87 hours of NC just ended - II

[chuckstrong]

Hi all

this is my continued 87 hours of NC just ended... .part 1 locked at 4 pages... .i just want to say THANK YOU

to everyone who has offered me support and advice regarding my seemingly never ending

push/pull nightmare with my BPDxgf... .

the latest update... .last night the text exchange continued(after 3 days NC)... .i recieved a xmas card from my BPD xgf and her kids... .then around 9pm for the second straight night she called another 30 min plus conversation this time with her daughter (age 9)chatting as well... .very pleasant and nice but of course as usual left me wanting more... .all about her and her needs as usual... .time for me to make something of a stand and express what i want here too... .

what im doing now isnt working its just frustrating and only serving to help HER detatch i guess... .whenever we go NC for 3 or more days she gets "sad" and reaches out to remind me she loves me/misses me but still cant be with me and if she would see me now it would be a setback because she would want to touch kiss hold me but she cant... .

this whole thing is so classic BPD its not funny... .even me in my co-starring role as co-dependent

NON who just cant find the strength to break free... .like ive said before im ok at NC myself usually

but when she reaches out i melt like butter in the summer sun... .

xmas is making this worse as we have but 2 weeks to go... .do i try to make it thru xmas with LC then go NC after xmas? gifts for her kids? her?

i just dont know what to do... .i love her and i want her back... .i do... .but this illness... .its too much... .so what to do? at some point soon i need to tell her either way... .i do not want to be the backup until

she finds her next PERFECT () man... .like many have told me her i should want more than

shes giving me now... .i deserve more... .i think its time i told her that... .time to show her im not

gonna wait around for her... .but the classic CATCH22 is this... .

even if i manage to get her back again nothing will have changed really... .it will happen again

she has BPD and BPD ALWAYS wins... .im gonna lose so why not cut my losses now... .im sure many of

us on these boards have asked ourselves the same question and many have gone NC to facilitate that.

with everyone's help here ill get there i will do the same eventually i hope ... .THANK YOU and GOD BLESS each and everyone of you awesome people here... .i wish everyone the best this is SO freaking hard.


Chuck

[hithere]

I moved out and ended up being the back-up while she searched for my replacement, basically we would meet, she would look me over and say "yep, still hooked on you" we would have sex, hang-out and then eventually she found a new victim.  It finally helped me move on.

So you might be stuck till then.  If you want to do the right thing for you, then you should go NC right away and try and stick with it.

[chuckstrong]

thanks hithere

good advice no doubt... .trying but i seem to get sucked back in whenever she tells me she is lonely and sad and missing me... .22 hours NC as of now... .

Chuck

[tuum est61]

Chuck,

Forgive me if I missed it - I only scanned the locked down thread - but I don't see anything you are doing differently to change things up. 

You talk a LOT about the length of the latest NC, the latest "pull" she throws your way, and a lot about how you understand BPD, but what are you doing for you? 

What activities or connections with friends or family have you reinitiated? 

What are some things that you used to do before you met her or stuff you've always wanted to do? 

[chuckstrong]

hi tuum

im spending lot of time at the gym... teaching tennis lessons and working out alot... .

lots of time in the library on these boards and with my kids as well... .anything not to think about the next text,email or call... .cause when it comes i melt like butter... .she is a pro at reeling me back in whenever she thinks im slipping away... .one day at a time... .never been addicted to drugs or booze but i can tell you withdrawal from my BPDxgf is freaking bruuuuutal. Need to change things up I need to be less available and at her beck and call... .that's my goal... .lets see how i do.

Chuck

[tuum est61]

hi tuum

im spending lot of time at the gym... teaching tennis lessons and working out alot... .

lots of time in the library on these boards and with my kids as well... .anything not to think about the next text,email or call... .cause when it comes i melt like butter... .she is a pro at reeling me back in whenever she thinks im slipping away... .one day at a time... .never been addicted to drugs or booze but i can tell you withdrawal from my BPDxgf is freaking bruuuuutal. Need to change things up I need to be less available and at her beck and call... .that's my goal... .lets see how i do.

Chuck

Chuck,

It's good to hear you've got these other things going on.  I really had nothing going and so it was a big shift for me and my W, when I started seeing my daughters again, going out for walks with the dogs, participating in vintage car club activities with my father.

Have you increased the amount of time at the gym and tennis lessons, library, kids, etc? Have you received complaints from your gf about the extra time?  

To some extent, I don't think we should focus on making ourselves less available - let is just be a result from focusing on doing things to make us healthier and feel better.  Let those activities generate the NC/LC, rather than the other way around.

[chuckstrong]

Tuum

She certainly hasnt/can't complain

as she hasn't been my GF since she broke

up with me on sept 1 ( for the third time).

We rarely talk ( saw her once nov 3) since then ... many texts to be sure I'm still hooked . additionally,   

No matter what I'm doing I have always responded

to her anyway so I'm sure it doesn't really

matter to her I'm busy. Cause I've proven

(sadly) that I'm never too busy for her to keep

subjecting me to BPD h***.

