Custody update.

[Matt]

Your state probably has custody criteria.  Your lawyer should know, or you can find them online.  Or if your state doesn't have any, find the ones established in Minnesota - they are considered the Gold Standard - 9 criteria courts are supposed to use to establish custody.

Then consider each one and how you can show you're the best by that criteria.  Get that evidence in front of the court - mostly positive stuff about you but if there is evidence that's negative about the other parent, and it's fair and appropriate, include that too.  You may not want to label the information "9 Minnesota Criteria", just organize it so that all the evidence about each issue is together, with a summary saying, "Attachments A, B and C show that Mr. Jed is able to provide for all of Child's material needs.  Attachments D and E show that Mr. Jed is blah blah blah."  Etc.

[livednlearned]

But I screwed up my life by taking a deal one time, do I want to screw up my kids lives by taking a deal now?  Or do I just go for it and do what I think is right regardless.  

You do what you can -- your "reasonable best" is how ForeverDad puts it. It's hard to save the maiden and battle pneumonia while fighting the dragons knowing that marauders are plundering your village and torching your home. Not the easiest time to be making excellent win-win decisions for all. Go easy on yourself right now, and forgive whatever choices you made that got you here. You're a good father and a good person, and you will make it through this.

But about your question -- you seem to already know the answer. You made a deal before and it didn't go well. For me, I did my reasonable best and I'm broke, but I would rather turn things around financially over the next 5-10 years than worry to death about my son.

I

[DivDad]

As for co parenting sessions,  one suggestion is to have one or two sessions with just you and the therapist.  Offer the same to the Bline.  If both of you are always in the same session, the Bline will dominateand manipulate the agenda and conversation.   Having a separate session, you can download what is happening and not worry about a rebuttle coming back.  With one therapist, I copied the BPD traits off the internet and checked off all the ones to show my ex had 75% of the traits.  You can also download to the therapist all the bazaar stories and situations that have occured by the Bline.  Pay for these separate sessions.  Don't share in the expenses.  If the therapist doesn't think it's a good idea.   Drop them and find another.   

[livednlearned]

As for co parenting sessions,  one suggestion is to have one or two sessions with just you and the therapist.  Offer the same to the Bline.  If both of you are always in the same session, the Bline will dominateand manipulate the agenda and conversation.   Having a separate session, you can download what is happening and not worry about a rebuttle coming back.  With one therapist, I copied the BPD traits off the internet and checked off all the ones to show my ex had 75% of the traits.  You can also download to the therapist all the bazaar stories and situations that have occured by the Bline.  Pay for these separate sessions.  Don't share in the expenses.  If the therapist doesn't think it's a good idea.   :)rop them and find another.   

Yeah, I agree. You wrote

I had co=parenting with her yesterday with the same therapist that use to be our marriage therapist.

That is just going to hurt you. You may have to stick with the coparenting sessions, but definitely look for a new T. There are Ts who have special training in it. Even if you MC has training in it, there's too much history. When I met with the coparenting T the first time, my questions were all about safety. Coparenting is not safe when there has been domestic violence, so if you can't get out of it, then at least find a T who is not passive.

It makes a huge difference. The PC we use is very effective at setting reasonable boundaries. You need something similar. N/BPDx crosses the reasonable boundaries all the time, and that helps my case. Given how much you're going through, any small gain in feeling protected is going to go a long way.

[sfbayjed]

I think you are right. I need to work on getting a different CP therapist.  The problem right now is that it is a court order.  I am going to call him and express my concers.  I do believe he is too passive and may not be experienced with high conflict personalities.  

Ex took the kids with her to look at appartments and then told them not to tell me about it. I had phone contact with my daughter yesterday and she said "we went to look at appartments, no, no I mean we went to the playground" and then laughed.   It's obvious that the ex is starting with the parential alienation.  

this thing with her and her lawyer making the offer to pay the rent and utilities pending the CE, then giving 30 days notice on the house 2 weeks later, knowing I am out of work seems highly unethical. My lawyer thinks so to. It bothers me that the CP therapist didnt seem to grasp that.

We are going to go back to court with it to request sanctions and support.   It really puts me in a bad situation and that was the point.  She is very transparent.  I can almost see how her minds work.   "I'll move out, he wont be able to get a place and will be homeless, therefore I will get the kids."  Of course she has cut her hours back to part time as well so I wont be able to get enough support.  What ever it takes to screw Jed over.

