Is it time to consider posting on L6 Taking Personal Inventory?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 Hi! Leaving Board Members,

Are you getting to the point where doing the post-mortem on your ex and BPD is just wearing you down?  When you came here did you ever think you would end up with a PhD in BPD?  Have you spent enough of your precious time focusing on someone else?

Many of us come here confused, hurt, or angry trying to make heads or tails of what happened, how it happened and why.  We go through phases of abandonment and grief.  It's a long road and we can get stuck.  Part of the lessons of the Leaving Board is "Attachment leads to suffering.  :)etachment leads to freedom".  To fully realize this, heal, and move forward looking inward helps.  Sometimes self-reflection is a scary place, but you are among friends.  

This is why the Taking a Personal Inventory Board is here on bpdfamily.com.  If you have 50+ posts this board is open to you to explore and take that next step towards Detachment.  It is a place to focus on you, your struggles and self-discovery.  It's not a discussion about the borderline in your life.



Why not take a peek and give it shot?  And possibly "Forgive when you can, and practice willful and deliberate forgetfulness when you cannot, keeping in mind that these acts are gifts to yourself rather than capitulation to those whom you resent".  If you have any questions or comments we are more than happy to help you along the way.  

[GreenMango]

 Hi! Leaving Board Members,

Are you getting to the point where doing the post-mortem on your ex and BPD is just wearing you down?  When you came here did you ever think you would end up with a PhD in BPD?  Have you spent enough of your precious time focusing on someone else?

Many of us come here confused, hurt, or angry trying to make heads or tails of what happened, how it happened and why.  We go through phases of abandonment and grief.  It's a long road and we can get stuck.  Part of the lessons of the Leaving Board is "Attachment leads to suffering.  :)etachment leads to freedom".  To fully realize this, heal, and move forward looking inward helps.  Sometimes self-reflection is a scary place, but you are among friends.  

This is why the Taking a Personal Inventory Board is here on bpdfamily.com.  If you have 50+ posts this board is open to you to explore and take that next step towards Detachment.  It is a place to focus on you, your struggles and self-discovery.  It's not a discussion about the borderline in your life.



Why not take a peek and give it shot?  And possibly "Forgive when you can, and practice willful and deliberate forgetfulness when you cannot, keeping in mind that these acts are gifts to yourself rather than capitulation to those whom you resent".  If you have any questions or comments we are more than happy to help you along the way.  

[MaybeSo]

I wish there was more activity on the Personal Inventory board. In my opinion that's were all the real juice is, the "ah ha" moments. I'm envious of how much attention and focus our ex BPD partners always get, in and out of the relationship  we always let them steal the show!  you'd think the average non was not interesting, quirky, fascinating or worthy of focused curiosity. And i know we are! For every "why did my ex do xyz?" there's an equally fascinating follow up question about us... .Right?

[ellil]

I wish there was more activity on the Personal Inventory board. In my opinion that's were all the real juice is, the "ah ha" moments. I'm envious of how much attention and focus our ex BPD partners always get, in and out of the relationship  we always let them steal the show!  you'd think the average non was not interesting, quirky, fascinating or worthy of focused curiosity. And i know we are! For every "why did my ex do xyz?" there's an equally fascinating follow up question about us... .Right?

Like, "And WHY did I put up with it?" You mean that question?

I always wondered why there was not much activity there, although I sense it picking up gradually over the past few months. I'm thinking many of us are making that transition from "Oh my God THEY" TO "Oh my God I" and coming to learn we are really cool people.

Sometimes I'm amazed at how deep, intellectual, and hilarious the folks here are. No wonder *someone* wanted to mirror us  

M

[MaybeSo]

EXACTLY! Thank you!

[Slowlybutsurely]

I need to get myself to that board more often. I try. But it's hard. I realize that in part, my ruminating over her is a way of keeping her attached to me, in some way. The alternative is completely letting go, and being... .  Alone. Ah, yes, alone. I need to figure out a way of being 'alone' in a way that I haven't done before. In the past, alone meant being walled off, isolated, in my monastic (not really) cell. Now, I want to be Present in my own life, however hard that might be. It is so much more distracting and entertaining and interesting to think of the ex, and remember the past, and worry about the future, than to just be here now, as they say. But I hear (on good authority... .) that being here now and being present is the point of an awakened life. Hmmm, wonder why that is so hard for me? Partly, being present means that emotions come up, which mostly aren't pleasant. But feeling them is the only way to process them, I am sure. Okay, I am officially rambling at this point, I think.

