Memory distortion or calculated?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Something a little strange happened at Xmas. It's not that he hasn't done similar things before but it leaves me so bewildered how an otherwise fully functioning person can choose to behave like this and how does it actually play out in his (their) minds.

Background:

My uBPDbf (perhaps ex as we broke up a week before Xmas but he doesn't seem to think we are broken up anyway somehow) had decided to spend Xmas just him and his kids and leave me and my D alone by ourselves. He has been depressed and down for a while and that was the reason he gave me. It seems he is triangulating (read definition) me and his kids at the moment. We have been together for 4 years and during that time he has fluctuated between needing me to be his everything, and a mom to his kids and for us to be as close as possible having a totally symbiotic r/s to pushing me away, needing space, distance, as pwBPDs do. But lately he was even talking about moving in together, about getting married.

Here's the thing:

We spoke every day leading up to him and his kids leaving for Xmas. He told me he was feeling so guilty for hurting me. Then I don't hear from him for a couple of days but on Xmas Day he sends me a text, obviously a group text because I got it on both my phones at the same time exactly, but also because it read: "Merry Xmas and have a great day with your loved ones" and he knows I have no family. When I ask if this is a group text he says yes and immediately sends me another one basically the same but in our other language (we have two). I respond by telling him that's not very special and he sends me this: "That one was special. You don't send me anything nor do you appreciate anything."

What is that all about? Why do they all of a sudden reduce us to having no importance in their lives? He has made me #1 in his life which he has also told me I am on a number of occasions. I know it is the illness, but how does it actually work? Does he all of a sudden feel that I have a new detached connection to him or can't he remember how close we really are or is it more of a calculated thing to hurt me? And about his response - can he really be angry or upset and hurt that I didn't appreciate his treating me like I am just anybody in his life… really? Can he seriously not understand that I would be hurt by this text from him when he blew me off over Xmas?

[mitti]

Something a little strange happened at Xmas. It's not that he hasn't done similar things before but it leaves me so bewildered how an otherwise fully functioning person can choose to behave like this and how does it actually play out in his (their) minds.

Background:

My uBPDbf (perhaps ex as we broke up a week before Xmas but he doesn't seem to think we are broken up anyway somehow) had decided to spend Xmas just him and his kids and leave me and my D alone by ourselves. He has been depressed and down for a while and that was the reason he gave me. It seems he is triangulating (read definition) me and his kids at the moment. We have been together for 4 years and during that time he has fluctuated between needing me to be his everything, and a mom to his kids and for us to be as close as possible having a totally symbiotic r/s to pushing me away, needing space, distance, as pwBPDs do. But lately he was even talking about moving in together, about getting married.

Here's the thing:

We spoke every day leading up to him and his kids leaving for Xmas. He told me he was feeling so guilty for hurting me. Then I don't hear from him for a couple of days but on Xmas Day he sends me a text, obviously a group text because I got it on both my phones at the same time exactly, but also because it read: "Merry Xmas and have a great day with your loved ones" and he knows I have no family. When I ask if this is a group text he says yes and immediately sends me another one basically the same but in our other language (we have two). I respond by telling him that's not very special and he sends me this: "That one was special. You don't send me anything nor do you appreciate anything."

What is that all about? Why do they all of a sudden reduce us to having no importance in their lives? He has made me #1 in his life which he has also told me I am on a number of occasions. I know it is the illness, but how does it actually work? Does he all of a sudden feel that I have a new detached connection to him or can't he remember how close we really are or is it more of a calculated thing to hurt me? And about his response - can he really be angry or upset and hurt that I didn't appreciate his treating me like I am just anybody in his life… really? Can he seriously not understand that I would be hurt by this text from him when he blew me off over Xmas?

