Projections...

[mlle24]

My mom says things to me which as far as I can tell are projections... .  I'm trying to address these/figure out how to respond to them with something other than "I'm sorry you feel that way".

"you're the most selfish person I've ever met" (even though I have bent over backward for her for my entire cognizant life)

"you gave up on your grandmother" (I was the one who recognized something was wrong with her and was told I had ulterior motives by my mother last year. After being told you're a bad person and your motives are selfish and conniving--you stop pushing)

"your grandmother would be disappointed" (I know she would be disappointed in both of us and where it seems to be heading)

[waverider]

The less said in response to direct projections the better, they are often just curtain raisers for further conflict. They are just looking for somewhere to hang their baggage. Best keep your arms down by your sides before you end with an armful.

Not even worth validating,  not that you really can effectively

[MKG1015]

I answer these with silence. Few things have ever worked so well with BPDmom as silence. When mine tosses out those nasty little digs I simply do not answer... .  of course she usually hangs up on me that point. However, once she hangs up I let that be the end of it. No texts. No calls. No acknowledgement until she calls and apologizes to me. I actually used it at Christmas and it worked like a charm. 

[nemone666]

It sounds like she is trying to pick a fight.

My MIL does this to me often. The last whopper was she cornered me and told me my husband is an addict.

(No, she needs to look in the mirror.)

I do the same, answer with a serene look and complete silence.

[BiancaRose]

I've found it very helpful to rephrase the projections in my head just so I know I'm aware of them, but I'm not really sure I know what's useful to say to them. I often respond that "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree" - so often it's basically my mantra - but if I'm feeling playful I try to respond to her as if she were an Internet troll. (This may not be the most mature response, but I figure I might as well get some fun out of this whole mess.  )

But how you respond externally probably matters less than being aware of the projection in your head as you're confronted with it. That way it gives you enough emotional control that you can choose your response instead of getting caught up by emotion. You can try different responses - silence, snarky answers, "agree to disagree", or whatever else - and see what works for you.

 BiancaRose

[isshebpd]

Apparently, I block them out. During the holidays, I said something to my uBPDmom and she curtly replied with "I didn't talk to MY Mother like that." (a projection, I guess) My wife overheard the conversation and thought it was strange because I wasn't being disrespectful or obnoxious. But the funny thing is I didn't hear the projection at the time. I know my Mom said something but I didn't register it. It was only afterwards when my wife pointed out the comment that I realized it was said. I had just heard "blah blah blah" because I think I subconsciously register it as nonsense that I've heard a million times before.

Actually, my Mom was quite rude with her Mom (Grandma, who died many years ago). I remember my Mom freaking out about something, Grandma nicely asking her calm down, and my Mom responding rage directed at Grandma. At various times, she took unjustified verbal shots at Grandma.

When I do notice uBPDmom's projections, they seem to designed to take the wind out of my sails when I'm trying to express myself. Just like when she accuses me of yelling when I'm speaking in a soft tone. The conversation basically ends, and whatever I had to say doesn't get said. Shut down.

[BiancaRose]

Lucky you, to be at the point where your mom sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown!