and angry with all of it. I was in that rut for 3 weeks. I think that was too long for her to cope with the depression and sadness. Because she said she became depressed. Naturally. It's why when I went into my introvert "recharge" quiet modes and I told her I was doing it she still wast comfortable with it. Because she didn't want to adapt that identity at that time. Sad and hurtfil? Yes. But how lucky are we to be out?

[FSTL]

Mine certainly wanted a father figure, someone to take care of her, someone she "depended on", but also someone shiny and new when she felt bored, etc (which was often).

I think the original post summed it up quite well, though. Basically no one can fill the emptiness inside them, so they mix and match in search of completeness.

[MiserableMostly]

Wait, I know, I know... ."they have a mental illness." Fine. They do. No argument.

F that. They don't have a mental illness. I hate thinking of it that way. They have a PERSONALITY DISORDER. This is their PERSONALITY. I person with a mental illness can't just turn off the mental part whenever it suits them. I've seen my exBPDgf treat people with the utmost respect and humility in work situations, then turn around and treat me like a three year old demon.