[thisyoungdad]

All i had to do was read the title and know that I could relate. I really can relate. My wife and I, who are currently separated, had a wonderful holiday together with our daughter. In fact the last 2 weeks have been wonderful. Then yesterday afternoon something was said that I was hurt by and I tried to express it in the same ways I have been, which is using statements such as "I felt hurt when I heard you say that" which is how our couple's therapist has been asking us to work on it. I also said I take responsibility for my reaction but unlike normal all hell broke loose after that and today got really bad.

I have been wondering the same thing as you, especially when she told me she doesn't "owe" me any common courtesy or to be polite to me! I was speechless. Needless to say I understand what you are talking about, and I have no answers but I do look forward to seeing the relies. I had planned to write on this issue myself but you pretty much covered my question.

[Validation78]

Hi Mitti!

I know this doesn't really give you an answer to your question, however, it is the only thing I can think of, he is mentally ill, and there isn't logic behind all of the behaviors. Remember, pwBPD are motivated by emotion, and live in the moment. Perhaps he is emotionally distraught over your recent struggles too, and just cannot get himself under control. I do see some projection here too. There are some things about himself and his behavior that he doesn't like, so he manages to twist it around as if it is you behaving in a hurtful way.

Bottom line, the best way to handle these questions is through Radical Acceptance. It doesn't give us answers the way we really want them, it allows us to just accept things the way they are, and know that mental illness can create a lot of confusion for them and us. I'll tell you the truth, I still get frustrated by the same stuff as you, however, I feel better knowing what is behind it all, and that I am not imagining  things. Sometimes I even smile when the crap is flying because I don't take it seriously anymore! I know you've been around long enough to be familiar with RA, but perhaps a refresher review will help. I reread the workshop on it all the time!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[mitti]

Hi thisyoungdad,

Yes, this seems to be so common with pwBPDs and it has always puzzled me how they might intellectualize such behavior or responses when to us nons it seems out of place, weird, or just downright bizarre. Cos even though, they base their conclusions on emotions rather than logic, in their minds it must seem logical, at least at the time.

[mitti]

Hi Val78,

Thank you. I do know it's the illness of course but I guess what I am wondering, as in my response to thisyoungdad, is how they would rationalize this in their own minds, what cognitive patterns would make my bfs text to me on Xmas Day seem valid to him when it is odd to most people? And I mean his first text where he is treating me as though I were an acquaintance, nothing more and as though we have no history and haven't recently gone through some very emotional turmoil together.

In his response to my text I believe you are right that he is projecting though I am not sure exactly why more than feeling shame because I called him on his weird text. I usually never do things like that and so he might have felt safe to send it.

This kind of thing appears so commonplace with pwBPDs I am thinking there might be some research into why and how to approach this. What would a T do?

And about RA, I feel that it is gradually getting easier, some days are easier than others though, although I still would like to know what is at the core of some of these behaviors.

[Oneneatguy]

Hi Mitti,

I think issue may be related to object constancy.  The old saying out of sight out of mind is very true with borderlines.  There are articles on this website about it.

[mitti]

Thanks oneneatguy,

I remember reading about object constancy when I first came on here but reading up on it again, I realize that I never really understood how it plays out. I found this from another thread, and thought it was so on the spot.

Maybe the key to understanding is that it is not that they literally do not remember us, it is more that there is no memory of the good feelings that were once there and hence no missing or longing for the good times.

I think they do have a problem with abstract and symbolic thought so they do not hold a positive image of you in their mind. They cannot hold and assimilate to seemingly incongruent images simultaneously. For example, they cannot imagine that a person can be simultaneously a good person, but sometimes have a bad day. Therefore, their last memory is the one that is of the painted black you and there is no recollection or longing for the positive.

This explains how he cannot remember good feelings associated with me or our r/s. Of course it doesn't account for why he seemingly can't remember the role I have had in his life but perhaps that is more to do with a need to distance himself emotionally from me and hence also whatever guilt he has told me he feels, which might also be the reason he text me at all on Xmas Day.

