Did BPD Boyfriend Ever love ME

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex boyfriend is BPD, bipolar and ADHD

So I'm going through a really hard time right now because my boyfriend broke up with me today.

We've had a really rocky relationship. We met about a year and a half ago and for about 8 months he would go back and forth. He would like me for a couple of days or weeks. He would kiss me and hug me and do all of that stuff, and then suddenly he would say that I made him do that and he only did it because he thought I wanted him to. So, he would say he doesn't want romantic feelings and just wants to be friends because he wants to date other people and party. I went along with this and stayed his friend. Then the cycle would begin again. He would be affectionate but then after a couple of days/weeks would say I wasn't attractive to him and that he just wanted to be my friend.

Five months ago we started talking again and became official boyfriend/girlfriend two months after that.

A week later he took too much provigil (?) and had a big coffee and said he forgot to take his depakote so he went manic and cheated on me with is ex. After five hours he called telling me this elaborate lie, but then later on in the day he confessed he had cheated.

I took him back because I thought he made a mistake, it was a one night stand and he was manic.

Things were good for about 2 months except for trust issues i was trying to get over.

Then he started outpatient care and then got hospitalized to get his meds straightened out.

He's been in there for two weeks and getting out tomorrow.

Its been hard for me and him that he's in there and the past three days he was acting strange

Today he told me he lied about loving me to just keep me around and he kissed me, bought me 2 expensive teddy bears and cuddled with me and did everything with me because he thought thats what i wanted him to do... .when three days ago i was his love and he only had eyes for me?... .then he said i'm either his friend again or nothing.

I told him I couldn't take this anymore because its been a rollercoaster and then he proceeded to kick me out of his room without a tear.

I'm just so confused, I can't believe he never loved me... .but he's supposed to be stable now so what if he did lie to me about loving me as more than a friend. I'm just drained and want some clarification which he can't give me.

He says he's a horrible person and he's no good for me!

[cookiedough]

My ex boyfriend is BPD, bipolar and ADHD

So I'm going through a really hard time right now because my boyfriend broke up with me today.

We've had a really rocky relationship. We met about a year and a half ago and for about 8 months he would go back and forth. He would like me for a couple of days or weeks. He would kiss me and hug me and do all of that stuff, and then suddenly he would say that I made him do that and he only did it because he thought I wanted him to. So, he would say he doesn't want romantic feelings and just wants to be friends because he wants to date other people and party. I went along with this and stayed his friend. Then the cycle would begin again. He would be affectionate but then after a couple of days/weeks would say I wasn't attractive to him and that he just wanted to be my friend.

Five months ago we started talking again and became official boyfriend/girlfriend two months after that.

A week later he took too much provigil (?) and had a big coffee and said he forgot to take his depakote so he went manic and cheated on me with is ex. After five hours he called telling me this elaborate lie, but then later on in the day he confessed he had cheated.

I took him back because I thought he made a mistake, it was a one night stand and he was manic.

Things were good for about 2 months except for trust issues i was trying to get over.

Then he started outpatient care and then got hospitalized to get his meds straightened out.

He's been in there for two weeks and getting out tomorrow.

Its been hard for me and him that he's in there and the past three days he was acting strange

Today he told me he lied about loving me to just keep me around and he kissed me, bought me 2 expensive teddy bears and cuddled with me and did everything with me because he thought thats what i wanted him to do... .when three days ago i was his love and he only had eyes for me?... .then he said i'm either his friend again or nothing.

I told him I couldn't take this anymore because its been a rollercoaster and then he proceeded to kick me out of his room without a tear.

I'm just so confused, I can't believe he never loved me... .but he's supposed to be stable now so what if he did lie to me about loving me as more than a friend. I'm just drained and want some clarification which he can't give me.

He says he's a horrible person and he's no good for me!

[OTH]

 

It sounds like he is having a very difficult time emotionally. Hopefully he can get proper medical help and begin feeling a better. It probably isn't a great idea to try and have a romantic relationship with him during this time. Maybe give him some space to see if he can get his life back in control? He is just getting out of the hospital. Considering how dysregulated he has been he probably has great difficulty understanding his own emotions. How are you?

