Living with BP sister in denial

[NikiTea]

I just joined a yahoo group and posted this here. But its nice to see an active community so I am happy to join this group as well.

I have recently moved back home after graduating from school and am currently working in hopes of moving out next year. A huge push for me to leave is due to the difficulty of living with one sister who meets all the symptoms of a high-functioning, invisible BP (with narcissistic tendencies).

My sister has always been different from the rest of us, I have plenty of childhood memories of her extreme tantrums, anxiety, etc. Her BP behaviors have certainly changed as she's aged (she is 25), but in some ways they are worse now that she's an adult who is very much in denial that anything is wrong with her. She's excellent at being "normal" in public, and presents as a social, competent person outside the home. The only evidence I have of her "true" behaviors are home videos, tape recordings, and journal entries. Close family friends and relatives are also aware of her issues and have occasionally seen glimpses of it. However, the vast majority of people do not understand, especially new therapists, doctors, or psychiatrists ... .  she is very good at playing the "victim" (though I don't believe she is aware of it) and blaming others for all of her difficulties. Everything boils down to other people's problems, she blames (and I think, sincerely believes) her problems are caused by other people, things, or situations ... .  even down to blaming my mom for giving her crappy genetics. :/

In short, it's hard to live here and it's hard to see my parents suckered into dealing with it. My mom has tried hopelessly to get her help for many, many years and is a huge proponent of all forms of treatment - mindfulness, DBT, etc ... .  she has either tried or is willing to do anything, but has always fell short of REALLY helping her. My parent's love and support has definitely enabled my sister's BPD behavior, they never set clear rules for her (or my other sister and I - but I think any non-BP would have faired fine). When she's gone from the house (for a couple hours or better yet days!), we function as a normal and happy family - it's amazing how different and wonderful it feels. My parents and other sister have very different personalities and interests, but we can all compromise and get along well. But as soon as my BP sister comes home, the tension rises exponentially - she truly rules the roost and everyone is on their toes (and consequently walking on eggshells). My family seems like a chaotic, unpredictable mess with her around ... .  there's a lingering fear of when the next fight will break out.

The easiest solution would be my BP sister to move out (which she would love), but its a bit unrealistic considering she could never afford it on her own and has a poor grasp of budgeting, money, etc. My parents can't financially afford to fund her living elsewhere for a long time. I know if she moved out she'd need her the security deposit, first and last months rent paid (which she has explicitly stated is a must), a family car, and money for groceries/essentials ... .  so that simple solution becomes a VERY expensive one that indulges her wants (or as she'd put it, "needs". Like I mentioned, my parents are not the type that would ever kick her out of the house or financially cut her off either.

So aside from me being stuck due to the job reasons, my parents are stuck with a BP daughter and there is no plan in place for a realistic solution. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Chosen]

Hi NikiTea,



It must be hard living with your BPD sister for so many years.  Reading about her actions and mentality, I completely understand what you mean by her seeming normal to outside people so others don't really understand.  This is quite common in BPD behaviour. 

Whether or not she moves out in future, you and your parents are currently having to handle her extreme emotions.  Here is some info on how to support her and protect yourselves:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Are your parents aware that your sister is BPD, and has she been diagnosed officially?

[NikiTea]

Thanks for the reply. She is undiagnosed and I do not think she will ever get a diagnosis. She is in complete denial anything psychological is wrong and cannot comprehend that her behavior, coping skills, or thought patterns are different than a non-BPs. The fact that she can be successful outside the home (having friendships, jobs, graduating university, coming off as charismatic/normal to others), while unloading inside the home (being fired for a recent job and not having a fulltime one for over a year, having panic attacks and calling the ambulance twice, being hyper-aware of physical sensations, and of course, the major rages) makes things much more difficult. She is extremely self-centered and her thoughts revolve around HER. However normal they are in isolation (ie. each sentence or complaint), the fact that they are 24/7, non-stop, self-focused complaints that blame others is a sign its BPD. I showed a family friend a video of her rage. He said if it was 30 seconds long than it sounded like a normal, very-upset person. But then we he saw it went on for over 5 minutes (with no one listening/fighting back or interrupting) is not-normal. Its the frequency, duration, emotional unsteadiness, and intensity of her rages that cannot be ignored.

My mother has been trying her whole life to get help. My whole family is aware she is an undiagnosed BP. My sister has been displaying these behaviors since day one, despite having a normal upbringing with no close relatives having it. My mother has a different way of dealing with it than I do, but she has joined the forum as "crazymamma?" per request this morning. Since she is the main trigger and target of my BP sister, it is even more important she finds a way to deal with it.

[NikiTea]

I also wanted to add that its only been in the last couple months that we've found a name for what my sister has. Before we just thought of her as throwing tantrums (at 25) and being emotional/anxious and slightly incompetent. I was speaking to a new friend who recently finished a masters in sociology and works with mentally-ill people. After giving her a brief rundown of my sister, she suggested it was a personality disorder - possibly BPD. Although I had heard of it before, I never really read into it. When I did, I was astounded that a book had characterized my sister perfectly! Everything clicked together and her abnormal behaviors/personality finally make sense! Since this is recent, my BP sister doesn't know what we've found out. She knows we all think she is "crazy" or "psychotic" at times, but is firmly against seeking ANY psychological help (although she has very briefly in the past with much effort). She is smart enough to fool any doctor or psychologist, if they are unaware of her history or have not heard from family members.

[UpwardAndOnward]

Hi NikiTea-

I just joined this site today. I actually had read your moms post before yours and wondered if you guys were connected at the family description.

My mom has BPD, and like you and found a great sense of relief once I was finally able to "name" her condition. I had always just known it as crazy, but when I read about BPD disorder, it was like a light bulb went off for me. My mom is actually very intelligent. She even went to school and graduated in social work and then went to get her masters for it... .  not surprisingly she did not finish her masters even though she is only 6 credits shy. she also does nothing with the degree-- but my point was that she is educated about these kinds of disorders, and she has even told me before how pwBPD are the worst kinds to deal with. "there is nothing worse" she said to me. Where I agree with her, i cant even wrap my mind around the fact that she is explaining herself. She always switches therapists and is extremely manipulative so i cant imagine that they get any whole truths of any stories anyways. im glad you have the support of your mom... .  its important for the rest of your family to stick together. i try to stay close with my brother about it, but i feel like im more evolved than he in accepting the illusion of having this wonderful mom that will never happen. i hope you and your mom can find some peace from being able to relate over this together.