What to do though? I didn't find anything about whatever tools we may have to deal with this. He is obviously still wanting contact with me, keep me in his life and I am still unsure whether I do or not. In fact, whether or not I do, is probably almost totally dependent on how we might be able to deal with situations like this, caused by object constancy and projection, i.e. his distorted recollection of events.

Any ideas? Has anybody dealt with this in T?

[Oneneatguy]

Mitti

Only you can decide if you want to stay connected or not. Emotionally I am still attached to my ex, however I am burning the bridges.  I have told my ex I do not want to have contact with her.  I know that NC is for the best, though it hurts like crazy.

[Washisheart]

I am also having a hard time accepting that the love we shared & memories we made seem to have no profound effect on the other half of the equation that made "us." The promises, the love, the staying up all night talking like teenage girls at a slumber party, the road trips, the struggles we made it through, my loyalty, my faith in him when he didn't even believe in himself all = nothing.

Like he just took an eraser over the chalk board of his life and I must have just been imagining this... .  

[thisyoungdad]

Washisheart- Sadly I totally understand exactly how you are feeling. It is a horrible and heartbreaking place to be. I have spent the past few months wondering how in the hell or why in the hell this is all happening while frantically trying to make sense of it; only to learn I won't make sense of it probably. Now I get to move on to acceptance and I don't really want to because it hurts like hell but I am slowly seeing how on the days I can live in acceptance my life feels better, but those days are still kind of rare.

[Washisheart]

That's where I am tyd.

This morning I felt great & re-energized for life. Then it got dark out, and my two friends were with their bf's where I was hanging so I just came home. Three weeks ago he was hanging there with me. Now I dont exist

[Oneneatguy]

One thing I notice, is that most of the people on this board pine away for their ex BPD partners.

We should be focusing on ourselves, both in growing as people and making sure our needs are addressed.  I can say in my relationship it was always about her needs.  I remember we went for pre-marriage counselling.

After 2 hours of counselling, the counsellor said to my ex I have heard all about your needs and turned to me and said what about your needs I haven't heard them yet.

One suggestion I have  for NC  is to make a list of all the negative behaviour your partner exhibited.  When you feel yourself pining for the "good times" read the list, mine is like a cold slap in the face, a reminder of why I should never attempt to go back.

[Validation78]

Hey Mitti!

Are you two going to continue your couples counseling? (I thought you said you had been going) Perhaps that would be a good place to explore those questions.

I have to say, that I have not experienced quite that level of forgetting things, however, as many of us have noted, our pwBPD is all about the moment. You have the names for all the behaviors, object constancy and projection, and I agree, that's what it sounds like. I also understand your frustration in having to deal with these behaviors, and although you have a name, and accept it, are still frustrated by having to face it, and don't know what to do about it!

I know for me, just simply ceasing to look for logic, and recognizing the behaviors for what they are has been enough. When I see these things happening, I know in my mind what it is, and am acting on heightened awareness, not allowing myself to be pulled into the madness. You're there Mitti. You've educated yourself, gotten yourself on a good path, and are taking care of yourself. Stay on the path, and don't allow yourself to be tortured by questions that may not even have any real answers. I think he has to come to his own conclusions about the direction he wants to go, and so do you. It may always be this way, and it sounds like you know that on some level, and just cannot make the break while he is still sending mixed signals. Now there's a concept I really get, however, it's wearing very thin for me since I started the practice oneneatguy suggested, of listing the stuff I don't like, and don't want to live with forever!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[mitti]

Only you can decide if you want to stay connected or not. Emotionally I am still attached to my ex, however I am burning the bridges.  I have told my ex I do not want to have contact with her.  I know that NC is for the best, though it hurts like crazy.

