BPD contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Its been 10 days since I last heard of my exBPD gf, she sent me a happy birthday early in the morning and sadly I replied later in the evening.  I felt so bad after i replied but I am proud that i only said thank you.  Its been a month and a week since we separated.

Today she contacted me again to let me know that the deadline to apply for the nursing program started today and that she hoped I was doing well and ended it with bella.

What the FDFjdkjfj, when we ended the relationship, I told her I did not want to be her friend and she said she understood.  I don't need her reminders or concerns, this sets me back, I feel so bad right now, I feel like crying.  I think she has been stalking my fb and she sees that I am reconnecting with friends and she must also see that I am interesting to other people, she must be jealous. 

Today, for some reason, I have been feeling bad since I woke up, a bit depressed, and I kept thinking about her a lot, but got up and went to my books.

I cant wait to be in a place where I am freeeeeee.  I just want to grabb my phone and throw it against the wall.   I loved her soo much.

I would love to hear your comments.  I dont think I will respond, I hope...

[nardila]

Its been 10 days since I last heard of my exBPD gf, she sent me a happy birthday early in the morning and sadly I replied later in the evening.  I felt so bad after i replied but I am proud that i only said thank you.  Its been a month and a week since we separated.

Today she contacted me again to let me know that the deadline to apply for the nursing program started today and that she hoped I was doing well and ended it with bella.

What the FDFjdkjfj, when we ended the relationship, I told her I did not want to be her friend and she said she understood.  I don't need her reminders or concerns, this sets me back, I feel so bad right now, I feel like crying.  I think she has been stalking my fb and she sees that I am reconnecting with friends and she must also see that I am interesting to other people, she must be jealous. 

Today, for some reason, I have been feeling bad since I woke up, a bit depressed, and I kept thinking about her a lot, but got up and went to my books.

I cant wait to be in a place where I am freeeeeee.  I just want to grabb my phone and throw it against the wall.   I loved her soo much.

I would love to hear your comments.  I dont think I will respond, I hope...

[the new kid]

I understand you, it's really tough letting go of the thoughts and i bet hearing from her doesn't help your recovery much, keeps her hovering in your mind. Thoughts of my ex come in waves, some days hardly at all other days she seems to be on my mind regularly, and i'm trying to work out when the thoughts are likely to come around and for what reason, i can't seem to find a pattern.

After 8 weeks NC i haven't heard from her at all, am not expecting to or particularly craving to any more, and no idea how i'd react should it happen.

Seems your ex's contact with you is pleasant enough, and your response was of course entirely dignified, so you need to decide if you can remain this way or if it's best not to respond in future, for your own benefit not hers.

[MWMan]

I think you're doing good. Books and whatever else are a good option to take your mind off of her.

[GlennT]

nardilla; In time the addiction cycle will break. It's harder though when you don't block them. She asked about a nursing deadline when she should be seen by a psych doc. So disrespectful to our suffering, selfish, absolutely not an ounce of emphathy.They don't really care about us and never did. And that goes the same with them and other people she's been around. The only thing that matters to BPD is contact, drama, and our energy to feed themselves. Selfish is what they are at their core. I know enough about this condition to know what they are like and what good innocent acts they put on. It's all BS. No contact ever again. Do not feed the BPD beast. Cry, get angry, talk, post here, but do not, I repeat, do not look for this woman to be the answer to it. She's not. She's the mirage in the desert.Avoid her like your very life depended on it because it does. The biggest mistake we all made was believing the "act" that they ever cared about us imo. It took me four whole years to get this strong. Hard users of drugs like meth and heroin  fried their brains a little, and when they try to quit they become very sad. Our brains were used to being stimulated by them, like a drug. But the good news is that your brain will heal, given enough NC time. It takes roughly three times the length of the addiction to get back to normal, and it's not any different with a BPD person. So if you really want to get free, do NC.

[the new kid]

GlennT, thank you for that post, although not my thread i'm in need of re-affirmation why i need to stay NC myself. Words as those remind me why it's a necessity.

[its_tough]

Wow, this is phenomenal!  Thanks for writing this.

nardilla; In time the addiction cycle will break. It's harder though when you don't block them. She asked about a nursing deadline when she should be seen by a psych doc. So disrespectful to our suffering, selfish, absolutely not an ounce of emphathy.They don't really care about us and never did. And that goes the same with them and other people she's been around. The only thing that matters to BPD is contact, drama, and our energy to feed themselves. Selfish is what they are at their core. I know enough about this condition to know what they are like and what good innocent acts they put on. It's all BS. No contact ever again. Do not feed the BPD beast. Cry, get angry, talk, post here, but do not, I repeat, do not look for this woman to be the answer to it. She's not. She's the mirage in the desert.Avoid her like your very life depended on it because it does. The biggest mistake we all made was believing the "act" that they ever cared about us imo. It took me four whole years to get this strong. Hard users of drugs like meth and heroin  fried their brains a little, and when they try to quit they become very sad. Our brains were used to being stimulated by them, like a drug. But the good news is that your brain will heal, given enough NC time. It takes roughly three times the length of the addiction to get back to normal, and it's not any different with a BPD person. So if you really want to get free,

[Benevolent Sun]

"Three times the length of the addiction"? Wow is that really accurate?

[nardila]

"The only thing that matters to BPD is contact, drama, and our energy to feed themselves. Selfish is what they are at their core."

This saddens me because is true, thank you for the reminder!  I told her I did not want to be friends, and here she is acting like she is.  All she cares is to be able to do what she wants, which is to bring her ghost into my Psyche.  She is not respecting my boundaries and requests.  I dont even know why she is doing this, she told me she felt like she didn't love me like I did, so why is she?  She should be moving on looking for a Psychologist or finding the "prince" she is looking for and leave me alone.

