This is what I found in my email this morning from my dBPDbf.

[kl315]

So this is what I find in my email this morning from my dBPDbf. Hope you can open the link, but if not, it a cover of a Bob Dylan song called "It Ain't Me Babe"... .  on Sound Hound and probably YouTube.

www.soundhound.com/?t=14dafb173c3245ae4e5d28dc6195c8f9&from=email_share&utm_source=email_share&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=track_ticket_share

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[laelle]

Its actually a very sweet song about a person who feels that they cant give someone that they care about very deeply what they need.  Its not a go away song, its more of a "you deserve better than me song"  Do you think he is feeling the feelings that you have had of late?

[Cardinals in Flight]

That's what I was thinking too.  Maybe it's his way of letting you know that he gets where you are right now? That you need more, more that he is unable to give?  It's an acknowledgement nonetheless.  Progress!

CiF

[almost789]

I think this is his way of expressing his feelings without talking. Ive had some things show in my inbox and thats how i took it. I think he feels overwhelmed based on the lyrics.

[kl315]

Well, I tried to look at it that way and sent him a text saying it was a beautiful song and asking what particular meaning it had for him.This was his reply:

"You're a roller coaster. I need a supportive person to be consistently stable and supportive, not hot and cold. I need warm. You're driving me crazy. I am understanding of your situation and can be supportive but when you're extremely crabby and say things like you did [What? That I started losing my hair?], I can't handle that. I've been in plenty of bad relationships and don't deserve another."

So that makes me think the song was about ME, and not HIM.

1. As you can probably guess, my "roller coaster" is only in operation during the five days of each treatment session and on days when, oh, I don't know, I START LOSING MY HAIR. The rest of the time, and before I started treatment, my mood was pretty consistent with him... .  it would have to be to last more than 5 minutes with a pwBPD.

2. How is silent treatment the minute I bring up anything about my illness understanding and supportive?

3. Is cancer supposed to make me giddy? And I can't mention losing my hair? We're supposed to see each other soon... .  I figured it was relevant and more appropriate than showing up bald, with no explanation.

4. I KNOW he's been in bad relationships. I've known him long enough to know the wife that cheated on him with his best friend and then aborted my bf's baby without telling him (until after she did it). I know about the girlfriend who was all in love and into him until she moved in... .  and then she completely refused to sleep with him any more. The thing is, he has told me that I'm the best person he's ever been involved with, in ANY type of relationship. I know that he's close to the mark on that one. I AM ridiculously good and loving to him. I really believe that the fact that I have cancer makes this a "bad relationship" in his mind.

Anyway, I know what everyone is going to say... .  it's the disease and I have to accept it if I want to be with him. What's funny is that I was struggling over the past few days with whether or not I COULD accept it. Silent treatment after I told him about my hair was the impetus for this struggle. However, I was up most of the night last night making an actual pros and cons list in regards to him. There were more pros and I had decided to stick it out, use the tools, and continue to love and support him so long as he stayed in treatment. Now this. He has indicated that I'm too "unstable" and that he wants to break up. But he's still talking to me without hesitation and from what I know of BPD, that probably indicates that he's not actually "done".

So what in the heck do I do now? He's at work and said that was the reason he can't reply/talk much at the moment. Do I email something for him to read later? Leave him alone? Run far, far away? I thought I had this down but clearly, I do not. Thoughts... .  advice... .  ?

[elemental]

You don't do anything.

You go about your business and take care of yourself and you ignore this provocation. Because if you put energy into it you will validate his BS and he will argue with you and expand it and pry cracks into things.

He is putting you on the defensive and you are about to JADE in order to reason with his illness. He is telling you it's not ok for you to lean on him.

If you want to say anything, tell him one word "okay."

Then you ignore him until he has something to say to you that indicates a willingness to discuss instead of corner you into trying to "proove" he needs to be there for you.

Kl, you don't need this right now. FFS, you have CANCER.

He is having a moment that he needs to deal with on his own and soothe his own self. Let him be, let him work through it on his own, or otherwise he is going to suck you into his disease and mess up your day even more.

Hang in there. Take care of YOU and let this immature BPD calm his own self down.

[Awakecj]

Maybe I'm not the right person to respond as I have left my hwBPD but I have to tell you I really relate to your experience. The song thing, My H has often given me music that caused me to go through the same thought process as you and the others on this posting. Are the songs a way of communicating deep feelings the BPD cannot express verbally, are they about him, me, or us? It makes total sense that you are confused as living with a person with BPD is nothing but confusing or at least that was my experience. Whenever I had a What the heck? moment, my support people would always ask, "are you surprised" and if so, "why"? For some reason, irrational behavior was ALWAYS a surprise to me so the challenge was to let go of the assumption that the surprises will go away because they never did.

