Keeping HOPE alive in the midst of chaos, grief, loss, fear, anger, resentment

[qcarolr]

Reading reading reading - books, workshops, articles. Then practicing new ideas, tools, skills over and over and over. Not getting it - reading things again. And writing writing writing so much of my story here. Learning to let go of my defensiveness to listen and hear what so many other wise people here at bpdfamily.com had to say in response. Allow this all to sink in and change how I view so much in my life.

The other books that helped me along the way:

"The Essential Family Guide to BPD", Randi Kreger

"Overcoming BPD", Valerie Porr (though much of what she had to say I resisted hearing at first)

"Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions", Harvey and Penzo (to help with gd7, though helps with DD26 just as much)

"The Power of Validaiton",  Hall and Cook (also to help with gd, but gained so much with DD. Have offered this book for her to read to understand why I do what I do with gd - there is conflict when I over-ride DD's invalidating reactions with GD)

I have learned that I can only change myself - my patterns of behavior, thinking, reactions to others behavior, thinking. Yet as I have started to integrate my new skills (and remember I have been diligently working at this for over 3 years since DD got BPD dx at age 23 on top of her depression, anxiety/panic disorder and bipolar) I see so much improvement in everyone in my life: Dh, gd7, DD26, family, friends, co-workers, neighbors. The darkness in my life is starting to lift. Renewing my spiritual connections has also been a part of this integration - balancing my intellectual drive for knowledge with the love in my heart. Finding 'wise-mind' on a more regular basis.

The other thing I searched out was exposure to DBT skills training and practicing ":)etachment with Love" (Al Anon philosophy) and Radical Acceptance (DBT skill). I read, I worked with the child/family T for my gd7, I worked with a private T for a short period, I participated in a DBT skills group for 10 weeks (referred by T, was for teens and parents/caregivers -- interesting fit as I was raising my gd and really still 'raising'/letting go of my grown daugher. They averaged out to being adolescent!)

Most importantly I just never gave up hope for long - knew I would always love my D no matter what, and even if I could not be in her physical presence. And I learned to stop running away from issues with her and never coming back to them. She asked for this, and I finally heard her. It is just awesomly amazing that we can talk about stuff for the first time in our lives together - like bf stuff, gd stuff, our r/s stuff, her substance use stuff (esp. since she is in our home on house arrest without access to her beloved pot). And she is coping each day with her panics, BOREDOM, and weight gain due to above, and bf not being available for her since he is not willing to be drug/alcohol free. He does respect that he cannot be here to visit unless clean/sober, so he is gone for days at a time. DD quesitons whether he is 'using' her as a recovery house between his absences. She is asking valid questions that I am able to validate with questions in return - or guesses about what he means by what he has shared with me. I am so proud of her. And so fearful of her failing to keep on this path and ending up losing so much by being in jail a year as the alternative. Or taking her life if she fails probation and is on her way to jail. Have to put these thoughts to the back of my mind and give the heart piece up to God who has promised to take care of me if I keep doing this. I am learning to trust this message given to me.

Sorry this got so long - feels good to write my story here. Thanks so much for listening and responding.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi Esperanza,

another way to think about validation is to consider it in terms of unmet emotional needs. We all have unmet emotional needs, but often we just go through life without thinking exactly what they are, and we act out of habit. This is from 'nonviolent communication - a language of life' Rosenberg.

To understand my own unmet needs I looked to my closest values - for me respect is the one that is most important to me. Perhaps because I feel like I have not been treated with respect all my life... .now I hope that I am treating myself with more respect than ever. I do my best to look after my physical and emotional and mental health. I am more aware of these things and I am trying to look after myself first - after all what good am I to anyone if I allow depression to take hold etc.

Then I tried to notice those things that my dh does that upsets me automatically. I try to name his behaviours/words, so I could identify them and then figure out why I get upset. eg, my dh just before got superdefensive when I said something a little angry. He is super defensive so much and doesn't hear me properly. So this defensiveness is an attack on me - not very respectful. Well, ok I need to work on that with him, but in the meantime, I do something that will help me feel respected - I logged on here! Posting here helps me reflect on my own unmet needs and in doing so, I can ease the little aches and pain that all add up.

So, it is the self talk in my head that is my validation. I return to my core value - respect. And I remind myself to behave with respect always and not speak sharply to my poor dh. I tell myself to accept that dh has an issue with feeling that he is picked on and to work with that, not against it. If I want change there, I have to change before he can. I need to detach myself from those things that cause me to have a mild panic, (I had stuffed up an order for another person and dh was complicit in the stuff up) I need to accept those things I am not so good at and work at ways to make them better.

I validate myself in many little ways in action and in thought, I try to fill my own unmet needs. I work to accept what I cannot change, and meet my own needs - they are my responsibility. If I can't meet them, then I need to accept that and work with what I can.

Finally, all of this is about 'me'. Ultimately, I need to let go of my ego and accept that 'it' is not about me.

For you Esperanza I will call on the gospel of St Mark. Jesus said this is my commandment to you, love one another, as you love yourself, for the love of me - or something like that. I translate that as: because I am of the universe and for the universe, I recognise the innate goodness in me and I give to others in loving kindness.

