I got dumped after an argument and treated as if I cheated or lied to my ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm starting a new thread because I'm so confused.  I appreciate your patience in reading through this long post. But if anyone can perhaps offer some insights that would be great.

My ex gf dumped me 4.5 months ago. We had been together for 3 years in a loving relationship. But my ex had some emotional problems and suffered from ongoing depression and anxiety. She also complained of feeling isolated and lonely a lot ( despite having loads of friends and close family AND me!)

She seemed to always be insecure with me and feared abandonment. She completely demonised her exes and they were all abusive or stalkers. Her love seemed ( now on reflection) more about her need to fill her void rather than true love. I once found a note she wrote to herself saying that "other people cannot fill the void".

I had basically started to get frustrated with my ex and the way she spoke rudely to me. She could be very snappy and defensive when you didn't agree with her or challenged her. She was super sensitive too. She was inconsistent in her actions and stories of abuse would change. For example, she told me she had a frigid ex who never wanted her sexually and was cold and distant. My ex said they both had to go to couples counselling... .  Fast forward two years later- she claims this same ex tried to rape her and always wanted to touch her in public and she then said she went ALONE to counselling. How can a story change so much!

She also claimed to have had all these abusive exes and stalkers. And that she had a bad childhood and was bullied ( but her parents and brother know nothing). She always seemed to be a victim.

She was sexually conservative and had a low libido which was one of our problems. Hardly ever initiated sex. She told me she would never send me a naked photo of herself over text. Never. I accepted that totally and for 2.7 years she kept reiterating she wouldn't do that. 

Suddenly after 2.7 years together she sends me a photo of her breasts over text. It was a surprise and out of character.  I was pleasantly surprised of course but curious as to why she changed her mind about sending a photo. She was so strongly against it the entire relationship.

I also felt like I didn't understand her anymore. I felt I kept learning new abuse stories about her, her opinions would change... she didn't seem to know what career she wanted ( kept changing)... and even her interests changed. So we were in a cafe and I asked her why she changed her mind and sent me a nude shot.  She wouldn't really say and I kept probing and she then said "well... I didn't know you well in the beginning so who knows- you may have done something with the photo had we broken up. And my body is sacred"

Fair enough. But for some reason I felt the real reason was that she feared she may lose me- hence why suddenly she was really into sex too. I kind of kept probing and said she changed her mind suddenly after being very against it. She SNAPPED and barked "I don't have to justify myself to you ok!"

People in the cafe could hear. It was so unnecessary. I was sick of her snapping at me and then went quiet. I then went home after and stewed on it. I was at my wits end and ended up crying as I had just had a fight with my mum too and was upset at how my gf was talking to me too. I was also upset about how she never bought me any jewellery (another issue) and that I thought she may be lying about abuse stories. It all overwhelmed me and I then remembered one thing she had changed her mind on and wanted to check if she was going to change it again. 

This is where I was at fault.

Testing people or rechecking for inconsistencies isn't healthy either but I wanted to get my point across to her. So I asked her about gay male sex. Early in the relationship she claimed she had had an erotic dream once about a gay guy on a tv show and appreciated gay sex scenes. She also used to point out hot guys to me randomly. Weird for a lesbian!

Later she started saying how she found anal sex "ew" etc and how she would prefer to "kill herself" than go with a man. I couldn't keep up. 

That night I asked her again and this time she tells me she gets "turned on" by gay male sex scenes. I hadn't heard her use this phrase before so again it was a shock. When I expressed my surprise and that I felt weird about it she snapped again at me. I then told her I find her really inconsistent and snappy. I pretty much launched into her to tell her off for being way too defensive over being asked why her opinions and actions keep changing. She became even more defensive and said "I am not endlessly defensive! And I am not a perfect person who fits into a box of consistency!"

And I told her that we'd been going out for 3 years and I didn't feel like I had a clear understanding of her because her opinions kept dramatically changing and stories/actions and she never liked being asked why. She didn't want to hear it and then told me " I am a deeply honest person! You're implying clearly I am deceptive. I am deeply honest and it's part of my value system. You're saying something very clear about my character and nobody has ever said this about me my whole life!"

I couldn't calm her down.

[Diana82]

I'm starting a new thread because I'm so confused.  I appreciate your patience in reading through this long post. But if anyone can perhaps offer some insights that would be great.

My ex gf dumped me 4.5 months ago. We had been together for 3 years in a loving relationship. But my ex had some emotional problems and suffered from ongoing depression and anxiety. She also complained of feeling isolated and lonely a lot ( despite having loads of friends and close family AND me!)

She seemed to always be insecure with me and feared abandonment. She completely demonised her exes and they were all abusive or stalkers. Her love seemed ( now on reflection) more about her need to fill her void rather than true love. I once found a note she wrote to herself saying that "other people cannot fill the void".

I had basically started to get frustrated with my ex and the way she spoke rudely to me. She could be very snappy and defensive when you didn't agree with her or challenged her. She was super sensitive too. She was inconsistent in her actions and stories of abuse would change. For example, she told me she had a frigid ex who never wanted her sexually and was cold and distant. My ex said they both had to go to couples counselling... .  Fast forward two years later- she claims this same ex tried to rape her and always wanted to touch her in public and she then said she went ALONE to counselling. How can a story change so much!

