How did you decide to finally do it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't know if I'm posting on the right board, but I hope I can gain wisdom from people who are further along in this process than I am.

I've been married to BPDH for 5 yrs - no kids. I know leaving is the right thing to do... .in my head. But something always stops me. Even if he does things that are irrational or just plan nasty, I fantasize about leaving but never do it. My friend asked me to name one good thing about the marriage, and my reasons were very weak (ex: he's sometimes funny, I remember the sweet moments we have shared, etc.).

But there's no support, very little love, he's so self-centered, and I'm so often never good enough in his eyes. I hold down a great job and do what I can for him, but I'm just not present emotionally anymore. Yet I'm terrified to tell him this truth and so I lie about wanting to be there and I lie about wanting a future with him, even when he asks me directly. I'm afraid to take control of important things in our lives, so when he wants to spend a lot of money that we don't have, I say "ok" even though I feel like I'm betraying myself. He asks a lot of me (everyone notices) but always comments when I'm not giving as much as he'd like me to--which is simply exhausting.

I'm worn out, and I  feel like there's nothing more I can do to keep this going or make this marriage worth sticking through for the long haul. Yet I can't stop the lies coming out of my mouth that I tell to keep the peace and avoid a hard conversation.

For those of you who finally broke free, how did you do it? I feel like I face a mental wall with this that I can't break through. Any advice or personal stories would be so much appreciated.

[lookingahead]

I don't know if I'm posting on the right board, but I hope I can gain wisdom from people who are further along in this process than I am.

I've been married to BPDH for 5 yrs - no kids. I know leaving is the right thing to do... .in my head. But something always stops me. Even if he does things that are irrational or just plan nasty, I fantasize about leaving but never do it. My friend asked me to name one good thing about the marriage, and my reasons were very weak (ex: he's sometimes funny, I remember the sweet moments we have shared, etc.).

But there's no support, very little love, he's so self-centered, and I'm so often never good enough in his eyes. I hold down a great job and do what I can for him, but I'm just not present emotionally anymore. Yet I'm terrified to tell him this truth and so I lie about wanting to be there and I lie about wanting a future with him, even when he asks me directly. I'm afraid to take control of important things in our lives, so when he wants to spend a lot of money that we don't have, I say "ok" even though I feel like I'm betraying myself. He asks a lot of me (everyone notices) but always comments when I'm not giving as much as he'd like me to--which is simply exhausting.

I'm worn out, and I  feel like there's nothing more I can do to keep this going or make this marriage worth sticking through for the long haul. Yet I can't stop the lies coming out of my mouth that I tell to keep the peace and avoid a hard conversation.

For those of you who finally broke free, how did you do it? I feel like I face a mental wall with this that I can't break through. Any advice or personal stories would be so much appreciated.

[Surnia]

Lookingahead

The very short answer is: The work with my T and this board helped me to come to a decision.

My story is very similar, nearly 8 years married without kids.

But something always stops me. Even if he does things that are irrational or just plan nasty, I fantasize about leaving but never do it. My friend asked me to name one good thing about the marriage, and my reasons were very weak (ex: he's sometimes funny, I remember the sweet moments we have shared, etc.).

O yes, the same for me.

The longer answer: I became more aware how much I was caught in "ifs" If I do this not, that right, it will be better.

I started to observe more. What does he do? How do I feel? What is my part, what is his part?

The great expression Get your ducks in a row is from someone on this board. I spent some time on the staying bord. I learned a lot there, about radical acceptance, perception. The "about us" thing. Taking responsibility.

My T had a clear understanding of interpersonal skills and my deficits there. She gave me homework to do, we were pracising different skills.

[Mupetto]

I was married for three years. I gave up my pervious existence to make the marriage work. I rarely had time to think about me in the r/s because I/we were so busy with her latest “issue”. So I gave and gave and gave. And in the process my own life diminished to nothing more than just a compliant and pathetic man that was scared to have a view or express myself. I simply could not go on anymore. So at 3AM one morning, with my face bleeding from the latest fight over some trivial matter – I drove off. I just knew I simply had to go. If I did not I would have self harmed or had a break down of some sorts.

[willy45]

 

Ooof. That is a tough one. I was in a horrible, horrible place. She had raged at me for three days straight. I was supposed to move down from the city I am living in to live with her. The three days of rage were nothing new. There was years of random rages for random events and I was always blamed for them. The fault was always my lack of commitment or, as she would put it, 'structural issues' (i.e. me not living with her).

So, maybe it was a bit easier for me physically in that I didn't have to move out of the house we were living in together. But trust me, it was just as emotionally difficult. I wanted to do it for years. 2 years. And I had met someone else who I really, really liked and wanted to be with. But I couldn't leave. And stayed. And I got beaten down for it. Not physically. But mentally.

