Hello again, a new breakthrough for me. After crying just about a week ago right before christmas :'( and being depressed all Christmas, something happened. The next day i actually felt... . ok. I wasn't depressed, i wasn't exhausted, i wasn't constantly thinking of my BPDexgf anymore. It's like, my mind and body and heart all conjoined and agreed ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I don't know how? I don't know why? But after 4-5 months post exBPDgf, i may finally be free.
Now I have mistakenly claimed i am healthy and free earlier by accident only to fall back into the abyss. But this time it's different. I felt the actual shift and my mind is clear, my life is just back to "normal" and normal is ok. NC has only been a little over a month since i last blew up on her via text after i found out i was right about her cheating(again) and having the replacement in the wings this time. Before that it was little to no contact as well. Anyway, my last memory of her will be her threatening to call the cops on my for harassment... . and then deleting her FB because of what i found out. (BUT HOW WILL SHE GET HER NPD FILL?) Don't know... . Don't care.
The first time it ended, i was over her after about 2 months i think because of the person she became and the way she treated me, i wasn't far enough down the rabbit hole yet to be hurt so badly. But she recycled me and it go so much worse. Anyway, after being extremely depressed possibly PTSD for 4 months... . I think i see the light at the end of the tunnel... .
My mind is clear, i rarely think of her now, i'm back to myself. I am remembering who I am, who i was, and who I'll always be. I'm focusing on myself and that is okay to do, getting back into working out, changing my eating habits and just trying to become the best i can be. She did help me in a way... . she picked out some flaws that i need to pay a little more attention to and in time will fix them as well. She will be sorry she lost me. Guarantee it.
I went out for New Years Eve... . something i had never done even with her because she always worked(waitressed on the side it paid good that night) so i'd be home babysitting and just go to bed before the ball even dropped the last two years, before that i didnt ever drink so i didnt do anything. Anyhow, I went out with my two friends that i do everything with, or used to do everything with, and we met some people, immediately when i showed up i couldnt help but notice... . GIRLS WERE STARING AT ME? ...
Immediately i walked up to my friends and sat down at their table and this beautiful girl who had a boyfriend sitting right there strikes up a convo with only me and ignores everyone else, constantly staying fixed on me and trying to grab my attention... . she even went as so far to say: "you know, you remind me of my attractive cousin"... . uhm... . thanks? I'm assuming that was code for hey you're pretty attractive but my boyfriends right here?... . She assured me it was a good thing.
As the night went on they left and it was the three amigos again, but as i sat there... . i couldnt help notice... . girls were staring at me! Another girl had been staring at me, and how do i know? I tested her by staring back, then she'd look and i'd get out my phone, and as soon as i did she got hers out and looked at hers. Haha, the fun eyes games. Although it looked like she had a boyfriend as well. My waitress was very attractive, and she kept flirting with me as well! I may be sounded big headed here and full of myself but i assure you i'm not a very confident guy. She even wrapped her arms around me and gave me a huge hug before i left? A hug that almost triggered me as it reminded me of the hugs my exBPD used to give me. All the meanwhile i have had probably 5 girls texting me regularly since the break up... . Two for sure want to date me and one for sure wanted to "get tipsy and loosen up together"... . not my style.
Where am i going with all of this? Although I'm nowhere near ready to jump in another relationship, I'm quite enjoying starting over on myself and anxiously awaiting to one day feel good about myself again, and I need to focus on myself for a while before i devote myself to anyone again. The point is, I feel a little bit more alive again, I feel like the guy my EXBPDGF always wanted me to be, the guy she met at first. Maybe if she would've been a little more patient and let me adjust to my own pace she could have enjoyed me in this state again. But, my point is... . Hey, I'm a pretty freaking good looking guy? And i know my is one of the biggest and most caring around and I'm one hell of a catch.
These are things my EXBPDGF would never tell me, only she would make fun of me and point out my flaws and treat me like a bad person. I am not... . She was wrong, I know who I am, and although i'm not confident yet, I'm starting to notice i do capture an audience when I'm ready to put myself out there again.
This is for everyone else hurting, give it time, let it hurt... . Your body,mind,and spirit WILL come together and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. And you will feel the shift again and notice there are people out there interested in YOU, you just gotta get out there.
My EXBPDGF was my fiance,my best friend, and her daughter was my world... . I lost my world, my best friend, my fiance, my girlfriend, my college sweetheart, my daughter... . I lost "THE ONE"... .
I never thought i'd be ok... . But I am going to be OK... . you know why?... . Because I have to be... . and I want to be.
She's not coming back, and I've replayed it in my head enough times that even if she did she has a snowball's chance in hell in fixing everything she broke.
I miss her, and I Love her... . Always and Forever... . but she's never coming back because she never really existed, i made her up.
My new years resolution also had a part to play in it, No more ruminating or stalking... . I made it a point to wish her mom a happy new years lastnight and to tell her daughter the same for me and she wished me one back... . and i'm thinking that's were it will end, because her mom knows i was in the right place with my heart and that i'll never forget my BPDex or her daughter.
It's time to find my happiness... . it's my time... . i've wasted so much time on living for others, it's time to be a little selfish. I'm hoping this is not false confidence and i don't fall right back into the abyss but i've made a plan and the plan is what makes me feel good. I hit rock bottom and I'm climbing out of the pit of despair.
Create a plan, Implement this plan, Move on with the plan.
She's missing out on me, and it's one of the best times and people she would've ever had.
Know that they don't leave you because they found someone better or didnt love you, know they left because they knew you deserved better.
I'll keep looking back at the boards as i'm sure i'll need some reminders/info/motivation to keep going and i'll try to help others as much as i can. So many people have told me their own stories and struggles and it's all so similar but they all survived and i will too.
To end my blabbering, here's to a new year 2013, Make it a good one and cherish your time here... . We will all make it together, because I'm worth it, and so are you, They are the ones missing out.
Happy New Year Everybody.
