Keeping HOPE alive in the midst of chaos, grief, loss, fear, anger, resentment

[Parents! Get help here!]

Just wanted to pop in and say I miss you all. I have been really busy and trying to focus on my family relationships. Also involved in rekindling my heart through my connections at church and spending some spiritual time alone.

DD had her DWAI trial and was convicted - she still is angry about the unfairness. Using all the tools I can muster to validate and support her in accepting the reality of the sentence to be handed down day after tomorrow. There will be mandatory jail time - now way to know what. There will be a report from probation officer with his recommendations.

DD's bf, in his most self-centered ways, claims his love for her and wants her to take a staight jail sentence so she can follow him to California to work on an illegal marijuana farm - YIKES. Fast path to undoing all the gains she has made in past 6 months taking care of herself in baby steps. Undoing all the work she has done to rebuild her r/s with gd7 too. In his common fashion he did not come home tonight to support her in her panic about going to jail. She has been having some stress related health issues. I cannot dx him - but he is not there for her when she needs him - ever.

Gd7 dx with ADHD traits so dealing with those issues at home and in school plus the dr visits for meds. and continuing be-weekly T visits. She loves 2nd grade - wishes for less home days. Loss of contact with many friends in neighborhood due to our support of DD in our home after last bf attacked her (not at our house, but they are all scared of us I guess!)

Dh has a new boss - much more appreciative of his work. Someone who actually talks to dh! But very disorganized and relies on dh a lot. Very stressful - he mostly crashes in front of TV unless I ask specifically for help with gd. He does push himself to give me an occasional break with homework, etc.

Our money is going negative every month - just can't seem to make enough.

So am doing my best to let go and let God. Giving Him my worries every day, and amazingly it is working to bring some peace in my soul. I am just so dang fatigued by all this. Maybe things will settle into a new routine after court on Thursday for DD.

Thanks for listening to this vent. I will try to check back on Friday.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Just wanted to pop in and say I miss you all. I have been really busy and trying to focus on my family relationships. Also involved in rekindling my heart through my connections at church and spending some spiritual time alone.

DD had her DWAI trial and was convicted - she still is angry about the unfairness. Using all the tools I can muster to validate and support her in accepting the reality of the sentence to be handed down day after tomorrow. There will be mandatory jail time - now way to know what. There will be a report from probation officer with his recommendations.

DD's bf, in his most self-centered ways, claims his love for her and wants her to take a staight jail sentence so she can follow him to California to work on an illegal marijuana farm - YIKES. Fast path to undoing all the gains she has made in past 6 months taking care of herself in baby steps. Undoing all the work she has done to rebuild her r/s with gd7 too. In his common fashion he did not come home tonight to support her in her panic about going to jail. She has been having some stress related health issues. I cannot dx him - but he is not there for her when she needs him - ever.

Gd7 dx with ADHD traits so dealing with those issues at home and in school plus the dr visits for meds. and continuing be-weekly T visits. She loves 2nd grade - wishes for less home days. Loss of contact with many friends in neighborhood due to our support of DD in our home after last bf attacked her (not at our house, but they are all scared of us I guess!)

Dh has a new boss - much more appreciative of his work. Someone who actually talks to dh! But very disorganized and relies on dh a lot. Very stressful - he mostly crashes in front of TV unless I ask specifically for help with gd. He does push himself to give me an occasional break with homework, etc.

Our money is going negative every month - just can't seem to make enough.

So am doing my best to let go and let God. Giving Him my worries every day, and amazingly it is working to bring some peace in my soul. I am just so dang fatigued by all this. Maybe things will settle into a new routine after court on Thursday for DD.

Thanks for listening to this vent. I will try to check back on Friday.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

qcr,

Hi!.  Great to hear from you, again.  I was just wondering about you the other day.  So, is Thursday the sentencing day?  Any ideas on the length of her sentence?  If she took a straight sentence without probation/parole wouldn't that mean, time of at least, one year? 

It sounds like you are exhausted with dh not being able to help as much.  I can understand that.  There are many days, that I have the blahs and barely any energy.  Unfortunately, those seem to be the days that my dh has had a rough day at work, too.  He is great about picking up my slack when he can.  I could not imagine throwing in the mix caring for my gs, full-time.  I am exhausted on the weeks that I have him, and appreciate the  week break.   Although, I do feel bad for my gs, as I am not a fan of 50/50 custody.   

You are to be admired for all that you do.  I hope whatever the outcome of dd's court appearance, that it brings you peace.  I pray for the best possible outcome for all of you. (hopefully, bf will leave the picture, and your dd is accepting of that)  I hope that she sees that he is really not in her corner. 

Keep up your faith.  I will pray for the continued peace in your soul.   


peaceplease

[Thursday]

Hello q and all,

So sorry to hear that your DD got jail time. I hope somehow it works out for the best but I imagine it is very hard to be optimistic about her sitting in jail. So, so sorry for all involved.

bf sounds awful.

