After 3 days NC, I sent her a text "miss you"

[chuckstrong]

WOW

i just had to do it... .  couldnt help myself... .  but at least it was the last time in 2012... .  

after 3 days NC sent her a text miss you but havent been contacting you trying to leave you alone... .  i think its for the best i said... .  then i waxed poetic about i still love her so the friends thing wont work for me... .  then

i talked about last year me and her on new years... .  SO maybe her ice cold response will really

help me in 2013 go NC and free myself from this hell

she responded:

' i agree it is best we are no longer in contact. best for both of us . i too keep reflecting back to

 one year ago and how happy and peaceful we were. very surreal. sad. i greive for what we had.

 i hope this year brings a ton of healing for both of us. xo.'

I dont know why but it could just be the end of year thing but this time she sounds serious... .  im feeling hollow

really empty... .  it really feels over... .  could it be? she had broken up with me 3 times over 7

months and asked for NC a dozen times at least... .  could this be it?

i know if it is i should be happy but after hours of phone calls during xmas and feeling like

we were getting closer maybe again she rips my heart out one more time... .  its agonizing... .  

now i wish i hadnt texted her but what i was doing wasnt working either... .  she was NEVER

coming back so why put me thru this prolonged agony?/

im guessing she has a new supply target in her crosshairs... .  some say here thats the BEST thing

that could happen to save us from them and ourselves... .  i feel shattered and powerless and weak

maybe NC is the ONLY way i can heal.I think in her own way shes doing me a favor here... .  i tell you

this time it feels different... .  thats the coldest text/email shes sent... .  

thoughts? prayers? suggestions?

HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone suffering here... .  

CHUCK

[mccarthyhome3]

Hi Chuck... .  everything is always so dramatic with BPD... .  first off she contacted u back... i'm pretty sure if she was serious she wouldn't have... .  i said this once tonight already... .  they mean it "at the time"... she probably means it right now... .  but it will probably change... stay no contact, they inevitably will come get u at some point, then is up to u!... .  happy new year and good luck

[Washisheart]

Oh I have heard alot colder & nastier than that & he's come back for another round. This time oddly enough, I didn't get one of his usual"knife through the heart" sayings as we parted ways, maybe because he is planning future failure & to run back, who knows.

You need something to distract you during your idle time Chuck, I am assuming that is when the urge to call/text arrives.  You need a library card  & some good books to pass the time between shower & sleep. Not necessarily anything heavy to make you think or dwell. Maybe something light to get lost in to pass the time. Murder mystery? James Patterson?

If you want her to pull, you have to push. It's part of the game. I had this man following me across the city because I couldn't stand him.

Do you have her number memorized? If not delete it from your phone. Even if it is memorized, delete it from your phone, that way you can take that moment you are typing those digits in to reflect on whether you should be doing it or not. The delay may save you from hitting send.

From my own personal experience, if he wants nothing to do with me, it's because he is giving someone new the same attention I got at that stage of our game. I got so obsessed with the possibility of him loving someone else, I would bang him the first time he came around because then I knew he cheated on her & couldn't possibly really love her or move on w a clear conscience (before I knew it was BPD )

delete the text so you dont keep reading it. And delete your call list so you dont dwell on the last time you talked.

Go away for a weekend, give yourself something tolook forward to

[Seashells]

Hi Chuck... .  everything is always so dramatic with BPD... .  first off she contacted u back... i'm pretty sure if she was serious she wouldn't have... .  i said this once tonight already... .  they mean it "at the time"... she probably means it right now... .  but it will probably change... stay no contact, they inevitably will come get u at some point, then is up to u!... .  happy new year and good luck

Amen!  and good luck to you Chuck... .  this is hard.  I just got enough guts to post my story on the intro board.  I've been reading your posts.  I do the same in a way, but I don't really cave to every whim 'like butter' as you say... .  but eventually I cave.  No doubt I feel addicted to him continuing the contact, but it never amounts to being what I need or want.  It looks good, seems good, and yet I've learned the hard way not to trust it because I always get let down.

It's very hard.  I keep hoping he'll come through, and yet, while recognizing this is a 'disorder' I somehow know he won't or can't.  Tough stuff man.   Only you can change how you deal and react to it.  I say this knowing I'm in the same boat.

No judgements here.     Be well.