Now I hope that doesn't sound like a whole lot of gobbledegook and I hope it helps. My ideas are big and my words are little vague... .

cheers,

Vivek   

[vivekananda]

And so fearful of her failing to keep on this path and ending up losing so much by being in jail a year as the alternative. Or taking her life if she fails probation and is on her way to jail. Have to put these thoughts to the back of my mind and give the heart piece up to God who has promised to take care of me if I keep doing this. I am learning to trust this message given to me.

And us too. We are with you all the way and are so holding hope in our hearts for you all. qcr, with every step forward there is a consolidation of the good work, good efforts, good communiction - every day builds on the days before. We have good reason to hope.

Is there room to begin to consider some easy self care techniques with dd for when little things irritate, or are you doing that sort of stuff already? When does her CBT begin, or has it? Are you talking with her new T?

so many questions for you eh? and there's another!

lots of love for you and your family,

Vivek      

[Esperança_Hope]

 Hi!

Dear, qcaraolr and Vivek ,

You are teaching me a lot. I bought books on Amazon but have not yet arrived. In the meantime, I have searched, searched through the internet. Unfortunately, here in Brazil we have no specific literature on BPD. I thank the site and because, at the moment is my only place of return consistent. I live in a small town in northeastern Brazil. I´ve and I was born in São Paulo, the largest city in Latin America, but I decided after I retire, come live here in this quieter place. then need to "import" everything. Thanks to internet not feel isolated because I have access to the world but it takes a while for the books to arrive.

 I´ve been in psychoanalytic therapy as a patient for over 25 years. Acquire a good ability to realize my limitations, my neuroses, fears and guilt. During treatment of DS needed, somehow, to modify the way understood things up because the soul being diagnosed with BPD ... DS was just an addict and AN Al-anon and are very rigorous not give much importance to aspects such as the fears, anxieties and pains of an ego that is more porous as I see the DS is. BPD serum is much more painful than addiction, pure and simple. BPD is the pain of a false self ... .someone with a wound exposed burning all the time.

Then, after the relapse of DS, accidents, outbreaks in Indonesia, things took on a different color. My fault increased. And therefore I am very interested in this aspect of validation for myself.

You two are teaching me more than you know.

I have difficulties with the English language as it is not my mother tongue and I struggle to express myself.  I studied English since childhood and had to learn to read and speak for my profession required fluency in English, French and German (this language  . ... never been able).

Qcarolr, your ability to handle circumstances absolutely delicate, complex is great for me. I feel a strong desire to meet you, Vivek , Heronbird, mothers and other women who struggle. My fantasy is to spend days staying at an inn near the house of yours and get to learn from you - my school live! You have no idea how much you help me to understand and be more compassionate when giving your testimony. I hope that after 3 years I will be able to improve. Follow your steps. Your bravery and continence - ability to give lap and at the same time, prepare your daughter for the situations so difficult that she may have to face makes me wonder. See, qcarolr how you are able to enlarge your/our humanity, your love is a rare gem ... .you fight, fight and fight. Persevere. And so I will. In the name of Jesus.

Vivek , I know my best is change myself and through that change, get people around me to learn from me. is a kind of conversion. Christ also taught us well: first convert and after, leave  preaching the Gospel to the example of your own life.

You know, Vivek , my greatest value to me is compassion, peace between people, so that's why I need to fight this together.

I still do not know how to validate myself, my husband and DS. There is a voltage. dh is a righteous man who understands care of DS but I do not want this disease will take us away. I love him very much and do not want him to feel pushed aside because my attention is completely focused on DS. By the other side, DS is my Son! Blood of my blood (I´m so dramatic   ) but my feeling. then need to talk to dh but he doesn´t like a lot of talking so I need to do little things that he loves: food, attention.

This text is getting too long but I feel so good about getting a conversation with you]. I realize that neither time pass.

Thank you. I printed these posts to read and re-read and leaving me drenched with all your knowledge. Thanks so much for all your careful attention. you are like  guardian angels, always present. So pray for you as I pray for my guardian angel all the nights, before go to bed, and every mornings as well.

Vivek , thanks for the words of the Saint Marcus gospel´s words.  It´s hard to love myself!

Now i´ll go to read other posts.

Since I found this site, I spend long periods of my day here like I'm doing another college. A kind of e-learning college. And it's much more than that. Here I magnify my conversion. God bless this site. And certainly, thanks to Him, I found you.

Love

Esperança

[vivekananda]

Esperanza, you are sweet     

You will have learnt that one of the ways that I teach myself what I should do, is by responding to the posts of others... .

I know how you feel about the site here, I feel the same. It has been my lifeline - I shudder to think where I would be without it.

My dh is Spanish born, while he is a sensitive man, I do struggle with his desire to pretend that he can continue in the same way with his dd, he doesn't want to change. He is a difficult man. But I am working on it. 