Glad your hubby is able to be there for you at least a little bit. Sounds like he is doing his best.

I hear you about finances. We are struggling here too.

I've just gotten back on the computer after a hiatus. My Mom died in North Carolina. I was with her for about a month. Exhausted but glad to be back home.

BPDSD21 has probably lost her job. She is waiting to hear from the company she works for after she no called/no showed at work. She overslept. She is still, ongoingly, working her scheduled shifts... .so for now still making an income.

Her Dad is handling this well right now despite his having been alone for the last month and the expense of traveling to join me for my Mom's funeral. He's not letting himself get too involved in the process of figuring out SD's next move, letting her feel natural consequences, etc. Encouraging her to seek another job while she still has this one. Her boss is on vacation and the decision will come on her return. Telling her he has faith that she will find good outcomes if she gives it her attention. Not quite in those words but he has found his sweet spot in dealing with her for sure.

I feel too overwhelmed to even worry about this right now but it's true my worries are less because S/O is handling his daughter so well. And there is, oddly, a feeling of strength in this. I think you are sharing this feeling qcarolr. Letting go and letting God too. A lot of strength in letting it go. And peace.

Take care of yourself and keep checking in. I still check in regularly even if I don't always make a post.

thursday

[vivekananda]

qcr - good to hear your voice, sad to hear your news. I hope your dd copes with the coming days and finds some good for herself in jail. Even if we knew it was coming, it is still so hard to take. How your heart must ache with all your burdens. But you are loved and appreciated, all the work you have done for your dd is not in vain. Maybe this is necessary to shake off the bf for good... .I do hope that happens.

I hope your gd becomes more settled now she has the dx and with a more settled world while her mum is inside.

Glad dh has an appreciative boss - when can he ask for a raise   In time, this too should become more settled while he gets used to and accomodates the different style of work.

In the meantime, keep up with your 'acceptance', keep your heart open and know we are here for you. I am sending you love heart to heart.

Thursday I am so sorry to hear about your mum's death. No matter how expected, no matter the circumstances, to lose your mum is a sad thing.

I worry for you when you are struggling financially, it is an unfair world in so many ways. Financial burdens are such a stress and a drain.

Stay strong,

sending Cheers,

Vivek           

[qcarolr]

Thanks for the hugs. Thought I had all this bundled nicely inside, but the tears are starting to leak out tonight. I am so sad my DD has to go through this. Keep hearing God say to me "Trust Me".  So hard for me to do right now.

Bf showed up this morning while I was at work - here with another friend when I got home this afternoon. Took DD to mail her ballot (we do vote by mail - it came yesterday and she is so happy to vote for president and to legalize mj in our state!). She said to me about bf - i am confused. he is either really here with me, or not here at all. What an awesome thing to hear this insight coming from her. She said she is taking things with him a day at a time to avoid disappointment.

DD left with bf for a 'last night of fun' before court tomorrow at 10am. Hope she doesn't have leaves in her hair - ie. that they have a couch to crash on tonight. She was laughing and I know it is a cover to stop the panic from rising. The jail term can be anywhere from 10 days to one year. Just can't wrap my mind around this tonight. And DD blew off all her bond monitoring stuff the past two weeks - so one year is a real possibility. Gotta just stop thinking for tonight.

Talked with lawyer today - had faxed her a copy of the letter I sent the probation officer with history of her cognitive and mental health issues and how they impact her coping ability. Lawyer really appreciated this info - she suspected some underlying issues but DD had not shared any of them with her. She will try to put DD's last so most people will have left the courtroom. Then the lawyer can share this info with the judge with less stigma and humiliation for DD. She is so private about her stuff -- all of it.

Gd had a really great day. I picked her up from Brownie scouts and she did wonderful. Last year she would not even go unless I stayed to whole time. She even did her little presentation about one of the badges on her own. I am so proud of her. And maybe can give myself a    for being a good grandma after all

Well, I really needed a friend to talk to tonight. A real hug would be nice, but I will get warmth from all these virtual ones too. I want to find the courage to call one of my new friends in my bible study group - so hard to face real people sometimes. Need to get gd off to bed anyway. Maybe tomorrow morning.

qcr

[vivekananda]

can you ask one of your 'new' friends to share a coffee with you in a cafe somewhere? Then you have more 'control' of your emotions because you are in a public place. My experience is that I didn't need to say anything about my problems to feel supported and cared about after a coffee chit chat. I was able to connect with another caring and kind human being who liked me and that was enough.

But my concerns aren't as serious as yours, so my solution may not be enough.

hugs to a good granma,

Vivek          

[EmmaB]

Qcr, I don't know you at all but wanted to send you a huge hug. Sometimes you just need one. I hope the best for you today. Also,you sound  like  a terrific grandma!