[doubleAries]

Hi cookiedough, and 

You've come to the right place! I for one, certainly understand what you are going through. My soon to be ex husband is bipolar (with psychotic features), ASPD and NPD. We lived together for almost 2 years and then got married 16 years ago. We just seperated less than 3 weeks ago.

The roller cosater is exhausting and demoralizing. I'm sorry your are going through this. But you have lots of friends here on bpdfamily.com's waiting to help you get through this! We also have lots of articles, videos, and workshops that really help too.

Are you in any kind of counseling? Tell us more about your story so we know how to support you through this tough time.

doubleAries

[Thyrsos]

 

He says he's a horrible person and he's no good for me!

In this part he is absolutely right... .

Stay away from him.

I know it´s not easy, but there are people out there who would never lie to you or cheat on you.

That´s the kind of person you should be with.

[cookiedough]

Its so hard though. I feel like I'm breaking even though he's the one in the mental hospital.

I guess I just couldn't believe that all this time it was all a lie. It all seemed so real.

And he's done this before so I don't know

I really don't think i ever want to talk to him again but i've said that before.

I can't even imagine him sleeping around again or dating other girls.

I wasn't going to put myself through being his "friend" when in the past we would hang out every day even as just "friends".

[cookiedough]

It sounds like he is having a very difficult time emotionally. Hopefully he can get proper medical help and begin feeling a better. It probably isn't a great idea to try and have a romantic relationship with him during this time. Maybe give him some space to see if he can get his life back in control? He is just getting out of the hospital. Considering how dysregulated he has been he probably has great difficulty understanding his own emotions. How are you?

I know that he is but i feel like he played me. I mean I want to believe its the BPD/bipolar confusion talking because I can't believe that after all that time where it seemed like he did love me in that way he was just lying. It's really hard because at this point i'm so angry that i don't want to talk to him.

[cookiedough]

Hi cookiedough, and 

You've come to the right place! I for one, certainly understand what you are going through. My soon to be ex husband is bipolar (with psychotic features), ASPD and NPD. We lived together for almost 2 years and then got married 16 years ago. We just seperated less than 3 weeks ago.

The roller cosater is exhausting and demoralizing. I'm sorry your are going through this. But you have lots of friends here on bpdfamily.com's waiting to help you get through this! We also have lots of articles, videos, and workshops that really help too.

Are you in any kind of counseling? Tell us more about your story so we know how to support you through this tough time.

doubleAries

No I'm not in counseling. I feel like i should be though, I just don't think I have the money right now.

It's just so hurtful because I felt like what we had was real and then in one day he changes his mind.

My confidence is way down and I just don't know what to think.

[OTH]

It is understandable you don't want to talk to him. I wouldn't want to either. You can't tell what is real and what isn't. How could you? He is so bad right now he wound up hospitalized for weeks! He has a lot of health issues to deal with. I know it hurts but isn't it best to give the relationship space so he can work on his mental health? This is his stuff to own and deal with it. You aren't responsible for it. Here is a forum to post on. A good place to talk  to others going through the same issues.

[L2] Undecided: Staying or Leaving

I know you are hurting now but what are you doing to try and feel better? Do you have more stable relationships? Family? Friends? Are you eating well and exercising? What goals in your life are you working on right now? It is easy to let your feelings take over and become so focused on a difficult relationship that we stop taking proper care of ourselves and this just makes us feel worse. 

Hope you feel better soon. 

It sounds like he is having a very difficult time emotionally. Hopefully he can get proper medical help and begin feeling a better. It probably isn't a great idea to try and have a romantic relationship with him during this time. Maybe give him some space to see if he can get his life back in control? He is just getting out of the hospital. Considering how dysregulated he has been he probably has great difficulty understanding his own emotions. How are you?

I know that he is but i feel like he played me. I mean I want to believe its the BPD/bipolar confusion talking because I can't believe that after all that time where it seemed like he did love me in that way he was just lying. It's really hard because at this point i'm so angry that i don't want to talk to him.

[cookiedough]

Thanks OTH your are right. Its really hard. I keep on going from missing him to not caring at all.

I don't even know what to think anymore. This happened before and I can't deal with it in the future.

