In the middle of it - Need quick advice

[sadinsweden]

I misspoke. I thought the episode was over in 2 hours. It continues. Is getting worse. He's been drunk for days. Is mean, belligerent, and frightening me. I've locked myself into the spare room with the cats. The livingroom has been trashed. He has thrown all the food into the garbage because I won't share my cigarettes. (I offered to go to the store to buy us both cigarettes and christmas food ... .He swore at me. So I went and bought myself smokes.) Now he's pissed because I won't give him one of my cigarettes (Isn't there something here about boundaries and not rewarding bad behavior?) ... .so he's raging and throwing food in the garbage, the floor, and in the sink. Swearing at me and is so so mean. My god... .he called me fat! Told me to "get back on the feeder and then visit the scale". Please help... .what do I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Validation78]

Hi Sad!

Sorry this is so hard for you right now.

Good, you're thinking about boundaries because it sounds like he is crossing some. He is raging and being abusive. If it is causing you fear, and you are still afraid, even being locked in a room, please think about leaving the house. Is there a place you can go until things calm down?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[sadinsweden]

Validation78, No not really. I'm relatively new in this country (Moved here 6 months ago). No family or friends here.

[Surnia]

Hi sadinsweden

Do you have a mobile with you? If he continues to trash the apartment, I would call the police!

So sorry! Keep us posted. 

Surnia

[sadinsweden]

Meanwhile, he's on Facebook posting Christmas photos and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. WTH?

[sadinsweden]

Surnia... .oh yes. I do have my mobile. Yes... .thank you. That is a comfort. (Too freaked out to even have thought of that myself).

[Validation78]

Can you go out for a long walk?

Go to a public place outside your home?

Just to get away fro a couple of hours?

Are you afraid that he will hurt you?

[sadinsweden]

Ummmm... .I'm afraid to show my face outside this door. I could try and sneak out.

[sadinsweden]

Ok. He passed out. I'm outta here!

[Validation78]

Glad you are out of there. Since you don't have a support system there, please consider contacting a domestic violence hotline for advice and perhaps a referral to a shelter if you need it. If you don't know how to find this information, we can help you do that. Please let us know how you are doing!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Surnia]

Great you are out, sadinsweden!

Take care and keep us posted, please.

I will send you strength. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi

How are you doing? Seeing as your name is sadinsweden, I'm thinking you're living in Sweden. I'm Norwegian. The phone number for emergency help (police, firemen, ambulance) is 112.

114 14 is the number for when it's less urgent.

I hope you've been able to find some help. I feel your pain. I'm also living abroad, I moved from Norway to France to be with my boyfriend. It certainly adds to the difficulties of living with a pwBPD.

You'll find women shelters all over Sweden on this page, with contact information www.roks.se/har-finns-hjalp/kvinnojourer

[Surnia]

Thank you so much, Scarlet, for the very helpful information. 

[sadinsweden]

You all are lovely. I'm back. That didn't go well. As I was leaving he woke up and demanded cigarettes. I also had hid the last bottle of Christmas schnapps. He demanded that too. I tried to hold off on supplying him more booze but he was getting progressively aggressive. So I gave him the bottle. He turned off the Internet, (He often does this so that I can't contact family or friends in the US). I bribed him with cigarettes to turn that back on. Then I went out.

Coming home, he has drank more than 1/2 of that bottle and is once again passed out. He has consumed all the booze in the house, so tomorrow should be a drying out day. Meanwhile I contacted a friend in the US who is a forensic psychologist and I contacted a few others. So at least some people know what's going on this holiday eve.

Validation and Surnia... .thank you so so so very much. Scarlet, you are an angel. I will keep your info handy. And yes, living in a new city/country is a challenge in and of itself... .dealing with BPD is a whole other ballgame when isolated. Any other emergency info, such as a hotline, would be real good! I don't think this is over yet.  Thank you all.

[Surnia]

Good to see you again!

I agree with you, it isnt over. The link above has a lot of phone numbers, you can choose the one of your aerea.

Please keep always your phone with you, and it would be wise to have a bag somewhere hided with the impotant things you need for emergency exit.

[sadinsweden]

He's back banging on the door again. Telling me what a lazy person I am because I won't walk to the gas station and get him cigarettes. He's snearing at me. "Get off the feeder and go check the scale"  :'(

I can't leave this room now. But when I can (perhaps he will leave the apartment tomorrow) I will put together the bag.

[Validation78]

Hi Again!

Please remember, safety first. If you feel the least bit threatened or in fear for your safety, get out of there. Now that you have some contact info., you should be able to reach out for help if you need it. Don't take any chances when it comes to your well being! Stay safe!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Surnia]

The phone number for emergency help (police, firemen, ambulance) is 112.

114 14 is the number for when it's less urgent.

You'll find women shelters all over Sweden on this page, with contact information www.roks.se/har-finns-hjalp/kvinnojourer

The swedish link has a lot of phone numbers. What about call a DV hotline now?

They can guide you.

