He keeps saying he wants to move out...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This has been ongoing for months now, he's recently been on 'vacation' across the country to see his birth-mother and daughter (from a marriage that ended years ago) and I have the feeling his mother could have talked him into leaving, saying he was better off alone, etc. First of all, how would she know? She ditched him most of his life and so did his father... .Is this another 'test'? I've read that you shouldn't let them leave, he never insinuated that we'd break up but I'd take it as that... .He blames the cost of our apartment (which is less than he paid when he lived alone, and also the reason he moved in) Just seems... .odd. He says my contributing is 'too little too late' although I've always spent all my money on the two of us, and his child when I took a month off work to watch her... .I don't know, seems like typical BPD behavior? What am I suppose to say? The last few times I've said 'Yeah, if that's what you want, then you should do it.' Then eventually he breaks down and says he doesn't want to move out, etc. I'm having a hard time planning my life around 'this'... .Any help?

[xoPatience]

This has been ongoing for months now, he's recently been on 'vacation' across the country to see his birth-mother and daughter (from a marriage that ended years ago) and I have the feeling his mother could have talked him into leaving, saying he was better off alone, etc. First of all, how would she know? She ditched him most of his life and so did his father... .Is this another 'test'? I've read that you shouldn't let them leave, he never insinuated that we'd break up but I'd take it as that... .He blames the cost of our apartment (which is less than he paid when he lived alone, and also the reason he moved in) Just seems... .odd. He says my contributing is 'too little too late' although I've always spent all my money on the two of us, and his child when I took a month off work to watch her... .I don't know, seems like typical BPD behavior? What am I suppose to say? The last few times I've said 'Yeah, if that's what you want, then you should do it.' Then eventually he breaks down and says he doesn't want to move out, etc. I'm having a hard time planning my life around 'this'... .Any help?

[shannah]

The real question is, what do what do you want, and where are you in the relationship? Do you want to stay or leave? Other than the planning that you have a hard time with, are you getting something out of the relationship?

I don't know about this "you should never let them leave". I certainly would if I were unhappy.

Staying together if that is what you want, is a choice too, but get help from a T so that his behavior doesn't wear you down.

[xoPatience]

I want things to work out. I'd like to stay. I have been reading 'Getting the Love You Want' lately and have decided that the only way it will work is if we both give equal effort to do so. Even with the BPD, I think every couple has difficulty regardless. I spoke in great detail with a male friend who also has BPD and having the same sort of 'fights, etc' with his girlfriend. Yes, I do want to see a T and I've been working too much (I know it's an excuse, but I've been exhausted) and found some free counseling nearby that I'm going to call this weekend when I have a day off:) Thanks

[justin_a_lyesse]

xoPatience, the "I want to leave" business is typical BPD behavior. It's the push/pull in them that does this. Unfortunately without serious therapy it will not stop. Ever. You have to ask yourself, are you willing to put up with it in the long term. It is totally exhausting. I did it for 4 years and finally ended the relationship this past June. It was very hard the first couple of months (even though I was the one who ended it), but now I feel 100% better. I'm back to being the person I used to be.

Bottom line is that the choice is yours. Staying will give you a lifetime of difficulties and leaving will hurt but only temporarily. With time you detach, move on and continue with a normal life.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. 

[xoPatience]

Thank you. He moved out last month, and broke up with him just after Christmas. I told him I was willing to 'go on a break' and find ourselves, and if we wanted to try later, we could. He came back to me after starting dating essentially a younger version of myself. The lies got really bad and I'd slept with him before I knew (even though I felt he was lying, I wanted to believe him) Since the story kept changing 'I kissed her, but didn't feel anything' to progressively more 'She was sitting on me half naked, but I stopped her when she grabbed for me'... .  My intuition spoke up and told me he was wrong. Plus last weekend he seemed like he was trying to hard. He seemed guilty. I betrayed myself by going back... .    :'( I got the girls phone number and texted her. I asked for the truth. Before I got a reply, he admitted to sleeping with her. I felt something really heavy in my chest and started shaking and crying. He tried to comfort me but I pushed him away. I suddenly felt dirty, betrayed and all around dumb for trying to see the good. He said he'll do anything to get me to forgive him. I don't know why he did this. I know he doesn't know either and thats the worst part. I was just getting back to being me, and he claims that when he saw the 'me' he fell in love with, he felt terrible for betraying me. I explained that it wasn't the act of sleeping with someone else, nor was it that he did the opposite of what he said he promised me, but the fact that he didn't disclose this information when I'd asked him to, before we slept together, or multiple times while before and after. We had spent the whole weekend together and this all came up because I had met the girl before. Her and I have a mutual friend and I had asked him to talk to her about this. I had a feeling something was wrong. I wish I'd written to her far before this, when I first had the bad feeling, maybe I could have saved her. I've kept in contact over the last 2 days with her and have explained my side of what he's done. We've been able to clear some lies and I honestly think that it's helped. Unfortunately, or maybe not, he'd deleted all the texts and facebook proof of this new relationship. The sick thing is that I could have checked his phone last weekend and likely would have seen it all. He's booked a therapist appointment with his BPD councillor for both of us, and I want to go. I've sent her a few emails to let her know my side and hopefully meeting with both of us, will help me clear my head of what happened. The girl told me they didnt use condoms. She said it happened a few times. He only said it was once and a mistake. She said they did all acts, oral, sex. ugh. I know I'm not suppose to take this personally, but how? I get that he's sorry, and confused. But finding someone who essentially has the same body type, hair and eye colour? Is that typical? I spoke with his ex wife whom told me last year that he'd done the same to her when they were on a break. Except they were married and had a baby. He says he's finally hit rock bottom. He downloaded a few books on his kindle and has been reading them. He knows he messed up. I don't know what happens now, but walking away seems best for both of us right now. I feel like I could have forgiven him if he'd told me the truth... .  this is hard.

[Newton]

xoPatience... .  that sort of betrayal must have been a real shock to you... .  

If you can manage the time and money I think a therapist for yourself would be a great idea... .  

If you did go back to him is the lying and drama worth the good times?... .