Giving your troubles to God is difficult to do but necessary and sometimes you look up in the sky and you just want to scream ':)O SOMETHING"! I've been having this problem lately but I know He knows best and I remind myself of that.

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I hope the outcome was favorable in the best interest of your dd.  I hope that her mental illness is addressed and perhaps some help will come her way.  Hoping for blessing in disguises.  

My prayers that she is given the peace to cope with this sentence while she is in jail.  I hope that it is the shorter end of the sentence.  My heart goes out to you.  I know that it is heartbreaking to sit in courtroom with your dd being sentenced.   


peaceplease

[js friend]

many, many hugs to you qcarolr      ,

Things  really sound difficult for you at the moment, but i hoping that you will find the inner strenght to deal with it all.

sending you peace and love.

jsf

[qcarolr]

DD26 is trying hard. Self-serving bf went to court with us. Was putting pressure on her to take straight jail for ONE YEAR - to "tough it out like the rest of us and be done". Reality check - he wanted to do his own thing without her asking him to be in a real relationship with her - he wants to leave our area to do whatever (though I doubt he goes anywhere). He stepped out on her - I hope she can persevere with letting him go. He is just a jerk and not there for her when she needs him.

Judge gave her 'best deal available under the law'; 45 day electronic home monitoring in lieu of jail time, 24-48 months probation with lots of evaluations, therapy and treatment as recommended, plus COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY! One year jail sentence will hang over her this entire time if she fails at probation. She says she is trying, but is smoking her last pot before she gets her ankle bracelet and meets with probation officer to start moniotring, etc. on Weds.

I wrote a letter to the probation officer to include in his report to the judge prior to sentencing yesterday. I also typed letter from DD stating her desire to have more productinve life on probation. This judge is harsh yet very involved in several diversion programs in the court to help those that are willing to put out the effort with rehabilitation and get out of the legal system.

So I will keep praying for her to have strength and courage to persevere. This will be tough for her, esp. not being able to smoke pot - a daily user now. This is her anti anxiety med - and I have seen how well it does work for her in the moment. I hope she can get quick support to move away from this. Hope they can give her some anti-anxiety meds for this transistion. She did refill her prozac, so this should start helping in about 2 weeks. It has before. She needs to ask for the help she needs. Dh and I can encourage her to make the most of this opportunity to expand her life view. Hoping she can connect quickly with some sober people that can be her friends. She has to stay away from all her current, mostly homeless, friends.

I would like to share parts of my letter tomorrow if I have time. Need to get to bed now. I am tired, but hopeful. Espcially hopeful she can participate in the therapy ordered. The judge said to her there are other ways to learn to manage her intense emotions and make decisions without mj. I think he gets where she is, and saw from my letter how hard she has been trying to past few months.

Thanks so much for being here for me.

qcr

[vivekananda]

ahh qcr it seems like mixed blessings. I can hear the tiredness in your voice and your worry for the next 12 mths. I do hope that the CBT will be helpful. It could just be the thing that makes the difference. No jail - phew!

I hope that bf has gone for good - oh I do hope so. I hope your dd can get herself back on track, I do.

I'd love to read the letter you wrote, course I'd probably cry  :'( but that would be a good thing 

It'll be good to get her off mj I think - once she is past the initial hard time. It is not meant to be physically addictive, so she shouldn't feel any consequences in that way.

I hope she meets some people she can relate to, who are trying to lead a 'positive' life - a different bunch who can give her a differrent perspective.

thinking of you tonight qcr,

Vivek            

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I think that it sounds like a good outcome.  No jail time!  What was your dd's reaction?  Her bf's?     And, what would he be doing the year that she would be in jail?  Like he would be waiting for her!  I hope your dd gets to the point where she "wants" to kick him to the curb. 

How do you think your dd will manage with the electronic monitoring?  I think with the right med combo may help to substitute the daily pot.  It sounds like the judge had her best interests at heart with a lot of mental health assistance.  Wouldn't this help with SSI?  Sounds like a win win, if she can keep up with it.  But, if they are going to frequent with her, then that sounds like it will work out. 

Will continue to keep you, her, and your family in prayer.         


peaceplease

[Esperança_Hope]

Hi, qcr 

I´m new in here. 

Your history is so rich and full of delicate situations that can only say that I am here to congratulate you and pray. You are great! I thank you for the example set of faith that you are giving to your daughter, your granddaughter, and all of us here.

God knows everything. And, for sure, May HE bless all of you.

my tenderness to you, you DD, Gd . Stay strong.