Maybe check out some of the workshops on this website based on staying in a relationship. As a way of educating myself on BPD (so I can stop taking all the responsibility for the failed relationship) I've been reading, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, book and the SET technique for communicating with a SO wBPD which is also on this website. Hopefully they can be helpful.  

[Seahorse1]

My lord... .  I cannot believe his response!

If you don't mind me asking how old is this man... .  

I think we give people with BPD way too much leeway for their behavior.

Fortunately when it came to emotional stuff mine was very empathetic but extremely immature and abusive in other ways... .  

I felt your pain as it was my own to that response... .  

I mentioned to you on your previous thread you must start to emotionally detach from this person if only for your physical health... .  

You need only support right now... .  I am not saying this because I feel sorry for you but because you need to be built up, held up, and given all the strength you can to fight and beat your illness

[Cardinals in Flight]

Wow Kl, this is so hard for you, and I am sorry you have to go through this as well as your very real, difficult disease/chemo process!

As others have said, it's his disease, BPD, it rewires their thinking.  After my own very real cancer scare this past year, my pwBPD was scared to death and very reactionary although positive towards me at first, became withdrawn and in "push away mode", completely shut me out, ran away to process the real fact of possibly loosing me, my T says this is a coping mechanism and that I should "depersonalize it". 

Well? it's hard to do that when you are the one hurting and sick, isn't it Kl?

If I were you? I'd let it go, at least for now.  Write it out, journal all your wth? thoughts, that helps me get through these times that eventually pass.

Big hugs today

CiF

[laelle]

If I were you, let him be and go do something for you.  Spending too much time on your relationship with him will drive you bonkers.  He is reacting based on feeling=truth atm and in a hour, day, week... .  he probably wont feel the same about it.  Let it slide and concentrate on you.  :)o you like to cook?  I love making biscuits and such because I live in france and you cant buy real southern biscuits here.

I try to use mindfulness when I start getting overwhelmed.  Think about your worries... .  accept them,

Give them space, respect them, tell yourself its ok to have those feelings.  Pay attention to your heartbeat and stiff muscles... ask yourself why your heart is beating fast and why your muscles are tense... .  accept the reason and be kind to yourself... .  then let them all roll off your back.  Now think about only the here and now and dont think about "anything but a focus point"  sometimes I even use the end of my nose.  When you find yourself slipping, kindly tell yourself to put your focus back on your focal point.  

It will take alot of soul searching for you to decide if this relationship is worth all pain, and thats ok.  There is no one here to judge you.  He has feelings just like you do and even if they are not always understandable to you, they are real to him.  I am BPD as well as my boyfriend and rarely when I am triggered do I actually rant about the thing that I am upset about and its always over inflated.  He may just be scared and it comes out something totally different.  Give him his space to work out his own fears and pain, and use this time to take care of you.

[almost789]

Apparently your need for support from him during this difficult time has triggered him and now he seems to want to distance and blame it on you! Projection. He cant handle the fact that hes emotionally abandoning his gf  who has cancer so instead he blames you. The scary thing is... .  this is how he feels and so in his mind it is true. He honestly believes it is you.

If hes successful, he wants you to believe it to. You of course do not believe the lie! Your needs are important and yo've done nothing wrong. Accept that you need to stop relying on him to meet your needs. He cant. And never will right now. You should distance from him. He is triggered and nothing u do can help except distance from him. You don't need this type of emotional turmoil right now.

[kl315]

Thank God for you people.

Elemental - while reading your response, I had a vision of one of those movie scenes, where there are two people in a crisis situation. One person is calm and rational and the other is running around in circles yelling "The sky is falling!". The calm one gives the hysterical one a good smack and says, "Get a hold of yourself woman!" Thank you for the much needed smackdown back to reality. .

Awakecj - I too am continually surprised when he "acts up" the way he sometimes does and it's annoying to me that it still catches me of guard. Maybe it's because he's pretty good, most of the time. Or maybe it's because I'm delusional... .  don't know.

Seahorse - He's 38. There are times he can be more supportive than anyone I've ever known, recognizes his fear and talks about it and apologizes for any nonsense. Then there are times when he behaves like a selfish ass and actually succeeds in making me feel guilty for being sick. That's what throws me off the most... .  the degree of difference in his reaction to this. He's also bi-polar (on meds) so I'm sure that doesn't help.