I'm just sad that out of nowhere he decided he was lying to me when two days before he said he loved me.

I wanted to help him sort his issues out but he didn't want me there with him.

I'll try to focus on other things like work and reading and going out... .maybe because right now all i want to do is sit home and sleep.

[WalrusGumboot]

It's just so hurtful because I felt like what we had was real and then in one day he changes his mind.

My confidence is way down and I just don't know what to think.

You probably won't get the answers you seek. I went through 23 years with a pwBPD, got divorced, got therapy, and hung out on this board for years already. Add to that countless hours of reading about the topic. Many questions were answered but many remain, and I am pretty certain now they never will. I am just letting time heal the hurts and wait for the day when thinking of her and BPD and everything else that goes with it will become a very rare event.

[cookiedough]

It's just so hurtful because I felt like what we had was real and then in one day he changes his mind.

My confidence is way down and I just don't know what to think.

You probably won't get the answers you seek. I went through 23 years with a pwBPD, got divorced, got therapy, and hung out on this board for years already. Add to that countless hours of reading about the topic. Many questions were answered but many remain, and I am pretty certain now they never will. I am just letting time heal the hurts and wait for the day when thinking of her and BPD and everything else that goes with it will become a very rare event.

Yeah I know you're right it just hurts because this happened before but i never loved him when it happened before. I just miss when we were ok and that was only 3 days ago! It's crazy how someone can be affectionate and then kick you out of their room because there is nothing more to say. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. 

[doubleAries]

cookiedough--the others are right. You need to take care of yourself.

I do know how hard this is. For 18 years I tried to make logical sense out my husbands behavior. But he's mentally ill. That's the point--he's not making logical sense. He's as confused as you are. It's not likely he's doing this to you on purpose. People with mental illness and especially BPD mean what they say--at the moment they say it. 10 minutes later, they feel differently and they mean that. But you are allowing yourself to get caught in the tidal wave.

OTH posted a link to the "undecided" board. Click on that link and at the top you'll see a blue tab that says "new topic" click on that and write your story. Others on that board are going through very, very similar things to you and you can talk with them, get support, vent, learn. It helps a great deal.

Meanwhile, you are totally focused on your boyfriend. He's in a place where he's getting some help right now. You need to reach out for the same thing for yourself. Here's an article that may really help: Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts   I also found this article really helpful: Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person

look forward to seeing your first post on the undecided board!

doubleAries

[Sabine]

  cookiedough,

Sorry you're hurting... .it's not fair to be so mangled up in their disordered behavior. The others are right, you may never get all the answers and you should take this opportunity to focus on yourself. OTH sent you some really good links to check out. We're here for you... .

[OTH]

It is OK to love him and be apart. Especially if he needs to work on his own issues. You have to love yourself too. Do good things for yourself so you are in a good place to give love back when those close to you are open to it. He isn't right now. He spent two weeks in the hospital trying to get to a better place. Give it time and see where he ends up. Give yourself a break. I can see you are confused and hurting too. There is a quote from way back yonder I love... .

“One of my sayings is: Always tend your garden. If you don't you will have nothing truly yummy to offer. When you find yourself offering the seeds of your garden to someone else to eat. You better stop pretty quickly or you will soon have two people starving.” ~Traveler

Take care of yourself. It's important.  

[cookiedough]

It is OK to love him and be apart. Especially if he needs to work on his own issues. You have to love yourself too. Do good things for yourself so you are in a good place to give love back when those close to you are open to it. He isn't right now. He spent two weeks in the hospital trying to get to a better place. Give it time and see where he ends up. Give yourself a break. I can see you are confused and hurting too. There is a quote from way back yonder I love... .

“One of my sayings is: Always tend your garden. If you don't you will have nothing truly yummy to offer. When you find yourself offering the seeds of your garden to someone else to eat. You better stop pretty quickly or you will soon have two people starving.” ~Traveler

Take care of yourself. It's important.  

Yeah I know but I'm trying not to love him and not to think of all the good times we had or how he said he loved me and then all of a sudden it was all a lie. It really hurts but I have to go forward thinking we are over forever and are never talking again because to him it seemed that way. He wanted to keep me around but I've been down that road before and the cycle always repeats. I will try to focus on myself and try to stop thinking about why he said what he said or did what he did. Thanks for the quote it's nice : ).