Love

Esperança

[qcarolr]

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. Here is the letter - so much of what I have learned and practiced the past 3 years here at bpdfamily.com allowed me the ability to do this letter. My family is growing in a much healthier way day by day. I really believe my letter guided the probation officer and judge to include the Cognitive Behavior Therapy in her probation, along with all the "Track C" evaluations, treatments and therapies. DD will be very busy in next 24 months.

This letter is regarding the options that may be available for the sentence on DD26 DWAI conviction. Her next hearing is on October 18, 2012. A probation evaluation is in process for this hearing.

I am DD26 mother. There are times when she struggles to speak on her own behalf, and she has asked for me to share my observations and experiences with your office. Over the past few weeks DD26 has been working on accepting this conviction and the possible outcomes. Her belief that she is innocent complicates this acceptance. Sometimes she covers up her feelings of anxiety and panic with denial, anger and defiant actions. She has done a really good job of managing all this in our home as she prepares for this next hearing.

She has been working very hard to be a contributing member of our family since she returned to live with us in June 2011. There has been so much progress in many areas of her life and I am concerned that this will be lost unless the sentence can be supportive of her desire to make a better life for herself. DD26 is a very intelligent, compassionate person. When her cognitive processing limits get in the way, her frustration has made it hard to persevere in the past. Experiences throughout her life of stigma and discrimination have put roadblocks in her way for perseverance and success when things feel impossible.

Her cognitive and emotional issues also get in the way of communicating what she wants or needs. Medical records related to these issues should be in the probation office’s files from the 2009-2010 supervision, including copies of the reports of psychological and neuropsychological testing done in 2007-2008. Those tests are consistent with all the testing done since she was age 6. She can give you permission for more information if needed from her health providers.

DD26 has really put in a lot of effort over the past 16 months rebuilding her relationships with us in our home. The greatest improvement has been this past summer and fall. This is especially evident to me in her relationship with her seven year old daughter, also living with us. GD7 now feels comfortable being home alone with her mom, and DD26 is able to spend time with Emma instead of me needing childcare for her. DD26 has been working with GD7 to train our young dogs. This is an example of her growing ability to manage frustration and her intense emotions.  My husband and I have also developed a much more open relationship with our daughter. She adds to the household as she is able, and I am so glad to have her in our family. It is a delight when we are able to calmly discuss and work toward solutions on family issues – or know when to step back and take some time out.

Her panic disorder, intense emotions and depression are very real and contributed to her resistance to some previous programs she has tried such as the community programs at Mental Health Partners and with State Voc. Rehab. Medications have helped some with this, but much of her progress is due to the effort she makes to continue to live in our home.  I believe she is at a better place now, and may be able to benefit from a probation program that supports her cognitive disabilities, her emotional/mental health issues, and her use of some substances to attempt to manage these issues on her own. She also has extremely limited financial resources through the county. As her parents, we do not have any financial resources to help her.

DD26 is asking me to speak here for her, that she wants to move her life in a new direction. She wants to be able to get her GED and other training to get a job even if it only supplements the SSI she has applied for. She wants to have purpose in her life. She is hoping that she can be offered another chance to prove that with the proper support she can be successful in meeting the goals of a probation program, one that supports both her cognitive and emotional needs, while working on the drug treatment mandated by her DWAI conviction.  Research I have read suggests that it takes several attempts before there is success in recovery. DD26 deserves this opportunity for another chance at success.

Please let me know if any other information would be helpful in evaluating DD26’s case.

Sincerely,

qcr

Cc: Public Defender

[qcarolr]

bf update: no word from him.  Not unusual - he seperates from her 3-5 days at a time, yet gets angry if she gets angry or if she hangs out with other male friends during his absences. DD was questioning this with me before the court date. But for him to sit with her in court and walk away ANGRY that she did not take the 12 month jail sentence ;p     I can only make guesses at what is going on in his warped brain. I hope DD continues to want distance from him and his friends. She has been supported in this already by some other friends in the street community who have ostracized him for this behavior toward her.

An amazing transformation is taking place in every member of my family around being here for DD - to support her choices toward being successful. DD wants to make a better life for herself. Maybe this is exactly what is needed to move us all on a new path - one without as much fear, fewer eggshells crunching underfoot every day, one with more open hopefulness.

Even when I am worn down and tired - and want to hibernate with my books and computer tucked away in my office here at home - it is clear to me that staying connected to people is my most important task. And DD is just the beginning. And I need to be patient with the process - taking one day at a time. Keeping quiet with my family about my thousand thoughts. Keeping quiet with neighbors and family about my thousand thoughts. Listening listening listening --  validating validaiting validating --- lots a prayers for patience.

That is what bpdfamily.com and this board is for, isn't it? I can come here and safely share my thousand thoughts and not trigger anxiety in my family members. I can come here to shed my tears, and not trigger my family members anxiety. And this goes for the neighbors too - my sharing with them has caused stigma against DD and GD based on their fears. Fears of unkowns about DD and her homeless, needy friends that have visited our home.

