What do you do when...

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

What do you do when you're in public and he becomes dysregulated, yells, shouts and tells you you're a bad parent and insists on putting your children(7&4) in the middle. It was a freaking nightmare and very embarrassing! It got so bad that I had to ask him to get out of the car and walk home(we were a half mile from house, he has to travel a 6 lane 2 way hwy to get home). He refused and became more enraged, the girls started crying so I took them out of the car and was just going to walk them home(it's dark out btw). He changed mind and let me drive them home(he still wasn't allowed in the car). He made sure to shout several times that we are getting a divorce in front if the children. It really upset my 7 yr old.

It all started when we went to a fast food restaurant and I was ordering the food. My 7 yr old kept asking over and over and over again if she could have some of French fries. I am very strict about them interrupting me while I am doing a transaction of any kind. It's distracting to me(who has to order for 3, one of which is gluten free, casein free and egg free). My DH and I have talked about this and agreed that they should be patient and wait. The 4th time I had to ask her to stop( he just stood there never helping) I raised my voice. Granted after it came out of me I realized it was little louder than I had anticipated but it was affective... .  Until at the register in front of everyone he decides to correct me and tell me it was unnecessary. Embarrassing is what it was.

I tried to keep it calm but lost my appetite. We he realized I wasn't eating it angered him more and he threw his food away. He shouted and yelled at me with the intent to humiliate me. I eventually told him I would not drive home like that and if he did not stop he would walk home. He stopped long enough to get in the car. Before we left I was throwing the trash away and had planned on keeping my sandwich I didn't eat. He smacked it out of my hand into the trash.

How do you explain this behavior to your children and how do you manage this in public. We live in a small town and know a lot of people. I don't want my girls growing up under whispers and rumors about their parents fighting nor do I want to be seen that way.

What am I supposed to do when this happens?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

Hey complete... .  Hugs.  

Really difficult dynamics to deal with.

A quick comment on how the conflict affects children... .  Negatively.  So as it was told to me by CPS, it's better to split up the household than for them to continue to live in a high conflict environment.

It reset me, and allowed me to take a different approach and perspective to the relationship, and I ended up staying.  But having said that, if it hadn't of reset then we would have had to split simply to give our children an environment withless conflict.  I do recommend The High Conflict Couple, and even better if you both read and practice it.

Tough times, more hugs.  

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

Thank you for your response. The hardest part is when he finally comes to his senses and he is very remorseful. He is a wonderful man who is a great father and provider for our family. He loves to spend time with our girls and would do anything for them. It's so sad when moments like last night happened. It's so destructive. I have talked to him a lot today about BPD(not the first time, I started pushing the idea a few months ago). He's been seeing a therapist who has been doing CBT with him. I think last night was a wake up call.  He really upset our 7 yr old. She's ok today but it was a lot of talking last night to get her there.

He has an appt and I have asked him to talk to his therapist about last night. Both stories, his side and what we told him.

I feel all over the place today. I'm just trying to relax hoping that I can moved pass it tomorrow.

[Blazing Star]

Hi Complete,

I relate to this, it is so hard and horrid to see your children's father raging, and see their reactions, and then to have him remorseful the next day - sad and frustrating!

However it is great you are working on it, talking to him, and your 7yr old too! Wonderful that he is seeing a therapist who does CBT! It sounds very hopeful! My partner has been in DBT for a while, and now gives himself a time-out rather than loosing control in front of the children.

Keep talking to your daughter, and modeling as best you can, healthy ways of relating.

Are you seeing a therapist too?

Love Blazing Star

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

Thank you for understanding!

I had a bad experience with a therapist a few months ago. She insisted she understood BPD but I found myself defending him and explaining myself. She said things to me like " I don't know how you deal with him" and "I don't understand how you put up with that". The last thing she said before I cancelled all of my appts was "I don't know why you stay with him".

It definitely made me search hard for a therapist that I could trust. I'm still a bit leery of going. I found someone who I emailed a few times with alot of questions and she seems to be familiar with the kind of situation I am. I see her the first time in a few weeks. Fingers crossed I don't waste my time, energy and emotions again.

As for him and what happened. I think it was a wake up for him. He saw his therapist the next day and told him what happened. He(my DH) decided that when he feels deregulated he will leave until he can communicate nicely and respectfully. I had tried to tell my D7 about her dads deregulation in a way she understood. I reminded her of when she fights with her sister and does things to her, like kick or push or hit her, and how although she loves and cares for her sister when she is really angry it doesn't bother her that she upset her sister. I explained that when we grow and become adults we learn more productive ways to express our feelings. With her dad he is able to control and show this maturity most of the time but there are times where his brain hears and sees things differently. It's then that he makes bad choices and later that he realizes he shouldn't. Unfortunately by then it's too late and he has already hurt the people he loves. This does not in any way make it ok for him to act like that or treat us this way. Although it is not your dads fault he feels that way, it is his fault if he does not do anything about it.

I asked him to talk to her about his appt and his plan going forward. And to also admit all that is going on with him so she can feel that there is progress and our promise to her to make things better is slowly but surely happening.

