POLL: Is your pwBPD highly religious?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A simple yes/no would suffice

Is, or- does your BPD loved one claim to be- overtly religious?

and

Have they ever used their faith/religion as an excuse to emotionally withdraw from you?

I think the results might enlighten... .at least me!

[HerPrisoner]

A simple yes/no would suffice

Is, or- does your BPD loved one claim to be- overtly religious?

and

Have they ever used their faith/religion as an excuse to emotionally withdraw from you?

I think the results might enlighten... .at least me!

[gina louise]

YES for sure

mine is and in a very exclusive, members only *cultish* kind of way.   ;p

AND YES, they use their superior cult/religion to exclude/judge me ( Since I am not a member-not of the elite chosen few... .)

gina louise

[HerPrisoner]

Mine is a Pentecostal, an EXTREMEIST... .and her favorite excuse to judge/demean me?

You're not Pentecostal,  you weren't raised Pentecostal, you wouldn't understand!

I asked on many occasions for her to explain it to me, what didn't I understand?  Whenever she wants to back out of our relationship, its always something to do with this, or how religious her mother is, and she isn't "living up" to her mom's expectations.

She has consistently used her faith as an excuse to detach, to be a source of guilt, to be her excuse to find something wrong with me... .all this after SHE PROPOSED TO ME!  She also uses it to say "it's just wrong... ."

man that hurts... .

[IAdoreDogs]

Yes - we were both Christians when we met, but neither of us was regularly church going.  I was a single, independent, self-reliant, competent, divorced mom.

After we married, the line he used to the EXTREME when attacking me was, "You are not being a submissive wife!  God commands you to be submissive to me!"  (uh - those here Christian know that the wife serves the husband and the husband serves God, while caring for and protecting the wife and children.  It is not a dictatorship arrangement)

From what my H claims, he is the perfect example of a "Christian man and husband", and we have had fights over going to church (I am no longer a "Christian" so to speak but have a wider understanding of spirituality and religion), as he always went into flare ups went we went to Church as a family.  That's another story... .

Emotionally withdraw?  I'm not sure on this one.  After fights surrounding the above noted points, I'd get the silent treatment.  Is this what you mean?

I guess I should add that being in a r/s with a BPD is a bit like being a prisoner with an abuser and in my case has made me into a spiritual seeker of sorts.  I believe now that I have a deeper understanding of God than my H, while he stands on the "peripheral" aspects of his religion.  However, my change in religious beliefs is very threatening to him, and he takes every opportunity to insult me about my "quack beliefs" to everyone whenever the subject of religion comes up.

[Cloudy Days]

Yes, my husband was raised in a Christian school and often tells me how I am going to burn in hell because I am not doing what God wants me to do. He also says that Man was not created equal to woman, and woman is lower than Man, because that's how God created us. I think if I had heard this statement before we were married I would have ran. He is really into the rapture stuff and says that Obama is the Antichrist and I could keep going but you get the point, he gets pretty out there when he wants to.

[maryy16]

No... .my BPDh is not religious at all. He never has been.

[Free One]

No. In fact my ex has said he doesn't believe in God.

[Winglessfallen]

Yes, my gf is, and claims to be non-denominational and liberal, though I don't see it sometimes.  She also church jumps a lot.  She's only had one church she went to for a long period of time, and that was only about 6 months.

She has used my dissent against organized religion (I am a generally very liberal Christian who is pretty anti-church, anti-religious ceremony, etc.) to withdraw many times.  God also gets her polarizing too.  She many times gets very pissed at him and speaks darkly of him when she's in the middle of a bad episode.

When we met i was an atheist and since have rethought things, but they clash with what she believes very often.  Its actually one of the now more mind numbing parts of the relationship, because I have so much to discuss, but every time I do, it ends badly.  Wonder how the pattern will go.

[BlushAndBashful]

At times. Nothing like the above. However, for him, it's a lot of mirroring.

Both of us are pretty relaxed Catholics, with kind of similar thoughts and views. The OW is extreme, die-hard, old school, total immersion Catholic (will spend hours every morning praying the rosary). If you would like her list of things that I will burn in hell for, I'll forward that to you .

I could tell when he was spending time with her, because he would withdraw, start getting all spiritual on me, purchase icons and old church paintings, telling me that he was praying for me and "God bless you" a lot. And then he would dump me to go find himself and discover what God wanted him to do. Repeatedly. Usually with the OW, conveniently.

Not that I have issues with persons who are strong in their faith... .it was just soo bizarre with him and inconsistent and, well, fake.

[Surnia]

No, my stbx is not religious. Not at all.

Me either right now. What I can say: My very catholic religious childhood was a good breeding ground for missing boundaries from my side. I was rised to ignore myself and only be focused to give to others. Even now to be egoistic is in the first moment a big NO GO.

Surnia

[dogmama]

I am a devout evangelical, born again Christian.  Before you freak out, I am a red-letter liberal Christian.  I have almost always gone to church and been involved with choir, Bible study, prison and ethnic ministry, and done two mission trips.  I attended a Quaker college.

My BPDh attended, not by choice, a mainline denomination as a child, but stopped going when he went to college.  He didn't attend again until he was 40 years old.  He now attends worship fairly regularly, but doesn't get too involved.  His parents forced him to go to church and youth group, but stayed away from church themselves.

It's because of my faith that I'm trying to stick with him in mental sickness and in health.

[Gimme Peace]

No, he's not overly religious, but he does "use" religion at times. Although he never ever goes to church or speaks of God/Christianianity, he prays aloud before every meal, especially in public when he knows it will embarrass me.