[cookiedough]

cookiedough,

Sorry you're hurting... .it's not fair to be so mangled up in their disordered behavior. The others are right, you may never get all the answers and you should take this opportunity to focus on yourself. OTH sent you some really good links to check out. We're here for you... .

I will try to focus on myself even though its hard : ( . Hug : )

[cookiedough]

cookiedough--the others are right. You need to take care of yourself.

I do know how hard this is. For 18 years I tried to make logical sense out my husbands behavior. But he's mentally ill. That's the point--he's not making logical sense. He's as confused as you are. It's not likely he's doing this to you on purpose. People with mental illness and especially BPD mean what they say--at the moment they say it. 10 minutes later, they feel differently and they mean that. But you are allowing yourself to get caught in the tidal wave.

OTH posted a link to the "undecided" board. Click on that link and at the top you'll see a blue tab that says "new topic" click on that and write your story. Others on that board are going through very, very similar things to you and you can talk with them, get support, vent, learn. It helps a great deal.

I do need to take care of myself. When i was with him i kind of let myself go. I just go back on when he said he loved me and how he kissed or hugged me. I find his dogs hair everywhere and smells remind me of him. I can't even listen to the radio right now because I don't want a song to remind me of him.

I get he's confused because what he says is confusing. But i don't know if I'll be there months or weeks from now if he decides to talk to me again. It was too hard to stay and be just his friend so I had to leave.

I am really confused but I will try to take care of myself.

And if I don't feel better soon I will post on the undecided board.

: )

Meanwhile, you are totally focused on your boyfriend. He's in a place where he's getting some help right now. You need to reach out for the same thing for yourself. Here's an article that may really help: Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts   I also found this article really helpful: Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person

look forward to seeing your first post on the undecided board!

doubleAries

[ForeverDad]

 

What you've experienced in that confusing push/pull relationship is certainly confusing and distressing.  However, as you learn more about these serious acting-out disorders such as BPD you will find that you'll be able to make more informed and more confident decisions.  Right now, make cautious decisions and you sort things out.

You're caught up in the "FOG" of the dysfunction.  So look at yourself, him and the emotions of the relationship.  Where you see the Fear, Obligation and Guilt, be sure to tread carefully.  You certainly don't want to get back on that roller coaster.  It was slowly destroying you.

but he's supposed to be stable now

"Stable" - in what way?  Stable enough for release from the hospital?  Apparently so - until the next time.  Stable enough to have a healthy relationship?  Sorry, the answer is a firm and definite NO!  Maybe some day he might be stable enough for a close relationship, but not now, and certainly not this quickly.  A few weeks adjusting meds is not going to change his thinking and perceptions.  Maybe the meds will help his Bi-polar, but it would only slightly moderate his PD.  For long term recovery from this PD he needs intensive therapy with an experienced professional, needs to apply it diligently in his life and stick with it for years.  Do you really, really believe that a few weeks of hospitalization - probably not the first, more likely just the latest hospitalization - will "fix" his life-long issues?

Sadly, you can't "fix" him.  First, you're too close emotionally for him to get past the emotional baggage of the relationship, that's why an emotionally neutral trained professional is his best hope.  Second, you have no idea whether he will ever recover sufficiently to have a healthy, stable and functional relationship.

Meanwhile, avoid the risk of having a child with him unless he makes significant and solid progress toward long term recovery.  Though children are wonderful blessings, having a child with a mentally ill person just makes the relationship even more complicated and dysfunctional, makes ending a relationship vastly more complicated as well, and subjects a child to a life of living with confusing and invalidating perceptions and behaviors.  Think how hard it has been on you - and you're an adult - and ponder how hard it would be for small children who wouldn't have any prior idea of what ought to be normal life.

[cookiedough]

What you've experienced in that confusing push/pull relationship is certainly confusing and distressing.  However, as you learn more about these serious acting-out disorders such as BPD you will find that you'll be able to make more informed and more confident decisions.  Right now, make cautious decisions and you sort things out.