Chuck

[tuum est61]

Tuum

She certainly hasnt/can't complain

as she hasn't been my GF since she broke

up with me on sept 1 ( for the third time).

We rarely talk ( saw her once nov 3) since then ... many texts to be sure I'm still hooked . additionally,   

No matter what I'm doing I have always responded

to her anyway so I'm sure it doesn't really

matter to her I'm busy. Cause I've proven

(sadly) that I'm never too busy for her to keep

subjecting me to BPD h***.

Chuck

First, I get how hard this is for you.  I am still with my W and might end up facing a similar situation if I we were to separate, so I can certainly empathize with you and of course give you advice that not even I might be able to keep! 

Of course it doesn't matter to her that you are busy.  But who is subjecting who to her BPD if you keep responding?

You mention in your lead post that what you are doing is "helping HER detach"

What you are doing is helping her NOT to detach.   You are facilitating a mutual enmenshment by responding as your are to her texts. 

I'm not big on recommending NC or even LC, but if you are moving on, you need to respond in a manner that says you are moving on.  If you aren't moving on, then I suggest you in fact detach from her emotions, continue to set or in fact set some boundaries, and validate how she is feeling as best as you can - and see where things go.  One boundary to set is in fact that you are "too busy" to respond sometimes.

Where are you at using validation?

[chuckstrong]

update

5 days NC (the all time record and counting)... .feeling a little bit stronger everyday... .

the big challenges will be when/if she contacts me and xmas but ill cross those bridges when

i get to them. so for today im gonna keep taking care of chuck and what i want/need.

trying hard to get her out of my mind... .cant help but wonder tho does she even give

this/ me a second thought at this point or is it all about her search for her next form of

narccissistic supply. i guess its sad but true BPD always wins.

Chuck

[Validation78]

Hey Chuck!

I think wondering what, when, where, how she is doing is completely normal. It's all part of the grieving process, and when folks have a parting of the ways, BPD or not, we must work our way through it. I hope it gets easier as time marches on, and that you continue be strong, and take care of yourself. Be ready for the moments you may feel weak by being good to yourself in the moments you feel strong!

I do want to say one other thing though, about your comment that BPD always wins. I try not to see any of what we go through as win/lose. As my best friend frequently reminds me, no matter how this all ends up for me, I will be better for it. If things get better and the relationship survives, it's good. If things don't get better and the relationship doesn't survive, I am also better for it, and it's good! I don't win or lose. I (we) can move on, learn about ourselves, do what we have to to take care of ourselves, and be the best we can be!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[chuckstrong]

WOW... .i made it a whopping 6 days before i broke NC last night... .wrote and sent an impassioned long

email to her last night about xmas, the kids, missing her et al... .what the heck ... .she hasnt responded which is

very surprising so now im left wondering thinking what a mistake it was... .i needed to have her tell her

daughter why i wasnt giving her a gift among other feeble excuses i guess in my mind but at the time

it felt SO good to write it and i felt close to her while i was doing so... .i have mixed emotions about her lack of response and was going to text her today and ask her again if she was ok and got the email... .

thankfully i havent done that and now resolve once again to leave her alone... .back again to good ole

NC... .like someone said here if her feelings had materially changed she knows how to reach me... .i

just gotta let it go... .for good i hope... .i think shes actually trying to shield me from her hurting me

again... .at least thats what she said in her love you/miss you but we need NC email last Friday.

So, does the clock start again? did i mess up? am i an idiot?

what about xmas?

This is truly the hardest thing ive ever been thru in my life. Hope i make it.

God bless everyone here suffering in similar fashion.

Comments/suggestions of course welcome

Chuck (not feeling so) Strong

[HappyHeart]

I told my therapist last night that this (breaking up with a BPD) was the hardest thing I had ever been through in my life. Period. Harder than watching my dad suffer for a year before finally dying. Harder than being a lesbian in a Catholic high school in the 80s, long before Madonna and others made it cool. Harder than my best friend of 12 years dying suddenly in his sleep. Harder than visiting (on my birthday) my soon to come home from the hospital sister-in-law, then getting home and receiving a call that she had died without any warning. 

Hang in there. I've heard that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. That's what Kelly C. sings anyway.

[mssomebodynice]

Chuck,

I just want to remind you that you are strong.  You are Chuckstrong! 

[chuckstrong]

Chuck (strong?) Xmas day update:

After a week of NC we exchange emails a couple days ago... .long drawn out emails... .updates on

life kids etc. and her saying the same thing over and over... ."love you miss you but we cant be together

because i know i cant give you what you want and i need to be alone etc. etc... .So... .yesterday i get

a text from her says "may i invoke the holiday exception and call you later to wish you merry xmas?... .OF COURSEi say oh yea sure that be great and an all day text fest ensues after zero texts for 9 days... .she loves me misses me and cant wait to talk later... .we both kid free till noon today so i am envisioning a Christmas hook up/rekindle/miracle... .instead she calls at 930 and we have a 1 and a half hour converstion very pleasant till the end when she gets "sad" again... .we hang up and i get the following text around midnight

" sobbing... .sad... .lonely... .missing you so much ... .talking probably wasnt a good idea but it was nice

to hear your voice though. Thank you for talking and making me smile. Not sure we should do it again anytime soon but thank you. I hope you and the boys have a great day tomorrow. I love you."