Although I knew there were deep, deep hooks and I was deeply emmeshed emotionally, I basically set the relationship on fire. When I was supposed to move down, I told her I couldn't. I told her I wasn't. I told her it was over. I wasn't going to move my whole entire life around for her when she treated me like ___.

I'm not sure if this helps any... .since our situations are so different. But, the moral of the story is that I knew I wouldn't have the strength to leave and have the option of going back. I knew I would go back if I could. So, I set the relationship on fire. I burned the bridge. The relationship was going to destroy me. I knew it was. I just felt that it was. I doubt myself every single day. But, I can't go back. It is not an option. And I made sure it wasn't an option because at the time, all I could think about was her yelling at me, calling me an ___hole for three days straight and me hiding under the bed from her. And this wasn't the only time this happened. This would happen all the time. And I would always go back.

If you want out, maybe you can think of something that would burn the bridge. I don't suggest you cheat on him or leave him for someone else. I did that too. That wasn't smart and I wish I could have done something differently. I have an incredible amount of regret about doing that.

But, if I am completely honest with myself and ask myself if I regret breaking up with her, I don't. Not even a bit. It was the only option I had to make. I was no longer willing to be treated like that with all the disrespect, the yelling, the anger, the rage, the cheating, the lying, the guilt trips, the neediness. I could not have children with this woman. How would I feel if she raged at my children the way she raged at me? (I don't have kids) How would I feel if I had knowingly made the decision to have children with this woman, suspecting that she would rage at our kids together.

If you want to leave, don't listen to that mental wall. That is the fear, obligation and guilt a lot of folks talk about here. And I totally, totally, totally get the not wanting to have the hard conversations. I was so terrified about that. She would rage at me for rolling over in the middle of the night. How could she handle a hard conversation? She couldn't handle the a little whisper of criticism without it turning into a mind shattering blow up. If this is happening to you, don't beat yourself up about trying to avoid the hard conversations. You are probably a care taker, like many of us are. And that is hard even when you are with someone healthy. It is excruciating when you with someone ill who is possibly abusive. You want to keep the peace.

And the lies you tell him... .I totally and completely relate. If I didn't lie and mention something that was bothering me, it would be World War II. And then she would cry for 4 hours. Seriously. No exaggeration. So, I would lie to her. And those lies kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. They would get compounded.

Anyhow, I'm rambling... .Sorry.

Moral of the story here, is I found and did something that I knew would mean no going back. I'm not Jewish but I did go to a passover dinner in April and it was all about the Jewish exodus from Egypt where they were slaves. There was a story in there about doing something they did prior to leaving that was really awful. I don't remember what... .But we were talking about it and one woman said that maybe it was like burning a bridge. The Jews knew they had to go into the dessert without food or water. And they had no where to go. They thought that they would all die in the heat and sand. But they knew they couldn't stay in Egypt and be slaves any longer. So, they did something horrible so that they knew they could never go back. They had to burn the bridge. They had to face the possibility of death and they knew that if they gave themselves the option to go back, they might get scared and turn back, they might have second thoughts, their fear would get the best of them, their guilt would turn them back.

Needless to say, this story had a huge impact on me. It took me a while. But I knew that I had to burn the bridge. I knew that if I didn't, that would go back. And I would end up in the same place. Cowering under her bed, crying, as she yelled at me like a raving lunatic. Or worse. That I would get her pregnant and we would have kids and my kids would be cowering under their beds while she yelled like a raving lunatic.

Although my breaking up with her sucked and the way I did it even worse, I did it. And I did it so there would be no going back.

[beachgirl009]

Multiple raging situations. I was always on edge about his next drama. He had sucked the joy out of me and continued to emotionally beat me down.

I broke it off before our wedding. When someone asked me what his good traits were, the only thing I could really say was that he was an excellent cook. I wanted more than an excellent cook as my life partner.

It's hard. But it was the best decision I made for myself.

[lookingahead]

Thanks so much for your responses. It sounds like as hard as it can be to get through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's amazing to see just how similar all our situations are. The details may be different but the feelings underneath are the same. Which feels empowering since I know that others have been through the same situations and have survived.

We are currently living apart for the first time for work. But I think that may make it easier in the long run to get over the hump of fear that makes me do and say things that I know are against my true self.

[ambi]

I did it extremely slowly.  I took advantage of a life circumstance and moved out.  I started working on me and getting stronger.  As I healed a little, I'd set a boundary.  He'd violate the boundary, and I'd limit access to that area of my life.  One by one, he's demonstrated that he will not honor boundaries or treat me respectfully.  I can see no future with him.