I had a realization yesterday: all my thoughts and ruminations of the ex keep me linked to her, and keep her in my life. But this is a fantasy that I am creating, because in fact she is not in my life, and I am in fact alone/without her. Time to get real, and live in reality. This isn't rocket science, I know, but realizing what I was 'doing' with all my thinking was an eye opener, and now I am aware of it and want to change it.

So, yeah, reality... . 

[ConfusedMichael]

I know exactly what you mean Slowlybutsurely... .

I too haven't really felt ready to let go of that last connection just yet.  I know I can never return to the relationship I had, and logically I know that I shouldn't ever want to do that again anyway, but it seems incredibly hard to just cut that final cord.  She was a huge part of my life for a long time.  I got some good advice here recently not to rush the process, so for now I'll continue along the same path.  Hopefully I'll soon get to the same point as you are at now, where you have finally decided that you want to make that change.

[GreenMango]

Maybeso if I can summarize your words and  quote you a bit "Don't let your ex steal your show". Good point.

I know when I came out the relationship the confusion was profound.  I thought I would get answers from understanding BPD... .and I did.  But ultimately I wanted answers from a person who didn't have answers for himself.

Looking at why we stayed and what we brought into the relationship can be hard.  It does mean letting go.  For those of you still struggling to let go of this person please know the transition to L5 is not always a clean move.

You can post on Leaving and Inventory at the same time.  You may find over time that you don't need to post on Leaving as much.  It's okay to start slow.

Take Care,

GM

[Robhart]

Good idea!

When I get the occasional voice message I know it's just her trying to repenish her guy inventory.Beyond a doubt I know she is a BPD,abusive ,a liar and a cheater.I need to probably have a little more total acceptance of those facts and move on.

It's like watching a playoff series and your team blows it in the last game.(I'm quite familiar with that sort of thing being a Cubs fan  )

You can analyze the game forever but the end result is they lost and that's not going to change .

[Stinger]

I wish there wasn't the 50+ posting required.  I found this site a year and a half after the breakup and found help through a therapist.  I have gone through the grieving the loss, then the hate phase, and now I'm trying to get more help on the me side of things.  

[Neglecture]

Good idea!

When I get the occasional voice message I know it's just her trying to repenish her guy inventory.Beyond a doubt I know she is a BPD,abusive ,a liar and a cheater.I need to probably have a little more total acceptance of those facts and move on.

It's like watching a playoff series and your team blows it in the last game.(I'm quite familiar with that sort of thing being a Cubs fan  )

You can analyze the game forever but the end result is they lost and that's not going to change .

Wow... .the playoff sports analogy is an interesting metaphor in terms of how one analyzes the situation and wonders how they could have anticipated a development or perform and action differently.  In that respect the analogy functions perfectly.  The difference though is the game itself.  We must realize that the BPD doesn't play with a set of rules that are consistent or well defined as they are in sports, and you'll never be able to win such a game because the analysis we present comes from a mind that doesn't suffer from this form of mental illness.

[artman.1]

This personal Inventory is just what I need to do for myself.  I have been thinking aboutmy childhood, and how I could have gotten to the place where I am willing to settle for less than I deserve, and give my power and happiness away.

     1st) I am an only child.

     2nd) I was raised in a totally disfunctional family environment with an alcoholic father, and a very codependent Mom.

     3rd) Since I had no brothers or sisters to learn how to protect myself, and properly interact, I learned how toaccept abuse from friends and just accept it, or just be completely alone.

    I learned from my mother that a relationship includes accepting much abusive behaviors from my partner, as she gave up her self and accepted constant verbal abuse from my Dad and immediately denied herself hiding her pain.  I helped her care for my alcoholic father from day to day, all my life.  He was never physically abusive, but constantly verbally abusive to her.  I seriously resent him for the way he treated her.  He was not an honorable man because of this behavior.  My friends for the most part treated me horribly, except just a few.  I was terribly bullied and picked on by friends, and I know it was because I learned to accept this treatment from being in such a dysfunctional family. 