Cardinals - it IS difficult to depersonalize something so personal. I'm seeing a therapist myself because honestly, while I hope for love and support from the people closest to me, they aren't professionals and I can't expect them to help me work through all of my stress. It would be helpful if I could look at his reactions as just a different degree of this.

Laelle - first, I wish I could move to France (or Austria, or Italy, or Switzerland or Antarctica) and just, start over. Not really (I have a teenaged daughter)... .  but kind of. I know from experience that by next week, he will be telling me how wonderful I am and how he doesn't deserve me and calling/texting/emailing multiple times a day. He's right. HE's the one that's "hot and cold" and he really needs someone who can just be "warm" most of the time - he's said in the past that I balance him and I think that was what he was refering to. Normally, I'm good with that. If we make it through the next few months, he'll have that again. If not, well, it is what it is.

Almost - I do need to just let it be what it is for now and not react or focus on it. Reading posts by others and responses to my posts goes a very long way towards helping me do that. Thank you... .  


I'll be all right. I just need to have the occasional hissy fit to help me through the tougher times. This board is invaluable for that.

KL

[shatra]

Hi

It's great that you have all of us to vent to! I'm so sorry to hear about your illness, and hope you will feel better soon. It must be infuriating to get the silent treatment when you told him about your hair----he may have been overwhelmed himself.

  Journaling and focusing on accepting his bizarre reactions might help.

Happy New Year

Shatra

[Awakecj]

Kl315,

The reason I want to learn so much about BPD even though my hwBPD and I are on track to divorce is because I have taken his emotional abuse, cheating, etc. so personally. My hope is one day I won't feel so bad about myself because H had me pretty convinced everything was my fault. Educate, educate, educate, that's about the best advice I got on this board, of course and sharing .

I wish you well and hope you get to the point where you don't take the "acting up" personally.

Take care!

[almost789]

Im really sorry you have to deal with this childish and  completely selfish response from him at this time. Im reading his response and it is soo selfish. His needs? And your going through chemo? Wow. It reminds me just how ugly and selfish they can be, and when u add in the cancer it is extremely cruel and inconsiderate response! You have every right to be terribly upset and hurt by this response. It also reminds me the mentality of my pwBPD. Its as if they throw us under the bus rather than give something back or aknowledge their wrong. Try to remember that emotionally hes like a toddler having a tantrum. He doesnt understand.

You clearly care for him and believe it or not he cares for you or he wouldnt be affected by you sickness in the way he is now. Their healthy adult mode goes right out the window when stressed. Your are getting angry child mode right now from him. Unfortunately youll have to realize that your only going to trigger each other now and you cant have this at this time. Let him work on his issues and dbt with the therapist and u search for alternate emotional support to help u get through this. God bless and take care of you, it will be ok. Think positive.

[gina louise]

kl315 ,

I had cancer this year too and while my situation is not as intense as yours, my UBPDH decided that he couldn't handle my "moodiness" after my treatment and he informed me via text from work that he was going to overhaul his whole life-including his marriage!

He couldn't comprehend that I was sad, contemplating potential major surgery, worried... .  stressed.

Why was I not working, giving money to HIM HIM HIM-and making our life ALL about HIM HIM HIM?

So he got mad, raged for weeks at me off and on then finally tossed the baby and the bathwater-OUT the window.

Filed for divorce, listed and sold the house and found a tiny place to live that's in a rich part of town that he aspires to.

made my head swim just hearing what he's done.

We were very LC for 6 weeks and I saw him recently. he's a complete mess. a sad, depressed, broken down mess. I believe he's either rapid cycling bipolar or BPD... .  but he will not seek treatment-supposedly I am the crazy one.   

I have had my heartaches, But I am doing OK. I actually FEEL much better.

Listen, losing your hair and chemo and life and mortality and cancer FER gods sakes is a BIG DEAL.

You are within your rights to expect support, consideration-some human decency.

No man or woman is an island.

They want us to be their sheltering bay, but you have needs too.

We need the hand we reach out towards our SO's to be taken, clasped... .  held onto.

that's the most painful part of being with a pwBPD. the Alone part. Even with them right there.


I pray for strength for you. Hair grows back.

Until it does buy scarves, wraps, beanies... .  Rock that short do! 

GL

[kl315]

Oh my goodness Gina Louise, I would venture to say that your situation was much more intense than mine. We aren't married, don't live together and he is fully self supportive. He's briefly raged once and what I noticed was that what caused his rage then was exactly what's going on now... .  but this time he didn't rage (and last time he apologized profusely after).

I'm so sorry for what you went through but I'm glad you're doing better and hoping you are cancer free!