[Seashells]

Oh I have heard alot colder & nastier than that & he's come back for another round. This time oddly enough, I didn't get one of his usual"knife through the heart" sayings as we parted ways, maybe because he is planning future failure & to run back, who knows.

You need something to distract you during your idle time Chuck, I am assuming that is when the urge to call/text arrives.  You need a library card  & some good books to pass the time between shower & sleep. Not necessarily anything heavy to make you think or dwell. Maybe something light to get lost in to pass the time. Murder mystery? James Patterson?

If you want her to pull, you have to push. It's part of the game. I had this man following me across the city because I couldn't stand him.

Do you have her number memorized? If not delete it from your phone. Even if it is memorized, delete it from your phone, that way you can take that moment you are typing those digits in to reflect on whether you should be doing it or not. The delay may save you from hitting send.

From my own personal experience, if he wants nothing to do with me, it's because he is giving someone new the same attention I got at that stage of our game. I got so obsessed with the possibility of him loving someone else, I would bang him the first time he came around because then I knew he cheated on her & couldn't possibly really love her or move on w a clear conscience (before I knew it was BPD )

delete the text so you dont keep reading it. And delete your call list so you dont dwell on the last time you talked.

Go away for a weekend, give yourself something tolook forward to

Excellent advice.   

[chuckstrong]

WOW

total silence today ... .  until... .  two page "happy new year" email

one hour ago

highlights: thinking about you /im sad lonely grieving us/hope you are ok/im worried about you

please be ok/kids updates including which TV shows watched/cant call you on phone now too emotional

/ please erase my texts and photos/ended with "know that i am missing you and loving you. but i strongly feel we keep our own space for now. i love you. xo.

it is absolutly INCREDIBLE ... .  does she have any idea what this is doing to me?

this is after 7 months of push/pull /3 breakups/at least 10 NC requests by her... .  either this is crazy

or i am or both... .  HELP!

Chuck

[mssomebodynice]

OMG!  This is just torture.  I am so sorry this is happening to you.  "For Now?"  This is letting you know she is planning to continue 'said torture'!  Omg!  Shaking my head and wondering how she couldn't possibly know what this is doing to your heart.  I think it is beyond mean.  I am just so sorry this is happening to you.  You don't deserve this.  Hold your head high, because you are an awesome person.  Hugs!

[doubleAries]

Hi Chuck.

Haven't chatted with you for a while--sounds like things are about the same, eh? You know, I have been though something pretty similar to what you are going through now. So I do understand what the obsession is like. And I'm going to throw you a couple pointers I learned the hard way.

Here's something I recognize from my own experience: you keep saying "what she is doing to me". But in reality, you are a big part of this drama. You are egging it on, you are more than participating. You sent her a lovelorn text inviting more contact. Which you then got. You don't want this to be over any more than she does. For some reason (we'll get to that in a minute) both of you are now addicted to the drama of the longest break up in history. Why? I think this article explains it better than I can Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us This is why the numerous attempts at NC have failed. NC isn't the solution. Because contact isn't the problem. Addiction is. Addiction to drama--not "love".

I did this myself once in an (alleged) relationship with a NPD. We couldn't get past the honeymoon phase (he, because he was an NPD 12 years older than me, and I, because I was a 19 year old fresh out of an abusive home, desperate for someone to love me--either way, we were both emotionally immature) so the "relationship" began to fail. It didn't actually "fail"--it morphed into some other phase. A desperate "if only you truly loved me! But alas, I must bid you adieu!" caracature of "romance". That went on for a few years. And I bemoaned constantly to anyone who would listen (that started running thin with a lot of my friends after a while) how he was tearing me apart, shredding my heart (as long as it was him--not me--then I could be the victim who had no control in this mutual game--and he did/said exactly the same on his end).

Point is, if you aren't playing any role in this game, then how can we help you? You have to see your role, and change it. It will either end the dysfunctional relationship, or start changing it into something more healthy The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Happy New Year, and best of luck on the journey. It's worth the effort!

doubleAries

[Consumed]

Chuck,

          RUN!. I just posted a messege in this section before reading yours. I have been doing the same thing as you for 2 years, if you have 7 months and 3 break ups, please run for your self-worth, and sanity. It is a game and I am the only one playing. This is not a game to her, this is her life. Tonight I sit here with my mind and heart torn up yet again, but have not made a decision to save myself. For some reason, knowing down deep that this cycle will repeat itself for a very, very long time, I have not chose to totally end it. If I try to look at this from the outside, it about makes me ill with how much time of my life is going to waste. Right Now, this minute, this is happening to me and I texted her and said, "sorry if I upset you". What am I thinking. I upset her? That is sick. I don't think I can feel anymore ridiculous than I do right now. Take her # out of your phone, block it from coming in, and try to keep yourself busy at all times, if you want to save yourself. Be happy it was only 7 months. I don't usually tell anyone what to do, but I am speaking from the bottom of my heart. We don't have to hate, but we also don't have to sell our souls either. I need help also! Thanks for listening.