I told him a few months ago, that nothing in the r/s dynamic has changed in all this time.  It only hurts less because I've limited his opportunity to hurt me.  I told him that I cannot continue in any capacity with him right now because it will not be healthy for me.  We agreed to spend the next few months working on ourselves.  We've had very LC and not seen each other in quite some time.  I told him I would not put my life on hold forever waiting for him to come around.  We agreed that if we could not have a solid plan for change by New Years, our commitment was ended and we could date other people and move forward in life without each other.  I told him I'd go ahead and file for divorce when I can afford it on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.

Other than explaining that  he's suffering from PTSD for treating me so poorly, he has not had much to say.  So, 2013 is the year of my divorce and my new beginning. 

[doingtheswim]

I don't know if I'm posting on the right board, but I hope I can gain wisdom from people who are further along in this process than I am.

I've been married to BPDH for 5 yrs - no kids. I know leaving is the right thing to do... .  in my head. But something always stops me. Even if he does things that are irrational or just plan nasty, I fantasize about leaving but never do it. My friend asked me to name one good thing about the marriage, and my reasons were very weak (ex: he's sometimes funny, I remember the sweet moments we have shared, etc.).

But there's no support, very little love, he's so self-centered, and I'm so often never good enough in his eyes. I hold down a great job and do what I can for him, but I'm just not present emotionally anymore. Yet I'm terrified to tell him this truth and so I lie about wanting to be there and I lie about wanting a future with him, even when he asks me directly. I'm afraid to take control of important things in our lives, so when he wants to spend a lot of money that we don't have, I say "ok" even though I feel like I'm betraying myself. He asks a lot of me (everyone notices) but always comments when I'm not giving as much as he'd like me to--which is simply exhausting.

I'm worn out, and I  feel like there's nothing more I can do to keep this going or make this marriage worth sticking through for the long haul. Yet I can't stop the lies coming out of my mouth that I tell to keep the peace and avoid a hard conversation.

For those of you who finally broke free, how did you do it? I feel like I face a mental wall with this that I can't break through. Any advice or personal stories would be so much appreciated.

For me,

This decision was made on a very deep, knowing level.

I was not strong enough to leave her of my own will. I tried and tried, but always mended fences (99.9% of the time against my own judgement).

Something clicked in me, started sleeping in the other room, went into auto-pilot really. Emotionally numb and cutoff.

Once she moved out I got slammed with the emotions, ptsd, still recovering after a year.

I believe when one is ready to leave, there wouldn't be a question-- you just know that you know.

[waitaminute]

I gave and gave... .  Boundaries, money, work, my home. Those around me gave (through not willingly, of course). So much was taken from us, albeit through my own actions, just to help this "poor girl". In a somewhat objective and abstract way, I finally felt that she disrespected all that was sacrificed for her. The balance scales tipped. And one day, I said goodbye. I gave her a few weeks of closure. Then I went NC.

That's not to say it is easy. After 3 months NC, I still go over in my mind what happened. But in the final few months of the rs, I looked for a way out. So I have those months of sane recollections to remind me that I know I did the right thing by leaving. What I ruminate over is the question of whether I could have avoided the entire rs. My inner makeup set me up to be ripe for picking by a BPD. I'm a rescuer. So I'm in therapy now trying to find the balance between such a rescuer and a hardass-don't-care sort of guy which I equate with the opposite of a rescuer.

[minkmink]

With all the kindness in the world... .  you're post answered your own questions about why you stay.

Read what you say about yourself:

I am so often not good enough... .  is that him speaking or that little voice in your head that he just repeats aloud.

I am terrified to tell him the truth (what is your truth) not his but yours.

I am afraid to take control of the important things in (my) life.

Lie to keep the peace.

Again, with all the kindness in the world... .  I believe that you are having a very big problem about admiting you are afraid to leave because you are so afraid. So it is time to find out what you are really afraid of and to change the fears you have about yourself and the world.

So, I am very happy to hear that you have a great job. It has been my experience that if the home front is as mentally draining for you your great job is going to become harder and harder to keep up with. I don't want you to lose the ability to stay independent financially! Then you will not have the where with all to finally leave.

It took me a long long time to leave, I even divorced my soon to be ex once before... .  so I married him again and I believe one of the reasons I continued to stay is that I could not accept that I had made not one mistake but two. And the second was the big one. It has been hell.

Even now, as I sit in my own apartment, without the screaming, raging, drinking, accusations, lost jobs, no sex, absolutely no sense of cleanliness on the part of my h I am frightened too for the future and that he will destroy me in the divorce courts. Which is all those little voices in my head that he just repeated aloud so I would keep doing what you are doing... .  taking care of him in all his dysfunction.

Time for a little therapy. I don't mean for the both of you. This is for you!

And please... .  do not get pregnant. Please be very very careful.

Mink