MIL- how to deal?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm dealing with a mother-in-law who seems to fit all the symptoms of BPD.

Yes she was traumatized as a child and as an adult.  (Her own father fired gun at her as a kid... .Both her parents were alcoholics... .)

Currently, though, my husband refuses to talk to her, and I don't want to talk to her either.

She makes mean and nasty comments (some real whoppers!) , flies off the handle, is often drunk, then leaves me rambling voicemail messages about how her heart is breaking and she's all alone, and whatever can my husband possibly be so mad about?

There is a very basic refusal for MIL to take any responsibility for any of her actions.

I quit having any kind of conversation with her months ago when she tried to tell me my own husband is a raging alcoholic and I'm just in denial about the whole thing (none of which is true).

This year we were told not to bother coming over for Christmas. Then she left me a "sweet as pie" voicemail about "Oh how was your Christmas? Was it lovely?"

MIL also behaves like a spoiled child when she doesn't get her way with any given situation. For example, if my husband (who has his own family, household, and job to tend to) doesn't drop everything to come help her with some task, she will pout and lay on the guilt and use the "After all I've done for you... .can't help out your own mother!"

My husband told her to never talk to him again because he's through.

I am at the point where I really want to cut her out of our lives completely, or tell her to her face that she needs some kind of help. I just don't know how to react to her constant rollercoaster of behavior and emotions.

The worst part, though, is that my 5 year old misses her grandma and constantly asks about her.

[nemone666]

I'm dealing with a mother-in-law who seems to fit all the symptoms of BPD.

Yes she was traumatized as a child and as an adult.  (Her own father fired gun at her as a kid... .Both her parents were alcoholics... .)

Currently, though, my husband refuses to talk to her, and I don't want to talk to her either.

She makes mean and nasty comments (some real whoppers!) , flies off the handle, is often drunk, then leaves me rambling voicemail messages about how her heart is breaking and she's all alone, and whatever can my husband possibly be so mad about?

There is a very basic refusal for MIL to take any responsibility for any of her actions.

I quit having any kind of conversation with her months ago when she tried to tell me my own husband is a raging alcoholic and I'm just in denial about the whole thing (none of which is true).

This year we were told not to bother coming over for Christmas. Then she left me a "sweet as pie" voicemail about "Oh how was your Christmas? Was it lovely?"

MIL also behaves like a spoiled child when she doesn't get her way with any given situation. For example, if my husband (who has his own family, household, and job to tend to) doesn't drop everything to come help her with some task, she will pout and lay on the guilt and use the "After all I've done for you... .can't help out your own mother!"

My husband told her to never talk to him again because he's through.

I am at the point where I really want to cut her out of our lives completely, or tell her to her face that she needs some kind of help. I just don't know how to react to her constant rollercoaster of behavior and emotions.

The worst part, though, is that my 5 year old misses her grandma and constantly asks about her.

[nemone666]

I just found this in one of the articles about BPD mothers:

"Many people with BPD, for instance, will be empathic towards, and care for, other people only under the expectation that the other person will “be there” for them on demand (APA, 2000). Many habitually make impractical claims that others are not “there” enough and make unrealistic demands for amount of time spent together. They often inappropriately respond with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans (APA, 2000)."

This fits MIL's behavior... .

[DreamGirl]

It is so frustrating to have an emotional roller-coaster type personality in your life.

Especially one who likes to lay on the guilt.

Does your husband actually feel guilty?

Or just mad?

How do you feel?

It helps not to be "attached" to someone's feelings (especially someone who is disordered). It's helped me a lot when the disordered soul in my life attempts to try and take me on a guilt trip - to "detach" from her feelings about the situation, and ground myself in the reality of the situation.

~DG

[nemone666]

Hello!

My DH feels some guilt about the situation. He's a good guy and really wants to take care of things as much as possible. However, now he's more angry than anything else because no matter what he does, it never meets her expectations and is always met with some kind of criticism.  He tells me he's "done."

I feel a little guilty about the situation as well. I have a real problem with cutting off family members. I have tried for years to be understanding and compassionate, and tried to let the comments go by the wayside. I've told myself "MIL is an elderly lady and she doesn't understand what she's saying... .  let it go."  I can't let it go anymore, MIL has just said and done too many hurtful things.