[oletimefeelin]

Chuck,

You are almost totally dependent on her mood for your own validation.  This isn't healthy under most circumstances much less with a disordered person whose moods fluctuate with the winds.  One way or another you have to make this less the case.  It's really bad for you. 

The closer you feel yourself getting to her is when you need to know that she's going to pull away.  Conversely when you pull away, she'll come after you.  It's clockwork.  You have to understand her disorder and I am not sure you do.  What you are doing now will never get this person back on your team. 

The one way to take control here is to make a decision for yourself.

[chuckstrong]

Yes Double A it's the same ole same ole

I have re-read some of her emails and texts

from the past few months they all seem so

similar it's scary. So far the pattern is the same

I need to somehow change it and take control.

I have not responded to her impassioned are you

OK i love you miss you am thinking about you

email so based on my past record it's a start.

Everyone friends family people here all say

RUN CHUCK run like your life depended on it.

I'm beginning to think that may be my only choice.

As much as I grasp to the glimmer of hope she

will see the light and I'll become her knight in

shining armor like back in the honeymoon stage

It ain't ever gonna happen and if it did it would

inevitably be the worst possible scenario for me.

I'm wasting such valuable time and energy trying

to recapture something that was an illusion put

forth by a master manipulator. A person with BpD

that I can NEVER have a 50/50 healthy relationship

with. It's NOT possible. So why waste another

moment on this.

Time is so precious I'm tired I'm lost I'm hollow.

I need to find my way back to me again.

So, 28 hours since her impassioned diatribe via

email and so far I have not responded at all .

And God knows I've wanted to. But it's not gonna

matter one way or the other so why waste my valuable

energy anymore. Love venting and the help and love

I get here so thanks again everyone for listening to

Me ramble. God bless all of us here. We deserve better.


Chuck

[Consumed]

Thank YOU Chuck, You have no idea how much you help me. My situation appears to be a mirror image of yours. This site makes me feel understood. There are people in my life that know I'm having a "bad" relationship, but they can't begin to understand the intricate games and manipulation that goes on. She lost it last night and this morning was apologizing, so now I wait for the next one, because I say "it's ok" once again. Then I say to myself, "the next time, that's it". I feel pathetic.

Thank you all for listening.

[chuckstrong]

well... .  

its now 2 days since her impassioned love you/ miss you but we need our space "for now" 2 page email... .  just went in the library and wrote an equally impassioned 2 page response... .  in tears as i wrote it... .  will try SO hard not to send it tonight... .  if i do it repeats the entire 4 month pattern... .  its so ridiculous... .  Ive seen her 1 time since sept 1 yet the longest NC has been 7 days and we keep going round and round back and forth saying the same things over and over... .  I somehow need to take control here break the pattern and start healing with some real NC. thats my power. thats my choice. SO easy for me to say SO Fk'in hard to do... .  thanks to everyone for listening to my continued rambling and for all the love and support... .  its priceless... .  so checking out for now... .  43 hours NC and counting... .  

Chuck

[recoil]

Hey Chuck,

I just wanted to say that I feel for you.  This is a very hard road.  Your last post made me think of this:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Albert Einstein gets the credit.

When I left my uBPDgf, I used to count the days between contact -- and we work in the same building (seeing her and not talking to her was very tough).  During the times we could converse (email/text only), I applied SET and noticed an immediate improvement. 

I wrote hundreds of letters that I never emailed (thank goodness, as they were written in my former frame of mind).  Once I really started applying lessons from all the boards (staying/undecided/even leaving), things got better, slowly.

There was a big turning point when I decided to only respond to her contact, in very limited fashion.  I think she sensed me pulling away.  When she pulled harder, I was at a point where I could apply the lessons. 