You're caught up in the "FOG" of the dysfunction.  So look at yourself, him and the emotions of the relationship.  Where you see the Fear, Obligation and Guilt, be sure to tread carefully.  You certainly don't want to get back on that roller coaster.  It was slowly destroying you.

but he's supposed to be stable now

"Stable" - in what way?  Stable enough for release from the hospital?  Apparently so - until the next time.  Stable enough to have a healthy relationship?  Sorry, the answer is a firm and definite NO!  Maybe some day he might be stable enough for a close relationship, but not now, and certainly not this quickly.  A few weeks adjusting meds is not going to change his thinking and perceptions.  Maybe the meds will help his Bi-polar, but it would only slightly moderate his PD.  For long term recovery from this PD he needs intensive therapy with an experienced professional, needs to apply it diligently in his life and stick with it for years.  Do you really, really believe that a few weeks of hospitalization - probably not the first, more likely just the latest hospitalization - will "fix" his life-long issues?

Sadly, you can't "fix" him.  First, you're too close emotionally for him to get past the emotional baggage of the relationship, that's why an emotionally neutral trained professional is his best hope.  Second, you have no idea whether he will ever recover sufficiently to have a healthy, stable and functional relationship.

Meanwhile, avoid the risk of having a child with him unless he makes significant and solid progress toward long term recovery.  Though children are wonderful blessings, having a child with a mentally ill person just makes the relationship even more complicated and dysfunctional, makes ending a relationship vastly more complicated as well, and subjects a child to a life of living with confusing and invalidating perceptions and behaviors.  Think how hard it has been on you - and you're an adult - and ponder how hard it would be for small children who wouldn't have any prior idea of what ought to be normal life.

I think I just completely let him go. I brought back all of his stuff the teddy bears the cd's he made me... .he asked me if I wanted to keep the teddy bear but i didn't want it. I told him we would never speak again... .because I was really mad and I still am.

Sometimes I miss him and sometimes I'm glad i can finally take care of myself.

I couldn't stay as just a friend yet again.

I hope he can get fixed but I don't know if we will ever talk again. But this has happened so many times before.

I do love him but I'm almost afraid that he'll call me 3 weeks from now and I'll get pulled back in.

I wanted things to stay the way they were with him loving me "in that way" but its so frustrating that he can change his feelings in an instant... or in his case he was lying the whole time... but his actions don't say that.

I'm really disconnected from him right now because it almost seems like a dream. Yet I don't have anything to remember him by no pictures, because I erased them no messages and no old sweaters. I can't believe this is happening again 5 days ago it was so different.

I'm only 20 years old and I was thinking today I'm glad that I didn't get pregnant with his kid because now we're not together anymore... .it all seems surreal.

But I'm working more and trying to spend time with my family.

Thank you, you seem to know what you are talking about.

[ForeverDad]

I couldn't stay as just a friend yet again.

This is a reality we have to accept.  Due to the risk of being sucked back into the chaotic and invalidating environment, we have to Let Go and Move On.  We won't even find closure with our ex because that response too would likely be fickle, depending on ex's emotions and moods of the moment, thus invalidating.  We have to find closure within ourselves because we can't really get it from the other person.  That's another impact of the mental illness.

It's very likely he will reach out to you.  Be prepared in advance for how you will respond, if you respond at all.  While we aren't mean, we do have to be firm.  We use No Contact (NC) for a reason - self-protection.  It is very important we have firm boundaries or else they'll get trampled at some point, whether purposely or inadvertently.

As time goes on you will understand more thoroughly the wisdom of walking away.  It would have been even harder the longer you stayed and especially so if there were children.

[Sabine]

  cookiedough,

I'm glad you're realizing the complications of being with someone who is BPD and not stable enough to be in a 'normal' relationship with you or anyone else for that matter and that you're trying to move on. It is hard and sad and you are going to feel pain as you try to heal from the emotional roller coaster you've been on... .but it will get better. Oh and to bring a child into the world with someone who is still so much child himself is a recipe for disaster. It just wouldn't be fair and isn't something that you'll be able to change once it's done. The others have given you very good suggestions about treading carefully as you move through the FOG.