Yes, it's not easy. I understand how hard it must have been for you to come a decision to go NC from your ex. Detachment is painful. I haven't decided yet what I want. But I do feel more and more certain that my decision will depend on whether I find a way to tackle projection. I always used to feel we might have a fair chance to make it. We have been in CT for almost a year and saw tremendous progress. It's hard to let that go. I know now though I can which in itself is progress for me from before when I just had no way of dealing with the pain of losing him. I can deal with it now but I'd rather not. I don't want to give up if we still have a chance.

[mitti]

I am also having a hard time accepting that the love we shared & memories we made seem to have no profound effect on the other half of the equation that made "us." The promises, the love, the staying up all night talking like teenage girls at a slumber party, the road trips, the struggles we made it through, my loyalty, my faith in him when he didn't even believe in himself all = nothing.

Like he just took an eraser over the chalk board of his life and I must have just been imagining this... .  

Yes, it's just bizarre how they manage to do erase the good as though it never existed or happened. Throughout our 4 years together this and projection has been the hardest to deal with. Do you still hear from your ex?

[mitti]

We should be focusing on ourselves, both in growing as people and making sure our needs are addressed.  I can say in my relationship it was always about her needs.  I remember we went for pre-marriage counselling.

After 2 hours of counselling, the counsellor said to my ex I have heard all about your needs and turned to me and said what about your needs I haven't heard them yet.

One suggestion I have  for NC  is to make a list of all the negative behaviour your partner exhibited.  When you feel yourself pining for the "good times" read the list, mine is like a cold slap in the face, a reminder of why I should never attempt to go back.

Absolutely, we should be focusing on ourselves. So far I have made such a list mentally only but at least now I am able to remind myself whenever memories get too painful and it provides instant relief actually. But we are not NC and I am not ready to do that either yet but yes, I am prepared should it come to that, it might. But for as long as I see some way of solving whatever issues are hindering progress I prefer to try that. Since he has been so willing to look at himself, went for CT before and is now in T himself, I would be willing to try again should I only get a better understanding of how to deal with his distorted memories. For now he seems to be holding on to them for fear of feelings of guilt. I guess the reality of it is too scary and painful for him.

Our T said something similar to us once, as your pre-marriage counsellor, and helped me voice and communicate my needs to my bf. It was hard for him for he felt this implied his needs would be disregarded, with his black and white thinking. But it clarified things for me and made me realize I had never really let him know what my needs were/are.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Whashiheart and all of you thank you for having the courage to share your life.  This site has done so much to help me move through my incredibly painful recent ending of my seven week of marriage.  I will offer a point of view on the object constancy. My natural inclination is to mourn and grieve the fact that I have lost permanently my exBPD's positive perception of me.  I will forever be our last experience which to her moved her to black.  But could you imagine living a life where you could no longer recall any of your own positive experiences from you life.  At best it would be like looking at a movie you had seen with characters you loved but in this revised screening there is a fog that cloaks them.  You can make out that they are there but there is no longer clarity. My positive childhood memories gone, my positive accomplishments gone, my prior positive love experiences gone.  I would move forward in life into new relationships not only unable to recall what positives I have experienced in the past, not what negatives that cause me to damage relationships.   I am not BPD, but I do recall leaving relationships thinking it was 'her' more than me.  Yet as future relationships ensued I noticed the same issues coming up, realizing I was the common denominator.  This allowed me to grow and have better relationships.  These relationships ended but each one ended with more empathy am less drama.  These people were not BPD.  So this marriage and it's demise was it a big step backwards?  It certainly was more painful, confusing even bizarre; but it also brought me to a new realization:  All of us to a certain degree are addicted to 'control' in most relationships we can maintain a delusion that life can managed, predictable, certain, fair etc.  I believe the BPD in my life shattered this delusion; as I move towards the acceptance of this, if I can actually arrive there I will be more free in my life moving forward; and in that present to new joys that will come when I can stop looking back at what "should" have been or "could have" been.   Happy New Year!

[Washisheart]

No I dont hear from him. It's probably better that way. I am sure eventually I will.