My MIL has sent me messages on Facebook, and I try to respond very matter-of-factly, and not respond to her emotional drama.

The source of my guilt, though, is my own grandparents. My mother did not get along with her own MIL, so my parents moved far far away to raise their family. When my grandparents died, I realized I never even knew them.  I don't want this for my daughter.

Lastly, my MIL adores her granddaughter. I don't want to use my daughter as a "pawn" and say "you can't see your granddaughter until you shape up." I feel that's petty.

Perhaps I'm being idealistic?

[DreamGirl]

It's hard not to "absorb" the pain/hurt of our spouses who are dealing with a family member who can cause dysfunction.  They get mad/hurt = we get mad/hurt.

Sometimes when that happens we add fuel to the fire. We want to validate their frustration and a lot of times problem solve for them... .  when it's not always what is going to help the situation. 

I try to keep my husband grounded when he's emotionally reacting - or at least validate his frustration and then tell him to reassess once he's done being angry/frustrated/hurt.

My MIL has sent me messages on Facebook, and I try to respond very matter-of-factly, and not respond to her emotional drama.

Good job.

Lastly, my MIL adores her granddaughter. I don't want to use my daughter as a "pawn" and say "you can't see your granddaughter until you shape up." I feel that's petty.

What would it have to look like for your MIL to have a relationship with your daughter?

[UpwardAndOnward]

has your husband ever cut her out of his life before? Do you think its one of those situations where he has wrote her off, but in 6 mos will feel bad and reach out to her?

I have a mother with BPD and am often ready to "never speak to her again." altho it never lasts, this has a lot to do with my dads influence of keeping us together though.

on the other hand I have a soon to be MIL who is undiagnosed with a personality disorder, but is heavily addicted to xnanex (sp?) and I am pretty sure has a disorder beyond addiction. My boyfriend recently went a whole year without speaking to her, and I respected his wishes and kept my distance as well. However you having a child brings a whole different dynamic to the picture. Its unfortunate to say but you do have a "card against her." My brothers often are able to gain respect or control of situations they wouldnt normally have because my mom wants to see her grandkids... .  

[nemone666]

Thank you for replying. 

DH can go months without speaking to his muother, and has gone almost a year before.  When he gets fed up with her behavior and comments, he'll cut her off.  Downside is, MIL will never take responsibility for her actions.

MIL also drinks to the point of not remembering what she's done while drinking. She claims to drink to help with her back pain. 

What usually happens is MIL will just stop by when DH happens to be in a cheery mood, and she'll put on a good show of "I'm so sorry for everything! I miss you!" and DH will be a nice guy and start talking to her again.

There's always more to the story of course... .  DH's dad walked out when he was a baby, leaving MIL a single mom. This was 40+ years ago. To hear MIL talk about it, you'd think it was last week. She utterly and completely blames DH's dad for EVERYTHING and no part of it was her fault.

As for my daughter, we have not gone over to MIL's house in several weeks. MIL is scheduled to have knee surgery this week so she'll be in the hospital for a while.  While in the hospital MIL won't be able to drink alcohol, so my guess is she'll be a much nicer person when she comes home. 

I am very fortunate to have a good guy for a husband who will not put up with his mother's crap. We stood up and left one Christmas day because he said "Nobody, not even my own mother, speaks to my wife that way. We're leaving."

[UpwardAndOnward]

I can relate to you a lot with the MIL story. My boyfriend had his "abusive" dad walk out on him as a baby as well. MIL told me this story when I first started dating my boyfriend before he even did... .  boundaries? and who knows what is true of all her stories. The MIL actually fits BPD characteristics very much so, except she remarried years ago and I have never heard her devalue her new husband. She does to everyone else in her life but not him(or the son she had from him)... .  so for that reason I cant say she fits the characteristics.