She also claimed to have had all these abusive exes and stalkers. And that she had a bad childhood and was bullied ( but her parents and brother know nothing). She always seemed to be a victim.

She was sexually conservative and had a low libido which was one of our problems. Hardly ever initiated sex. She told me she would never send me a naked photo of herself over text. Never. I accepted that totally and for 2.7 years she kept reiterating she wouldn't do that. 

Suddenly after 2.7 years together she sends me a photo of her breasts over text. It was a surprise and out of character.  I was pleasantly surprised of course but curious as to why she changed her mind about sending a photo. She was so strongly against it the entire relationship.

I also felt like I didn't understand her anymore. I felt I kept learning new abuse stories about her, her opinions would change... she didn't seem to know what career she wanted ( kept changing)... and even her interests changed. So we were in a cafe and I asked her why she changed her mind and sent me a nude shot.  She wouldn't really say and I kept probing and she then said "well... I didn't know you well in the beginning so who knows- you may have done something with the photo had we broken up. And my body is sacred"

Fair enough. But for some reason I felt the real reason was that she feared she may lose me- hence why suddenly she was really into sex too. I kind of kept probing and said she changed her mind suddenly after being very against it. She SNAPPED and barked "I don't have to justify myself to you ok!"

People in the cafe could hear. It was so unnecessary. I was sick of her snapping at me and then went quiet. I then went home after and stewed on it. I was at my wits end and ended up crying as I had just had a fight with my mum too and was upset at how my gf was talking to me too. I was also upset about how she never bought me any jewellery (another issue) and that I thought she may be lying about abuse stories. It all overwhelmed me and I then remembered one thing she had changed her mind on and wanted to check if she was going to change it again. 

This is where I was at fault.

Testing people or rechecking for inconsistencies isn't healthy either but I wanted to get my point across to her. So I asked her about gay male sex. Early in the relationship she claimed she had had an erotic dream once about a gay guy on a tv show and appreciated gay sex scenes. She also used to point out hot guys to me randomly. Weird for a lesbian!

Later she started saying how she found anal sex "ew" etc and how she would prefer to "kill herself" than go with a man. I couldn't keep up. 

That night I asked her again and this time she tells me she gets "turned on" by gay male sex scenes. I hadn't heard her use this phrase before so again it was a shock. When I expressed my surprise and that I felt weird about it she snapped again at me. I then told her I find her really inconsistent and snappy. I pretty much launched into her to tell her off for being way too defensive over being asked why her opinions and actions keep changing. She became even more defensive and said "I am not endlessly defensive! And I am not a perfect person who fits into a box of consistency!"

And I told her that we'd been going out for 3 years and I didn't feel like I had a clear understanding of her because her opinions kept dramatically changing and stories/actions and she never liked being asked why. She didn't want to hear it and then told me " I am a deeply honest person! You're implying clearly I am deceptive. I am deeply honest and it's part of my value system. You're saying something very clear about my character and nobody has ever said this about me my whole life!"

I couldn't calm her down.

[Diana82]

Then we started a text fight. She just didn't get what I was saying and didn't apologise for any of her snappy rudeness- just kept defending herself.  She went to look after her nephew and later that day I tried to call her but she sent me a text saying "my hands are full, will call after 6 pm". I was still quite annoyed at her and was going to a party that evening so I replied: "that's ok, I am going out so maybe we talk another time"

Silence.

I then thought that may have been harsh so I responded saying "I will excuse myself so we can chat at 8?"

She replies "yes- but it needs to be in person".

But I couldn't so we ended up chatting on the phone. She was hysterically sobbing telling me she has been crying all day. Then saying "why do people always do this! Why do they hurt me!"

And then she said "I'm a lonely person- I was lonely before I met you".

She wasn't making sense so I apologised to her for fighting and told her I was emotional and upset and had also fought with my mum. I told her to get some sleep and we will chat in morning.  She did not apologise to me for snapping.

Next day total change of tune.

She calls me and tells me "you crossed the line! You need help and you have baggage from your ex. You're a very suspicious person and you need help!"

Then she picked out every wrong thing I had ever done in our rship and threw it at me. She told me " the clincher for me was the text you sent- saying "maybe we chat another time"! That was you trying to make a point!"

I tried to reason with her and she told me she loves me a lot but doesn't think she can "look past this". It was as if I had cheated or lied to her.

Later I go to her house and she changes and tells me she no longer has any feelings and isn't in love. She also said I "burnt her" and hurt her more than anyone else and to leave her alone.

Talk about inconsistent right there!

And she meant it when she said leave her alone. She never picked up my calls, ignored all attempts of me to apologise and reconcile. She then changed her number and blocked me on Facebook. I have been wiped off forever- she refuses to talk to me. 

And for what! Because of that fight.

Thoughts?

