Why do I still feel so hurt

[really]

It's just over 12 months.   I still feel awful.   The lack of closure has destroyed me. 

I wish she could feel a fraction of my pain if only for her to know how little she had to do to ease mine.   

[Surnia]

Really

So sorry about your pain. 

12 month out, do you feel constantly like today or do you have sort of a flash back?

When it is more a constant painful feeling, I would consider to reach out for a therapist.

[letmeout]

It sounds like you are suffering from depression, I hope you are getting treated for that. Counseling will also help you come to terms with your experience and move on. I know that living with a BPD partner can leave a lot of trauma; my counselor has helped me tremendously with that!

[BleedsOrange]

Try to remind yourself about the thigs that are great about you. You know they're there. They always were. They still are. I feel like a lot of us let ourselves be convinced that we werent good enough to fix it all. That is simply not true. It was an unfixable situation.

I say it all the time, and not to be a broken record but self=talk, self-talk, self-talk. Tell yourself the truth. It still hurts me every once in a while. I remind myself the truth:

More often than not, its just my pride. Yet, look at the last twelve months. how much of yourself have you had to give away? I bet its a lot less than you did. Cheer up meine fruende! Sometimes I feel dumb for urting over someone who was obviously toxic, but then I remember the last relationship that I had with real long-term plans for the future. It hurt for a while. Def. still hurt a year out ( we dated for five years). Hurting is normal. Dont beat yourself up over it more. Go have some fun. Theres plenty out there!

Ive finally felt better when I dont focus so much on getting over this crap. Im just simply having more fun. Smiling a a lot... .  and gettin into a little trouble ( I would avoid that last one

[Justadude]

It took me a year and a half and I still got issues.

[doingtheswim]

It's just over 12 months.   I still feel awful.   The lack of closure has destroyed me. 

I wish she could feel a fraction of my pain if only for her to know how little she had to do to ease mine.   

I'm just over a year as well.

Slowly but surely I'm regaining traction.

It's been hell. 2012 f*&^k you!

this is going to be a great year-- keep your head up!

[Jay08]

Lack of closure really is the dagger in the heart for us.

I went through your profile and looked at some of your old posts.

As someone else has mentioned, you are probably suffering from depression and might want to talk to a T. Depression makes you think of people like your ex because you remember her as an answer to your problems. As you know, you probably are coodependent like many of us and have Nacissistic traits.

I would bet if you were in a happier state of mind you would not give a second thought to your ex. I read through some of your posts, you are fully aware of the evil things she put you through.

The best way is another person to share those types of memories with my friend. Or maybe you can start going out with some buddies to social places on the weekends and let loose. Friends are the best way to keep your mind off of it.

And just remember, you could be off alot worse. Think if you were still with her and she didnt let you go?

[bpdspell]

It's just over 12 months.   I still feel awful.   The lack of closure has destroyed me.  

I wish she could feel a fraction of my pain if only for her to know how little she had to do to ease mine.  

Hey Really!

I'm wishing you a Happy New Year!

I agree with everyone on here that finding a Therapist that can help you navigate your Family of Origin Issues might just do the trick in helping you feel better. Even though it's been a year out you should still congratulate yourself. So what. You've got more healing and growing to do. It isn't the end of the world. You are human. There is no timeline for when this is all supposed to stop hurting. This isn't a race. Just accept that you've got more healing to do.

In the meantime... .  What are things you are doing that bring yourself happiness?

Around New Year's Eve I experience a bout of sadness. I remember my BPDexbf  and I sharing "I love you" text's at midnight on New Year's Eve two years ago. I felt nostalgic and melancholy. I even wondered who's in my shoes now. I just let the feeling wash over me and continued to focus on me. I watched the "HoneyMooner's" marathon, bought a bottle of champagne, hung out with friends, and counted my blessings. I focused on gratitude. I know my ex is still sick. I know he's still disordered. I know he's probably still a con man.  and I know he hasn't changed much. He will forever be broken and mentally ill expecting the world to fix his brokenness.

Continue to be patient with yourself. Healing is not a race; it's a journey.

Spell.

[FindingMe2011]

It's just over 12 months.   I still feel awful.   The lack of closure has destroyed me. 

I wish she could feel a fraction of my pain if only for her to know how little she had to do to ease mine.   

 This is a direct result of you CHOOSING to remain in the victim position. Exactly what is it, that this person could say, or do, that would bring you closure? My guess is that regardless what she said, or did, its not going to do it. If she did something it would be to feed her ego. If she said something, it would not be genuine. ( I still remember that conversation, it was easy to see she just couldnt relate) She has a severe mental disorder, and you choose this person to be the keeper of your happiness.