     I hated High School, and never had a girl friend.  Whatever involvement I had with girls was a totally hurtful event, because they treated me as others usually treated me.  I met my wife, and her sisters in our Church.  I was the President of the young peoples group.  I was slow to engage with any flirting and close friendship because I was mistreated often and did not trust girls especially, so I acted very shy.  Finally my wife and her sisters won me over.  I started dating her oldest sister, and later shifted to my wife.  We dated for three + years, and finally got engaged.  We were married after a four year relationship.  She became dysfunctional after about two years or a little less into our marriage, at least that is when I feel things were becoming noticeable with her behaviors.

Art

[GreenMango]

I wish there wasn't the 50+ posting required.  I found this site a year and a half after the breakup and found help through a therapist.  I have gone through the grieving the loss, then the hate phase, and now I'm trying to get more help on the me side of things.  

Stinger,

This a pretty common predicament.  You can post personal inventory questions on Leaving as they come up... .I'd bet you aren't alone in the topic. We often see threads about codependency, depression, etc on here.

Another good way to get to the 50 is to take a look at the workshops and articles that are relevant to you and post.  This along with posting in threads on the relationships board more or starting your own threads will soon bring you to the 50 before you know it.

What topics would you like to start concerning your growth?

-GM

[Clearmind]

This personal Inventory is just what I need to do for myself.  I have been thinking aboutmy childhood, and how I could have gotten to the place where I am willing to settle for less than I deserve, and give my power and happiness away.

    1st) I am an only child.

    2nd) I was raised in a totally disfunctional family environment with an alcoholic father, and a very codependent Mom.

    3rd) Since I had no brothers or sisters to learn how to protect myself, and properly interact, I learned how toaccept abuse from friends and just accept it, or just be completely alone.

Some dissecting on the Personal Inventory Board artman would be a great start! That's the place for ah-ha moments and some deep delving.

I know you are with your wife currently - learning more about you and the dynamic you bring will help you enormously.

[Happy_bird_now]

I am all for this board! Thanks for

The reminder! Time to focus on the "me" aspects along with the rest of my pwBPD survivors. 

[Wimowe]

I've done some inventory work already using a classic Twelve Step Recovery approach.  I believe that this work helped me escape the relationship (or "relationship".  Issues and questions I've had to confront:

~ Why did I find this person compelling?  Why did I disregard the inner and outer warnings about this person?   What wouldn't I let myself see?

~ The relationship came to resemble an addiction.  Why? What beliefs and wounds do I have that I felt I needed or wanted this person in my life?

~ How was I self-serving, self-centered, thoughtless, controlling?

~ How did I enable her?

~Why was it so hard for me to set boundaries?

~ Out of what fears (e.g., abandonment) was I operating?

~ Why did I hang in there and accept unacceptable behavior for so long? Why was it so hard to leave?

I'm grateful that I have the support, perspective, and tools to transform this painful experience into an opportunity for healing, recovery, and growth (I believe any emotionally committed relationship, healthy or unhealthy, presents such an opportunity).  I've had to face some difficult truths about myself, but also discovered inner strengths and resources.  I believe I have a lot more to learn and look forward to participating in the inventory forum.

[GreenMango]

Thats a tough list.  It takes a lot of effort and courage to look honestly at this stuff.

[suz124w]

GM,

Speaking personally, I think the reason that I tend to hover on the L3 Leaving board rather than posting more on the L5 Personal Inventory board is simply that there is more action on that board.  Gossiping and exchanging stories about the exBPDs is really cathartic and I don't think it is all about btchiness or resentment either. There is actually quite a lot of soul-searching going on too, so it is really like a transition board.  I think posting on L3 is a way to release a lot of feelings of hurt or perceived injustice and I personally felt it was much easier to let go of the relationship when I realised that there were a bunch of other people out their going through similar things.  I have also 'met' some fantastic, like-minded people on there whose experiences,though not identical, were similar enough to mine to give me a lot of comfort and companionship in my recovery and healing.

One thing I would like to say is that maybe the title 'Personal Inventory' is a bit heavy... .  something like 'Moving On from the relationship' or 'Life after the relationship' would be something more people would identify with.

[atcrossroads]

I know I need to head over there... .  so many things I am still caught up in with leaving though.  I am 90% reading and posting on Leaving, but I still float between the boards.  Though I know we are divorcing, my emotions are all over the place still, and I'm raw.  I hope it's ok to read and post around some.