Luckily I have a little bit of money saved up and I can stay a few months if the landlord lets me.  the rent is high on the house, being the bay area.  

I need to contact the landlord soon.  

I have an interview today, hopefully that goes well.  

[ForeverDad]

Of course she has cut her hours back to part time as well so I wont be able to get enough support.

There is CA case law that a spouse can't purposely cut back on work and expect to reduce support.  I think it referenced a doctor that quit and started working flipping burgers and the court gave him a haircut.

I wonder if her excuse will be that she needed to make more time for the children... .  

However, there's probably also law that says being out of work may not be much of an excuse either since it's possible to subtly sabotage job searches.

[livednlearned]

I think you are right. I need to work on getting a different CP therapist.  The problem right now is that it is a court order.  I am going to call him and express my concers.  I do believe he is too passive and may not be experienced with high conflict personalities.  

I know it can be a hassle -- everything is a hassle when divorcing a pwBPD, and you've been beaten down. Making a change probably makes you feel weary to the bone. In your case, I think it will actually make you feel better to do this one thing even though it might not seem like a huge gain. Find out from your L what it will take to switch to another CP. The courts have lists of CPs usually, but I would do your own search. Find 2 or 3 that you think look good and give your ex the option so it looks like good faith. Just an FYI, too -- a lot of Ts who do coparenting are forensic psychologists. It's a sweeping stereotype, but many people go into forensic psychology for the money. I did research into the coparenting T we were assigned, and she had dollar signs in her eyes. I looked up her credentials, and she graduated with a Phd from a for-profit university. I don't know about other degrees from those universities, but psychologists -- they get virtually no ethics training and much less clinical experience at for-profit institutions. Just sayin'.

It bothers me that the CP therapist didnt seem to grasp that.

Yeah, you're right. Marriage counseling is very different than coparenting. Sounds like your T can't make the switch.

I have an interview today, hopefully that goes well.  

Good luck with the interview!

[sfbayjed]

I think I have a good lawyer. We are going back to court asking for sactions for increasing the cost of litigation, majority custody pending the CE, and delaying coparenting until ex's anger management is complete.   The coparenting is on hold for at least a week now, as I have insisted that boundries be set before I continue.   Sitting one hour with her affected me for days.  It is hard to explain that to someone and have them believe you. I just cant do it at this point. 

The ex has been talking to the landlord and has painted me black in his eyes.  I called and asked if I could stay. His first response was no.  I explained the situation, I guess ex told him she was moving out of the kids, and I am sure she told him all about how I am an unemployed wife beating drug addict or alcoholic and what ever else she came up with.  He requsted I have my lawyer call him and she did.   She explained the situation and said that it seemed like the landlord thought I was the bad guy and that the ex had likely been talking with him. 

So, I was thinking of trying to inform the landlord about distortion campains and maybe give him some of the information on the case to hopefully change the way he sees me.   He has likely never heard of BPD.  I would really like to stay here for  now.  I think this guys opinion of me is going to be a big factor on the kids and I staying here or now.   It seems like the ex has been talking to the man for quite a while.

I should consider myself lucky because the landlord is the only one that I am aware of that the distortion has worked on so far.

[Matt]

If you can't work it out with the landlord, consider subpoenaing him at some point, to testify about what she told him.

[BentNotBroken]

I would bet she has been working on the landlord for months if not longer. My BPDexgf did the same with family, neighbors, acquaintances, etc. Very few of them would speak to me at all, and only a couple of people would tell me what she actually said to them. The rest of them treated me like I was a child molester. It would not surprise me if she went that far, considering the other things I have proof of her doing.

I think I warned you a while back not to underestimate your BPD. They are mentally ill but definitely not stupid.

[ForeverDad]

It's possible the landlord can't imagine that at least some of the things ex said about you aren't true.  He may be convinced that with as much smoke as she was blowing his way, surely there must have been a fire there somewhere.  It's hard for a normal person not to be swayed when inundated by such a vehement and emotionally convincing magnitude of allegations, even when there are no facts or proofs.