We still have issues but we are together.  I am still continuing to work on myself.  I am still reading the boards here and even re-reading the lessons.  I have also read about 15 books over the past four months.  I found reading books enlightening and soothing, especially since they applied to my relationship in every way.

Some included:

Codependent No More

The High Conflict Couple

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

I Hate You - Don't Leave Me

Stop Walking on Eggshells

The White Knight Syndrome

The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath (what better way to see the inside of a BPD's mind?)

Understanding the Borderline Mother

and many more.

Keep strong. 

[Consumed]

Chuck

I read a post in the Leaving :Detaching section today called

"Today is 1 year after my breakup with BPDgf (hope and lessons learned)" by exBPDgf.

I really need this site lately and stuff like that and all the support gives me hope.

Thank you all

[Seashells]

Chuck,

Just a thought seconding or following up on the other suggestion about emails. What you're going through was excruciatingly hard for me, (and many others as well it seems we all share this).

This worked for me, WHEN HE ended it or cut me off, but your mileage may vary; just thought I'd share. 

If you need to 'get it out', write it on a piece of paper the old fashioned way.  Don't send it.  Wait at least 12-24 hrs, re-read it.  Change what you want, edit at will.  Do not send it. Wait another 12-24 hrs.   Repeat this again and/or start a new one.  Tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself, (for example, I'll send it next week if I feel this way and put it away).  Whatever discipline works for you.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

Keep writing, keep editing... .  do not send.  If you require to send you must re-type in an email.  Wait 24hrs, re-read, edit etc. 

I did this for MONTHS.  In literally hundreds of emails I wrote I've only ever sent one or two, and they weren't when we were broken up.   I refused to chase or beg him, but it drove me crazy not to communicate and express myself somehow.   I had so much to say. 

The point is ... .  make rules for yourself so your still getting the thoughts out of your system and it 'feels' like your communicating in a way... .  but it's safe. 

If I hadn't done this, I'd have never been able to make it through.   Cold turkey is not my dish, so I had to find another way to make it palatable to work. 

It still leaves you focusing on them, but I needed space and time to get it out of my system that way before I could think about doing other things that were good for me.

It also gives you one heck of an eye opener when you go back and see what's been written later.  It's the same concept as journaling in that regard.   

[Newton]

Seashells ... .  a great post with very sound advice 

[ExTreme]

Since NC I've fumbled clumsily for closure, failing sadly despite honest introspection. A list of questions and items for clarification that I need from my NC-issuing Man has become a couple of pages long. Lots of questions have been arising about new information.

Lots of insights into his sensitivities, FOO dynamics, r/s and sexual history... .  all of which he withheld- chose not to share with his monogamous gf of five years- me, but feels comfortable sharing to the masses on msg. boards. Fear of intimacy? OK with private sentiments communicated to strangers?

I feel the sting of deception and hurt that he didn't regard me as privileged to core aspects of himself. Respecting NC leaves many unanswered questions. Panic from a sense of urgency for wanting answers I am entitled to... .  frustration from NC void while formulating non-judgmental, non-aggressive queries... .  As the list grows I'm feeling a resentment-laden pulling away from him... .  like, "Why should I care about him any more, any less. He wanted NC and has cut communication. I wasn't privy to key facts that would have been beneficial to our understanding of each other and our r/s."

Getting to know his true self that he did not represent is making detachment easier for me to accept.

I miss him... .  :'(

[Gaslit]

chuckstrong, one thing I have learned, that if you send them a text with the theme of the one you sent, they will Match it.

In other words, you might hope that they say something different, but instead they match/mirror what you wrote.

And think about it, you're "abandoning" her, so she abandons you. I think this also happen in non BPDs situations.

She may be no more serious about her text, as apparently, you were about your text... .  You know?

[chuckstrong]

After a little over two days NC and i did in fact respond to her email last night at 12 midnight... .  i was i think for the most part very matter of fact and responsive to hers but i did wane at times with a miss you or two... .  the good news (i think) is based on recoil's suggestion i used SET a great

deal... .  " i appreciate you trying to look after our healing" "i know you want the best for us both" i know this is difficult for you" i worry you may be sad and lonely" among others... .  it felt good to write it... .  debated wheather to send it or not but decided i will lovingly respond with validation and SET when she contacts me like she did a couple days ago via email. I just need to do it in a shorter more limited fashion in the future so maybe she realizes im getting on with my life and wish her well but still do care. . otherwise i will stay NC... .  dont exactly what to do really but i guess at this point i gotta try something new or else im insane to expect different results. i guess today is a new day and we start again. will stay NC unless she reaches out then i will respond in a SHORT but caring fashion. Also trying to intimate that im moving on with her or with out her. Which i clearly need to do at this juncture anyway... .  