Cheers,

Vivek  

[qcarolr]

Just an alert - this is kind of a vent about my life. Need to unload my mind tonight before going to bed. Get your cup of tea or coffee and settle in for my story. As dh is going to turn off the bedroom lights, he asks "what are you doing?". I say to him that I am sharing my story with friends out there that are able to listen. I cannot talk in my home about my thoughts (DD is here and I do not want her to over hear, or gd) and I do not have my own T available, I do not have a close friend, the neighborhood moms do not want to hear too much of my story - it is too scary for them with their young kids, some also have issues with emtions and behaviors, my family has isolated themselves from our situation since DD has returned to our home past 16 months. They do not understand my love for her, and how much more distressing her being evicted and homeless was for me and for gd. And I have learned so much on how to better manage myself and maintain my values and boudaries so I can listen quietly to DD -- so she is becoming able to open up with me. And I am all she has right now being detained in our home. But she could be angry and hostile as in the past, yet she is not. She is quiet, and sharing so many of her feelings with me. I have never experienced this level of vulnerablity in her EVER BEFORE. Even as a child she was secret about all her feelings, plans, ideas, stories -- as if sharing them with me she would lose them and become invisible -- lose herself.

About my dh - he is very slowly taking in what i am able to share with him in words, with short articles left on the nightstand or end table, and more importantly by my different actions in our home. He has been so loyal to me, gd and to DD - still being here after so many years of distress. I have always been a moody person myself - depression, suicidal thinking, such self-focus, dissociation for as long as I can remember. This was very bad in college - away from my loving family feeling so lost and alone - so hard to open myself up to friendships. I was always so afraid of people -though this often did not show on the outside.

I came from a big family, oldest girt, felt lots of responsibilities for my siblings ( whether this was anyone else's reality I do not know), lots of babysitting with neighbors as a teen. Always assumed I would be a mom - that I knew what to expect. Married at age 20 - thought I was all grown up. Then the baby never came - so much grieving. Convinced dh the answer was adoption - long wait of 4 years for DD to come into our lives at age 3 weeks. So overjoyed to finally be a mom, did not really hear the troubles that were there in 'cradle care home' - colic, not sleeping, foster family exhausted... .  So DD was a challenge for us from the first day - and I read all the 'difficult child' books, went to therapy for myself -- but see now that I was not at a place to be able to learn what was being taught. So many times offered family therapy that failed - often after only a couple visits. Some of this was dh strong denial that we could not 'fix this ourselves' - the money and time to professionals was a waste. He did not seem to get my distress level - I can know now that he was so very distressed himself, he was doing the best he could. I became very depressed and tried to take my life with meds. overdose when DD was just 5 - dx bipolar, major depression 2 years before. I was actually in a day treatment program and on meds. when I did this OD. I still carry guilt about how this must have impacted my little girl - the abandonment of it that I can know of with the BPD dx when she was 23. Yet I am also able, now, to accept that I was doing the best I could at the time. Back then, I believed that my family was better off without me - that my depression was bringing too much harm into their lives. And I could not walk away.  I am so very very thankful that I was also able to call out for help so that I can be here today. And free for the past 15 years from the constant battle with suicidal thinking - thanks to meds that work for me.

I always tended to put DD's troubles into my own model of mental illness. And she got similar dx at young age as I searched for answers and how to make things easier for her. Age 4 dx ADHD; age 6 violent behaviors (made worse by the ritalin for the ADHD I figured out later) was inpatient at psych hospital dx with bipolar as well, and they discovered a serious non-verbal learning disability. She is very intelligent, but limited in a couple very specific areas in processing information. It has taken me so long to really understand - get into her shoes - about how this has impacted her life.

DD was telling me today, as we processed rumors of her bf being with someone else, and no one calling her, visiting her, seeming to care about her from her group of 'friends' - that she is the stupid one - this is how the homeless clan she has been bonded with for the past 3 years really see her - at least in her own mind.  And she cannot go out and search for bf to confront him, to confront the others - woudl get herself into more trouble anyway    This home arrest is such a good thing for her in some ways - so much effort for me though. I am the substitute friend right now - she so needs me to help her navigate all the forms, appointments, costs and fees, etc etc etc.  And for a change she is able to show me sincere appreciation for all my efforts and time with her. She is not doing her daily pot, though she is on mild tranqualizers for her anxiety and panic. She is starting to get headache - hope not a migraine (this is what medical pot is licensed for). No pot on probation, even if the new law in our state passes next week to make it 'legal' - the same as alcohol is regulated.

Gd tonight said her mom admitted to her that she DOES BELIEVE IN GOD. Gd has been struggling with her mom's comments that believing in God is stupid. To GD, stupid is a very bad word - very powerful. Gd has been very connected to the spiritual world in nature from a very young age. Asking hard questions about God since she was about age 3. I stopped going to church in 1999 when my church went bankrupt, and could not take dh's attitudes toward my going to church anymore - he chose not to go with me, and DD also stayed home as it was too embarrassing to show her learning disability there. Gd and I have been going to church for about 8 months, invited by our close neighbors. Hard for me to meet these new people, gd now not wanting to go - bacause of her mom's comments  ?  But little gd is persistent is questioning her mommy about her beliefs. Maybe DD said she does believe to get gd to leave her alone - this is one of DD's patterns. DD does not see it as 'lying' - only taking care of herself to keep from getting too angry.