[HardDaysNight]

No

and

No

Rather she will deride the basic aspects of live and let live, or do unto others, or the idea of charity, as crazy religous notions. 

[zoso80]

Yes. DxBPDgf has completely renounced her casual pagan beliefs for a almost hasidic jewish belief system.  It includes the ultra conservative hasidic style of dress and spending all free time at the local synagogue 'trying to be a better jew.'

She's used her newfound faith to renounce and cloak her past and her actions in my opinion. It's about the perception that she's 'better.' She hasn't used it to try to wedge against me as we've had no contact since January 2011. Instead it's all geared towards selling a perception and finding something to make sense of her chaotic world.

I feel sorry for her 10 year old daughter. The child has been through several spiritual upheavals of different directions. Must be confusing. :/

[Samuel S.]

No, my BPDw refuses to be a part of any religion, although she highly believes in her medium.

[nocrazy]

I guess this would be a yes.

But... .

my ex BPD/NPD H uses his righteousness selectively.

His whole family is rife with alcoholics, cheaters, they gamble, they are slight con people business wise... .but they are all very righteous about strange things.

Eccentric, you might say. For instance, it is fine for them all to drink, cheat and gamble, but they are shocked that anyone would smoke a hit of pot, or openly swear. It is weird.

Also, they keep secrets for each other, a kind of code. Men have a different standard than women in their world.

So, yes, he will look down on me with judgement and righteousness, but he lives by a different set of standards. Which is pretty Narcissistic.

[HardDaysNight]

I just realized I was wrong, my BPD/NPD wife is religuos, at least she firmly thinks she is God's gift to us all, we should idolize her and all she does as right, good and for our ultimate salvation. 

[Blessed0329]

Yes, he is a minister.

And yes, he (rightly) has used this to separate from me. But then always pulls me back, because of his BPD and fear of abandonment.

[HerPrisoner]

update to this question.

10 YES

6 NO

1 didn't clearly know

[Foreverhopefull]

Mine has a total hatred for religions in general but especially catholic, so NO.

As for the second question, NO again. Religion is a taboo subject in our house. It get's him into a fury.

[pippobom]

Absolutely not religious, occasionally is superstitious... .( carves 17 stripes in lighters- counts to 52 in elevators etc.)Arguments/discussions that involve the idea of some sort of morality in life are considered offensive, my guess is that they awaken some insecurity or guilt ( he lies, steals, cheats etc etc.) He claims people are feigning to be superior to him. He seems to believe he's on the receiving end of injustice.

[desperate dutchman]

My wife is very religious. We are catholic and both very active in our church. I started a similar thread about 4 months ago and will summarize what I gathered from that post.

For those BPD that are religious it provides a"rule book " to live by. Something good or positive  in their brain to offset all the negative thoughts. It seems to me that they most of the highly religious BPDs are very fundamentalist in their beliefs. Thus they use it as a tool to achieve their ends. The BP husband cites wife subservient to husband and the BP wife will accuse the non husband of not providing for family/her. They seem to believe that if we all lived by the religion(as interpreted by them) life would be great ( at least for them)

Those BPDs that don't believe seem to feel that the rules/ values  imposed by a religion make them feel unworthy/bad because they cannot live up to them.

In my wife's case she can function in our church while at the same time be unforgiving of others (staff and volunteers) yet help the needy and forgive their shortcoming. Highly confusing to her husband . She will go silent if when she is being negative I ask her "where is the Jesus in that statement".   I take it to mean that she does have spirituality in a addition to the religious rules   Each of the BPDs in our life come to the table with their own set of religious baggage. They will always interpret religion through their BPD brains

Hope that helps

[karalani]

When I met my stbxBPD, he argued that God did not exist. I disagreed openly, but refused to argue on the matter. I saw this as a big warning sign that we would have issues due to not being in the same book much less the same page. Whenever I have made the decision to exit the relationship due to various body issues however, he would get a "revelation" so to speak. Thus using my faith against me, telling me that God gave me to him to help him understand love.   

[karalani]

BPD issues... .not body issues  silly spellcheck

[goodguy]

My dBPDexgf was highly religious, and fundamentally so. So glad you asked this question!  I think it helped fill a hole in her core self (and this may be why many BPDs are religious) - although I was quick to notice a disparity/hypocrisy between her beliefs and her actions (sex, alcohol, drug use, etc). And during the "devaluation" process, she went so far as to say that I wasn't religious enough for her so maybe we weren't right for each other! (although I share her religion, she thought I wasn't devout enough). And she also said that her religious "friends" (that I hadn't met) thought I was a bad influence on her for this reason and that they were "concerned" about her being with me. I almost lost it at that point.

[HerPrisoner]

Update

12 YES

8 NO

2 really didn't know/or say

[IAdoreDogs]

Good poll, HerPrisoner, and great points, everyone!

[HerPrisoner]

my BPDgf used to use religion as a reason/basis to distance herself from me, to emotionally detach. 

[starcrossed]

My girlfriend is a muslim, like her entire family, and that is the main reason why we can't be together in the long run.

As a gay woman, (I'm gay, she's bisexual) when she occasionally makes degrading comments regarding gays with some stereotypes, the issue of raising children and infidelity, it can definitely hurt.

I used to do the same with her religion in the beginning. Mostly as a childish counter-attack on the comments she made.

However, it's not something we argue about lately. Thank "god" 

[real lady]

Since you would like simple yes/no... .

No, strongly agnostic/atheist... .hates religion.

No, he has not used his beliefs to control me at all... .