[sadinsweden]

Finally he sleeps. He's locked himself into our bedroom and barricaded the doors ... .from the outside? (Like the lock isn't enough?). So once again I find I'm sleeping on the couch while he sleeps in our comfy bed... .this will go on for days. The apartment will remain trashed because he will not clean it up... .and by god neither will I. Tomorrow is Christmas and the liquor stores are closed (relief) but Wednesday he'll go and get another box of wine. What a Christmas nightmare. All day I've been going thru this. Being threatened, being insulted over and over. Scared for my safety because of a cigarette. I can't believe I'm finding myself in this situation. I've never been here before. The SO's in my life were never alcoholics, or abusive in any way, or mentally ill (except for my parents who both had Alzheimer's disease). Now that both parents are passed and my sons are grown, I thought this was my chance to enjoy the rest of my life with a great guy, in a great country. I sold everything I had to come here... .my house, my car, my belongings. I gave up a very nice business and career.  :'(

I have entered all the emergency contact info into my cell phone and also backed it up on Google contacts. I have also taken photographs of the livingroom. But the contacts in the links which Scarlet provided, I don't know how available these guys are on a 24 hr basis. It doesn't seem that they have emergency numbers... .or are those numbers the emergency numbers?  I also checked out Al-anon in Sweden and there appears to be several groups in my city... .also an international English speaking group (on a street that I can't seem to locate but ok... .one step at a time).

I honestly don't know that I can go thru this again. I'm seriously considering going back to the US or waiting it out here (very low profile) until my residence permit become permanent. Then maybe I can continue my life in this wonderful city but move the hell out of here. (It's a slippery slope as my residence here is dependent on this man. It's a HUGE problem here in Sweden as I understand many woman come here and discover their SO's are abusive. Migration board may well deport me if I raise a stink.

Meanwhile... .I have about 8 hours until christmas hell starts all over again. And Surnia and Validation... .I will remember your words and keep your warm thoughts in my heart. Thank you so much everyone, and Scarlet, again for those numbers and links, for being here for me. I don't know what I would have done without you. I was really really scared.

[sadinsweden]

Oh and Surnia... .what is a DV hotline?

[Validation78]

A DV hotline is Domestic Violence Hotline.

I don't know for sure about those numbers being 24 hour contacts. However, I venture to guess that they would be available round the clock as the situations that arise for which they are needed don't just come up during the day.

If you cannot get a hold of someone at any of those shelters, just call the police. Being in fear for your safety is no laughing matter, and I feel sure that the police will not take it lightly!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hello again,

Relieved to hear that you are not hurt! Sorry I haven't answered before now, here in France the big Christmas celebration was this evening.

As for the link with the numbers: some of the women's shelters don't say when they are open. Others state for example "Alla dagar kl. 17.00-20.00" which means "Every day from 5pm to 8pm" or "Vardagar kl. 8.00 - 16.30" meaning "Weekdays 8am to 4.30pm". "Jourtelefon" means "hotline" normally, but I see some of them have both "jourtelefon" and "mobil" which means "cellphone".

And I agree with Val78. If you can't get through to a hotline when you need to, call the police at 112! They will help you.

Please feel free to send me a personal message with any addresses you need located or other sensitive information in Swedish that you need help with!

[sadinsweden]

I finally had to call the police. He told them "the relationship is over". But finally the raging and the abuse has stopped.

[Surnia]

sadinsweden

Great you could call and so sad that you had to call! 

So you are both at home now? 

[sadinsweden]

Hey Surnia, Yeah, we are both home ... .and I'm exhausted. He is, of course, really pissed. (God, they sent 5 or 6 cops to the door). I explained to him, while the police were here, that I didn't want to call them, but he left me no choice. This episode had been going on for over 16 straight hours. The event that prompted me to call was that at 1am, he was repeatedly scratching and tapping at the locked door to the spare room (I swear it was like Jack Nicholson in "the Shining" demanding his cell phone (?). I felt that if he was able to get thru that locked door... .ohhh, I was going to be in trouble. He was diabolical at that point.

While the police were here, I requested that we all sit down and chat a bit. I reminded BPD that I "warned" him during our last fight that if he continued to rant and rage at me in this fashion, that I would call the police. He acknowledged that I did in fact say that. Oddly, somehow I got the impression that he gained some respect for me in doing that. Whatever that might be, I'm pretty sure that today isn't going to be pretty. He told the police that our relationship is over. Not sure how to proceed.

Btw... I'm just now seeing some posts you made here. I did not see those before.

[sadinsweden]

Scarlet, Thanks for that info as well. I did actually locate a hotline number on that website link you provided. And yes, I will certainly keep you in mind if I have other questions. Those translations are helpful. Thanks.

[Surnia]

I could imagine that you are running in lack of sleep... .

Perhaps you can find today someone of a DV shelter to speak with her.

Whad did the police say or do?

These incidences are so scaring! I went through 2 episodes with my bipolar brother who was in complete drunken rage, not in the same apartment but in the same building. The neighbors called the police.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Scarlet, Thanks for that info as well. I did actually locate a hotline number on that website link you provided. And yes, I will certainly keep you in mind if I have other questions. Those translations are helpful. Thanks.

I'm so sorry you are living this, but I'm glad to hear that you were able to call the police. Take care of yourself!

[Rockylove]

Oh, sadinsweden... .PLEASE be careful!  Feeling unsafe in your own home is NOT the happiness you were seeking regardless of how wonderful he is when he's not raging.

[Surnia]

sadinsweden

Are you okay?