[Justadude]

your intense reactions to your sexual relationship is causing additional conflict. she may well be very inconsistent with her feelings and life choices and have the victim/depressed personality because she has unresolved interpersonal problems, which you should encourage her to seek out treatment rather than be her therapist or try to piece the murder mystery together. but really, i think your insecurity over sex is something you need to look at in yourself instead of projecting blame on to her.

i been in similar situations in the past and for me it was the fear that i was not good enough in bed, or maybe they liked someone else, or some general intense fear I had so I'd do what you'd do. I'd probe. When they revealed something I'd freak out, "like OMG". Its quite funny looking back at the interactions. Rather than enjoy the experience I put a lot of pressure on things because of my own personal issues. I mean ok so 2.7 years later she sends you some pictures of her tits. Smile buttercup, don't go 48 hours on her like you are trying to solve a murder mystery. The gay guy sex thing, who knows, but it shouldn't be so threatening to you if you are secure in your OWN sexuality.

[Diana82]

All i can think is that because she is so sensitive... this fight probably triggered her fear of abandonment and she thought because i stood up for myself (for once), she thought I may leave her. So she hastily ended things first.

And to make herself feel like a victim again she has to be a drama queen and tell me I burnt her and to leave her alone. Even going as far as changing her number - all to reassure her that I deserved to be cut off

[Diana82]

Yes I know me bringing up the gay male sex stuff was stupid. I should have focused on the real stuff I was concerned about which was why her abuse stories changed.

Why has her ex suddenly become a rapist predator? Why is it that every woman she dates ends up being a stalker but nobody else knows about it? Why is she always the victim and gets defensive when questioned about her inconsistencies?

Maybe I am suspicious- but she gave me reason to be

I still don't see why I get dumped for saying any of that

[charred]

If she is BPD, and it sounds like she probably is, then what you described is normal for them. The partner is all good or all bad, and once they are bad they have to embellish the story to get anyone to agree with them, as the truth isn't all bad typically. My exBPDgf told me her first husband beat her every day and she had to get sheriff out and get an annulment... .  (maybe... ) and that her second husband seemed quiet/deep, but was actually retarded... and she had some other story about each of the 7 guys she was engaged too  , and once we were on and off... .  stories about me. After we split for a month we got back together and were supposed to go to a lake with one of her friends for a weekend, and the friend backed out saying they couldn't be around someone that would do the things I did... .  all I knew of was buying furniture/computers/electronics and gifts for my dream girl... .  no idea what she told people, but I know it wasn't accurate.

My exBPDgf used to say I cheated and lied to her... .  and defined cheating as going to someone else for ANY emotional comfort/support, and lying as including "lies of omission", in other words not telling her something (which happened because she would fly off the handle so easy)... but while she would argue the semantics with me, she said "lie" and "cheat" to her friends/family and didn't ever clarify it... .  pure evil manipulation for sympathy and painting me black.

If you are so emotionally stunted that you can only see people as all good or bad... .  I guess you have to make them that way somehow... super sensitive emotions is only explanation I have, they FEEL you are bad when you disagree with them, so they modify things till their reality matches their feelings, and can be justified by them to some degree. When challenged they shift so fast it makes your head spin, and they end up making you feel like it is your fault... .  whatever they did.

[Justadude]

Diana82: I learned that when you are with someone people reveal all kinds of weird ___ that's not consistent. its just the nature of women (jk). i once dated this girl who told me she was into swinger parties, and made out with one of her friends frequently, and of course I was like wth, this is odd, but I didn't judge her on her sexuality, i evaluated our relationship based on how we treated each other and how our relationship was going. she had all kinds of issues too. mom died she was sad about and just whatever, she was depressed, she couldn't sleep, so she was fatigued. but I learned its not my JOB to figure out their problems or OWN them. It's my job to enjoy dinner, go out for a walk, spend time together, be in a RELATIONSHIP. Should those personal problems begin to affect our relationship than I would highly encourage the person to seek a therapist while attempting to enjoy parts of the relationship.

Diana82: You most likely are not DUMPED. Maybe you two just need a separation. Some time to re-evaluate things. What difference does it make if she was raped? What difference does it make if she dated 200 women who stalked her because she was so awesome and people can't stand to be away from her? Why are you trying to rationalize a victim personality? What are you trying to prove here about her or yourself? I been here I really have. I'll give you some stuff. I dated this girl who said she was gang raped at a college frat. This girl was smoking hot I mean just my god. I would have done anything to fix her because she was so gosh darn hot and the sex was amazing, but at the end of the day when she was out banging all these other people and all this other drama it was the relationship that was not, but I swear I would have given my whole life up to fix that girl because she was so hot so the inconsistencies and me trying to help her was so important because if I fixed her I'd get this really hot chick, but at the end of the day, who the heck knows.