Geez - this is such a random conglomeration of thinking tonight. Guess I am wondering wondering about how calm it all is, and trying to take it a day at a time. Always knowing this wonderful light in my home could go dim at any moment. Yet, it is different than any time before in some ways. What are these things? I think there is some level of trust - i have admitted to DD that I was a really 'bad' mom to her at times when she was young - even to the point of emotional abuse when I was so depressed and unavailable to her - saying horrible things. It took so long for the right meds to get invented to manage my bipolarII - lamictal it is for me. And I have worked so hard to become more consistent. And honestly, DD has reached out and demanded for me to listen to her - really listen to her, and stop shutting down and walking away and never wanting to work through the hard stuff with her. And so much of the validation i have done for myself - as Vivek  has been sharing - figuring out what my unmet needs are and taking care of them myself.

So often I have expected others in my life to take care of the unspoken needs - even unspoken within myself. This is especially hard when I was expecting my child, and then grandchild, to know what I needed and to behave in ways that took care of ME.  I think reading 'Screamfree Parenting' is what really turned the corner for me. I forgot about this book. It really focuses on the parent staying calm, taking care of their own needs first, so they can really be there for their kids. Maybe this is the difference I can see in some of my neighbors homes, where there is a quieter environment in general. I have to calm myself first, and remember the goal is to say connected to my child. I also gained this same advice from reading "The Highly Sensitive Child" - as my T suggested after meeting gd at one of our sessions when I could not get childcare. I carry 3x5 cards in my purse (pg 187) with the "What to Do in a Meltdown" and "When the Meltdown Continues" The first step in both sections is to stay in control of yourself. " Remember child is out of control so stay in control of yourself"   "Keep control of your own feelings. Remeber your child is overwhelmed, NOT rejecting you - controlling or manipulating - not wanting to hurt you."  There are 7-8 steps after this first one for each section. This is the one that has helped me the most with both my girls - DD26 and gd7. And everything I have studied to be a better parent with gd than i was able to be with DD has been such a great help with both of them. And with dh too.

I have had to really focus on keeping centered in the relationships in my life. Coming here is so easy for me - spending all my spare moments either reading books or venting my thoughts or gaining perspective reading others posts. I had to cut my time on my computer at home to an 1/8 of the time. I also need more sleep to manage my emotions. DD being on bond for 7 months, then her trial and sentencing and now her house arrest and 2-4 years of probation -- well I have chosen to be here for her. And she has chosen to allow me to be here for her. And we are both working to keep each other accountable for our actions, words and deeds. And it feels so very good to be able to let my loving kindness and compassion flow out into my family uninhibited by my thinking thinking thinking whether this is the right moment for love or not. I have stopped asking others for their opinions about all this - I know that God is here with me and his love is endless so I can get filled back up as I pour out what I have. However anyone here is able to let go and accept the guidance of that power outside themselves - it is worth the risk. I just could not do this under my own will power. This is a lot from the Radical Acceptance practices I started over 2 years ago. My willingness to take on my life for the next moment, then the next moment.

It is working, at least for now. We will see how it is working tomorrow. Bf finally contacted DD today after a 5 day silence and will be here to visit tomorrow. DD has chosen to accept whatever friendship he is able to offer. We had a lot of talk today about needs - hers and his - and what she is willing to accept or not in this relation ship. He is very direct and honest about needing time away - that he is not willing to be sober and clean of drugs all the time here with her (no drugs or alcohol is the #1 house rule now, well #2 after kindness and respect).

We distracted today by folding all her clothes - that were covering the washer/dryer/floor of her room/ shelves in her room and into the family room. She cleaned out her room, and we put them all away in neat stacks on her shelves. What an accomplishment. And I would not let us stop when she wanted to quit - with everything piled around the family room.

It is midnight here now - need to go to bed so can get to work tomorrow. Thank you so very much for any who made it through all this - your are truly my BFF's.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Dear qcarol,

So very good to hear how much growth and peace are taking place in your home and in your relationships with your gd, dh, and dd.  It has not been that long since you were in a quandry about whether or not to allow dd back into the home.  So glad that you are able to benefit from making that very difficult decision.

Remember that no matter how difficult a situation may seem God is working it out for your good... .for your growth and maturity in relation to Him.


lbjnltx

[Esperança_Hope]

 Hi!

Dear qcaraolr,

This text brings good feeling excellent work being done by you and DD. No matter what happened, you both fought hard and survived. you kept the family together and strong. You planted love in solid ground, well built by your courage in face all the suffering with your brave heart and sharp mind open to that pain was redemptive.

Congratulations! You are a source of inspiration. "HOPE alive in the midst of chaos, grief, loss, fear, anger, resentment" and I´d add agape love.