This board has been a true lifesaver, and I'm going to leave a donation!  Thanks to all for the amazing insights and support.

BTW, what do you all mean by L3, L6, etc.

[GreenMango]

Hi Suz taking inventory can be heavy sometimes.  It's hard to work on that stuff that keeps us repeating patterns that land us on L3 the leaving board.

But the camaraderie on L6 personal inventory can be supportive like leaving.  I also met great folks from Leaving.  It's really nice to see some of them on inventory it makes the transition a little easier.  You don't have to post on one single board you can work detaching on leaving and try out inventory slowly.

And the we do have a building a new life board/relationships in the L6 section and the the senior member lounge.  Both are pretty fun.  Jokes in the lounge and stories in the building a new life.

ACR

The L3 is the leaving board. L6 is the section to focus back on us rebuilding.  It includes the Taking Personal Inventory and Building a New Life

[atcrossroads]

Thanks, Mango.  I am learning!

[Ironmanrises]

I thought about it. I am not ready though. Still have a lot of things to process through. I am a mess.

[GreenMango]

Most are/were too Ironman. 

If you don't mind me asking is there something specifically in inventory that is too soon?  You mentioned things you are processing thru -are those things more centered on the relationship and the ex or more personal things in general? Do you have any questions about that board?

[Ironmanrises]

My fluctuating acceptance/in acceptance of radical acceptance. I still haven't fully detached from the relationship in my mind. My depression amplifies my not letting go. I have to dig deeper and release all of this from within.

[maxen]

i too am a mess. i'm a mess of violation and of fear, i'd even call it terror. i have endogenic depression, which makes everything worse, though i know that others' pain is horrible as it is even without depression. and i admit, the relationshsip isn't over in my mind. the last things she said did not close the door, they left it open a crack. even there her unfulfillable need and passivity prevailed: after deceiving me and moving in with someone else, i'm the one who has to end the marriage i hoped to spend the rest of my life in (she never filed). so i'm still leaving.

i already have some topics i'd like to start on L6, but a good deal of personal examination happens here too and many of us do that also in therapy or AlAnon. so it's not like we're wallowing, though it would beneficial to the whole community if we talked it out on L6 as well as we do elsewhere. the more talking, the more listening, the better.

but as i said on another thread, the

presumption is that we (nons) have more or less the same emotional capacities and will benefit in the same way from the same protocol.

i'm aware of my own thought patterns. i need to read, over and over, about the same things before i can really embrace them. i need to read about the same behavior patterns, i need to read about others' feelings of violation and pain, i need to read that others too bring a moral and not merely an emotional understanding to how the end came. i need to do this because of habits of thought that i picked up in childhood. these habits affect everything, not just the situation i'm in with my marriage, and they are the prime topic in therapy. but for now i need to stay on L3.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I am in the same boat as most here, but am considering posting in L6.  It's allllll about me now, my recovery from the pain and suffering I sustained, moving past all of that.  I do not want to remain in this space, even though I am trying to feel all of my emotions and deal on a day to day basis with the fall-out.

There are periods of lightness and relief, a knowing I will survive and be stronger for it.  Hopefully the biggest lesson learned is that my gut/intuitions can be trusted, to ignore them will produce chaos and grave harm.

Best Wishes everyone and big hugs

CiF

[GreenMango]

though it would beneficial to the whole community if we talked it out on L6 as well as we do elsewhere. the more talking, the more listening, the better.

Maxen this is good point about that board.  And you don't have to post solely on one.  You can post on leaving and inventory.  Slowly.

The things on the inventory board when its active and lively is the camaraderie and people looking at some of the same things.  Also there's different polls, personality tests like anger styles etc, coping skill workshops etc.

Whenever youre ready.  I brought it up because some members don't know its there, the contents, and or if they can use it.

[GreenMango]

My fluctuating acceptance/in acceptance of radical acceptance. I still haven't fully detached from the relationship in my mind. My depression amplifies my not letting go. I have to dig deeper and release all of this from within.

Whenever you are ready.  The depression might be something to talk about when you are ready.  You might find quite a bit of support with it.

I'm not sure you need to be completely at acceptance to post there and you cam post on both leaving and inventoy. It's a process.  The grief cycle doesn't always follow the steps in a linear fashion - I know I would be okay for awhile then remember something a think Wth? Back to anger for a bit.