Trying to trust

[Wishful thinking]

So ive read about BPD and emotional affairs.

Its xmas. And we just had our usual fight

A liitle bit of background. My H has been in contact with an old high school sweetheart for the past 3 months or so. What turned out to be catching up on old and lost time soon became a chatting for a few hours every night ignoring me and not wanting to spend time with me.

He never leaves the house and spends countless time watching tv, laptop, and chatting via phone.

A few weeks ago i found some love letters to this particular woman and also to another.

When i approached him he said he would stop after telling me how afraid he was that he might lose me. Because we have been having problems for the last 3 months i vented through bbm to my sister saying pretty nasty things about him. I was merely venting. Unfortunately i forgot my phone at home one morning and he happened to go thru those undeleted messages. I accept the fact that i dishonored my husband by saying such nasty things about him. I also claimed in those messages to my sister that Im not marriage material and maybe it would be best to leave the marriage mentioning divorce.

Through this website i have learnt alot and can see why he couldve taken what i said to my sister so literal. It will probably take a long time for him to trust me again.

I confronted him regarding these long chats with this woman who lives in a different country.  

After much deliberation etc he stopped all contact with her for a few days. Shes married and she initiated to talk to him. He obviously replied. And so he told me that shes only a friend and he is not prepared to give her up

I made it clear to him that i cannot tolerate this. As he is giving all his attention and affection mind you by being this confidant to her. Shes not having a good time in her 20 yrs of marriage and hes offering her the friendly support she needs. Theyve been exchanging pictures of each other chatting emailing on a daily basis.

I then made it clear that if he was to continue with this, i would move out of our bedroom. After 3 nights he said he loved me and will break all contac with her. I then moved back into the bedroom. And live happilly ever after where we both are trying to salvage our trust and marriage.  

Hes suddenly this changed man. Doing things for me etc. cooking xmas supper. Being funny and interacting with me. Only problem now, he comes to bed every night at 2am. He carries his phone everywhere he goes in the house. Even to the bathroom and toilet.

I have made some changes to the pc to save the history of browsed website and have found him browsing love poems, love stories etc. i also encountered some you tube lesbian sex stories etc. and above all, i still thinks hes chatting to his 'friend'

I dont have any proof as he doesnt want me to go near his phone. He is online on his chat messages which can see from my phone from the time i leave to go to bed. And sometimes before he come up to bed i can actually hear him stop in his tracks and sending his goodnyt messages to this other woman.

Tonight i wanted to see with my own eyes whether he was texting her or not. Went downstairs to find him in front of the tv. The volume was almost on silent. And he got up (it was 01h45) and sneeked the phone into his pocket and slipped off to the bathroom.

On returning i could see on my phone that he disconnected his online status.

On gently talking to him about it he threw a tantrum. That im calling him a liar. That i cant trust him. And that im going to ruin our marriage.

I even tried to ask him to help me trust him by giving me access to his phone and emails as beore but he refuses. Its all the little hings in his behavior that makes me suspicious. But he always turns the topic around making it my fault.

I cant see myself being able to trust him. Not like this. And im sure he feels the same.

He is sound asleep right now. And im up unable to go back to sleep. Worried about him me and us.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[forgottenarm]

Hi Swaarm,

That sounds like a really distressing situation.  I wish I had some good advice for you regarding how to set boundaries regarding this other relationship.  Hopefully, you'll get some good responses from people who've had more experience with that.

In my BPD relationship, I had a lot of experience being triangulated, though, and something about your post made me think about that angle.  My ex would often concoct situations to make me jealous and I think he also used me to make other women desirous.  He just liked setting up triangles like that.  I think it made him feel more secure somehow.  So, my first reaction was that it might help to dial down your own reactions a bit, to make that part of this less gratifying for him.  By threatening to leave the bedroom or leave the relationship, you stoke it up and yes, he'll respond until he knows he has you back.  Then, it's back to pushing until you react again.  You can stop the dance if you control your own reactions and try not to play into it.

This article might be helpful.  It's about reversing negative cycles by focusing on positive behaviors:

Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement

All that said, I can totally understand why you'd object to any outside relationship he might be having.  I guess that's where I'm at a loss.  I'm not sure how you can set a boundary without playing into the triangulation, but I do see why you'd want that boundary.

[united for now]

You triggered his fear of being abandoned. He is in the pull phase, or honeymoon phase trying to please you - for now.

This is about your needs though - not his.

If you could wake up tomorrow and your life would be perfect, what would be different?

And then, what is within your power to change?

[Rockylove]

I'm just throwing this out there, but I feel like I can relate to some extent.  I was deceived as to how involved my BPD/SO was with his ex wife.  When we first met, he claimed he was storing some "stuff" at his house for a friend.  Turned out that friend was his ex-wife and the entire house was trashed... .with her stuff!  There was barely space to maneuver through the rooms wading through boxes and in some rooms, piles and piles of crap!  I'd only seen things like this on the show "Hoarders" and it made me think that this guy was totally being taken advantage of.  We can only be taken advantage of if we allow it... .and he did.  And she contacted him constantly even though there was a restraining order against her.  And he answered her.  And it went on and on.  I was frustrated as all get out.  He told me that she would only be an issue if I let her be.  But it continued.  I was getting paranoid and checking his phone when he was asleep.  I blocked her on his AOL chat.  I pressed him to stop communication with her.  He said he didn't want to be mean and that he felt sorry for her.

I finally gave up.  I stopped looking at his phone and his emails... .I stopped asking who was texting him.  He deletes all texts except those that are from me.  I'm not going to worry about it any more because if he wants the dysfunctional relationship they had, he can have it.  If he wants to keep bailing her out and being her hero... .he can.  I've no control over what he does with that... .but I've gained a sense of freedom because I stopped behaving a certain way and he has recently responded by burning all of the old love letters he kept from her.   Perhaps it's done and he's let go... .perhaps I'm deluding myself... .but at least I don't feel angry and frustrated any more.

[Wishful thinking]

Its been a while and im back online again...

@united for now

If you could wake up tomorrow and your life would be perfect, what would be different?

And then, what is within your power to change?

Im extremely analytical so i need to ask what it is that you are asking. Lol. Pls dont be offended. Its a question i would love to answer. Just need to understand the angle its coming from.

@rockylove.

This is exactly the conclusion i got to. Its no use me stressing bout who he is contacting. He told me he isnt doing it and i need to respect him. Worrying and snooping around is not gonna help me at all.

The lat week or so has been much better and i try and keep busy with my own things.

Its been helpful.

[united for now]

  honesty helps and is very appreciated 

I asked because your message seemed lost as to how to create any change.

There is a big difference between what you want and what you are getting. We call this the reality gap, and it is a very painful feeling.


Imagining your perfect life and what it would contain not only helps you identify your worries, it allows allows you to see what needs to be changed.

Imagining Your perfect dream life can help you determine what is within your control and what isn't.

Hope this helps clarify