That was it so i went to bed... .solo somewhat sad as it snowed outside on xmas eve.

So even tho we both were free till noon today no suggestion we meet in person... .too hard

for her she says... .so frustrating!

And now this morning a " just wanted to say hi- Merry Christmas " voice mail... .

what the heck gonna be hard all over again when the next round of NC starts probably tomorrow... .

will there ever be any light at the end of this tunnel... .driving me crazy... .literally

a friend texted me today and time for me to listen... .he said----chuck stop making someone a priority

who makes you an option... .maybe i should heed that advice in 2013... .

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone and as usual comments/suggestions/opinions welcome!

Chuck

[GreenMango]

Chuck have you checked out the Choosing a Path lessons?  We can get caught in this whirlpool of emotions easily and it's confusing.

Like Tuum and Val are saying being in/wanting a relationship with a person who struggles emotionally with BPD can be very difficult ... .it requires some clarity and changing how we respond.

[chuckstrong]

Mango

ill check that out,,,,,,NC crushed past two days... .she just called for second time today... .she's "sad"... .and

texting all day... .must be an Xmas thing... .ill bet $ she heads back into her shell tomorrow

and i can start yet another NC clock... .and round and round we go!

am i the only one here who is good at NC personally but when BPD gf breaks it and "needs me"

i melt like butter... .the addiction has really got the best of me... .lets see if in 2013 i come to my

senses and end this madness once and for all... .anyone think i can?

Chuck

[Washisheart]

You're not alone Chuck.

I swear off my BPDxbf, then he shows up with his big brown eyes & it's over. I want so badly to believe him. I want to believe he FINALLY loves me the way I love him & this time we are actually going to be ok.

 

I am still waiting for those big brown eyes to show up at my door. My heart is waiting for the promises. And if they get here, I will resent them/doubt them. But that tiny flicker of hope will let him back in.

[GreenMango]

One of the biggest mistakes I made was letting a person with a mental illness lead.

Just a thought here bit the holidays seem to be consistent trigger.  If you want to be in a relationship no contact will make this dance worse.  It's a very unproductive way to handle it for both of you.  Its obviously hurting ya both.

Taking some space and time to think about what you need, your boundaries/values,, radical acceptance and how to communicate that with her.

Have you read up on SET amd Dearman?

[chuckstrong]

update:

the AGONY continues... .back to NC 41 hours... .since last text from her... .she loves me but "everyone" thinks

we should have nothing to do with each other and she agrees... .this after tons of calls and texts from dec 22-dec 28

i had the nerve to suggest we get together this weekend and sleep over after she tells me thu night i "am so freaking horny" , now im a bad person because how i dare i suggest we "ruin our beautiful relationship" by havinging

a meaningless sex sleep over.i explained could care less about the sex just wanted to hold her... .she baited me... i took

the bait and she lambasted me for it saying "SEE this is why we should have NC" " i thought you were different"

REALLY? what the heck?

So safe to say we havent spoken since friday when she texted me at 1130pm as i was at a bar and said" fell asleep at 10 just saw this... .drive careful... .i love you... .

ZERO contact since and im in agony again... .it gets worse evert time... .i fell for her "holiday exception call and text... .she reeled me back in to discard me again... .is SICK so SICK... .

i listen to James Blunt song "goodbye my Lover" over and over and check my phone every 10 minutes... .like i said

its SICK... .at least i have not called or texted in 2 days... .gonna let her hopefully be alone

its my only shot either way... .

HELP please? this is unadulterated hell... .now i see why NC NC NC is the only way... .but it sucks too!

Chuck (strong?)

[mssomebodynice]

Sometimes we have to continue the pain just to remind ourselves to avoid it next time.  The mind games are really painful.  You can do this.  If you fall, well then... .pick yourself back up and try again.  I, like everyone here, understand the pull, and the push.  It is my belief that they will never stop.  It will be never-ending, unless we can make it stop.  Someone wrote this on their thread and I like it:

My dog likes to bring me his rope to tug with.  I pick it up and so it begins push/pull, push/pull.  If I don't pick up the rope... .the game never begins.  Hugs.

[GreenMango]

What Ms. said about not picking up that tug of war rope works.  Sometimes it helps to refocus on healthier things for you.  Do you have some structure and support in your life you can refocus on while you find your bearings?

[chuckstrong]

NC again 3 days! I can do it even tho it's

hard but if she texts or calls or emails it's

SO hard not to respond. Wonder if I'll get a

New Year's contact? I have literally typed many

texts the last few days. Miss u . Hope u are ok.

Thinking about you. Thank God I erased em all

before sending. Getting off heroin or cocaineHAS to be

easier than this.

Happy New Year to everyone suffering here.

God Bless you all.

Chuck

[tuum est61]

Good for you in deleting those texts. That is real change. Congratulations!

Picking up on what GM says, what are you doing in the New Year that represents some structured activities relative to this relationship that get you out of the rut you slid into in 2012?