If the therapist I am seeing works out, I will probably have her see that therapist as well.

[Blazing Star]

Wow it sounds like you are dealing with it really well! 

Great on all the age appropriate talking to your daughter! And that your H has had a bit of a wake up!

Crossing my fingers for you re the new therapist! I too changed Ts, my first one just didn't get it, the one I have now is Amazing, the difference is staggering.

Let us know how it goes.

Love Blazing Star

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

Blazing Star,

Thank you, I needed to hear that. My D7 is a very smart kid. She is in 2nd grade, in advanced classes at school, getting nearly perfect scores on every assignment, quiz and test. She struggles emotionally when it comes to her friends at school. We are seeing a therapist to address the pressure she puts on herself to make her friends happy. Her decisions at school are based on their happiness alone making her feel isolate and lonely. I believe she takes everything to heart because she would not treat others the way she is being treated and truly believes everything they say to her they mean.

With that said, there is no way for me to protect her from the things her dad does. She is very verbal about her feelings even if she doesn't always understand them. I tried to keep the idea of BPD away from her because I thought it would be confusing. As adults we struggle with understanding it. After the other the night, where my dh told me in front of the kids he hates me and we are divorcing along with calling me a bad parent in front of them and all the other stuff that happened, there was no way around it. I don't want her to think her dad is a bad person or the kind of person the would intentionally create that kind of environment for her or our family. The word divorce scares her so bad. She has come to both of us separately and told us she would rather listen to us fight every day for the rest of our lives than see our family split up. That's a hard thing to hear from your child when sometimes splitting your family up seems to be the only way to end the nightmare that BPD causes.

I get nervous about how all this effects both of my girls. I love that I can communicate with my D7 but my D4 is not the communicating type. This week she is showing a huge disinterest in her dad. She is usually a daddy's girl who loves to sit with him and have him do everything with her. This week she wants next to nothing to do with him. Luckily he understands and doesn't push her. I really hope this episode is the beginning of a positive change in our home. I'm not sure how much more I can take.   

Thank you for your support and understanding. I struggle with finding anyone who understands my situation, even on here.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi there,

I'm really glad your daughter is seeing a therapst!  I was an over-achiever in school.  I was trying hard to make my parents proud of me.  There was a LOT of tension at home when I was a child, thus began my 'disease to please' history.  I think if I'd had someone to talk to about it at that tender age, it could have saved me some emotional disturbances.  Also? my mom wasn't very demonstrative, so I appreciate the fact that I am very much the opposite towards my own children, we communicate about everything and have a very open home that welcomes all opinions, negative as well as positive.

I"m sorry for what you are going through, it's heart breaking as a parent to think of your home being split up, I've done that too, only for very different reasons...

Keep posting, it's very beneficial to write, and come back and read!

CiF

[maryy16]

Wow... .  you're story sounds so familiar!  My BPDh would completely rage in public all the time, putting me down, name calling, etc. When I would ask him to calm down, etc. he would yell "I'm making sure that everyone knows what YOU are really like". He totally could not see that he was the one acting completely crazy. Does that make any sense?  Of course not, nothing with BPD makes any sense.

My h too is a great father when not raging.  I worried too about how BPD would affect our three children. Our kids are adults now and are doing really great.  Not to say that they weren't affected by their father's illness, but thankfully, they came out okay and they all have a good relationship with him.

It took my h 30 years to realize that he was the one with the disorder... .  while in the meantime embarrassing me and our children constantly while in public and never realizing that he was the one in the wrong.  Everyone deserved his rage because, of course, it is his place to serve the punishments and tell everyone how stupid, retarded, moronic, etc they were.  Ahhh... .  the horrors of BPD. 

It will get better... .  believe me. Once the light bulb finally switched on, my h is making good strides.  Not that there aren't set backs, but he can correct himself now and not fly into days of rage. 

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

Thank you CiF!

Mary that sounds reassuring. I worry so much about how this affects them and feel immense pressure to be the perfect parent for them. I carry so much guilt for the things I struggle with in my parenting due to the lack of support and chaos that BPD brings. I feel I am slowly but surely figuring it out and hope that one day soon I can put myself back together and be the person I was meant to be rather than a doormat for someone's mental illness.

This was his first public rage and I hope it's his last. Since he has admitted to me and spoke with d7, I do feel more confident that change in him is possible this time. I just don't want to hold my breath.

[Blazing Star]

Hi Complete,

Your D7 is lucky to have you as her Mama! It is great that you are helping her to deal with her potentially unhealthy ways so early, before they become issues!

It is harder isn't it with a 4 year old isn't it, the whole talking about feelings thing, there are some good tips over on the Parenting Board too, for talking to children and helping them to understand.

I hear you on the carrying guilt too, when you are carrying extra parenting load to 'make up for the BPD' it adds to the mamaguilt doesn't it. Great to hear you feel you are slowly and surely figuring it out though!

Love Blazing Star

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

Thank you Blazing Star!