More good links... .US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

Workshop - US: The dysfunctional dance - self inflicted wounds

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

I was also in a r/s with a pwBPD and it nearly destroyed me as a person! I wanted it to go back to the honeymoon stage of being in love, when everything was so exciting and fun. Trouble is he couldn't (because of his disorder), keep his emotions from changing from the extremes of love, to rage and pure hate, then love again, then hate, then love towards me. He was never professionally diagnosed, I learned here that he was most likely BPD and that there was nothing I could do to get the old him back and that this was more like how he'd be from now on. There was no turning back the clock! The r/s was doomed and I had to leave and yes, it was hard.

Be gentle to yourself and picture how you want your future to be and reach for it... .We'll help you get there... .

[SavageHeart]

I'm a borderline and I can tell you, when someone who is borderline loves you, at that moment, they love you and when they hate you, at that moment they hate you. it's not that they are faking it. Their emotions spin and when they are in a rage, they can't connect to the moment that they loved you and vise versa.

[cookiedough]

I'm a borderline and I can tell you, when someone who is borderline loves you, at that moment, they love you and when they hate you, at that moment they hate you. it's not that they are faking it. Their emotions spin and when they are in a rage, they can't connect to the moment that they loved you and vise versa.

Thats what I don't understand, but I guess I never will get that. It just hurts that to him it was all a lie when he said he loved me and that he said he kissed me because that's what I wanted him to do. He's a 23 year old man no one can make him do anything. He seemed like a different person than 3 days ago when he still loved me in "that way"

[cookiedough]

 cookiedough,

I'm glad you're realizing the complications of being with someone who is BPD and not stable enough to be in a 'normal' relationship with you or anyone else for that matter and that you're trying to move on. It is hard and sad and you are going to feel pain as you try to heal from the emotional roller coaster you've been on... .but it will get better. Oh and to bring a child into the world with someone who is still so much child himself is a recipe for disaster. It just wouldn't be fair and isn't something that you'll be able to change once it's done. The others have given you very good suggestions about treading carefully as you move through the FOG.

More good links... .US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

Workshop - US: The dysfunctional dance - self inflicted wounds

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

I was also in a r/s with a pwBPD and it nearly destroyed me as a person! I wanted it to go back to the honeymoon stage of being in love, when everything was so exciting and fun. Trouble is he couldn't (because of his disorder), keep his emotions from changing from the extremes of love, to rage and pure hate, then love again, then hate, then love towards me. He was never professionally diagnosed, I learned here that he was most likely BPD and that there was nothing I could do to get the old him back and that this was more like how he'd be from now on. There was no turning back the clock! The r/s was doomed and I had to leave and yes, it was hard.

Be gentle to yourself and picture how you want your future to be and reach for it... .We'll help you get there... .

yeah, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so closed off from everyone and I can't even talk to the people at work. I don't think I'll be ready to date anyone either anytime soon. If he had it his way he would've kept me around until next time when he felt like he wants to kiss me again and be intimate. My confidence is way down and I kept hoping that this time it would be different because we were "good" (I had trust issues because he cheated) for 3 months, but the cycle just happened again.

Sorry you had to go through that too : (.

[cookiedough]

I couldn't stay as just a friend yet again.

This is a reality we have to accept.  Due to the risk of being sucked back into the chaotic and invalidating environment, we have to Let Go and Move On.  We won't even find closure with our ex because that response too would likely be fickle, depending on ex's emotions and moods of the moment, thus invalidating.  We have to find closure within ourselves because we can't really get it from the other person.  That's another impact of the mental illness.

It's very likely he will reach out to you.  Be prepared in advance for how you will respond, if you respond at all.  While we aren't mean, we do have to be firm.  We use No Contact (NC) for a reason - self-protection.  It is very important we have firm boundaries or else they'll get trampled at some point, whether purposely or inadvertently.

As time goes on you will understand more thoroughly the wisdom of walking away.  It would have been even harder the longer you stayed and especially so if there were children.

I was a fool for thinking that this time would be different when in the year I've known him he always went back and forth. Today was better though, I worked, got some stuff done at the bank and I'm with my family now.

He reached out most times when we weren't talking but at this point I really don't care if he does because I don't plan on answering... .I don't know if that's because I'm mad right now.

