Think we are done, BUT... (long)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

We've been separated in the house for 2.5 months - superficial conversation for most part.  We separated $$ back in the summer.  This weekend we had a talk/argument finally, and it seemed that he has just been waiting for me to apologize for last blow out and prove/say that I will change.  I threw all these theories at me about how I've become so mean over the last couple years (we've been together 12-ish years, married 9).  Menopause?  Depression?  FB addiction? etc.  I'm in T, and my T has told me I'm in a toxic relationship, yada, yada.  I'm codependent... .learning more about it.  I'm not in menopause, and I haven't suddenly turned "mean."  I have, however, "detached."

Still, there has been so much GOOD in our marriage.  I am not delusional - MOST of it has been good.  We are compatible; we enjoy one another's company; we love each other.  But then the bad has been bad - painful arguments full of name-calling and the harshest of words.  But from what I read on here - others' stories - maybe it's not that bad.  He does not lie and cheat constantly.  He does not swing moods on daily basis.  Maybe it's salvageable.  Am I delusional?

Here is the good, bad, ugly:

GOOD:

-has held a stable job throughout our marriage

-brilliantly smart and able to converse about any and everything.  We truly enjoy talking to each other every day.  Interesting, intriguing, never dull.

-Sharp wit and humor.  Unless dysregulated and in a bad spell, makes me laugh daily - rare and amazing personality.

-chivalrous - will pick me up in his truck if it's snowing, comes to get me at work a few times a year with a smile if I've misplaced keys, brings me flowers for no reasons, writes sweet romantic cards/letters, sends sweet emails and texts, makes effort to cook steak just how I like it, runs a bath for me, rubs feet, starts car in mornings in winter to warm it up, does all yard work and most of housework willingly... .and more.

-makes me feel loved with kind words, compliments (unless he's angry at me... .!)

-talented/gifted in many areas

-handsome and great and considerate lover

-affectionate - lots of squeezes, hugs, touches - in passing, whenever

BAD

- conflicts at work with others - at least a couple times a year, sometimes big.  has had to apologize.  considered high maintenance by boss.  Had major meltdown at work last year (he was "victim" - out of work 3 months getting it resolved

-negative attitude in general towards most everything - trusts no one - sees people as bad, out to use him.

-addicted to pot - for years (all our years together).  Smokes daily - spends estimated 300-600 (!) a month

-smokes cigarettes (self-destructive in general, IMO.  Doesn't take care of health)

-in most of our marriage hasn't been big drinker - last few months since things happened at work and have gone south with us, drinking has increased.  when upset or angry (esp with me) drinks more heavily.  has increased drinking in last 2 months since we have separated

-cannot self soothe - also when upset, he will sometimes literally just sleep for a couple days

-lots of  weird issues with his family - NPD or BPD mom (maybe?)- all attention on him as child.  he has strong love/hate with his mom.  She is split white now, and I am black (used to be opposite)

-his mom is supportive of our marriage, kind to me, and would like us to reconcile

-dad was alcoholic and disciplinarian when he was a kid- not that close but father is in ill health and is a kind man who has mellowed with age.  He  loves both his parents but felt/feels controlled by them and sometimes gets extremely angry with them - will not express it to them though out of respect

-irrational anger at me for littlest and weirdest things... .driving down the road on a trip - I point out a historical marker (we love history) - blames me for "interrupting his story" and freezes me out for next 2 days of our trip (one TINY example of many)

-had FB affairs with at least 2 women for 2 months (that I know of) during his melt down and time off work last year - is remorseful, yet essentially blames me for not supporting him enough during that time (threw me under bus as being a horrible wife, etc.-I believe it would've been physical if they lived closer)

-when not being a victim of something/someone else, he is a victim of me- I become worst wife ever.

-good, fun, loving, peaceful periods have diminished last 3 years or so... .used to be 2-3 whopper fights a year,now it's more frequent.  We cannot resolve conflicts even though I have almost entirely quit JADING.

-NPD qualities - have lessened I think somewhat - at times is very focused on self

-does not feel need for T (twofold - doesn't think he needs it - just wants to take meds - and doesn't want to take $ away from pot habit)

-was in DBT for 1.5 months  and quit

-quit other T as well

-I'm in therapy; he's not

-he's very angry/upset about divorce - says I've ruined/wasted worse years of his life.  Yet now that he is realizing I'm serious, wants to do it all right now.  It's very tense being in the house.

*We work together, have many mutual friends/ work colleagues - hard. 