Seems like a new age has started for us. Thanks so much for being here to share this moment of hope with me.

qcr    

[vivekananda]

blessed qcr, what a rock you are, such powerful determination. I am so proud of you 

The letter is clear, logical, undeniable - well done. I think the guys having read it would have felt so much more comfortable making the decision they did. He would have been reassured that her family home was strong and supportive and totally on top of the issues. Undoubtedly your repetition of the word 'cognitive' would have triggered the judge to send her to CBT - yay   

An amazing transformation is taking place in every member of my family around being here for DD - to support her choices toward being successful. DD wants to make a better life for herself. Maybe this is exactly what is needed to move us all on a new path - one without as much fear, fewer eggshells crunching underfoot every day, one with more open hopefulness.

Fingers, legs, arms, everything is crossed for you all. I hope dd realises the lucky escape she has had and can turn to you more and more. I hope that you can manage your own personal ups and downs in all this, to stay on an even keel for yourself and your family. Hope your gd7 continues to settle more and more. And poor dh continues to stay strong too. Balance is a goal eh?

Even when I am worn down and tired - and want to hibernate with my books and computer tucked away in my office here at home - it is clear to me that staying connected to people is my most important task.

So true. It is from others that we can charge our batteries. I especially like to connect with insignificant others in the street, the shops - smiles, kind words etc all help charge my batteries that life is good. Open communication with dh is essential and it is so easy to return to grunts and snaffles without speaking out loud - maybe that's fine every now and then, but we need to make sure proper communication stays happening.

qcr can i recommend a book that takes validation to a different level. I have almost finished it and I am impressed. It's a more complex set of concepts to absorb but the effort would be rewarding. "Nonviolent Communication - a Language of Life" Marshall B Rosenberg, Ph D. I have borrowed it from the library, it's been around since 2003.

I am happy for you all qcr.

Vivek      

[llbee814]

Woohoo qcarolr!  Your letter kicked butt and took no prisoners, yet remained perfectly logical and clear-sighted.  Not surprised that they sat up and took notice... .you really left them no alternative.  You showed them (and your daughter) what a powerful advocate she has in her corner with her mom.  To heck with the neighbors and bf    your heart puts them to shame.  I'm sure I'm not the only one inspired by your tenacious love for your dd.  Blessings to your family for continued progress.    L.

[swampped]

Adding my       dear qcr for a letter so well written and for your continued optimism and faith.  I imagine the judge heaved a sigh of relief when he read that letter---"At last!  An easy solution!"---as it was so clear that the best place of your dd is home, not in jail.  No matter how that decision turns out, you have gone so very far in helping her to weather the storm that is her life, that you should feel as if you have done all you could.   And to hear your optimism after all this time inspires me to continue to hope that the situation with our uBPDdil and ds and gd4 will somehow stabilize.  You are awesome!

In the meantime, prayers for peace at home and for a relatively easy transition from the daily mj for your dd.  And for good results from gd's medication.  And for some breathing room for you and dh.  And for a change in the economy for the better---both yours personally, and ours in general.  How's that for a prayer list!          Swampped

[Esperança_Hope]

Dearest qcr,  

Your letter is flawless.

Your writing demonstrates a wisdom inspired by the Holy Spirit , a wisdom built on daily struggle in your brave courage to face reality with an iron fist though your heart, so often, is injured.  

Congratulations on lucidity despite the pain.

You, to me, is an example of strength and openness to God's grace.

Your daughter does not need lawyers. 

Your letter, written with words on fire defended your D from harm. 

God bless you.

Love

Esperança

[qcarolr]

qcr can i recommend a book that takes validation to a different level. I have almost finished it and I am impressed. It's a more complex set of concepts to absorb but the effort would be rewarding. "Nonviolent Communication - a Language of Life" Marshall B Rosenberg, Ph D. I have borrowed it from the library, it's been around since 2003.

I have heard of this book, and somewhere along the line here at bpdfamily.com have made a copy of an excerpt. I will find this book to add to my collection! Even with 'no money' I still buy books, though now on my kindle (my bday gift to myself - asking for nothing from anyone else)

I took my time with this letter - talked with dh as I wrote the outline of the work DD has done in our home, what things she has been unable to improve on (substances and therapy), and how valued she is in our family. A truth is that dh and I need her to be in gd's life as a good, reliable friend as we age. And she has stepped up so much to do this. She continues to state her commitment to doing her best to make this 'house jail' as gd puts it work out and the probation. We have commited a set amount of money to her, to be repaid out of her SSI - have faith she will evenutually get approved. She is openly appreciative of all our help.