Esperança

[swampped]

Dear qcarol:               You have no idea how your thoughts about all of this BPD business help me as we struggle with our DS, uBPDdil and gd4.  You are an angel  , and I think you are here to help keep me focused on what really is important.  Thank you, ever so much... .  Swampped 

[vivekananda]

qcr   ,

What can I say? Your honesty touches me deeply. I hear disbelief at how well it is working, a fear of what if it changes - as well as strength, courage, determination, kindness and thoughfulness and all those other good things... .

I think that living in the moment, with calmness and respect in your lives must be magic. This is how it should be.

The thing about all this is that each positive builds on previous positives until there is no more room for anything but positives... .that is what you are building a world for your family of positivity, a world of hope where possibilities can become realities.

Keep strong, keep on track using those things that you know work,

returning to you the love that I have felt from you, in bucket loads - building love upon love too eh?

Vivek      

ps sleep well

[peaceplease]

qcr,

How funny that you would say grab a cup of coffee or tea.  I was just thinking, I wish  had some decaf tea to sit and drink while I visit with the "girls" tonight.   

You are doing an amazing job.   I can imagine that it must take a great deal of patience with your dd being under house arrest.   I am so happy that therapy was ordered for her.  And, I hope that she can follow the guidelines to remain out of jail.  It must be really hard for her to want to go talk to her bf, and she is confined to the house.  However, you are doing a great job of distracting her.  I can imagine these things that she is hearing make her want to smoke pot to cope.  I am curious what medication is she on?   

My dh just walked in and wanted to know what I was reading.  I think that sometimes he is worried that I may have found some "cyber" bf.  I spend way too much time on the computer.  And, I have been working on cutting my computer time down.  The computer can lead towards an unproductive day for me.  I am making a day a week that is computer free.  Although, I tell my dh that this is therapy for me. And, I really have no friends that I talk with, either.  However, I have a friend from Canada in town visiting.  All of my friends have moved away.  I miss having a friend to go out with.  I cherish when my friends come back to our hometown for a visit.

ScreamFree parenting sounds like a good book that I would like to check out.

Well, my dh is telling me that it is 11:00 and time to get off.   I guess that is a good idea, anyways.  Time for me to unwind and get ready for bed. 

So, I must say good night.   


peaceplease

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pattyt]

My husband, too, is worried about me coming here.  He said that he thinks it upsets me, perhaps too much talk of our problems with dd.  I told him that whether I am here or not my mind is always on worries with dd.  Besides, he can't stand it if I talk too much about her to him.  He is in pain, still waiting to be scheduled for hip replacement surgery, and even under normal conditions can only hear me go on and on for so long before it starts to upset him.  Trying to find balance between our two different needs.  I need this outlet.  Thanks, everyone, for being here.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a chat room here?  There is one on my menopause site and so nice to talk in real time.

[EmmaB]

I love your words qcarol

[qcarolr]

Update: I have trascribed the following from a message I sent a friend. Even with the intensity the holidays bring for me, and the continuing distress my DD26 is living - she is being open, honest, aware and asking for help in ways that can bring it to her. I am in awe daily of her healing and growth. There is a short Christmas message at the end.

I am really tired so hope this message makes some sense! Feel like I want to share my day yesteday, and it has been so long.

I am drawn to discover a women's ministry, and to have DD join with me in it, to homeless and poverty stricken women. Focused on the individual woman, and working to find her a healthy path. Maybe even to reconnect, if safe, with family. As I listen to DD in her reaching out to share her homeless experiences with me I am so touched by the need - for safety, care ,and for understanding in the broader community. There is something out of balance in the current socio-political emphasis on 'irradicating homelessness'. They speak of providing housing first and other services after that - but I do not see this reality coming any time soon. Lack of funding, lack of broad community support. Women are so dependent on some male to protect them - someone to pull their blanket or sleeping mat up next to - this often forms a tentative relationship that comes and goes. I can so clearly see in DD's stories her solid values, and her strength in keeping her boundaries in place all along her journey. And she seems to know when to give care of some type and when to walk away.

She is so very anxious, panicky about meeting with her probation officer on Thursday - from just sitting in the waiting room he appears to be a very arrogant rooster with a big head. I know this is a judgmental statement. I sense that he will not understand DD's limitations - or he will see them and prey on her weaknesses. She tearfully expressed these same beliefs to me this evening. The probation officer at the court house transferred her supervision to this private provider. I have offered to call with her tomorrow to see if the officer that did her probation evaluation can take her back to do direct supervision. She has opened up so much - her counselor at the clinic where she does her alcohol/drug monitoring and her court ordered alcohol/drug classes has reached made an impression on Lori very quickly. She feels a connection. And she has asked for private counseling - billed to her medicaid - that will meet the CBT ordered by the judge! T has offered to begin this with her this week!

T has motivated DD to realize she wants to be a counselor - starting as an intake counselor at an alcohol/drug recovery clinic. We talked about this - did some searching on the internet. She has no credentials to jump into this. So she seems willing to look for volunteer work to get her foot in the door somewhere. This is so awesome - esp. since only a short month ago she still believed that she had no interest or ability to do anything, and that volunteer work was a waste of time without pay.