[FindingMe2011]

Diana,

   This is  JMHO, and what I can see from your words. You are on here reading and posting yet, your not ACCEPTING the illness. Along with this, your finding ways to make this r/s the origin of your pain. We have all done it, and some will continue, but the truth is if we dont become emotionally healthier (mature), stuck, is where we will remain. These days, I still have bouts with these feelings,(I have now gained the knowledge and tools to relatively quickly, put them in their correct place) but when I see how this has been my line of thinking my entire life, I understand. I also believe to some degree, that they will continue, to some degree, for the rest of my life. So its up to me, to make the changes. I learned some things, that were not correct, nor fair to me. I found when I put the focus on myself, discovered my self torture, suffered through more abandonment depression, I could see my line of thinking change ever so slowly. It was the amount my subconcious could handle, a little bit at a time. So its been close to 2 yrs, from a 12 1/2 yr r/s. Therapy at first, meds, meditation, establishing, and reestablishing boundaries, exploring my FOO, and most likely some other stuff. Its alot to do, but eventually I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and more light seems to shine, when I evaluate my progress from time to time. I find when I put these small pieces of progress, in their correct place, a little more peace emerges. I never could have imagined, how much i buried.

  She seemed to always be insecure with me and feared abandonment. She completely demonized her exes and they were all abusive or stalkers. Her love seemed ( now on reflection) more about her need to fill her void rather than true love. I once found a note she wrote to herself saying that "other people cannot fill the void"

Do you understand that she doesn't have the ability to suffer through abandonment depression. She demonizes herself, and has to cast these feelings to others, and its a continuous loop that never stops. Another reason to not take it personally. Yet until we see past our narcissistic injury, we do. It would be death for a person whom has no self. So it cant be her FAULT, the result is death, in her mind. So she, just as everyone does, develops defensive coping mechanisms, to protect her ego.  The more important question. Will this r/s change your perception of what LOVE is?

Fair enough. But for some reason I felt the real reason was that she feared she may lose me- hence why suddenly she was really into sex too. I kind of kept probing and said she changed her mind suddenly after being very against it. She SNAPPED and barked "I don't have to justify myself to you ok!"



Your gut feeling was correct, yet you ignored it. You manipulated her, to get what you needed, and she temporarily eased her abandonment fears. If sex is this important to you, find a partner that shares this. Keep in mind that sex, is around number 10, on the criteria of what makes up a healthy r/s.

It was so unnecessary. I was sick of her snapping at me and then went quiet. I then went home after and stewed on it. I was at my wits end.

Not in her mind, and she is in survival mode, with no ability to have empathy, to see your frustrations. Now you are changing the rules to the r/s. It was bound to happen. One person cant possibly be emotional responsible for 2. In the end, I lost myself and wonder sometimes how I did it.  My own abandonment issues.

I had just had a fight with my mum too

This is a better place to start, to find the origin of your pain. Not the events that just removes the bandaids, from your pain you have spent your life covering.

[FindingMe2011]

Testing people or rechecking for inconsistencies isn't healthy either but I wanted to get my point across to her.

I would have to disagree. I now make sure that I hold everybody responsible for their actions and words. I learned that the women in my life, were given a pass due to my deficiencies. Taking new r/s slow, and observing words and actions, to see that they correspond has allowed me to exit stage left, before too much becomes vested. Those that lie, cant possibly keep up with them. Is this what you need in a r/s?

So I asked her about gay male sex. Early in the relationship she claimed she had had an erotic dream once about a gay guy on a tv show and appreciated gay sex scenes. She also used to point out hot guys to me randomly. Weird for a lesbian!

Without a self, identity and sexuality may also change. Especially when feelings are facts to one with strong BPD traits. I learned that my xuBPDw first consensual (she claims an uncle molested her) sex, was with a friend of her older brother, and a staged one night stand, as he was married. She then told me (after I found some pics) she had a 4 yr r/s, with a woman. Then said she ended it, because she didnt love her. Makes sense when you base things on needs and not wants.

That night I asked her again and this time she tells me she gets "turned on" by gay male sex scenes. I hadn't heard her use this phrase before so again it was a shock. When I expressed my surprise and that I felt weird about it she snapped again at me. I then told her I find her really inconsistent and snappy. I pretty much launched into her to tell her off for being way too defensive over being asked why her opinions and actions keep changing. She became even more defensive and said "I am not endlessly defensive! And I am not a perfect person who fits into a box of consistency!"

And I told her that we'd been going out for 3 years and I didn't feel like I had a clear understanding of her because her opinions kept dramatically changing and stories/actions and she never liked being asked why. She didn't want to hear it and then told me " I am a deeply honest person! You're implying clearly I am deceptive. I am deeply honest and it's part of my value system. You're saying something very clear about my character and nobody has ever said this about me my whole life!"

I couldn't calm her down.

You hearing she is turned on by men, must have spiked your abandonment fears, and rightfully so. Probably much in the way me hearing my xw told me about her female partner of 4 yrs. At the time my thinking believed that she had worked through all of her past issues, just as I had thought I did. I was wrong on both.  You were actually peeling the masks away, just as I did, and not realizing this. A healthy way to move a r/s forward, to you and I, death to BPD.

This is where I was at fault.

No, this is where you were trying to hold her responsible, and its right to do this.  When someone shows you who they are.  believe them.

And for what! Because of that fight.

Thoughts?