After I posted this afternoon I started to improve and did not feel the impulse of responding, I just erased her message and hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Thank you so much for your feed back.

[seeking balance]

In the early days, when I wanted contact - I would read over article 9:  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm - False beliefs that keep us stuck.

Usually, once I was able to identify my own motivations, I was able to clearly steer clear of making contact.

Hang in there,

SB

[nardila]

something must be going on.  My exgfBPD sent me a message asking if i did apply for the nursing program and since i did not answer, she sent another one saying "no answer? "   well thank God i was studying and i did not see her message or it might have interfere with my exam.      well, after about an hr she finally called, and again, i did not answer. 

is so typical.  as soon as i start to feel better and begin to see a clear picture of being on my own, after a brakeup she shows up doing this stuff.  she is probably going tzo show up in my house next. 

i am glad, i was strong enough to not answer but i did feel some pain in my heart and the pain is to go back to all that.  i am having a really nice relationship with my dauther and i am keeping up with school and overall have a peaceful life.  as i M writing this i can see that i spent my time with her trying to save her and i can see so clearly now that no matter what i did it wasnt going to accomplish it. 

it feels good to be the one with the power for a change.  i would love love to hear your comments as to how to proceed. 

[forumman83]

We have all been here.

This is not unusual.

Do not fall into the trap.  Keep doing what you are doing and focus on you.

If you cave in you lose all your personal power and start back at square one.

[Inside]

Nardila, you want comments _

[nardila]

An update,

She did end up at my house unannounced, as I expected, and let her in.  We ended up making love that night.  Early the next day she left and said she would be back in the afternoon.  When she got back she confessed to me that she had a boyfriend but that she just broke up with him.  HELLOO, she slept with me while she had a boyfriend.  I should have runnnnnn but no.  She said this guy was the prince she was looking for, a psychiatric Doctor, some body with money, who loved her children and whom her children respected and liked, but even then, she missed me and she said she loved me.

It was very hard to be with her after that the thought of another person having touched her that way and the thought of her giving herself to this guy because he was the perfect picture.  Also i come to find out she was already talking to this guy before she broke up with me.  He was telling her about his brake up and she was just listening.  I believe she was starting to cheat before she left me because she hooked up with this clown days after we broke up.  In all they were together for a month.  Apparently when she broke up he cried and they did not stay friends because he didn't want to but she did. 

I choose to stay in the relationship because she agreed that she had some problems and wanted to fix herself so she signed up for therapy and I kept seeing my psychiatric Dr, the relationship improved.  She started to see some more of her problems and she would get depressed and deregulate at times but she saw her commitment issues and would pulled through. 

2 weeks ago she told me she wanted to be by herself and i noticed she started to pull away.  Last week she sent me a txt telling me how she needs to be by herself and how she wants us to support and comfort each other that we were not going to be physically close but supportive of each other.  that she needed me to support her on that but that we were not braking up, although, this time alone may take a week a month or years.  What the FFHOIHI.  Is this not a brake up?

I think she is starting to like someone else, I think she is actually starting to get the depth of her problems and I think she is doing what she does when she feels any kind of pressure, she brakes up with me.   Well i told her that if it was true that she needed time alone she didn't need my company or anyone else, that I choose to not be in a situation that would bring me instability and anxiety.  I told her i would not contact her and I asked her to please not contact me until she has a better idea of who she is and what she wants.

She tried calling me after she sent the text, she said I must have misunderstood her.  She called and called but I was soo mad i didn't answer.  after my reply she said her therapist suggested what she proposed to me and that she was sorry that i choose to completely shut her out as i have in the past and to not worry that she wont bother me.

The next day i txt her asking her when could I return her clothes and she never replied.  I wanted to see her one more time... .   and she adores her clothes but she didn't care.

I am feeling so bad, right now... .    I hate her, i hate her sickness and i hate my codependency... .  

[Clearmind]

Nardila, the disorder is confusing! Remove her needs for a moment – what do you want? What do you want for you in the next 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?

[goodguy]

It was very hard to be with her after that the thought of another person having touched her that way and the thought of her giving herself to this guy because he was the perfect picture.  Also i come to find out she was already talking to this guy before she broke up with me.  He was telling her about his brake up and she was just listening.  I believe she was starting to cheat before she left me because she hooked up with this clown days after we broke up.  In all they were together for a month.  Apparently when she broke up he cried and they did not stay friends because he didn't want to but she did. 

You are probably right on this. This is classic BPD and its despicable (mine did this before we had broken up). Do you want to be with somebody who is like this? Who will always be like this?

[nardila]

I dont want to be with someone like that but I do miss her, some times I realize that there is little to miss, but I cant help it.  I just pray and ask God to help me get her off my head.  I have been getting this blocked calls and I wonder if it is her... .    I know this sounds crazy but I do wish it was.  At times I see clarity and feel good on my own but then i get jealous and wonder what is she doing.

sight!

[nardila]

For me, I want to regain my power, the one i gave to her. I want to finish my school and strengthen my relationship with my Daughter.  I also want to learn french and keep painting and most of all, I want to reconnect with God.

At this point i feel so disappointing about romantic relationships, i don't see myself having a meaningful relationship with anyone, which makes me sad for some reason.  There were good things about our relationship, there were but the foundation was flawed.  I am so sad right now.

[Clearmind]

I would say that sounds like a grand plan in order to reclaim your life.

When I separated I also never thought I would date let alone find someone healthy... .  trust me you will.