As usual comments/suggestions/criticisms/solutions/support all welcome

Thank you all... .  

Chuck

 

[PM720]

Chuck:

I am speaking from my experience and maybe this will not relate to you, but here goes.  I have never once received anything positive from sending a heartfelt email or text.  In most cases it was either ignored or somehow turned around, so that I was the bad guy. Or I was the reason that we could not be together.  The only time I ever saw anything was when I went NC.  I started working out everyday, going out with friends, and living my life.  It wasn't until then that she came to me, crying and pleading that things could be better.

My next mistake was to then fall back into this trap. Because that's what it is.  When they feel you leaving then do what they can to bring you back in.  I stopped working out, started texting her more and talking about trying to fix things, and you know what happened, she all of a sudden went back to exactly who she was.  Then it became, "I don't know if its a good idea", " I need you to show me that you can be different", it was all back on me. 

In my opinion, its a game to these people. The moment the see you leaving and no longer fighting to have them back, then they will chase you. But they don't really want you, they just want to continue the game.

I know you may feel this way bc I do too, but we are not the victims.  We allowed this to happen to us. If we continue doing the same things we have always done, then it will continue to happen and we will have no one to blame but ourselves.  I wish you the best of luck.  From what you have written, I think you know exactly what you should do.  Just like I know what I should do.  I just up we build up enough strength to do it.

[chuckstrong]

PM

Exactly on point! ... .  thank you!... .  even tho i kinda knew what you are saying it was very important to hear it again... .  i will read your post many many more times to remind me... .  i knew i shouldnt do it again but like the past million times i couldnt help myself... .  need to do next time what seashells and others suggested... .  write em but DO NOT send em... .  nothing good can come of it only ffeds her narcissism and fuels the fire more... .  its so sick but you are 100 percent correct... .  a silly never ending brutally heart wrenching game at that... .  if i dont want to play anymore NC will be my ONLY

choice... .  thanks again and best wishes to you as well!

Chuck

[chuckstrong]

hi all

update- 5 days total NC... .  7 since her love/you miss you but we should keep space for now email and

today i am struggling mightily... .  so close to a "miss you-hope you are doing ok" text that i know

i shouldnt send... .  ill lose power and almost start the clock over even if she responds... .  but... .  if she doesnt ill really feel powerless and bummed... .  so PLEAASSE everyone tell me to hang on ... .  i want to stay NC

but i admit i keep hoping sh reaches out so i can LC a slow response... .  what a silly game really!

also, im worked up cause i was on FB today havent been on in a month or two and discovered she

re=activated her page she took down right after our breakup ... .  i appear to be de-friended as well but  still she has on her public portion a prominent pic of me and her at Lady A concert last May.

was all i could do not to "like" it but that would have spooked her... .  and of course i cant send her a friend request can I? So, this nightmare continues to be brutal... .  now ill be checking FB constantly to see if the pic of us is still there... .  i figure no realcement yet if pic on... .  so messed up... .  

someone... .  anyone? set me straight here... .  ole time? ... .  johnny o? PM720? recoil?

helpppppppppp!

Chuck

[cookiecrumbled]

Oh Chuck... .  I feel like I am watching a runaway train speeding toward the edge of a cliff.   

FORCE yourself to do something to get away from it.  Give your phone away.  Go visit someone out of town - anything!  You sent the last text that was far nicer than it should have been - remember it is HER turn in this game of Russian Roulette you are playing. 

I found this board three days ago.  My dog died last year and he disappeared for four days, saying he "couldn't handle my drama" and wanted time by himself.  That was the first time I realized this man has something wrong with him.  We had already been dating a year, introduced each other to our children, our parents, etc.  He left me for good in July without notice - we had a wonderful date, amazing sex, he walked me to my car and said, "Good night, Honey.  I'll see you tomorrow.  Love you."  And that was it.  He didn't respond to any contact for weeks while I went out of my mind.  I've only seen him a few times between then and now.