Her abandonment fears took control, and she did what she learned to do, waaaaaay before you. She most likely found a new supply, reinvented herself, and vowed to get it right this time. Painted you black, and the hamster wheel of pain continues for her, and hopefully not for you.  wash, rinse, repeat .  PEACE

[waitaminute]

The lies and stories that they create are amazing. Put aside for a minute the question of why they tell them in the first place. Once the story appears, it needs enough embellishment to 1) distract from the event that made the story necessary in the first place, and 2) add detail for realistic effect. But fiction has its weakness in its lack of depth and integrity. That is, it can't withstand scrutiny. And it requires memory of the random events that surround the story. When they are emotional, their memory is impaired and the story will fall apart if they have to explain it. So don't expect consistency or willingness to discuss the story. They couldn't stand being found out to be a liar. The story was justified in their mind when they originally told it. It was "necessary" to achieve some emotional goal. Instead, they will deflect scrutiny of their story by changing the subject to you... .  Your jealousy, your controlling personality, your mental health, etc. Further discussion risks their entire unraveling and could be the reason for a complete breakup. It doesn't make sense to you because you only got to see or hear the external show that she put on just for you. The reality in her head is more convoluted.

I once read an interesting post on the facebook page of my exBPDgf. She was writing about honesty. She said so matter-of-factly, "I see no value in honesty for honesty's sake". In a weird way, she was being very honest with that post.

[Newton]

Diana I know your pain... .  I have been through that ruminating of the why, where, what if etc etc etc... .  

It consumes our emotional and physical energy. Members here will challenge you as well as validate you (both acts are just as caring and supportive although I appreciate it may not feel like it at the time).

It's a long process to accept just how mentally unstable our partners were... .  it's an even longer one to acknowledge our contribution to the dysfunction of attempting a relationship with them.  These are big ideas to take on board and work through.

FindingMe2011 has taken time to write two very insightful posts for you.  It seems like you are stuck at the moment... .  reading these posts a few times and mulling over the words will really help with your confusion... .  

[Diana82]

Thanks all...

I do tend to agree Waitaminute. It feels like she was getting too defensive again and it always makes me suspicious. I do think that I should have just stuck to her being defensive and inconsistent and snappy rather than bring in the stupid example of the gay sex thing.

It didn't give my case any credibility because we had argued about her talking too much about men before. So I was rehashing an old argument to try to fuel my point about her bring inconsistent. It was weird though because she kept focusing on me implying she was "deceptive" and I didn't use this word.

What truly bothers me though is wondering if she ever actually loved me.

I know that feelings can change but how can you fall out of love after an argument like that? People get cheated on but don't instantly fall out of love with the person who cheated on them...

My ex told me literally 2 days prior to breaking up that her "love is deep". She also kept talking of our future "dog" we would have. We were snuggling in bed a day earlier and she was clinging to me.

Then after this fight she tells me "I don't have feelings! I have no more to give and I'm not in love with you".

She switched in 24 hours?

Is that even possible? That she felt that hurt that she detached immediately?

[Diana82]

The way she has treated me since dumping me does clearly show a complete lack of love and care.

After she asked me to " leave her alone" I did for a couple of days. Then I tried calling her. She didn't pick up. I left a voice message saying I was sorry (which was silly on reflection) but I was more apologising for bombarding her with texts during the fight.

I also said I love her and would like to chat when she is ready.

Next day I hear nothing so I ring her once again at night and she doesn't pick up.

I get very stressed so I ended up writing a heartfelt letter to her and put it in her mailbox. God knows why I did this now! I texted her telling her I put it in there and reiterated I loved her and that we can work this out. Nothing.

4 days pass and I try ringing her again... Zilch.

Two days later I call again and send an email.

It does sound like a lot of contact I know but we were together for 3 years and I wasn't going to just give up trying.

Suddenly after 2 weeks of silence she messages me saying " I thought I made my wishes clear. I do not wish to have any contact with you on this. I wish you peace and every happiness xx"

Ouch.

I replied saying I feel like I need more explanation and asked if she was unhappy in other ways etc.  She didn't respond.

I then got so upset I sent her a last text saying "I challenge you to find a relationship free of arguments. One day you will realise you so easily tossed someone who cares about you"

Next thing I know she changes her number and blocks me on Facebook.

I was so insulted. 3 weeks go by and I email her asking for my things to be returned that I left at my place... she ignores me. I send a second email a week later asking again and two days later she dumps three books of mine on the sidewalk in the night. No note or anything. But she didn't return all my stuff so I had to email her again to ask for the other stuff. She doesn't reply and months go by. I even asked what she wants me to do with her stuff she left at my place. She couldn't even respond with a one liner. I guess she wouldn't after changing her number!

But how extreme is that? Total silence. It's as if I dumped her or cheated on her

[waitaminute]

Diana,

BPD aside, there are rules in a romantic rs. I discovered them accidentally because I don't play games. My exBPDgf was always saying goodbye. I was always accepting of her departure. I said "goodbye, I will miss you". ALWAYS... she would come back. Don't chase. I hate to put it in terms of a game, but there seem to be such rules in a rs.