[gottafixit]

It is strange for me, as a newbie, to hear all these familiar stories.  I am divorced from my BPD ex-wife.  I still try to help her take cfare of things, as I was always the "rock".  I left my house the other night in advance of an impending snowstorm to stay at her house so I could clear the driveway for her.  She has hip and back issues, but mostly of convenience. (meaning it is a good source of sympathy if I let it be.  She still walks 2 miles a day with the dog) I stayed, cleared all the snow, brought milk and supplies to her mother, took care of things in the house, etc.  All very nice.  Today, 3 days later, she tells me I'm doing that for a motive of some kind and I deserve no credit for it? Out of the blue!  I'm not looking for credit, but this behavior certainly makes me want to just let her worry about it herself next time.  That's what my therapist, friends and family have been telling me for years!

[mitti]

Hey Mitti!

Are you two going to continue your couples counseling? (I thought you said you had been going) Perhaps that would be a good place to explore those questions.

I have to say, that I have not experienced quite that level of forgetting things, however, as many of us have noted, our pwBPD is all about the moment. You have the names for all the behaviors, object constancy and projection, and I agree, that's what it sounds like. I also understand your frustration in having to deal with these behaviors, and although you have a name, and accept it, are still frustrated by having to face it, and don't know what to do about it!

I know for me, just simply ceasing to look for logic, and recognizing the behaviors for what they are has been enough. When I see these things happening, I know in my mind what it is, and am acting on heightened awareness, not allowing myself to be pulled into the madness. You're there Mitti. You've educated yourself, gotten yourself on a good path, and are taking care of yourself. Stay on the path, and don't allow yourself to be tortured by questions that may not even have any real answers. I think he has to come to his own conclusions about the direction he wants to go, and so do you. It may always be this way, and it sounds like you know that on some level, and just cannot make the break while he is still sending mixed signals. Now there's a concept I really get, however, it's wearing very thin for me since I started the practice oneneatguy suggested, of listing the stuff I don't like, and don't want to live with forever!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Hi Val78,

Yes, we were going to CT and things were going fine but then we had a bad crisis because things in the past came to a head. He was doing well but I needed a change in this particular area and pushed for it. He then stopped going. I am still going so I will ask the T, who has a lot of experience with pwBPDs how to deal with things such as projection and object constancy.

I can accept BPD and that acceptance has helped me see things, a little at least, from his POW but I need progress to want to stay with him. These particular issues and past events that brought on this crisis a couple of months back make it that much harder. I really need a change there and that's where his distorted memory is an obstacle. With his version of events there simply isn't anything to work out and I am just a crazy person with unrealistic demands on him. He may agree with me one day and then the next he does not. When we were in CT the T told me privately she really felt he would come around but it would take time as he first needs to explore why he feels the way he does in order to try and successfully change his attitude and behavior around this situation. So it's not just a question of dealing with BPD behaviors on a day to day basis but in a crisis situation that would destroy any r/s.

He is now in T by himself but I am not sure he is addressing his own issues or whether he is just discussing me when there. He tells me about what his T says about me. I get to hear how she has passed judgement on me and my behavior. It's totally frustrating but it seems he is trying to make me be the one with the serious mental disorder to avoid looking at himself.

[gottafixit]

I learned to be cautious of inexperienced therapists.  My BPD wife had them fooled quickly.  It was only when she met my psychiatrist (medical counseling for cancer) that she learned that a good therapist doesn't need all the details of her side of every story.  He saw within the first 3 minutes the problems with our interactions - and she hated him for stopping her from rambling.  One lousy, worthless MS degree "counselor" let her ramble on for 2 hours at times without asking me a word! Worthless!

[Oneneatguy]

Hi Mitti,

I wouldn't be so quick to judge his therapists.  You are only hearing what he says his therapist says.  He may be less than truthful in what he says to the therapist and he may hear what he wants to hear.

My ex told me her psychiatrist said that I had very poor communication skills and that was the root of our relationship issues.  I said if this is true I would like to work on it, can you arrange a meeting with your psychiatrist so I can better understand what the issue is.

