Divorcing my BPD husband - Cruel treatment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

we were married for 4 1/2 years and have 2 kids. After i identified his condition as 'verbal abuse' three months ago, we had series of arguments and cold period as i fight back. then I was raging as i found out he was telling people 'i was mentally ill as i was frequently angry for nothing' and told him i had no choice but leaving him if he doesn't accept what he had said/done to me. We started going to therapies separately. those two therapists work together exchanging information. I thought it was a great idea because i figured he seemed not understanding my points.  As i explain the past incidents, my therapist didn't quite get it other than hurtful things he said to me. As i go regularly right after each incident, i was able to explain the whole thing, exactly what he said and what i said.  my therapist finally said "he doesn't hear you, he hears something else from what you say, he has a different reality, imagined, it is personality disorder for sure". then i researched and found BPD is the one! all the things happens and what i observed all made sense (except self destructive mutilating behavior). i told all those BPD behaviors of his to my therapist and she passed them to his therapist. i am certain it is BPD.

anyway, things got out of control as my suppressed feelings came out against his provoking remarks. we had a huge fight and police involved 2 weeks ago. I told him 'you know this means divorce, right?' then he looks at my emails while i was out with kids and found i was applying for a job in different far away state (i put my high profile career on hold when we move to another state for his job). he had a breakdown next day and went to hospital. next day he went to lawyer to file for a divorce. he told me a week later. he was in that cold/revenge mode that i have experienced (relentless). So i went to courthouse and found out he filed a suit against me 'family violence' in addition to divorce. He actually believes that incident that police dismissed was the basis of family violence by going though his reality distortion, i guess. he brought down his mom after his breakdown and they are isolating me from kids. he acts like he has been taking care of kids and blocking me from doing things for them like i used to. he acts like i was the one to blame and kids are in danger... .  My therapist told me he told his therapist not to communicate with her anymore.  although it appears that he is being evaluated by this therapist for BPD.

I haven't been served yet though -might be due to holidays?. My lawyer said therapist all said i have nothing to worry about as i worry he might take kids away from me (yes his threatening works every time). he keeps accusing me i am a bad mother i haven't done anything right for kids - that is why he is doing those now... .He now tells me kids are going to daycare starting next week citing 'you need time to deal with this divorce. it will be hard if you have to take care of kids'. wow. he is trying to manipulate the court by claiming I wasn't the primary caregiver. I wont let him to put kids in daycare.

probably we will spend all the money we have for the litigation and custody battle. probably he regains his 'good' person side and beg me to come back soon or years later (like he did multiple times when we were dating). i am tired and anxious (i have been so confused, depressed, and angry before). i get anxiety attacks around him. i am speechless to myself that it took this long to find out what was wrong in this relationship. I worry that how i am going to raise two toddlers by myself and in contact with that psycho.  How am i going to go through this high conflict divorce (for certain) without my family and friends around here. i am speechless to myself that i already forgave him and worry about him. I know he loves me though confusing. but my head says "leave dont look back", my heart says something else... .

[hurtinglove]

we were married for 4 1/2 years and have 2 kids. After i identified his condition as 'verbal abuse' three months ago, we had series of arguments and cold period as i fight back. then I was raging as i found out he was telling people 'i was mentally ill as i was frequently angry for nothing' and told him i had no choice but leaving him if he doesn't accept what he had said/done to me. We started going to therapies separately. those two therapists work together exchanging information. I thought it was a great idea because i figured he seemed not understanding my points.  As i explain the past incidents, my therapist didn't quite get it other than hurtful things he said to me. As i go regularly right after each incident, i was able to explain the whole thing, exactly what he said and what i said.  my therapist finally said "he doesn't hear you, he hears something else from what you say, he has a different reality, imagined, it is personality disorder for sure". then i researched and found BPD is the one! all the things happens and what i observed all made sense (except self destructive mutilating behavior). i told all those BPD behaviors of his to my therapist and she passed them to his therapist. i am certain it is BPD.