[FindingMe2011]

Diana,

BPD aside, there are rules in a romantic rs. I discovered them accidentally because I don't play games. My exBPDgf was always saying goodbye. I was always accepting of her departure. I said "goodbye, I will miss you". ALWAYS... she would come back. Don't chase. I hate to put it in terms of a game, but there seem to be such rules in a rs.

When any type of r/s is a game, its going to be dysfunctional. Game playing is a staple of BPD, and one you will never win, I tried.

[Diana82]

So you think I chased her too much trying to seek explanation/ reconcile?

I do feel it was a lot on reflection ie calls, emails, the letter...

But I wouldn't have done so if I didn't care enough. I think if I had just left her alone I would have regretted later not trying to reach out to her.

Do you think changing your number is a bit extreme though?

I forgot to mention here that she had ignored me for 2 months about returning the rest of my stuff. So I asked the police what I should do. They said its not a crime if you send her a note saying you will be at her house to collect your things at such and such time. Especially if you have asked politely a few times and they have ignored you.

So I did. I went to her house and buzzed her apartment. No answer. So I emailed her flat mate (also her best friend) asking if I could come back another time or if he could help swap our stuff. He called me and tells me my ex "doesn't have my stuff"

Then he says "you have not stopped contacting her for months! It's bizarre! It's unacceptable! She doesn't want you in her life! She wants you out. You need to move on"

And I said "hang on... I have been contacting her for months to retrieve my belongings. But she has ignored me... "

And he wouldn't listen and kept saying "you'll never get closure from her! Move on. Do not contact me and do NOT contact her or her family!"

And hung up.

I was shaking. She must have told him I was harassing her for no reason. Just like every other woman she had been with was also a stalker or harasser. Apparently. It's like she deliberately ignores you... cuts you off and normal people seek explanation etc and then they're branded stalkers.

[Diana82]

So can a BPD truly fall out of love in 24 hours after a fight? My ex had said couple days earlier her love is deep and then she loves me a lot etc and we spoke of our future. 

Then after we argue and she tells me I "burnt her"- she also adds in that she no longer has feelings and isn't in love with me. Huh!

Is this a way for her to hurt me back for " hurting her"? Or is it likely her love was so shallow that she could just switch?

I know feelings can change over time but I have never known real love to be able to change after a fight

[charred]

My exBPDgf just texted me to tell me she exchanged house keys with her new BF and that she would not be answering any texts or emails from me (I haven't contacted her in 5-6 months). Said she had to be with the guy that put her first... .  

Wondering how long it will be before she is painting him black. Still kind of painful.

Her version will be that she broke up with me. Its all so dysfunctional.

[Seb]

Their love is based on need, not true, adult, reciprocal love. She needed you to fill a void in her, and you needed her to idealise you. Mine idealised me too, and I readily accepted it. I did so, because I was emotionally immature. I didn't know it at the time, but this r/s has taught me that I was. I'm working on becoming more emotionally healthy. I had no boundaries! I allowed my exgf to triangulate with numerous exgf's, and I didn't want to come across as the nagging girlfriend, so I let it go. Big mistake. How can I expect anyone else to respect me when I didn't respect myself enough?

I understand your pain and confusion - my exgf was looking at places for us to live on the Internet one day, she picked a silly fight with me the next day, dumped me the day after (full of mixed messages - she loved me so much, wants to be with me, but I drive her crazy and we can't be together), she went NC straight away and smeared me to anyone who would listen. That was 7 months ago!

I was in agony. I couldn't have left her like that. So... .  did she love me? Well clearly not like she said she did. The wonderful things she told me during our r/s was based in fantasy. She would tell me she wanted to marry me, she would never leave me, she was happy she'd met the one for her, the love of her life, she wanted to shout her love for me from the rooftops... .  but did she? Did her actions match her words? Nope. Of course not. She dumped me and walked away so easily. It was an extra blow to accept that she didn't love me the way she said she did. The bad news is there's no way around that part - we have to accept it. Our exes 'loved' us when they needed us to mirror our good. The moment their disorder is triggered they begin to withdraw. This retreat is reflexive for them. It's not personal. The pattern will repeat itself forever without serious core trauma therapy.

I've been focusing on me, and imagining what I want from my life, and a future partner. I know I want the real thing, and there are healthy people out there. I don't want a fantasy. I don't want to be with someone who could hurt me so easily, and run away at the drop of a hat. It's supposed to be better than this, Diana. Your ex cannot give you the life you want. As BPDspell said earlier, she is showing you who she is through her behaviour - not very nice is it.

[charred]

I think my exBPDgf cared about me as much as she does anyone... .  as she has come back time and time again, and when I broke up with her she went to pieces, lost 60 lbs... and I would say she got serious about finding a guy... except I am pretty positive she had one ready before we broke up.

Never dealt with someone quite like her, and hope I never do again. Only way I can see to win with her is to be gone from her.

[Diana82]

I definitely know my ex was a drama queen. So I think changing her number and saying that I " burnt her " fits into her drama. It can then help give credit to her story to other people about how horrible I was.