We met with the psychiatrist, she asked me what I thought the problem was, after 2 minutes of me speaking, the psychiatrist said "Time Out, I need to ask a question".  I said "ok, what is it", she asked my ex why she was so angry.  My ex denied being angry, after a 5 minute discussion, the psychiatrist asked me to continue.  The psychiatrist let me speak for another 2 minutes, and stopped me again. This time she wouldn't let my ex off the hook and said, it is clear you are angry what is the problem.  My ex said "he is blaming me".  To which the psychiatrist said, I don't hear that at all.  I see a man sitting in front me of me, who loves his wife and wants to work on the relationship.

Needless to say my ex saw the psychiatrist 1 or 2 more sessions (the psychiatrist wanted to work with her alone) and then said she is useless and quit going.

So don't believe everything you are being told.  Most likely it is not true. I am sure my ex's psychiatrist knew my ex was borderline.  The unfortunate reality is if the pwBPD doesn't want help, treatment is useless.

[mitti]

I learned to be cautious of inexperienced therapists.  My BPD wife had them fooled quickly.  It was only when she met my psychiatrist (medical counseling for cancer) that she learned that a good therapist doesn't need all the details of her side of every story.  He saw within the first 3 minutes the problems with our interactions - and she hated him for stopping her from rambling.  One lousy, worthless MS degree "counselor" let her ramble on for 2 hours at times without asking me a word! Worthless!

Hi gottafixit,

I know what you mean. We have been very lucky with our T when in CT, she has a lot of experience from working with BPDs. She has basically told me he most certainly would qualify for a BPD diagnosis although she is reluctant to label anybody. She has been extremely patient and validating and was able to not only gain his trust but also make him see, and me, how ineffective our communication was. That being said, whenever she would challenge him even a little bit, he would feel threatened and get all defensive. It's so unbelievably difficult to cut through those thick walls of defense.

I believe it really takes a skilled T with a lot of experience of BPD or it will almost definitely be counter-productive.

[Newton]

Oneneatguy I had the same experience in joint T with my ex as you did... .  almost word for word... .  

She raged at me and constantly interrupted whilst I was talking... .  then when the T called her out on it she said she wasn't angry... .  she was angry, she was being blamed for everything, it was all my fault... .  she'd storm out... .  come back etc etc... .    It was a totally unproductive environment for her and in fact one day she disclosed... .  "I only agreed to go so I could prove you were to blame for our problems... .  that T just effing loves you so its pointless!"

I continued to see my great T one to one... .  my ex found her own (well she wasn't given much choice as her rages were starting to come out at her workplace too)... .  my ex wasted a year and a lot of money just going to have a pity party with her T and victimizing herself even more.

She would conjure up an "interpretation" of events to fit how she was feeling about a particular person at any given time... .  it certainly didn't match my or many others memories, yet my girlfriend was convinced she was correct... .  it was truly mind bending to be around... .    

[mitti]

I wouldn't be so quick to judge his therapists.  You are only hearing what he says his therapist says.  He may be less than truthful in what he says to the therapist and he may hear what he wants to hear.

My ex told me her psychiatrist said that I had very poor communication skills and that was the root of our relationship issues.  I said if this is true I would like to work on it, can you arrange a meeting with your psychiatrist so I can better understand what the issue is.

We met with the psychiatrist, she asked me what I thought the problem was, after 2 minutes of me speaking, the psychiatrist said "Time Out, I need to ask a question".  I said "ok, what is it", she asked my ex why she was so angry.  My ex denied being angry, after a 5 minute discussion, the psychiatrist asked me to continue.  The psychiatrist let me speak for another 2 minutes, and stopped me again. This time she wouldn't let my ex off the hook and said, it is clear you are angry what is the problem.  My ex said "he is blaming me".  To which the psychiatrist said, I don't hear that at all.  I see a man sitting in front me of me, who loves his wife and wants to work on the relationship.