She has great fear of going to jail this week because she missed 3 UA's while she was sick with her facial cellulitis. I know and understand her fears of humiliation with a big bandage on her face to go out into public. When we went to see the lawyer it was dark and she pulled her hoody over her face. But how do you say this to a jerk that is supervising her probation! I need her here - she has become such a valuable part of gd's life - and her attentions to gd has balanced some of dh and my frustration in coping with gd7's intensity. DD so gets her daughter, and is wonderful with her - using humor to settle her. We are truly finding the path to co-parenting. DDwent with me to meet with the pdoc last week and expressed her concerns very clearly.

She is also intently looking for a 10-12 hour a week job - dishwasher, bagel shop... .She has registered with online job sites, she has reached out to a few people she knows that live sober lives. One of them is manager at a bagel shop. I called to get a copy of DD’s referral letter from her State Voc. Rehab assessment job last fall - and the reception would not allow her access to the case worker since her case is closed. I have been blocked by this woman before. So I called and left a message with the office supervisor, who I have talked to a few times over the past 3 years, like when DD was needing a job back in 2010 to avoid jail on her other DUI. She ended up spending 30 days in jail - and she cannot tolerate the idea of a one year sentence. I do believe she would be very suicidal if this happens, and would lose so much of what she has gained in the past few months.

This is what has motivated me - I am her life coach. This is more than being her mom. And she is now accepting me in this role - and willing to do all she is able and to honestly let me know when there are demands on her that she just cannot process. She could get so much more if she was dx on the autism spectrum - I do believe this may be her underlying disability. I will pray for her to be heard tomorrow by the probation department. She needs out from under the burden of the private company that seems so heartless to both of us -- everyone that has touched her life there is harsh and judging. You can hear it in the conversations of the receptionist on the phone, of overheard conversations between offices.

Please keep DD in your prayers as we take this on - the probation situation, her release from home detention (both on thursday), her job application at the bagel shop ( her SSI new application was denied again - we are traveling 1.5 hours to the SSI lawyer in Parker Friday to sign releases as she is willing to do the appeal). I think this denial and the long window of an appeal has motivated her to look for work that will not jeopardize the SSI - she must be willing to reveal her situation to the owner and manager a job to be successful for her. She is very conscious of the financial burden she has put on the family and contributes the little she gets from the county. She wants to do more.

This has morphed into a long long story. Guess I am sorting out my thoughts. I want to share a devotional. This gives me hope and courage. And focus during this season of sharing. Accept it as you will from your own spiritual place.

This is from Max Lucado twice daily edition "Grace for the moment". December 1st, evening::

"Sing praises to the LORD... .Tell the nations what he has done." psalm 9:11

You have Christmas every day. Your gift bears, not toys and books, but God himself.

His work: on the cross and in the resurrection. As a result, your sin brings no guilt, and the grave brings no fear.

His energy: it's not up to you. You can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength.

His lordship: he is in charge of you and looks out for you.

His love: what can separate you from it?

Who could imagine such gifts? Who could imagine not opening them?

Make a list of the ways you have been helped through the gifts of God's energy, his lordship, and his love.

My response:

I have a place in this earth, this life.

Peace in myself and peace given in my family

Healing with my neighbors and release from my arrogance and judgments

Giving Him my worries and knowing I will have what I need when I ask.

"And in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

I pray for dh and DD to hear this message through my actions, and gd's witness. I see God working so much good in their lives as well.

And my thoughts and prayers are with all my friends here at bpdfamily.com daily.

qcr

[griz]

Wow, so much going on for you and your DD but it sounds like you both are in a good path.  I will pray for both of you and I hope that all goes well with her probation officer and her job hunt and all else.

Thank you for sharing your devoltion with us.

Griz

[Reality]

qcaroir,

Interesting that you think your dd's underlying disability would be somewhere on the autism spectrum.  A DBT psychologist told me recently she sees an Aspergers diagnosis in the dossiers of many of her clients who later develop BPD.

The details of your story are so encouraging.  Every TLC matters.

Reality

[Esperança_Hope]

Wow, Wow!

Dearest qcr and dearest qcr´s  :)D!

You´re amazing! I´m very happy . This updating gives me hope. You are doing a great job.

It sounds so good this women ministry! This is  amazing!

Qcr, please read this  , in your head, to DD

I will pray for you- DD - when you be heard tomorrow by the probation department. I´ll pray for your guardian angel! For sure you have a very strong and careful one.

Dear Qcr, you worked a lot, you should write a book with dd about all these years recovering your hole family. Your story is a encouraging example i would like to see be shared with many people who still suffer without hope.

I´ll pray tomorrow , i´ll pray today... .

"And in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Love you

[vivekananda]

thank you qcr   

"my peace I give to you, my peace I leave with you, not for love alone, but that you might give it again - to all men" (and women!) a refrain that I sing to myself - from the deep recesses of the past.