I have cut and pasted a text conversation we had once below. I had struggled for 5 months to find work in my field (copywriting). It seemed impossible in my hometown and I knew job prospects were better in London and Sydney. I was keen to do a short stint in London as i love the city. I had tried to gauge whether my ex was keen on London but she never showed any interest.

She had 0 interest in ever moving anywhere else even briefly. She also had told me she needed to live near her family for her "sanity".

She seemed to suffer from extreme separation anxiety.

But she had later said she may come for 1 month max during her phD holiday but then said she felt "very anxious" whenever we spoke of moving there. So London was out and I kept struggling in Melbourne. I had to even move back home with my parents because I couldnt pay rent or other bills.  Then I thought Sydney may be an option for us. I knew it was 1hr only flight from Melbourne and my ex had friends there at least and may not feel so isolated. But no.

She cried over the idea and told me she feels guilty about leaving her family. This is a 28 year old woman who has cousins who have been on gap years abroad!  And it was as if I was asking her to come to an asylum or something terrible.

She seemed to never really trust that I wouldn't leave her.  Yet when I did stay ( even though unemployed) she told me I then made her feel like a liability. I couldn't win.

[Diana82]

So here is that text conversation. I was the one struggling unemployed and being devoted to my ex and I get this type of horrible response:

ME: Hi! Ive finished up at the recruiter now. Was a good chat but she said the roles are mainly marketing admin and she doesn't get any Copywriting jobs in Melbourne. She also said Melbourne is a flat market for copy jobs. Whereas she has 3 junior Copywriting roles in Sydney. It's frustrating how there are no jobs like that here. Anyway hope you're having a fun day with your friend!

HER: I was having a really day, having lunch and a movie, and a well deserved day off. And then I got your texts about how frustrating Melbourne is and how all the great roles are in Sydney, and my day was pretty much shot to ~. Thank you so much for that.

ME: Huh? I was just relaying what the Recruiter said which is true...

HER:  my heart is pounding. I just burst into tears. You know I don't like to receive texts like this about things that impact our relationship! You just don't get it!

ME: Um... so now you're having a breakdown? I was telling you what the recruiter told me and it's true- there are limited jobs here in my field and more in Sydney. I was venting my frustrations to you. I have been unemployed for 5 months and I think I'm allowed to be frustrated! You vent all the time. I always listen to you

HER: I vent but not about stuff that impacts us. You don't understand at all how this makes me feel 

ME: But I'm not going to leave you and go off to Sydney!  It's just a fact that Melbourne isn't great for jobs for me

HER: Yes you won't leave me. You'll stay here and make me feel like a liability.


I was pretty upset as she continued to tell me I made her feel like a liability but I feel like she was already insecure and feared abandonment and had to project it on to me.

I would never have left her. Do you interpret her messages as being too insecure?

She also seemed to really hate me texting her stuff and had a sensitivity to it because her ex dumped her over text ( I assume that's why she's sensitive about texts).

Yet she would happily send me long texts and vent over email

[waitaminute]

diana,

Wow... .  Brought back memories of similar dysfunctional texts and emails. You tried to communicate. You could have written Sophocles or the daily news and her response would have been the same. My advice... .  Stop trying to understand as though it is supposed to make sense. Mentally ill means mentally ill.

[Diana82]

So you agree her text responses were really dramatic ie saying her heart is pounding etc?

She would often have panic attacks or start sobbing and saying her "heart was pounding" after we argued.

Do you think it's definitely a sign she had abandonment fears? And started to misinterpret my words and twist them?  I think it also shows lack of trust and little self worth if she thought I would leave her for overseas- even though I had plenty of opportunity to do so.

I was struggling so bad and sacrificing a lot to stay here with her so she could also finish her phD. Yet all she could see was that I was making her feel like a liability- rather than see my devotion

[Diana82]

I think she may also have HPD in there or is being a drama queen part of BPD?

I know for sure my ex had chronic depression and felt lonely, empty and was hypersensitive.- that I know for sure.

[Diana82]

This was the exact break up talk from her. I had gone to her house thinking we would talk it over as she had told me hours earlier she "loved me a lot" and was conflicted. 

HER: (she looked cold and emotionless. She had removed all jewellery i had given her). Things have been ~ the last day haven't they?

ME: well yes... I wanted to say I'm sorry at how emotional I got and that I will learn to control my emotions when upset. But... .  

HER: We are not working. Sometimes two ppl dont work anymore. I'm not in love with you. I don't have the feeling!

ME (disbelief) huh? You only told me 2 hours ago you love me a lot! We were snuggling in bed the other day and you were clinging to me talking about our future!

HER: (she gets up all angry)  I have no more to give! I have given 110% to this relationship!

ME: (crying) so have I?

HER: I think we are both great people. People look at you when you walk into a room... .  but you have a mean streak 

ME: sobbing... I don't think I have a mean streak...

HER:  You BURNT me! You are in the top 5 list of ppl who have hurt me. I was holding my nephew in my hand when you texted me back rudely! I am always scared of what you'll text me so I have to hide my phone in my handbag everyday! It's a form of harassment!