Needless to say my ex saw the psychiatrist 1 or 2 more sessions (the psychiatrist wanted to work with her alone) and then said she is useless and quit going.

So don't believe everything you are being told.  Most likely it is not true. I am sure my ex's psychiatrist knew my ex was borderline.  The unfortunate reality is if the pwBPD doesn't want help, treatment is useless.

Of course you are right to not judge a T too quickly and I have been wondering how much is his own imagination and how much is actually true. Nevertheless, when he has come back from T he has often been antagonistic, argumentative and conflict seeking whereas the T we saw together always had the opposite effect on him. He will often misinterpret the message but our T would pick up on that and steer him in the right direction.

When he first went for the evaluation to get T for himself he met only with a psychiatric nurse. They are usually not equipped well enough to either understand what the fundamental issues are with a pwBPD nor have the skills to offer any helpful advice. That's why I am worried he is not getting adequate and professional T but it rather adding to our problems.

Lately he has been trying very hard to convince me I am the one with the serious disorder. It's utterly frustrating to go from progress to breaking up because of things like this.

[Oneneatguy]

Gottafixit

Interesting post, I can relate to what you are saying.  I feel like me you need to definitely look at your own behaviour.  Why do you need to fix things be the rock.  I did the exact same thing and heard similar type responses.  My ex would say things to me like, oh you do those things because you are a nice guy not because you love me so they don't count.  Anything nice I did was dismissed as me being a nice guy, rather than being thanked for making a contribution to the relationship.

[almost789]

Its part of splitting. This is a natural reaction in BPD. As they begin to get close to you... .  their past is recreated and u become the bad person/feelings from the past in their subconcious. All u can do is not take it personal. Dont over react. (easier said than done, i know) he will come in and out of these splitting episodes. If your staying... .  your job is not to lose it and dont threaten abandonment.

[almost789]

Definition:

Splitting - Splitting is a psychological term used to describe the practice of thinking about people and situations in extremes and regarding them as completely "good" or "bad".

Description:

Splitting is described in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM-IV) as one of the possible criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as: "A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."

People who are regarded as being "all good" are sometimes referred to as being "split white" or "painted white". People who are regarded as being "all bad" are sometimes referred to as being "split black" or "painted black".

When a person or a group of people is split white by a person with a personality disorder, they may suddenly be split black (and vice versa). There is often some justification presented by the person with the personality disorder for their sudden change of heart, but their logic is often flawed, contradictory or incomplete.

Examples of Splitting:

•A woman praises her husband as a wonderful husband and father in public but accuses him of abuse later the same day.

•A mother habitually tells her daughter she is "useless" or "worthless" but when she gets a good grade at school gushes: "We are all so proud of you!"

•A friendly co-worker or neighbor suddenly, without warning, begins giving you the cold shoulder.

•A person persistently moves on from one social group to another, praising each group at first before becoming harshly critical.

Splitting is an example of Dissociation, or "Feelings Create Facts" - where for a person with a personality disorder, their feelings take priority over what the facts actually tell them. If they experience a mood swing and suddenly feel good or bad about a particular person or situation, they can modify their opinions, memories or attitudes to be consistent those feelings, regardless of any apparent contradictions.

What it feels like:

When you come into contact with someone who engages in splitting, you may feel threatened by how easily or how quickly they can idealize or demonize you or other people for no apparent reason. Even if you are currently split white yourself, you may still feel insecure because you know that your favored "status" is not based on merit and may change without warning.

If you are close to a person who uses splitting, you may occasionally find yourself being asked to choose between agreeing with them or defending yourself or other people whom they have split black. This can become a real problem if you feel there is a matter of principle which you are not willing to compromise or if a valued relationship with another person or group is suddenly challenged or threatened. You may be very uncomfortable trying to reconcile between your relationship with the person who suffers from the personality disorder and your personal values or your valued relationships with other family members, friends and co-workers.