I just keep on going back to the things I said and things I should've done differently.

Three days before he did this I said we were over because we got in a fight and i was tired and frustrated, but then I apologized and we were ok. He was hurt that I would even say that but three days later he did the same thing.

I hope this didn't make him hate me because I heard BPD people can get distant if they are hurt.

I'm trying to move on because deep down I realize that he can't be helped by me and he will only hurt me again.

Even though I keep on looking back, having doubts and thinking about the good moments I almost feel like I have a weight lifted off my shoulders because I don't have to deal with the ups and downs anymore... .if I don't think about the good times when he said he loved me I feel almost happy.

[cookiedough]

I'm having a really hard time right now.

I thought I was doing ok but now I'm really starting to miss him.

But how can you miss someone who said such mean things to you.

I guess I'm just thinking of the good times when he held me close and said he loved me.

I feel like such a fool.

But I can't call him becuase I know that I will get back on the rollercoaster.

[Sabine]

  cookiedough,

It's the FOG... .and grieving. Sometimes they just go hand in hand. Keeping yourself busy and being with others helps. Also, journaling even when you don't feel like it1 I did this and sobbed my eyes out because I was sad. I was just plain ol sad. Sure he said some awful horrific things to me (at me), but I was so sad because it felt like things didn't have to be that way! I wanted so much more than he could give and yet I knew he tried as hard as he possibly could. I know that it's because of his mental illness that didn't allow him to be the man he could have been and I still miss that part of him. It's like having to bury a friend too early in life, it's painful and it hurts... .:'(

cookiedough, has anything happened tonight that's made things especially hard? 

[cookiedough]

 cookiedough,

It's the FOG... .and grieving. Sometimes they just go hand in hand. Keeping yourself busy and being with others helps. Also, journaling even when you don't feel like it1 I did this and sobbed my eyes out because I was sad. I was just plain ol sad. Sure he said some awful horrific things to me (at me), but I was so sad because it felt like things didn't have to be that way! I wanted so much more than he could give and yet I knew he tried as hard as he possibly could. I know that it's because of his mental illness that didn't allow him to be the man he could have been and I still miss that part of him. It's like having to bury a friend too early in life, it's painful and it hurts... .:'(

cookiedough, has anything happened tonight that's made things especially hard? 

I got yelled at at work for making a stupid mistake and all I wanted to do was to call him and tell him all about it.

He wasn't just my boyfriend he was my best friend too, I told him everything.

But I also started thinking about how two days before everything happened he said he loved me and about how sad I was that the cycle happened again.

It's really hard because I don't know if he'll contact me and I'm scared that he started sleeping around again and partying.

[cookiedough]

And I know that I should be around people but whenever I am I find a way to talk about him.

Yesterday we were looking at scary movies to watch and all I could think about was how me and him always watched scary movies together and about the time we googled if one of the monsters was real.

He's gone but there's so many memories.

I feel the saddest when I'm at work and I have to talk to people... .I just don't feel like the same me anymore.

I guess I was so used to the us that I lost the me.

Today I got two texts from guys who are friends wishing me a merry christmas and that made me feel good.

I just can't wait for school to start so I can start studying and meeting new people and I won't have time to think about him.

[Sabine]

  Hang in there cookiedough. I'm sorry you got yelled at work over something stupid. It does hurt not to be able to tell your best friend about how it made you feel, and it's okay to miss him and the good times. You're allowed to feel any way you need to, it's part of the process. This time last year I was with my ex so I was a little worried that I'd 'run into' him out there, or worse see him with someone new... .But I made myself go out and build new memories with other people who care a lot about me. Break ups are very hard for anyone! I was just out with friends tonight and one friend just caught her bf of one year in a big lie and she literally ended it with him tonight! Even though she was very shaken up, she kept her dignity and won't tolerate his deceitfulness and that was that. The one thing she said is that she didn't listen to her gut when she suspected something wasn't right! Sound familiar?

It takes a lot of courage to stick up yourself and walk through the pain of a breakup, but you can do it, you deserve a better and healthier relationship... .one that won't be a confusing roller coaster. Remember, contact = pain.