Im glad to hear that your DH will defend you and stick by you, thats important. In dealing with my own BPD mother, I just recently was distant with her for 6mos bc of how she acted towards my boyfriend. My bf and I have been together 3 years and she finally (which was only a matter of time) took a jab at him and stuck him on her ever growing shi% list... .  I wouldnt tolerate it. Even though she wont take any accountability for what she has done, I know its important to my bf to see that I will always support him... .  just as it is to you. I have to constantly remind him when he is frusturated with my mom that she is mentally ill-- you cant get mad at a sick person for being sick... .  I explain it like you cant get mad at a cancer patient for being weak and ill. I try to think of her behaviors and describe them in that sense to understand them better. Knowing its not someone normal like you or I acting that way, gives me a sense of compassion towards her instead of anger. BUT thats only on a good day i have plenty of angry days too... .  

[nemone666]

you cant get mad at a sick person for being sick... .  I explain it like you cant get mad at a cancer patient for being weak and ill. I try to think of her behaviors and describe them in that sense to understand them better. Knowing its not someone normal like you or I acting that way, gives me a sense of compassion towards her instead of anger.

I remind myself that I can't be too hard on a sick person for acting sick. Sick is as sick does, as Forrest Gump would say. 

Kudos to you and your boyfriend for supporting each other. Do you interact with you MIL? Do you talk on the phone or go to her house?

[ss21463]

Wow, sounds just like my MIL - its so hard! Bet she also uses the line "I didn't raise you to treat me this way... .  " I am new on this board and still learning about BPD.  Its a miserable condition and I hate seeing how she treats everyone, especially my husband.   A few key points that have hit hard with me that may help you as well:

- Be careful about telling them they need help, it can backfire - they never accept that they are the problem and will refuse therapy

- I have a newborn daughter and I do not allow her around her grandmother.  She abandoned her other grandson and I refuse to allow her to mistreat my daughter. 

- I have given up trying to understand her and why she behaves the way she does.  Pushes away the people who are trying to help her.

- If I do have to be around her I have boundaries set - the second she starts acting up I leave immediately, its only bound to get worse and pointless to stay. 

- Just because she was abused as a child (which is horrible, no one deserves to be raised the way she was) does not give her the right to be abusive.

- Never try to argue with her, its a waste of time.  I just leave

- I used to get consumed with anger on how she treated everyone and have let it go.  It used to drive me crazy thinking how I could try to improve the situation - realized I need to focus on myself and my own family, not worry about her.

- It is okay to cut someone (family member) out of your life especially if they are being dangerous and destructive to your family - you have a right to happiness.

Good luck, I know its hard.  This board is a great resource!

[UpwardAndOnward]

Kudos to you and your boyfriend for supporting each other. Do you interact with you MIL? Do you talk on the phone or go to her house?

I think I did the quote thing right? I interact with my MIL intermittenly. When I first started dating my bf-- she would call me constantly, txt me all the time, email me, etc. etc. She many states away so it took my second meeting with her to realize something was off. Its truly a blessing how far away she is, because between dealing with my own BPD mother and her, I just dont have room for much more crazy in my life. now she will go for weeks or days txting me nonstop... .  and then I just wont hear from her. I stopped getting hurt by it and have successfully detached myself. This has been easy because shes so far away. She lives in this delusional life where she thinks she is the greatest mom/grandma- and talks about herself this way, and posts on fb this way... .  yet in the three years I have been with my boyfriend she has never once been up here to visit. Because of my lack of seeing her, I have been unable to "figure her out" completely. Although clearly what I do know of her, there is something way off there... .  she is a constant victim, unstable in relationships, has no friends to speak of... .  but like i said in my first post- her husband has always remained on this pedstal (along with my boyfriend brother who is from her new husband) she speaks of him as this hero who saved her from my boyfriends abusive father. she has never become distant with him because she is so dependent on him-- so not sure if that makes her a BPD, as I have never heard of a BPD having an actual consistent relationship. Although since she lives in la la land with her "perfect life" she may just never mention it when shes mad at him? but i dont think so... .  

[nemone666]

I just have to add this in... .  

MIL decided to cancel her knee replacement surgery for a second time. She really and truly needs this surgery, she can hardly walk. She WILL twist it and make it my husband's fault.

The first time she canceled it was because she couldn't find anyone to "take care" of her post-surgery. Nevermind she had/has the chance to go to a convalescent home for a few months. 

MIL says she simply "can't leave her house for that long." So, naturally, it's all my husband's fault.