3 significant things happened today that support this to me:

We ran into an alteration walking our pups today with a person that does not like dogs and yelled in foul language to gd, dd and I. DD replied in kind as gd and I turned back downt the open space trail - we were letting the dogs play off-leash as everyone does in this area. If she had kept walking quietly our dogs would have come when we called. She started screeching as soon as she saw them with us 50 feet away and down a hill. When we return home DD turned on me as well in her anger - and old pattern of projection when she is overwhelmed emotionally. So I said I was taking a break with gd outside and left for about 1/2 hour. DD got herself managed in that time and we were able to talk about the incident in a calm way over the course of the evening. All of us, including gd's telling her version of the story several times. Amazing transformation.

I had the courage to bring my computer to the kitchen table to listen to a message from last week when I missed church with DD in the same space. She respected this and did her own stuff without much comment. Gd, who wanted to watch wild horse running video from NatGeo was watching it on my kindle - amazed that I figured this one out. Amazing transformation.

BF poked his head into the front door about 7pm. Whoosh - may anger meter peaked. Told him to talk to DD in back yard before thinking he could stay. ( He has been staying with us off and on since July - supposed to be contributing to household expenses and food - we do not want him here with his substance abuse behaviors anymore) Lori wanted him to stay as he is sick - says bad food at the homeless feed tonight. I accused him of being drunk - he said he was the other night but not tonight. So he was allowed to stay tonight and I will drive him and as much of his stuff I can pack into the car to town tomorrow morning. I told DD that she needed someone in her life that could support her sobriety now on probation and he will not be able to do this no matter what he says. This is our experience and i do not expect a miracle for either of them. I told her very directly that we are making huge commitments and sacrifices to support her house detention and probation - time, energy, money - and will not allow anyone in our home that cannot support her on this. AND SHE LISTENED AND AGREED. At least agreed in theory. I expect to be lobbied for him to stay in the morning. I have to see proof of changes in him before I can support their relationship - AA, sobriety, a job. Then DD came upstairs to be with dh and I and gd instead of hanging out in her room with him as she would have done in the past - only a week ago. Amazing transformation.

Keep the prayers flowing - something is working here in me at least. And it seems to be pouring over into everyone else as well.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Dearest qcarol,

You are being blessed as you are a blessing to others. 

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

I don't know if I am softer than usual, but my tears are flowing for you... .tears of relief and even a sense of joy. The picture of you at the kitchen table is so good. Yeah ok, there'll be setbacks but how good is this?

qcr you have managed such a difficult time. I was telling my dh last night  about some of the journey you have been on, and it seems you have been instrumental in effecting a big transformation in your house. Clear headed thinking, sticking to boundaries, validation, radical acceptance - it all has worked! Imagine how it would have been if you hadn't changed yourself? oh, it doesn't bear thinking about.

Stay focussed, relaxed and you have my permission to be happy 

lots of love to you and yours,

Vivek

[Esperança_Hope]

Then DD came upstairs to be with dh and I and gd instead of hanging out in her room with him as she would have done in the past - only a week ago. Amazing transformation.

Keep the prayers flowing - something is working here in me at least. And it seems to be pouring over into everyone else as well.

This is nice, QCarolr

Let´s pray

love Esperanza

[qcarolr]

Busy week with getting DD26 set up with all her home arrest and probation stuff. Appt tomorrow for intake on track 2 alcohol/drug classes, then intake week after for her EtG monitoring. still have to look up what that means exactly - instead of breathilizers and UA's they do this 2x a week. Harder to 'trick' system. Also appt with  meds. nurse in 10 days for her to get anxiety meds to replace the daily pot.

Crisis yesterday - bf gone in his pattern 2 days here 3 days gone - DD wanted pot REALLY BAD. We stuck to no way we are driving you or helping with this violation of probation in any way. She pulled all stops out with panic based raging. Dh called 911; DD melted into sobbing heap on back patio trembling/rocking/saying she could not go to jail she would rather die. So much distress - I just sat beside her with tears running down my face. This is how police officers found us. Told them my biggest concern was the suicidal thinking. She assured them she was OK with that - they tried to reassure her she could do home detention - better than jail - parents here for her - etc etc. They left her with us. Local police have good training in mediating domestic situations. Usually takes her a couple days usually to come back from this distress.

Gd and I went to church to do volunteer obligation for 1/2 hour then returned home. After silent treatment of day before did not know what to expect. DD has 2 hour window to do 'errands' on Sunday so invited her to get burger and go shopping for new shoes and groceries at Wal-Mart. It turned in to a really good day. DD thanked me so much for the outing and shoes/t-shirts off discount rack and time out with gd getting new shoes and a cute shirt too. Amazed at her recovery. Stay connected - manage my own emotions - love her in my heart. I used to run away - avoid situation - nothing ever got better that way. This is about being able to validate my own feelings first, then validating DD's feelings and validating gd's feelings. Gd is able to continue to be with her mom too - without the fear and seperation anxiety I have seen in the past.