Vivek      

[qcarolr]

griz, reality, esperanca_HOPE, Vivek  - thanks so much for taking the time to let me know you are here with my family. It is like my DD has come home to us for the first time in her entire life. I cannot remember greater joy in being with her. She is so worried about going to jail tomorrow because she missed 3 monitoring times though only one was listed on the report as "non-compliant". DD may ask for me to sit in the meeting with her as a silent observer - she is willing to ask for this accomadation for her cognitive disability  Finally - taking care of herself in a productive way.

qcr

[vivekananda]

good luck and letus know how it goes, ok?

thinking of you and yours,

Vivek      

[peaceplease]

qcr,

You and family in my thoughts and prayers.   I am in awe of how much your dd has progressed.

 


peaceplease

where is the heart icon?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

where is the heart icon?

Guess it disappeared for holiday greetings. will hope for it to return next year 

[qcarolr]

DD is free of her ankle bracelet - the deputy let her cut it off herself today while I paid at the money kiosk at the jail. Then she checked in with her probation officer - with the report of this success. Everyone at the probation office was in a good mood today. They were so very grumpy last month. Maybe the Christmas spirit has ahold of them - the lobby was nicely decorated. Whew. Done with that for another month. And they did not as her do to a UA as she had been told. Guess they are trusting her clinic as she also brought their report for UA's and receipts for her classess. She has only missed when she was sick with her facial infection which is totally healed - and the 4 days of IV antibiotics seems to have cleared up some other lingering illness - she says she has more energy than in a long time. Or she was growing out of her cocoon - from a hungry caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly...   When I said this to her she said - well butterflies can get into trouble too. Not if they are cautious where they fly!

So now I get the chance to share some of DD's story - I too am in awe of her growth while she was cocooned in our home for 45 days. She did a lot of pondering. She gave with joy to her daugther, dogs and appreciation daily to dh and I for allowing her to be in our home and providing the financial support for her to even do house arrest and probation. She also knows that this will be withdrawn, at least the fianacial part, if she lets down her guard and does not comply with the probation. I did this in 2009 with her first DUI, though I was so very enabling of her with her drug using friends for 6 months before we evicted her.

We have talked several times about the events of that year, and for the couple years before that. She is sharing stories of her life homeless that I can hear now. I could not have taken them in even a couple months ago - I would have shut them out, withdrawn to my computer and books. I am awe of how I have grown. She has openly answered my honest questions about her drug use - what it was like, how it made her act, if she was high those times she was raging and we called the police. She is asking for me to go with her to next pdoc appt. and ask for Adderal. She is accepting the ADD that was first dx when she was 4. I think her daughter's recent dx with ADHD and anxiety -  and the benefits we see from a non-stimulant med for the anxiety and hyperactivity - and her visit with me to gd's pdoc last week - all these have opened her mind to her own need. And she can sense that she could think so much more clearly when she used small amounts of meth - and was in trouble if she used too much - and she wants to have this effect in a safe, monitored way. She talks of 'checking out' when not on anything - not sure if this is some kind of dissociation or other neurlogical event. She sees how gd is able to communicate her ideas, stories, needs, feelings and that she could never do this as a child, and often as a young adult. She is accepting that there is a processing link in her brain that is just not there. This is the non-verbal learning disability (right-brain based injury most likely pre-natal or genetic). I told her when we were talking today that all the neurphsych testing done since age 6 has been consistent in this profile of how her thinking works. Also the T at her clinic for her probation monitoring and counseling seems to really 'get' DD's issues - naming them with her and then DD says 'yes, that is what is going on!'. There is so much hope here that she will be able to participate in the CBT. She listens when I say you can learn so much to help you move forward in your life with the therapy.

She also practiced letting go of her bf since she was not able to follow him around out in the world - she has been a stalker with ex's.  He has been a really good friend for the past 3 years. They each were always in another r/s. Now they are trying to be together. DD stated that they each have lots of issues to work throught on their own in order to be together. So she knows when they start bickering they need to seperate for a bit. M leaves often for several days. Then he is back playing with gd and laughing with DD. DD also has told us how she appreicates our letting him be here with her during her house arrest. She had only one other friend come for a single visit during her conooning. She is anxious, or maybe just cautious, about going back out. The friend that visited offered for her to come hang out at her apt. tomorrow (formerly a homeless person) and she would walk downtown with her to support her being clean and sober around those that will not be.

I can see so many of the skills I have practiced being taken up by DD from my modeling them with her in a calm way. And she holds me accountable when I am not using my skills. And gd gives us such creative ways to communicate - she writes her needs on her little dry-erase board when it feels like she is not being heard. "No Yelling" "I am not listening" "you are not listening". And then she plays fun work games with us from stuff she is learning as a 2nd grader.

And DD has some goals - she loves funky clothes, well both she and M do. And M sews his own cool stuff on his from his dumpster treasures with needle and dental floss. Awesome appliques. He has what DD calls his "internet window shopping addiction", so knows the value of this type of design. DD would like to start an ebay business designing and selling their fashions. I would have to teach M how to sew as I can help with the business side but do not want to be the labor side. I totally support their attempts to make this work at even a small level. And she sincerely wants to get into some organization to learn on the ground how to be an intake couselor in a recovery setting.