So, how do you convince someone to stop being convinced by the other?  You could talk until you're blue in the face and you still might not connect, or the landlord could still have some remaining doubts.  If you can't convince the landlord to discount her ":)istortion Campaign", then what?  Why not review the section of Stop Walking on Eggshells around page 192 and even highlight the important points and then read to him right from the book - let the book be the authority - showing step by step that what is warned about there is precisely her pattern of behaviors and allegations?  Yes, you can't claim any specific diagnosis, but the point is, If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then... .  

[Matt]

Yes, you can't claim any specific diagnosis, but the point is, If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then... .  

That would work better if the landlord had ever seen - or even heard of - a duck.

Imagine trying to describe a platypus to someone who had never heard of them.

[sfbayjed]

My ex got dumped by her lawyer. My lawyer told me that her lawyer said she dumped her because she is unethical for violated the stipulation we just made and because she is a bad mom.  Wow!  So here comes lawyer number 2.   We are requesting an emergency hearing and serving the new lawyer.   

I got all the paperwork to give the landlord, copies of all the court stuff too so he can see she how she lies.  I hope he lets me stay.  If he doesnt let me stay, I am staying anyway as I am not going to be ready to move anywhere.

[livednlearned]

It's a weird world when it's good news that our exes get dumped by their lawyers, but I totally understand how it feels. My ex's L just withdrew and I did a bit of a victory dance. We need to celebrate the small gains 

I hope things work out with your landlord and living situation. 

Hang in there.

[BentNotBroken]

Well, it seems to be the season for the BPDexes to switch lawyers. Mine got dumped by her bulldog atty back in Nov. Her new attorney still doesn't have a clue. Let the New, old lies begin again. Hopefully it doesn't take him as long to figure it out.

Best of luck in your emergency hearing.

[sanemom]

It's a weird world when it's good news that our exes get dumped by their lawyers, but I totally understand how it feels. My ex's L just withdrew and I did a bit of a victory dance. We need to celebrate the small gains 

I hope things work out with your landlord and living situation. 

Hang in there.

There is definitely something in the air there... .  I bet some of the lawyers are narcissists and are attracted to the BPD.  But it is good when they see the light... .  

[sfbayjed]

For me it is validating after all the years in the FOG to see that someone else can see she is crazy.  Not just someone else but her own attorney.  I know it does little for my case but it is good to see that her facade is trasparent to others.  

[peace]

For me it is validating after all the years in the FOG to see that someone else can see she is crazy.  Not just someone else but her own attorney.  I know it does little for my case but it is good to see that her facade is trasparent to others.  

I agree that it is validating but at the same time it makes me feeling so stupid for spending so many years with the man without understanding what the problem was -him!

[livednlearned]

For me it is validating after all the years in the FOG to see that someone else can see she is crazy.  Not just someone else but her own attorney.  I know it does little for my case but it is good to see that her facade is trasparent to others.  

I underestimated how much I needed that validation. And when it is your ex's lawyer(s), there is this other temptation early on to want to convince them that you are not the bad person your ex paints you to be. My lawyer and people here always say to not worry about what the opposing party's L thinks -- it's their ethical duty to represent their client.

But it is awful hearing a total stranger take such an adversarial stance against you, based on lies and distortions and false allegations. The last time I saw my ex's lawyer, we ended up in the elevator with him (and my lawyer). That was after N/BPDx's major episode this summer, and I could tell he had a new opinion about me. He gave me an almost imperceptible look of kindness, just a few muscles around his mouth and eyes, and it took me by surprise how much that mattered.

[sfbayjed]

I offered to give the landlord a' last months rent ' and I can finish out the lease until June. Showed him the court papers (public record anyway)  He accepted my offer.  I am not sure if I can stay past then but I am good for now. I am going to have to be very frugal.  The ex is moving to a bad part of town, the schools there suck.  There are apartments in this school zone, so with a little bit of good fortune I think I can pull if off and keep them in the same school and they can go on to middle school with their friends. There must be someone looking out for me. 

[livednlearned]

If you can help keep the kids in the same schools and school district, that will reflect favorably on you in front of the judge. Courts tend to want as much consistency as possible for the kids.

Glad to hear things are holding steady for you. Take heart in these small gains!