The thought has come to me that the traumatic event in the open space a week ago has given gd a voice about the trauma of raging - and an object outside the family to aim this distress she feels toward. Coping strategy that is working for - we can work through this over time at home and in therapy. Must be so hard to love your mom and have her yelling mean things at the family in a panic based rage - she is only seven. Reassure her often that dh and I are here to keep her safe.

Tomorrow will see if police report to sheriff at jail or not with their contact yesterday and how that goes with her detention case manager. Have to call in to get window out of range of ankle braclet to go do intake for classes after I get home from work. They said come in anytime and allow 1 1/2 hours. DD has asked that I stay with her in case she has questions. All this paperwork is so stressful for her - she has managed it so far with minimal help from me. I am proud of her.

I am in awe of my ability to stay calm - to hear when anyone around me says 'you are yelling' even when I do not perceive this. Stop, breathe, reset - start again. Let go - God promises he will take care of me if I let go. I am learning to trust this - turning of mind over and over and over to this willingness to participate in my life. DBT skills in action inside my faith. This is only way I can understand the changes in me that have brought changes in my family dynamic. Trying to do it 'on my own', with my own will power, never worked for years and years.

Keep praying for DD to find hope, patience, and keep sharing her feelings with us as they come up. She needs a hobby - she does not have any ideas for this. Wants company to do crafty things I have given her materials for - I have to work and do other things sometimes. She has to learn to tolerate being alone - so hard so hard in the realm of BPD sense of lonliness and abandonment. It is actually good that bf takes his breaks away to allow her this opportunity.

Hope I am not rambling too much here. Just need to share. Enjoyed time to read and post today as DH spent time with gd and dd after he got home today. So often he comes home and dozes on the couch in front of the TV. So grateful for this time today. Realize how much I have taken him for granted over the years in my need to feel in control of every detail. He is a compentent, compassionate man when I step back and let him take over more. Things are seeming so much clearer lately.

I have also checked in with a couple of our neighbors. They all saw the police car here - they know about the home detention and bf coming and going. He is a scary guy - 6'11", skinny with tatoos and deep voice. DD met 3 years ago when homeless - he has lived homeless for since age 16 and is now almost 29. Prefers being outside. Sense of some shift with neighbors toward at least being more accepting of the choices dh and I are making to be here for DD. They all have young kids - fears for their own kids facing difficult teen and young adult years in the hardness of our world today.

Will try to check in this week. Thanks for listening.

qcr

[vivekananda]

qcr, what can I say? You sound just right, so centered. It seems as if it is working for you and your lovely family. I am so pleased and proud for you. I need to read and reread this to learn from it.

In the face of the raging out of control dd that you and dh are able to stay strong and calm - within the hurt and pain. Radical acceptance, mindfulness and all the other tools available to us, can work when combined with faith and trust. So, even though I don't believe in god, I can do it still with my own faith and trust in the universe... .probably the same thing eh? The point is, it can work.

I pray for you in my own way, you are in my heart,

Vivek      

[Esperança_Hope]

Dearest, Heron

You´re my hero! What a brave heart. You´re so strong.

DBT skills in action inside my faith.

This will my advive for myself everyday!

You are so caring mother and grandmpther. Your family, we all here, and friends , and family are proud of you.



Esperança

[lbjnltx]

Busy week with getting DD26 set up with all her home arrest and probation stuff. Appt tomorrow for intake on track 2 alcohol/drug classes, then intake week after for her EtG monitoring. still have to look up what that means exactly - instead of breathilizers and UA's they do this 2x a week. Harder to 'trick' system. Also appt with  meds. nurse in 10 days for her to get anxiety meds to replace the daily pot.

Crisis yesterday - bf gone in his pattern 2 days here 3 days gone - DD wanted pot REALLY BAD. We stuck to no way we are driving you or helping with this violation of probation in any way. She pulled all stops out with panic based raging. Dh called 911; DD melted into sobbing heap on back patio trembling/rocking/saying she could not go to jail she would rather die. So much distress - I just sat beside her with tears running down my face. This is how police officers found us. Told them my biggest concern was the suicidal thinking. She assured them she was OK with that - they tried to reassure her she could do home detention - better than jail - parents here for her - etc etc. They left her with us. Local police have good training in mediating domestic situations. Usually takes her a couple days usually to come back from this distress.

She is facing the reality of giving up her addictive coping mechanism... .marijuana... .I hope that she can get an rx for anxiety that helps her...

That you can empathize and express your empathy through healthy emotions qcarol is a testament to the condition of your heart... .a heart of love.

