let his anger pass or speak?

[Not normal]

Hi guys, happy New year's !

Festive seasons are a nightmare and I try to play it down or not do anything special .

I've been keeping low key and managed to keep the peace around the house for a while.

Yesterday, he was pissed that I was at my moms with our 2 y/o and his anger skyrocketed and doesn't seem to ease at all.

I tried S.E.T through smses exchanges, and thought I put a lot of "truths" out there.

This is day 2 of his extreme anger. Should I lay low and avoid all communication ?

Or ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ZigZiglar]

It's always hard to let them calm themselves down as the anger/tantrums come with ultimatums and threats and they are so good at convincing us that the relationship will be over if we don't act 'now'.

However, take a look at what happens historically in your relationship. I know in mine, every single time the angry hat is on, I feel utterly convinced by all her threats etc Then a day or two later it's like it never happened.

I think the best thing to do is maintain a 'reasonable' level of contact with messages that show you are thinking of him/care and avoid the potential for opening any cans of worms in the process.

[waverider]

Smile sweetly and act normal, just shrug off any attempts at drama, you have said all you need to. If he gets too persistent disengage, then if it gets worse go some place else. Its his problem dont let it be yours.

[united for now]

Too much truth comes across as excuses, even when SET is used.

You've stated your case, time for him to calm himself down is needed, so focus on regulating your own need to fix things, which i know can be hard when faced with his constant demands and threats... .I tell myself "deep breathes - this too shall pass"

[Rockylove]

In my case, my BPD/bf seems to respond the best when I respond the least.  If I go off to work, go have lunch with a friend, run errands or even just go upstairs in my studio he seems to calm down more quickly.  I'm always "doing" something (cleaning, unpacking, fixing things up, etc and that seems to exacerbate his foul mood.  I'm finding it liberating to engage less in his funk and give him time and space to sort it out. 

[CodependentHusband]

Yep... .LC (Low Contact), I find, works best for me and my relationship with dBPDw. Except on very rare occassions when I wasn't able to catch myself to disengage quickly enough, or we were trapped in a car together out of town, etc, I keep communication from my side very brief and positive. Sharing "truths," in my opinion, isn't typically a good strategy. Accepting that many things will remain unresolved in a non/BPD r/s goes with the territory. 

[Not normal]

Happy new year's!

Thank you for the comments.

He usually threatens divorce but I now learnt that he's happy to keep me as he knows that not many will tolerate his behaviour.

I no longer worry about that as it isn't the end of the world.

His anger seems to subside as I did a bit of everything mentioned in the past 2 days.

It surprised me that his anger periods are reducing !

I kept bz, constantly working at home and moving.

I was polite and did not mention about the outburst.

He kept talking about his work and others, which is always a good sign instead of silent treatment. I drop everything n listen attentively...

The only part that he got slightly pissed was when we are about to sleep and I said good night and nothing more.

He waited a while for me to act or speak, but i didn't and he let out a grunt and rolled over.

It was really for the best.

[Not normal]

Alright, a few hours after the last posting.

everything spiraled after son was sick and I tried to multi-task to talk about dinner while calling my folks for help.

He said that i'm unbelievable and went downstairs for a cigrette, came back up and start the entire story of nonscene history of what had happened the past 1 year with me.

ANd as usual threatened to call it off.

Bringing up the past, and I lost it when I tried to jump into telling the facts.

I tried to be calm but cannot believe everything that is coming out of his mouth as he started screaming at me and waking up the sickly son.

I made a mistake by telling what i need of him and he kept changing the topics and mixing the discussion ending it in a mess of confusion,

And he has convinced me about the past and I cant remember if my truth was true or what he is saying was true.,

i know all these are traits of a BPD... .  although going through Buddhist teachings and readings... .  I still struggle to deal with this maniac... .  

... .  help... .  

[waverider]

You are failing to disengage when dysregulation creeps in. Muck throwing with no rules has more power than defense with logic. This inevitebly leads to Gaslighting where you question your own version of events.

[Not normal]

absolutely right!

[Validation78]

Hey Notnormal!

You have received some very sound advice here!

One of the hardest things I have had to learn is to walk away, disengage when things were (are) going sour. I have a progressive action plan, that I stick to as much as possible, and when it leads to dysregulation, I now disengage. I do a lot of self talk, mostly consisting of, Val it's not your stuff. I let pwBPD self soothe, as he must learn to do for himself. Even when I'm worked up and want to engage, the best thing I can do is step away. In time, he comes around, and by then, I've calmed myself too! It's hard, and it works!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Not normal]

Thanks Val!

you're right! There are quite a number of great advice here

I think the main reason why I made the mistake to engage is because of emotions, questions about future and plans lingering in my mind for months! I try to ask only if I really need to know the answer.

As you can see, we dont communicate on a daily or weekly basis, and burst out as I cant take his accusastions of me.

eg, will we migrate in 2014? Answer: don't know, it depends on the economy or if our marriage was stable at that time.

Qn: What will happen/ will I get my requests met if I were to quit my job?

Answer: It's your own fault and decision, non of my biz. (he feels that I broke the ultimate promise of working instead of being a stay at home mom)

no answer to that question. so I keep on working and he keeps on beating me up because of it.

I've also made the mistake of letting my 2 year old watch us and later questioned me why daddy is mad.

I should have carried him away and told him that this behaviour will not be tolerated.

lesson learnt.