LnL

[Matt]

You can probably find some good information online, about the quality of the schools - their average test scores should be on each school's web site, or you can probably find them somewhere else - and also about the crime rates in each neighborhood.  Make the case - with data - that this neighborhood and this school are objectively safer and better than the other party's part of town.

[sfbayjed]

I have been very stressed. It was starting to effect my health. I have been to the doctor, got on some anti-depresents and learned for breathing exercises which have helped a little. and got my thinking about trying something like yoga to help remove the stress. I have still been completely stressed though. Because I had court this morning.

Well we got new temp orders pending the custody evaluation. Mom has the kids every other weekend friday after school until monday bedtime. and on the alterante week a dinner visit on monday night from after school until bedtime.   Kind of a tweeked version of EOW and a dinner visit.   

[ForeverDad]

   To get the temporary order changed favorably before an evaluation is in is great.  It indicates the court saw a real need for change.

In my case, I had alternate weekends and an evening in between for over two years in two temp orders, one post-separation and the other post-filing.  The second one was issued after my ex had blocked my father-child contation totally for 3 months which had forced me to file for divorce in order to get court intervention.  Eleven months later the court's own social worker recommended my parenting time be increased to 50%.  Court just moved on to the next step.  Five months later the custody evaluator report stated she should immediately lose temp custody.  Court just moved on to the next step.  That's why I say this action by the court is good, it has enough information already to impel it to adjust the parenting time while waiting for the next report.

[livednlearned]

It's hard to see what's happening when you're in it, but I agree with FD -- this bodes well. We see ALL the bad behavior, and it seems like the courts don't. But they do see a lot. It's just that they move so freakishly slow, and they have to do everything by the book. When you make small gains like this, it's a really good sign.

Your ex is "high-functioning" the same way my ex is. They can hold down a job, but that's about it. Your ex has done a lot of things to shoot herself in the foot, all by herself, not even prompted by you. Mine did the same thing. I'm now at 96% custody and if you told me this would happen 2 years ago when I was freshly separated, I never would have believed you.

One of the stress busters that is recommended when it starts to affect health is mindfulness-based stress reduction. They have programs for teens where I live, but you'll have to look to see if there's anything offered in your area: www.tinyurl.com/findMBSR.

[ForeverDad]

To add to the goodness, however seemingly minimal, you moving from equal time to majority time makes it very likely it won't go back to the way it was.  Having majority time also makes it a virtual slam dunk that you will be Residential Parent for School Purposes.

Yes, there is still contact with alternate weekends & a visit in between as though the other parent was more or less normal.  There may or may not be additional changes recommended or ordered.  But it's much better than it was.  Rejoice in that.

[Matt]

I agree - this is an important step forward.

Will the evaluation include objective psych evals, like the MMPI-2?

Can you request that - maybe ask the evaluator if she has the authority to do that?

[livednlearned]

Yes, there is still contact with alternate weekends & a visit in between as though the other parent was more or less normal.  There may or may not be additional changes recommended or ordered.  But it's much better than it was.  Rejoice in that.

And your ex, over time, will start to unload some of her custodial time unofficially, if she is similar to many of the BPD sufferers dealing with custody.

When you get things stabilized, your kids will start to bounce back too. My son was considered "at risk" at 8 years old, and now he's thriving by any measure. I can barely believe it. Not saying it will be a cakewalk, but just having a stable home, even if it's only part of the week, goes a long way. The stress will start to decrease once you're through this interim period when things are in such flux, and it will get easier.

[sfbayjed]

I do not know if the evaluation will include the MMPI-2 because we both took it in '09.   We are getting an "updated costody evaluation" I am not sure what that means. 

I really hope there is a way I can figure out how to stay in this rental home. It is at the end of the court, there are kids the same age in the court too.  I dont have enough income to pull it off in the long term as things are.

The landlord actualy showed up at the hearing and testified. It's all so much stranger than fiction.

A friend pointed out that I might not be doing well at selling myself at interviews because I am "stressed and depressed". Seems to be an acurate observation. It is important to take care of yourself and exercise. This is something I have neglected. I have actualy gained 20 pounds in the last few months.  I am going to make an effort to reverse this trend starting today.   

 

[Matt]

Daily cardiovascular exercise - running, swimming, etc. for about half an hour - is also a big help for depression.