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=187308.0

 Surina gives good advice, with the therapy idea. I used it in the beginning, and it helped, (along with meds, meditation, and a whole lot of compassion for me and ex) to put me on a healthier path. First you need to understand that this r/s, is not the origin of your pain, it just was the perfect storm to bring it from your subconscious to your conscious. If you really believe that you have not made any strides forward, its time to look for a different path. All these questions and thoughts can be answered, and put in their correct place from within. I wish you well.  PEACE

[really]

Thank you for your responses

Yes absolutely I am in a depressive phase an need to take action to sort that.   

I know just what I will do. 

The one thing I was looking for from her was some simple honesty about her starting her relationship with her fiancé while we were together and while she was talking about having a family with me.  Even that would have helped stopped the ruminating. 

I won't ever get that.   There is no point looking for that. 

2013 will be a good year.

I have a lot to look forward to

[Newton]

really ... .  I would definitely seek out some help for depression if thats what you think is going on right now.  I was suffering from it before I encountered a BPD rs... .  being around someone with more mental health issues than me exacerbated mine ten fold!... .  not a good place to be!

Honesty for someone with BPD is not simple... .  

Know YOUR truth... .  your ex validating to you how badly she behaved won't detract from how badly she behaved... .  or make you feel better.  It will only provide you with the temporary satisfaction of "aha! I knew I was right all along!"

That is a short lived victory... .  the long game is knowing how much more valuable you are than to entertain that sort of behaviour 

[FindingMe2011]

The one thing I was looking for from her was some simple honesty about her starting her relationship with her fiance while we were together and while she was talking about having a family with me.  Even that would have helped stopped the ruminating.

 BPD is a self persecution illness, with all sorts of coping mechanisms, gas-lighting, projection, distortions, and god knows what else. To admit she did this would make her ALL bad, with her black and white thinking, and bring her to extinction, in her mind.  The WORDS she spoke, are only the ammunition you gave her.   Its humanly impossible to be emotionally responsible, for 2 people forever, I tried for over a decade, unless living neck high in fear, shame and guilt, seems to be worth it, and some do. Her finding a new supply first, that can give her something better to mirror, runs with the illness, as you probably have already learned, yet cant accept. Logically, this should help your rumination, but it doesnt, because it is not the origin of your pain, and it remains in the wrong place, and will continue.

Yes absolutely I am in a depressive phase an need to take action to sort that.   

Depression is only bad when it leads to self harming thoughts, and then acts. Its actually the main ingredient to becoming more healthy (mature). One only makes changes when they hit rock bottom, and the reason BPD splits when they perceive this coming. This is one reason to put your feelings in the correct place, even though you dont believe it right now. It took a while to learn how to stand along side my emotions. When I did, things become a lot more clear.  I wish you well,   PEACE


 

[really]

Yes absolutely right Findingme

[rockinaz]

I stopped feeling sorry for myself when I begin to feel the pain all over again. That hurt turns to resentment and rage.  Dare I say hate?  I finally stopped expecting change or closure in any form from her.  Now the hurt is no longer more than I am able to bear.  I realize that there will never be any acknowledgement of her responsibility for causing me so much pain with her years of lies and deceit and so much cheating behind my back.  There will never be closure.  I realize that all those she cheated with were losers who themselves are deceitful sneaky cheats willing to get their own gratification while destroying marriages and families.  None of them feel any remorse, only seek their personal gratification.  I am more than any of them will ever be.  I am beginning to regain some of my dignity I lost.  She once boasted about how many there were when we were having a disagreement.  Now I realize that she is toxic in my life and I want to have her as far out of my life as I can so that I can have a fresh start.  I guess that is what is so good about NC. I will no longer have to deal with any of her lies and deceit.  That is the kind of person she continues to choose to be.  That is not the kind of person I want in my life.  Life is too short and there is so much to experience.  It does no good to hope for something that will never be with someone who doesn't have it in her nature to ever be capable of giving me what I need to find joy in my life.  I need honesty and trust.  I need love in return for the love that I feel and I give.  I will never get that from her.  Our marriage was a failure and 19 years of pure hell on earth for me.  I say no more to that sort of pain and hell.  I went a few times to a therapist.  She was awesome in that she was a realist.  She allowed me to do most of the talking and I was able to realize these things for myself.  Our discussions made it clear that my happiness was completely my own responsibility.  Her happiness or lack thereof is her own responsibility.  I will never be capable of rescuing her or making her happy.  I will never be capable of ever being happy as long as I have her in my life.  I am done.  I am moving on. I am resigned to the fact that the pain will always be there.  My happiness depends on how I react to it and whether I let it keep me from otherwise finding joy in life.  I have great hope for a better life and feel confident it will be.  It certainly can't be any worse than it has been.