anyway, things got out of control as my suppressed feelings came out against his provoking remarks. we had a huge fight and police involved 2 weeks ago. I told him 'you know this means divorce, right?' then he looks at my emails while i was out with kids and found i was applying for a job in different far away state (i put my high profile career on hold when we move to another state for his job). he had a breakdown next day and went to hospital. next day he went to lawyer to file for a divorce. he told me a week later. he was in that cold/revenge mode that i have experienced (relentless). So i went to courthouse and found out he filed a suit against me 'family violence' in addition to divorce. He actually believes that incident that police dismissed was the basis of family violence by going though his reality distortion, i guess. he brought down his mom after his breakdown and they are isolating me from kids. he acts like he has been taking care of kids and blocking me from doing things for them like i used to. he acts like i was the one to blame and kids are in danger... .  My therapist told me he told his therapist not to communicate with her anymore.  although it appears that he is being evaluated by this therapist for BPD.

I haven't been served yet though -might be due to holidays?. My lawyer said therapist all said i have nothing to worry about as i worry he might take kids away from me (yes his threatening works every time). he keeps accusing me i am a bad mother i haven't done anything right for kids - that is why he is doing those now... .He now tells me kids are going to daycare starting next week citing 'you need time to deal with this divorce. it will be hard if you have to take care of kids'. wow. he is trying to manipulate the court by claiming I wasn't the primary caregiver. I wont let him to put kids in daycare.

probably we will spend all the money we have for the litigation and custody battle. probably he regains his 'good' person side and beg me to come back soon or years later (like he did multiple times when we were dating). i am tired and anxious (i have been so confused, depressed, and angry before). i get anxiety attacks around him. i am speechless to myself that it took this long to find out what was wrong in this relationship. I worry that how i am going to raise two toddlers by myself and in contact with that psycho.  How am i going to go through this high conflict divorce (for certain) without my family and friends around here. i am speechless to myself that i already forgave him and worry about him. I know he loves me though confusing. but my head says "leave dont look back", my heart says something else... .

[peace]

I've been through the exact same thing, so I feel like I know where you are coming from.

In my case it is still not better - even four years after moving out. Kids are not OK - but finally seing a therapist as a result of their fathers abuse. I know it hurts, but be glad you finally see what this person is capable of - this is the person you married - the other one is only the one you wished he was :'( :'(. Hopefully your heart will understand this over time.

All the best for you and your kids in the new year to come !  

[theodore]

i am speechless to myself that it took this long to find out what was wrong in this relationship.

Instead of saying "what was I thinking?", try saying "what was I learning?".  Hang in there.  You have correctly identified the problems you face.  The problems feel insurmountable but they aren't.  Many of us here have been in your shoes and we are much happier now.

Continue reading other stories here and you will see that there are paths to get through this.  The world is a much brighter and happier place on the opposite side of crazy.

[ForeverDad]

he brought down his mom after his breakdown and they are isolating me from kids. he acts like he has been taking care of kids and blocking me from doing things for them like i used to. he acts like i was the one to blame and kids are in danger... .

Do you mean he's limiting your access to your children?  That's a serious issue.  He's seeking control and leverage over you and he knows that your children are your vulnerability.  You need experienced legal representation and you need to document as much of the past as possible.  Disordered people, whether fathers or mothers, are tenancious and emotionally intense, so much so that they can gather negative supporters who believe them simply through their compelling emotionalism, even though all the 'facts' are distortions, exaggerations, projections or false.  So even though mothers often get a default preference in family court, the disorderd fathers are somehow able to twist things so bizarrely that the good mothers are the ones with the uphill struggle.

Whatever the claims, you cannot let them go uncontested.  You need to fight fire (his distortion and lies) with fire (the reality).  You can't feel sorry for him, you can't be reluctant to expose his patterns of misbehavior.  In other words, to use the cowboy analogy, you don't want to bring a butter knife to a gunfight.  If he's trying to rip apart your parenting, another metaphor, you need to be somewhat of a mother bear protecting her cubs.

i am speechless to myself that i already forgave him and worry about him. I know he loves me though confusing.

I am cautious about 'forgiving'.  However, what we can do is Let Go.  And if he's disordered, then of course you will never make sense of his thinking and behaviors.  So don't twist in circles trying to follow his distorted logic.

but my head says "leave dont look back", my heart says something else... .

It takes a while for the heart to catch up to the head.  There's always some lag time between logic and feelings.  Give it time, it will happen.  Meanwhile protect yourself and protect your children to the extent possible.