Gd and I went to church to do volunteer obligation for 1/2 hour then returned home. After silent treatment of day before did not know what to expect. DD has 2 hour window to do 'errands' on Sunday so invited her to get burger and go shopping for new shoes and groceries at Wal-Mart. It turned in to a really good day. DD thanked me so much for the outing and shoes/t-shirts off discount rack and time out with gd getting new shoes and a cute shirt too. Amazed at her recovery. Stay connected - manage my own emotions - love her in my heart. I used to run away - avoid situation - nothing ever got better that way. This is about being able to validate my own feelings first, then validating DD's feelings and validating gd's feelings. Gd is able to continue to be with her mom too - without the fear and seperation anxiety I have seen in the past.

You are so right qcarol... .to be able to fully understand and practice validation for anyone else we must first be in touch with our own emotions and emotional thoughts and validate SELF.

The thought has come to me that the traumatic event in the open space a week ago has given gd a voice about the trauma of raging - and an object outside the family to aim this distress she feels toward. Coping strategy that is working for - we can work through this over time at home and in therapy. Must be so hard to love your mom and have her yelling mean things at the family in a panic based rage - she is only seven. Reassure her often that dh and I are here to keep her safe.

Tomorrow will see if police report to sheriff at jail or not with their contact yesterday and how that goes with her detention case manager. Have to call in to get window out of range of ankle braclet to go do intake for classes after I get home from work. They said come in anytime and allow 1 1/2 hours. DD has asked that I stay with her in case she has questions. All this paperwork is so stressful for her - she has managed it so far with minimal help from me. I am proud of her.

I am in awe of my ability to stay calm - to hear when anyone around me says 'you are yelling' even when I do not perceive this. Stop, breathe, reset - start again. Let go - God promises he will take care of me if I let go. I am learning to trust this - turning of mind over and over and over to this willingness to participate in my life. DBT skills in action inside my faith. This is only way I can understand the changes in me that have brought changes in my family dynamic. Trying to do it 'on my own', with my own will power, never worked for years and years.

God has waited patiently for you to come to Him qcarol... .He will be faithful to you.

Keep praying for DD to find hope, patience, and keep sharing her feelings with us as they come up. She needs a hobby - she does not have any ideas for this. Wants company to do crafty things I have given her materials for - I have to work and do other things sometimes. She has to learn to tolerate being alone - so hard so hard in the realm of BPD sense of lonliness and abandonment. It is actually good that bf takes his breaks away to allow her this opportunity.

Hope I am not rambling too much here. Just need to share. Enjoyed time to read and post today as DH spent time with gd and dd after he got home today. So often he comes home and dozes on the couch in front of the TV. So grateful for this time today.

We have missed you!   

Realize how much I have taken him for granted over the years in my need to feel in control of every detail. He is a compentent, compassionate man when I step back and let him take over more. Things are seeming so much clearer lately.

I have also checked in with a couple of our neighbors. They all saw the police car here - they know about the home detention and bf coming and going. He is a scary guy - 6'11", skinny with tatoos and deep voice. DD met 3 years ago when homeless - he has lived homeless for since age 16 and is now almost 29. Prefers being outside. Sense of some shift with neighbors toward at least being more accepting of the choices dh and I are making to be here for DD. They all have young kids - fears for their own kids facing difficult teen and young adult years in the hardness of our world today.

Will try to check in this week. Thanks for listening.

qcr

Your dh is your life partner who loves you... .let him help.  Each of us has gifts to offer to others... .his may not be expressed as you would express... .that doesn't make them wrong... .only lovely in a different way.



lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

Quick note to say things have settled into a routine with DD now that she is registered with the couseling center and the T may be acceptable to D. She had her first sustance abuse class, and is set up for her EtG & drig testing and the price is very manageable. They are accepting her adult medicaid to pay for all the classes. Bf has been here for a couple days at a time - and was very direct with us about needing time away and to not take it personally - he appreciates our allowing him to be in our family when he is able! As I am able to be calm, focused, centered my family is better too. Validating myself first - that is my KEY after letting God hold my worries.

qcr 

[Esperança_Hope]

Congrats, qcarol

Glad to hear things are going well.  

You are truly very focused and able to accept differences. And your faith certainly leverage your wisdom. It´s grace received through the Holy Spirit.

Would you explain to me how to validate myself? My difficulties in validation, I believe, come from my complete ignorance about the technique of validating myself.

thank you

Esperança

[qcarolr]

Validating myself - hard to get this. When I first read "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", Lundberg this idea is what really caught my attention - that validation only works if I am able to be truly sincere. And to be sincere I have to overcome my deep resentments and anger at the pain and despair carried into my life by DD26. Even coming to understand and accept that this is part of her mental illness acting out - getting in my thinking - it took a lot of time and practice to integrate it into my heart. To find the 'Wise Mind' place of balance. I have been practicing so many skills for about 3 years now.

There are other things I have read that helped me to 'get' taking care of my own needs. I will think on what these are and get back to you.

qcr