* I have confided to a couple friends and my parents about separation and struggles - all are very sad for us (in a lot of ways we are two peas in a pod), but none have tried to talk me out of it.

He is uBPD - so... .where am I?  Confused!

I am struggling and feeling torn.  Do I uproot my whole life, our lives, everything we have together - a home we've worked on lovingly, our pets beloved by both, our mostly happy daily lives and memories.  Do we (can we) patch this up?

Or, is it right to cut losses and move on?  We are early 40's, no kids, 1st marriage for both.

I'm so very confused and sad right now.  Any insight would be most appreciated.

[atcrossroads]

Hi all,

We've been separated in the house for 2.5 months - superficial conversation for most part.  We separated $$ back in the summer.  This weekend we had a talk/argument finally, and it seemed that he has just been waiting for me to apologize for last blow out and prove/say that I will change.  I threw all these theories at me about how I've become so mean over the last couple years (we've been together 12-ish years, married 9).  Menopause?  Depression?  FB addiction? etc.  I'm in T, and my T has told me I'm in a toxic relationship, yada, yada.  I'm codependent... .learning more about it.  I'm not in menopause, and I haven't suddenly turned "mean."  I have, however, "detached."

Still, there has been so much GOOD in our marriage.  I am not delusional - MOST of it has been good.  We are compatible; we enjoy one another's company; we love each other.  But then the bad has been bad - painful arguments full of name-calling and the harshest of words.  But from what I read on here - others' stories - maybe it's not that bad.  He does not lie and cheat constantly.  He does not swing moods on daily basis.  Maybe it's salvageable.  Am I delusional?

Here is the good, bad, ugly:

GOOD:

-has held a stable job throughout our marriage

-brilliantly smart and able to converse about any and everything.  We truly enjoy talking to each other every day.  Interesting, intriguing, never dull.

-Sharp wit and humor.  Unless dysregulated and in a bad spell, makes me laugh daily - rare and amazing personality.

-chivalrous - will pick me up in his truck if it's snowing, comes to get me at work a few times a year with a smile if I've misplaced keys, brings me flowers for no reasons, writes sweet romantic cards/letters, sends sweet emails and texts, makes effort to cook steak just how I like it, runs a bath for me, rubs feet, starts car in mornings in winter to warm it up, does all yard work and most of housework willingly... .and more.

-makes me feel loved with kind words, compliments (unless he's angry at me... .!)

-talented/gifted in many areas

-handsome and great and considerate lover

-affectionate - lots of squeezes, hugs, touches - in passing, whenever

BAD

- conflicts at work with others - at least a couple times a year, sometimes big.  has had to apologize.  considered high maintenance by boss.  Had major meltdown at work last year (he was "victim" - out of work 3 months getting it resolved

-negative attitude in general towards most everything - trusts no one - sees people as bad, out to use him.

-addicted to pot - for years (all our years together).  Smokes daily - spends estimated 300-600 (!) a month

-smokes cigarettes (self-destructive in general, IMO.  Doesn't take care of health)

-in most of our marriage hasn't been big drinker - last few months since things happened at work and have gone south with us, drinking has increased.  when upset or angry (esp with me) drinks more heavily.  has increased drinking in last 2 months since we have separated

-cannot self soothe - also when upset, he will sometimes literally just sleep for a couple days

-lots of  weird issues with his family - NPD or BPD mom (maybe?)- all attention on him as child.  he has strong love/hate with his mom.  She is split white now, and I am black (used to be opposite)

-his mom is supportive of our marriage, kind to me, and would like us to reconcile

-dad was alcoholic and disciplinarian when he was a kid- not that close but father is in ill health and is a kind man who has mellowed with age.  He  loves both his parents but felt/feels controlled by them and sometimes gets extremely angry with them - will not express it to them though out of respect

-irrational anger at me for littlest and weirdest things... .driving down the road on a trip - I point out a historical marker (we love history) - blames me for "interrupting his story" and freezes me out for next 2 days of our trip (one TINY example of many)

-had FB affairs with at least 2 women for 2 months (that I know of) during his melt down and time off work last year - is remorseful, yet essentially blames me for not supporting him enough during that time (threw me under bus as being a horrible wife, etc.-I believe it would've been physical if they lived closer)

-when not being a victim of something/someone else, he is a victim of me- I become worst wife ever.

-good, fun, loving, peaceful periods have diminished last 3 years or so... .used to be 2-3 whopper fights a year,now it's more frequent.  We cannot resolve conflicts even though I have almost entirely quit JADING.