[hurtinglove]

Yes he is blocking me to do things i do for kids normally. he started doing kid's laundry last Sat and making lunch for them yesterday although they were not done right. Yesterday, I told him to back off and do whatever he has been doing and I would do the things i have been doing. I said this would reduce conflicts between us until temporary order. he criticized me for feeding same food or junk, i am not doing laundry on time, messy kitchen, i yell to kids etc etc.  I said "stop accusing me. you have no rights". he kept going on... .  unbelievable.  Today I asked him about family violence protection he filed. He completely denied it saying he didnt know what it was. I said "look, it is public information.". he said "i didnt do it, maybe police did". I said "it said you filed it. I just want to save a trip to courthouse. was it denied?". He denied it again. I said "You are lying. like i said, it is public info". He said "lets talk after kids are in bed". He use kids as an excuse whenever he doesn't have a fabricated story or his lie is about to be revealed... .  I think this living-together-pending-divorce period would completely cut the emotional link i was feeling after all... .  Good, right?

[ForeverDad]

You can always go down to the court house, ask for copies and read it for yourself.  Apparently you already did.  Or spend the money and your lawyer can get them all for you.  Quizzing him or trying to reason with him won't get the honesty or the straight answers you seek.  Actually, he will not be a good information source, you can't depend on the validity of anything he says.  Conversely, you need to keep your own privacy and strategies confidential, you are under no obligation to share information with him.

[peace]

Hi

just wanted to say I agree with ForeverDad. Do not go into conversations with this guy. It's only going to dread you down, confuse you, and in worst case scenarios make you so angry and frustrated that you loose it, your kids witness this and your husband documents this. That is not going to help you, and could potentially make your and your kids situation even worse. If you find it difficult, please consider asking a friend or family-member to come staying with you all while the divorce is happening.

Do not engage, do not show your emotions, if you do, he has the upper hand. Wishing you the best of luck!  

[Awakecj]

Hi

just wanted to say I agree with ForeverDad.

I agree as well. I wish I had found the BPD Family website before I made the mistake of "showing all my cards" to my hwBPD. By being so reactive and emotional I gave my husband "ammunition" to use for his benefit which has made the divorce process harder for me.

I kept engaging and wanting to prove my H wrong but it only fueled the fire and made me frustrated. The best thing I did was to fire a crappy lawyer and retain a really good one. It has given me some piece of mind to feel protected legally since I blew it in the beginning, it is costly but I figure I'm worth it

It is hard not to engage when living in the same house as BPD other so using this website as a resource instead of engaging with BPD can help protect you in the future. 

[hurtinglove]

you guys are right. don't i know better based on the history? I still i get mad when i hear BS criticism and lecture. I feel like i cannot be that relaxed playful person i was any more. I feel absolutely absurd when he treats me like the dumbest person in the world when i have a ph.d. degree... .  he even said "how did you get your ph.d.? unbelievable" before. I need to remain calm and walk away... .  That anger is not just toward him it is toward me as well. I am speechless that i put myself in this situation. i cannot believe i didn't see the truth earlier. I cannot believe i gave up my career for this life in agony just because he earns more and wanted me to stay home for kids for a while.  One thing that isn't clear though is that i kind of started to sense that he has been lying instead of not knowing... .  He seemed actually believing his exaggerated or twisted stories... .  my therapist said PBDs has a different reality that they get from what they hear or see not knowing... .  Do BPDs lie knowing or do they do it automatically not knowing?

[peace]

hurtinglove,

if it is any comfort to you - I also hold a ph.d. degree - and I went right into his emotional traps again and again, while divorcing and even after. I too also feel so stupid! Then again - is it stupid to have emotions, to be caring, to be sincere, to be loyal, wanting to be able to discuss matters in a proper manner, hoping for some kind of common understanding with someone you have shared several years of your life and have kids with... .  ? Isn't this being normal? And that not having these capabilities would mean that you are abnormal - like him... You may not feel it (I certainly struggle with this still) but the fact is that you have the upper hand (way over him) when it comes to future prospects in life. You shall overcome also this. GIRLPOWER!  

[hurtinglove]

yes yes... .  we learn from mistakes at least!