ME: huh! You were sending me essay long texts too! We were both in that fight not just me!

HER: it's text terrorism- its harassment!

ME: I don't ever send you nasty texts why are u saying you have to hide your phone in your bag? 

HER: ignores me and says again- You burnt me

ME: what can I do to make you forgive me and we can work through this?

HER: it's not about forgiveness.

ME: but you wanted to move in with me this year! We talked about it...

HER: I have wanted to live with you for ages. You have wanted to go overseas...

ME: I don't want to beg here... But I really don't understand. We had a fight!

HER: (calmer) don't beg- you're better than that. Why do you want to be with me now? How will you ever trust me again?

ME: huh? But I have apparently burnt you and YOU'RE upset...

HER: I'll always be here for you...

ME: huh! I want to talk about this 

HER: the one thing you can do is leave me alone. 

( even though she just said she'll always be here for me!)

HER: (she looked like she had gone crazy) I want to be with my family. I want to work on my phD. Just leave me alone. And don't text me!"

ME: I can't believe this 

And I left crying. See how she accused me of harassing her after I was actually telling her off and she was equally participating in the text fight. She takes things to such extremes.

[waitaminute]

She was projecting her own fears and insecurity.You also remind me that such conversations made it impossible for me to be me. I  have a fun sense when I talk with friends. I can be serious and playful all at once. I am always sincere but throw in some playful hyperbole, dialect, or nonsense just to make a point. With her, every word was usually a potential insult or reason to be angry or distressed. Granted, in my case there was a language problem but her English was pretty good and in her own language she had the ability to use words playfully too. So the disconnects were because of the rs. For instance, she told me about meeting a friend of a friend through a chance encounter. I said simply "small world". She became angry and said bye. I was like... .  What the heck ? I figured out on my own that she thought I was saying that her world was small, insignificant, and not important. So I sent her a Wikipedia article about how people are connected to everyone just through friends of friends of... .  of friends. I also sent her a youtube of children singing "its a small world". Then she understood that I was referring to this phenomena and not her personal life. So she apologized... .  Kinda. But what kind of mind would have jumped to the conclusion that i was criticizing her life with those words? After all, I never criticized her nor her country. Never. I will tell you. It is a mind that projects. She had her own anger about her life's failures and even a bit of inferiority complex of her own country. There is a love hate between the US and her country. But she idealized the US as being significant and successful. And though she loves many aspects of her country, she sees it as a nation of small thinkers. So my words were a trigger for these feelings.

[Diana82]

Is it common for bPDs to claim " harassment" and lie about having stalkers, being raped etc to solicit sympathy from others?

I found out my ex had lied about this one woman she claimed was obsessed with her and wouldn't take "no" for an answer- and hence had to be cut off and "removed".

My ex was always so fearful of running into this woman she claimed was obsessed with her. But now I have found out ( my friend knows this woman) that my ex and her were actually friends and my ex decided to end the friendship abruptly.

SO my ex fabricated a whole story about being stalked and harassed to justify why she cut off this woman.

Now I fit into that club of "harassers".

My ex most likely told her flat mate I was harassing her for no reason ( yet my ex was deliberately ignoring my requests to return my stuff and going silent on me). Almost like I was set up to make me look like I was harassing her!

[waitaminute]

I will give you just this one story.

She stopped going to the nearest grocery store. I asked why. She said she was sexually harrassed there. I pressed for details and she said a clerk bumped into her. I said "could it have been an accident?" I was expecting her to say that he rubbed some body part against her . But she said "i could see the images in his mind."

Ok... .  She had some gifts. But even if the guy had thoughts... .  That's hardly sexual harrassment.

There are other stories like this too.

[Diana82]

So what is that about?

Do they actually constantly feel threatened so they misinterpret other people's actions as being harassment or abusive?

Or do they fabricate it to solicit sympathy and play the victim?

My sister told me she picked up early on that my exgf looked uncomfortable in public places ie busy bars. She apparently always looked like she was on the look out for danger. I started to see it later...

My ex claimed to have been bullied all through childhood and her teachers and parents did "nothing" and told her she was too sensitive and to be assertive and  toughen up.

During our relationship she suffered from ongoing depression which she said was due to being bullied and humiliated as a kid. She told me she resented her parents to this day for not doing enough. So she had to see a Therapist... it got so bad she told me she couldn't get up in the morning. So she was a 28 year old woman who hadn't dealt with her childhood trauma it seemed.

I supported her of course.

Now I'm wondering if her making all these other harassment claims and having stalkers were her way of trying to get acknowledgment and sympathy that she never got as a kid?

Or if perhaps even as a kid she was as sensitive as she was as an adult and misinterpreted teasing words of children as bullying... .  

She had told me she was troubled as a kid and didn't eat for a while and suffered separation anxiety. I often found it weird that her loving close parents had apparently " done nothing" about their only daughter being bullied. And that nobody else seemed to know she was bullied throughout childhood but me? Not even her close brother or her best friend