-NPD qualities - have lessened I think somewhat - at times is very focused on self

-does not feel need for T (twofold - doesn't think he needs it - just wants to take meds - and doesn't want to take $ away from pot habit)

-was in DBT for 1.5 months  and quit

-quit other T as well

-I'm in therapy; he's not

-he's very angry/upset about divorce - says I've ruined/wasted worse years of his life.  Yet now that he is realizing I'm serious, wants to do it all right now.  It's very tense being in the house.

*We work together, have many mutual friends/ work colleagues - hard. 

* I have confided to a couple friends and my parents about separation and struggles - all are very sad for us (in a lot of ways we are two peas in a pod), but none have tried to talk me out of it.

He is uBPD - so... .where am I?  Confused!

I am struggling and feeling torn.  Do I uproot my whole life, our lives, everything we have together - a home we've worked on lovingly, our pets beloved by both, our mostly happy daily lives and memories.  Do we (can we) patch this up?

Or, is it right to cut losses and move on?  We are early 40's, no kids, 1st marriage for both.

I'm so very confused and sad right now.  Any insight would be most appreciated.

[Confuzzled104]

Hello,

I have been where you are thinking if it is worth staying or leaving and  I know in my own account I had to leave because it wasn't worth it for me.


Some things I would want to ask you to think about before making a hasty decision... .

Do you both Communicate together?

Self Disclose together?

Do you both do self-expanding activities or activies that are novel or new for you both?

These are great for a relationship in the long term and in my opinion it is better to not look at the investments you have made in the relationship because that is like a hook in your mouth pulling you back to the fisherman waiting to kill you on the boat... .Would you rather spend your life and miss a better opportunity with someone great all because you spent so much time, money, affection on that one person?

These are just my thoughts and experiences but have worked well for me,

Regards

Confuzzled

[atcrossroads]

Thanks, Confuzzled.  I really appreciate your response.  While we do (or did... .) communicate, I don't know that we were ever having genuine, deep, emotionally intimate communication.  Some, yes, but many times I would hold back my feelings for fear of starting a fight.  Ironically, he has always told me the same thing, but it's twisted and connected.  For example, if I expressed any little thing that might have disagreed with his view or was perceived by him as a criticism of any kind, it would create a fight, which over and over and over again ended with him saying, "The only answer is for me to just not talk.  When I talk, everything goes bad.  So, I just won't talk."

Ridiculously childish and incredibly frustrating... .not real good communication, I guess.

I think the lack of responses to my post (despite lots of views) is perhaps I asked an obvious question.  I should be able to read my own list and say... .Go.  That is what you need to do.

But, the good stuff.  What about the good stuff?  And, the fact that the majority of the time, things were good - happy, loving, joking.  And, what about the fact that the bad stuff hasn't been THAT bad (again, am I delusional here?).  I have read stories on here that are horrid -  serial cheating, lying, backstabbing, and worse.  My husband has never done any of that and has been loving and taken good care of me most of the time.

Hence, my nagging feeling that I'm blowing this out of proportion.  Ah, I know I have more soul searching to do.

Why is this SO darned difficult?

[Confuzzled104]

Hey there,

Sorry haven't been on here in a while since I have been trying to improve my own situation. Right now, honestly you can't look to others and try to judge  yourself and your relationship. That is a very big mistake because nobody else can take your place and put themselves in your shoes.

A little introspection could go a long way for you... .  

Right now are you happy in the relationship?

Do you percieve the relationship to be 50/50?

A good relationship is one where communication can thrive and telling you to stop talking is not a way to solve an issue in my opinion. 

There should be a mutual respect for the other person's point of view and if he or you disagree then there must be compromise, however make sure it is something that you or he will be comfortable compromising on or there will just be repressed anger or resentment.

Just some thoughts,

Confuzzled

[TheWind]

it is so hard to let go sometimes. by nature, I believe us nons tend to be unreasonably positive and optimistic. it is easy to be sentimental about the good. I could make a list about my wife similar to your list. one thing that helped me make my decision to leave was knowing that out there are many non- disordered people with that kind of positive list about them, and who don't make us drained, hurt, and exhausted. I took a step back and saw that despite W having all these qualities being with her was exhausting, stressful, hurtful, and unsafe emotionally, and sometimes even physically. I am not a free man in my own home. your "negative" side of the list was twice as long. And you said that part was getting progressively worse. as an outsider, I would think it would be telling. good luck with whatever you decide.

Best,

Wind