You may suddenly come under a lot of pressure to cut off contact with these other people and you may find yourself sacrificing friendships and social settings just to "keep the peace". The problem with doing this is that, although this may help avoid conflict in the short term, you may be beginning to hurt yourself and starve yourself of support and social interaction that is good for you and that you need in order to stay emotionally healthy yourself.

You may also come under sudden pressure to neglect or compromise your own values or principles when they come into conflict with the black and white thinking of someone who is splitting. The trouble with giving in to this kind of pressure is that you are likely feel to worse about yourself afterwards.

Coping With Splitting

What NOT to do:

•Don't argue with a person who is splitting or try to talk sense into them. That's a recipe for a Circular Conversation.

•Don't blame yourself. People with personality disorders can easily distort the facts in their mind to fit the way they feel. That's their concern, not yours.

•Don't act like the Thought Police. Don't use any tricks, intimidation or ultimatums to try to get someone to see things differently. Everyone is entitled to think what they want to think and believe what they want to believe.

•Don't become angry with them or try to retaliate.

•Don't yield your own reality about a person or group or isolate yourself from healthy friendships, family, social groups just to "keep the peace". Don't try to hide those relationships. It's OK for you to have differences of opinion.

•Don't automatically assume that everything the other person believes or says is untrue. Don't automatically run for the opposite corner or play "devil's advocate". Try to think objectively. Occasionally, like the boy who cried wolf, they may tell you something important.

What TO do:

•Handle disagreements with a person who is splitting as unemotionally, firmly and briefly as you can.

•Try to "agree to disagree". Acknowledge that you see things differently.

•Respect their right to have their own point of view and assert your own right to have your own point of view.

•Avoid ideological debates. Try to see the gray in each situation and judge on the merits.

•Maintain and nurture your healthy friendships, family relationships and social groups, so long as they form no substantive threat to yourself or to another individual.

•Find a support network, a group of people who understand what you are living with and who you can talk to about the tough situations.

•Find validating environments for yourself away from the influence and control of a dissociative individual.

•If appropriate, talk to people who have been split black or white by your loved one to let them know that you are able to see the "gray".

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[Oneneatguy]

PartofMe

Where did you get the article on splitting?  It was excellent and explained it very well.



•A woman praises her husband as a wonderful husband and father in public but accuses him of abuse later the same day.

I used to get this one all the time.  My ex would praise me to my friends, they all thought we had a great relationship.  We would be with friends she would be saying what a wonderful husband and father I was.  How I was a great cook etc.  Later that evening, she would be telling me I was a horrible father, didn't do enough to help her around the house, etc.

It was mind blowing.  I saw her do that to family, friends and co workers.

She would kissy kissy with her brother in public, and in private she would go on and on how he was trying to steal her portion of her inheritance.

Whenever her boss left early, she would rage what an ahole he was, and the next day he was a good friend.

This went on and on.  

Thanks again for posting the article it was very insightful.

[maria1]

Hi Mitti

It seems to me what you're asking for is an answer to the question 'Why can't he face his disorder?' And the answer is because he's disordered. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to work out the thinking behind it.

His reasons in sending these texts come from disordered thinking. My ex did similar things and to me the basis was deep shame and hatred of himself. If he could face the shame he wouldn't have BPD. Because BPD is a personality built out of defense mechanisms because of unbearable shame about who they are.

Many psychiatrists refuse to work with borderlines here in the UK. Some health authorities are currently working to ban them from the psych wards as they used to be. Because the perception is people with BPD use up resources and try to use therapists to their own ends. Whenever my BPDex got close to anything in therapy I know he would have pushed it away again and deflected. Because if he had to own the pain he caused to other people he could not cope with it.

For what its worth I'm sure it's not calculated. He wants you close but at the same time knows he can't deal with it- don't forget that part too.