My father was diagnosed with stomach cancer on 12/20.  Ex knows this, yet he didn't respond to my text on 12/29 when I texted him the terrible news we'd just received:  that my father has 3-6 months to live.  Instead, after he didn't respond, I asked how his holiday was (I was in shock and decided to bait him, and just see how awful he is) and he actually responded (first time in a month).  He wrote: "Mine sucked.  Both kids had the flu."  I laughed out loud.  I tell him my father has 3-6 months to live and he doesn't respond - but his Christmas "sucked" because his children (who I'm certain were with their mother, not him) had the flu.  Wow.  Just... .  wow.  I even texted him after that, asking him to call me when he got a chance "because I could really use a friendly voice right now."  Nothing.

These people will never "be there" for us - and is that not the very definition of a relationship?  I am watching that train about to go off the cliff and tell you to please pull the hand brake because I AM ON THAT TRAIN WITH YOU.  Save yourself.  I think this board has saved me.  I had never heard of Borderline Personality Disorder before two months ago (I'm an attorney - we know nothing about psychology  ) when I was frantically searching for an answer to this inexplicable abandonment.  Since finding this board, I have had no desire to send him a text.  That is HUGE for me.  I am trying to prepare myself for the ebb of my resolve, but also I am simply trying to live in the moment and pay more attention to my children and my work and praying for my poor father.  My EX doesn't have cancer, so he can suck it.

Good luck and please please please try not to send her anything. 



Cookie

[oletimefeelin]

Don't text ever text "I miss you" to a woman you are interested in romantically.  Especially this one who is looking for anything to stroke her fragile ego.  Make her laugh.  No gooey nostalgia etc.  At this point, you know to stay quiet.  You come here for us to remind you of this.  It's hard but for the best.  

[chuckstrong]

Didnt text her anything and im feeling a little better today... .  i may be able to do this... .  6 Days NC now and dont expect to hear from her anytime soon... .  but... .  then who knows... .  true test will be when/if

she contacts me will i be able to ignore and stay NC... .  if i do it will be the FIRST time... .  i guess we cross

that bridge when we get there... .  so for now its NC ------

Chuck

[WideAwake]

Hey Chuck.  You are doing great with a really difficult situation - one day at a time. 

I can sympathize with what you are going through.  I have been going through a similar cycle with my NPDbf for the last 3 years.  Things will be going well, almost too well, and that's when I always begin to wait for the other shoe to drop.  At that point I can start to see it coming like storm on the horizon and it's just a matter of time until he "smashes things" (figuratively) leaving me feeling dazed and confused.  It's usually impulsive, but predictable at the same time.  Typically he breaks up with me in a long and dramatic email or text message, telling me how he loves me but that we just can't be together. That he needs time and space to try to "make himself better", find his path in life, etc. At the same time he always drops some sort of hint of wanting the door to be left open.  I think he knows himself well enough to see his own patterns.  He knows that he pushes me away in a frantic attempt to "leave me before I leave him" or to avoid feeling engulfed / overwhelmed, but then he instantly regrets the decision. It's as though he needs some relief and will do anything to stop the pain, but as soon as he has the relief he so craved that brings around a whole new type of pain. 

I love this man very much and so each time he does this I respect his decision and let him go.  I tell him that as much as his decision hurts me and is not what I want that I do want him to be happy and to find peace.  Inevitably every time we go through this cycle he comes back.  I think the longest he has ever been able to maintain no contact is 72 hours.  I miss him when he is gone, but the real torture begins when he starts to contact me again.  It starts as a text message or a short email telling me that he is sorry and misses me and just wants to see if I'm okay.  When I try to respect his wishes / give him what he asked me for and I either don't respond or I respond in such a way that keeps some distance between us, suddenly I am the bad guy.  At that point I am accused of "pushing him away", not caring about him or having left him.  It's a well constructed no win situation - guaranteed to make the most sane person feel crazy. Somehow it always ends up the same - I find myself apologizing and feeling like I am loosing my mind and the pattern begins again.       

He is self-aware enough to know that this behavior isn't "normal" or fair and I think he wants to stop the cycle, but can't figure out how to. I don't think it's a game to him and that's what makes it so difficult.  If I felt like he was consciously or maliciously playing a game then it would be easy to demonize him and learn to hate him.  He does many, many hurtful things, but I know they aren't done maliciously, if that makes sense?  I know these are all coping and defense mechanisms, but they still hurt.

