Deep breath, we survived Christmas. Our 26 year old daughter with (undiagnosed) BPD invited us all over very early Christmas morning to watch the kids open their presents. Kids are 2 and 6. I mostly stayed quiet, since I don't have a good grasp of this new skillset yet.]
Sometimes survival is the best we can do. And gritting of teeth, biting of tongue. Sounds like it worked to keep the volume level down and kept he focus on the gdkids. Kids can be so relisilent - they are perfect ones to practice your validation skills with when you are alone with them - if allowed a visit like that. My gd really has responded to my validation. Allow youself baby steps.
Btw, I have checked into a nearby therapist who is familiar with BPD and dbt. I don't think I'll be able to afford it though.
Sometimes we have to buy the DBT workbook and train our T - need to find one willing. Maybe one with CBT experience as that is a good starting place. Sometimes the validation skills are there, just called another name. Can share the book on this too. "I Don't Have to Make It All Better" is an easy read with practical steps.
Back to story, daughter sat and sulked the first two hours of the visit. I don't know what was going wrong for her, and didn't ask. In the past, asking her what is "wrong" only leads to snarky answers, and I didn't want that while kids were opening presents. So what to do with sulking? Anything? I did my best to ignore, but I could see out of my peripheral vision she was looking at me while sulking... .She will often say provocative things, and look right at me to see my reaction. I did not react. Are there other choices here?
This could be your D looking for some drama to 'validate' her negative emotions - to put you into a victim place and her into a power place. And when we first start changing our responses, it usually creates some kind of change in our BPDkids. Glad your D seemed puzzled and did not repsond in a loud way. Maybe the Christmas focus on the kids helped here.
What to do when she says things to the kids that are inappropriate and hurtful. Like, "if you don't do hit__ right now, I'm going to throw away all of your presents." The kids did not react, so I followed suit and also did my best not to react, although I know I cringed.
I know how hard this is. This was my experience the past few days with DD - though I am now able to make some limited comment without an out and out rage back from her. I have to step lightly though - and if I can respond in a validating way to gd7 without saying anything to DD directly it works better. This is modeling validation for DD. Hope it can last beyond her need for my support to stay on her probation -- hope it lasts beyond probation.
Needless to say, Christmas was not Merry, and I've given myself a permission slip to not be available next year.
I'm trying my best to accept my limitations right now, while trying baby steps forward. Also, any advice on the aftermath of an experience like this? I felt awful afterward, and it spoiled our whole day. I wish I could just let it go, but I get sort of obsessed on running it back through my mind, and what could I have done differently.
Thank you!
Takes practice to let go - and to keep on with the practice. Kind of like any mindfulness practice whether meditation, yoga, prayer, excercise -- all those self care things. Do you have better thoughts or memories that can help push out or distract the obsessing thinking (without bringing up too much sadness)? I tend to talk and talk and talk to dh - he has to say 'enough' sometimes, esp. at night when we need to sleep and the thoughts are so loud.
Hang in there - you will keep getting better and better. Then others around you will respond in better and better ways too.
qcr