She told me today that she grew up 40 years while she was homeless - all crammed into 3. And she has a great intuition about when it is time to leave a situation before crimes are commited and others are arrested. I saw this even in her high school days when others got in trouble - she left before that. And her values of what is right - they are strong. She has so much to give to her world, and she wants to give it.

All this could become undone if she has a police contact, even an innocent one, with an officer with attitude and end up in jail. I am so relieved that we hired a lawyer for her to request a retrial - and to cope with this as her advocate in jail if that were to happen. I am not able to be there for her - the lawyer would have access not allowed and knows how to do the process. So this gives me, and DD, a small measure of peace of mind.

And seems to know if she gets back into the meth crowd it will come undone as well. She has changed in the past 45 days. I told her this today. And we talked about God, and spirit, and life and death, and philosophy and religion and oh so much more that I never knew was in her mind for so much of her life. She is trying so very very hard.

I am surely just dumping my mind and heart here tonight. It is late and I need to go to bed. Long drive tomorrow for 15 minute meeting with SSI appeal lawyer in morning - she is filing appeal for newest SSI denial. And DD is so peaceful about this. And so am I. This is certainly an aspect of radical acceptance at work.

Bad stuff can still happen yet there is so much less suffering when able to fully and radically accept those things we have no control over. Those worries are so pointless and energy wasted. We talked about this today too.

Okok -- off to bed now. Well keep you posted. THanks so much for sharing life with me.

qcr

[Thursday]

 

In lieu of <3

Wishing all of you the best Christmas season EVER.

Thursday

[lbjnltx]

So very amazed at the blessings you have been given... .keep believing in miracles.

[peaceplease]

   Wow!  Miracles indeed!  Great silver linings along her journey.  I continue to keep you and family in my prayers.   


peace

[Reality]

qcaroir,

Your story of radical self-acceptance and trust in your self as you are is very moving.  You are in your place, standing tall and sure.  I have just caught up with all the details.  Your letter to the court is a masterpiece and I am going to save a copy in my files, as it details so brilliantly your daughter's life.  

She is very intelligent, but limited in a couple very specific areas in processing information. It has taken me so long to really understand - get into her shoes - about how this has impacted her life.

(This is your quote that I copied.)

I am very interested in knowing more about your daughter's non-verbal learning disability, as I am trying to piece together my son's ways.  I realize that you are probably too busy to answer; however, if you have any time, I would appreciate some information.  I am already doing little bits of advocacy for BPD and I am meeting with educators and medical people and I would like to be as well informed as possible.  Sorry to hi-jack your thread.

Reality

[pattyt]

qcr,

An amazing story.  I've followed the details for the while I've been here.

So glad that things have progressed to this point with you and your family. 

So much promise lies ahead.

[vivekananda]

How far we have come! What wonderful good news!

You and your dd are an inspiration... .who would have guessed it was possible... .you did! we did! It all works!

happy days 

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Now the most challenging time has begun for DD - being out with her friends after her 45 day retreat. She did check in yesterday that she was going to 'stay out'. I expect to see her home later today - it is very windy and cold. Prayin for her friends to support her sobriety even as they are not. Is this wishful thinking on my part? Maybe, maybe not.

Reality - yes there is much self-acceptance in the journey I am on and all the skills and new ways of thinking impact my feelings and actions. Learning to be in 'Wise Mind' so much more often and returning to it more quickly. Also an acceptance of no power over others. Acceptance that I have no right to judge them in their actions and words. I cannot be in their minds or hearts to truly know anything other than what is shown by others words and actions filtered through my own mind and heart. My thinking is really very rapid these past few days. Hope this makes some sense. Point I am trying to make is Radical Acceptance is so much more that self-acceptance. It is acceptance of so much that is outside myself and my response as being willing to participate fully in each day as it comes. I am a ver very willful person - this practice has been hard for me.

I gained so much by doing the DBT skills class about a year ago - gave me access to the whole spectrum of the skills. The class spent almost no time on the Radical Acceptance piece. What has come to me recently about that class is the need to learn the skills before being able to process traumatic feelings and patterns that grew from those feelings to make changes in how we live day to day.

For DD I had to step back from presurring her to do therapy - she was not ready. She did not have the skills to manage her emotional dysregulation enough to gain from therapy. Somehow she has gained some skills from being in our family and my modeling new skills and patterns with her. My response to her being new and non-judgmental has given her new tools. Also being off street drugs and accepting rx drugs in their place may be having an impact. She is asking me to help her get stimulant meds for her ADD thinking - a trial fo these. And to lose the 30 pounds she has gained on the trazedone and boredom eating while locked at home. She DOES NOT WANT TO TURN TO METH AGAIN TO LOSE WEIGHT AND BE ABLE TO FOCUS ON HER GOALS. This would undo her progress both in her thinking and in her success with probation.

I also am aware that I need to be cautious about being arrogant and prideful in the impacts on my family. They are doing a lot of work too.

Gd is home from "Camp Christmas" at church, so my break is over. Thanks for listening to my ramble today.

qcr