Sometimes I think we get so caught up in what is best for the BPD person in our life that we forget to think about what is best for us.  It's easy to do because they are constantly so awash with and overwhelmed by their own emotions.  Going no contact with this woman will be very difficult, but if it is what you feel is best for you, then I encourage you to stick to it.  Based on the pattern all of these relationships seem to follow, it's not a question of if she will be back, but when.  I guess the best "advice" I can offer is use this time while you are not communicating to think about how you want to handle things when she next tries to make contact with you.  Focus on controlling what you can in this situation and that is your own behavior and your own boundaries.

Try to take some time for yourself - do some nice things for you like read a book, go on a favorite walk, even get out of town for a few days if you can manage that.  Try to find even just a small part of the person you were before and reconnect with that part of yourself. One day at a time - tomorrow is always a new day.

Anyhow, this is my first time posting anything on the message boards.  Hope it helps just to know that there are folks who can sympathize with what you are going through.  You aren't alone      

[chuckstrong]

thank you... .  not doing so well... .  10 minute crying meltdown in my car just now

i just dont get it... .  i dont... .  and i never will... .  its so Fking sick this BPD... .  it all seems like a dream

now this person i shared the most intimate part of myself with... .  she threw it all away on a dime

like it was nothing... .  im guessing the week of NC we are at now has been a little harder on me than

her... .  why is it feeling worse right now not better as we break our all time NC record 7 days... .  

does she even know that? or care?

why at Xmas did i get a 90 minute xmas eve phone call followed by 3 more on xmas day?

so she could pull the rug out just one more time?

im the crazy one im beginning to think for allowing this treatment OVER and OVER

when will it end?

Chuck

[patientandclear]

It's as though he needs some relief and will do anything to stop the pain, but as soon as he has the relief he so craved that brings around a whole new type of pain.

Well said (in fact WideAwake, that was a remarkable first post!  Welcome!)

Someone else said that pwBPD are attempting to manage pain both by entering (re-entering) and by leaving relationships.  Change is the constant because when the status quo is always painful, change is the only route that seems to offer hope.  Change both directions: getting close, and leaving/distancing.

[patientandclear]

thank you... .  not doing so well... .  10 minute crying meltdown in my car just now

i just dont get it... .  i dont... .  and i never will... .  its so Fking sick this BPD... .  it all seems like a dream

now this person i shared the most intimate part of myself with... .  she threw it all away on a dime

like it was nothing... .  im guessing the week of NC we are at now has been a little harder on me than

her... .  why is it feeling worse right now not better as we break our all time NC record 7 days... .  

does she even know that? or care?

why at Xmas did i get a 90 minute xmas eve phone call followed by 3 more on xmas day?

so she could pull the rug out just one more time?

im the crazy one im beginning to think for allowing this treatment OVER and OVER

when will it end?

Chuck

Hi Chuck.  I know how hard it is.  I've had many such crying sessions.

In what you wrote just now, I hear both an intense sadness that is completely understandable and necessary; and a lack of acceptance of what causes this that is probably contributing to your pain.  I don't know how to hurry acceptance either, so not sure how helpful that is, but I do think the "why does it have to be this way?" questions are torture and if you can manage to explain that to yourself consistently, it will feel better.

For the longest time I wrote little pieces of my understanding on index cards & carried them around with me -- things like "the closer he feels to me, the worse he feels."  That's an amazing statement but in the case of my uBPDex, a true one, and probably true of almost all the people we are on here writing about.  But when I really grasp the truth of it, it requires that I let go of that whole family of hurtful questions like "if I was more XY or Z would it be different?"

Honestly, if you can assimilate that the better things are, the harder things are; and that pwBPD can't just reason themselves out of that emotional Catch 22 ... .  maybe you can forgive yourself, and her.  Neither of you can just make her reactions go away by wanting it.  Her reactions come from a real place of fear; she does not know how to fully trust you; and these likely are really coping mechanisms to deal with real hurt, before you.

Right now, since she is not saying she is open to more, you can love her from a distance and give her space.  Which means not invading with "I miss you."

If she is open to more and thinks she might be up to it, and you want to try, you should spend time on the Staying Board to understand what you might do differently so your actions/reactions are not making things worse.  Fundamentally though, you cannot engage with a pwBPD and expect them to function normally emotionally.  It won't happen and expecting it to is a recipe for hurt for both of you.