On the first real breakup...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Do you think, in some part of their minds, the first breakup, in my case (the only? or the only solid one), was a way to end things before their masks were fully ripped off?

Which came in the form of a very professional sounding text, impersonal (I mean sheesh, it almost makes it seem she is being neutral and I'm the borderline), that she would cut off all communications with me.

Further attempts to pry = hostiliy/hate. I know this may sound "romantic", but I have considered a possibility, that the text was a way of her saying "please, don't try to contact me, I love you/like you a lot, but I know what is going to happen, it's best if we just stop contacting each other" (the relationship had gone to long distance already).

Or... .  was it emotional abuse?

[VeryConfusedNon]

Do you think, in some part of their minds, the first breakup, in my case (the only? or the only solid one), was a way to end things before their masks were fully ripped off?

Which came in the form of a very professional sounding text, impersonal (I mean sheesh, it almost makes it seem she is being neutral and I'm the borderline), that she would cut off all communications with me.

Further attempts to pry = hostiliy/hate. I know this may sound "romantic", but I have considered a possibility, that the text was a way of her saying "please, don't try to contact me, I love you/like you a lot, but I know what is going to happen, it's best if we just stop contacting each other" (the relationship had gone to long distance already).

Or... .  was it emotional abuse?

[hithere]

If she was BPD then the reason for the breakup was probably that she found someone more suitable to replace you. I don't know much about your story (except from the post above) but you do sound somewhat stuck, talk to a therapist and move on with your life.  If she was BPD then she did you a huge favor by letting you go.

[VeryConfusedNon]

suitable... .  better? or more available? more able to manipulate?

[susanleona]

They don't necessarily have someone else lined up... .  but feel they have to lose you and give it a shot somewhere else.

[Tausk]

I've never been able to figure out the break ups and recycles from my ex.  It's a disorder, and an attachment disorder at that. Reading the posts from "2010" helped me understand the dynamics of the overall interaction.  And it also allowed me to stop thinking about specific instances so much.  I lived for so long in the, "if only i had done this this time, or if I had done that... .  then we would be together, then she wouldn't have felt insecure, or she did this because of this, i think, or if only i hadn't... .  "

But the disorder always wins.  And the triggers could be anything.  The incidences never end and the possible causes are infinite.

Trying to interpret disordered thought process in my mind (which has its own disorders) is just an exercise in ultimate and infinite futility. 

So, I look more at the overall patterns rather than try to interpret specifics.   

[hithere]

suitable... .  better? or more available? more able to manipulate?

suitable... .  more able to manipulate? That one probably... .  or any crazy criteria she could be using.  With BPD you just never know what they are basing their decisions on.

[VeryConfusedNon]

She did mention feelnig so lonely, she just leaned right up against an acquaintance and leaned against him in the car during a ride home... .  after we physically seperated cause she had to go back to school and I just graduated... .  hmmmmm

[Jay08]

suitable... .  better? or more available? more able to manipulate?

Could be many reasons. The two you mention are definetely major ones.

In my case, as i thought about it for the longest time why she did what she did, i believe was because she was scared i was ultimately 'playing' her, so she left me for someone else.

We were broken up and she found out i went on a date with another girl, got some texts late at night in which she flipped out over despite me assuring her im making it work. Overall i believe her fear of me finding someone else made her leave me even though i did not want to.

She also would tell me to stop working out, stop dressing cute, etc. towards the end. Always the fear of abandonment and losing you to someone else, so they do exactly what they are scared of to you. Dont sweat it.

[VeryConfusedNon]

Mine never asked me to stop working out, but when things were good, it was harder, to get her to go out haha she wanted to sleep all the time and be lazy (the ultimate antithesis of her character, even before she met me)

[seeking balance]

BPD is rooted in abandonment.  When they end things, it is to soothe/control their overwhelming emotions.  Logical?  No.  BPD is not logical... .  it is maladaptive coping strategies to emotions that feel extreme to them.

[Jay08]

Mine never asked me to stop working out, but when things were good, it was harder, to get her to go out haha she wanted to sleep all the time and be lazy (the ultimate antithesis of her character, even before she met me)

Yea i know what your talking about.

Mine loved going out as long as i was going to be with her. If i had plans to go out with friends she would tell me i didnt love her enough, etc. There came a point where she "thought" all of our friends were against her and purposely didnt invite her to things so shed just want to do nothing. Then shed get a text from a girlfriend and start asking me if i had plans or anything (trying to get me to go out so she could do whatever it was her friends wanted to do). Always being manipulative . She was not as smart as she thought she was.

Yea it was weird. I've been working out for years. I got an athletic physique, and when we first started dating she told me "i usually dont go for guys with muscles cause their a*holes". But im naturally a shy laid back guy.

She loved it at first, than began telling me "you dont need to work out anymore", or "of course you dress cute when i have to work/when were not hanging out"... Im like... really? cause i could have swore i wore the same crap last week when we hung out . Crazy minds man i tell you.

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

I don't think when a BPD letting you go necessary means she/he wants to find someone else who is more "suitable".

To me, BPDs do have their conscious minds sometimes, and because of this illness they are unable to accept any flaws in themselves at all (why they project all faults to NONs), they know that they have done too much damages in the relationship and they just don't know how to fix them, since they cannot accept any flaws in them - throwing the relationship away is a way to avoid admitting their mistakes.

[VeryConfusedNon]

Too bad she doesn't realize, I was willing to accept her flaws. Sheesh.

But that may be the dysfunctional side of me talking

[Jay08]

I don't think when a BPD letting you go necessary means she/he wants to find someone else who is more "suitable".

To me, BPDs do have their conscious minds sometimes, and because of this illness they are unable to accept any flaws in themselves at all (why they project all faults to NONs), they know that they have done too much damages in the relationship and they just don't know how to fix them, since they cannot accept any flaws in them - throwing the relationship away is a way to avoid admitting their mistakes.

Very true. This is where their shame takes its toll.

I do not believe for one second some peoples opinions that they do not care at all.

They will leave you in heartbeat after everything goes well to avoid the shame. They can not face you in a mature way because that means facing their demons. Its easier to run from their shame instead of facing it head on. In a way you are a memory of their mistakes.

In a corny way its like a song. Some songs remind you of the good times, and some remind you of the bad times.

I had an ex girlfriend i cheated on when i was younger who did not deserve it. I was immature at the time, and she really loved me. (First loves, i was 17). She no longer cares, and has moved on. But i see her from time to time, and when i see her i still feel like a jackass for doing what i did. Because i knew it was wrong, that is guilt. BPD do not have guilt, but shame. So instead of feeling bad about what they did, they feel bad because they associate their actions with their character.

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Mine never asked me to stop working out, but when things were good, it was harder, to get her to go out haha she wanted to sleep all the time and be lazy (the ultimate antithesis of her character, even before she met me)

Yea i know what your talking about.

Mine loved going out as long as i was going to be with her. If i had plans to go out with friends she would tell me i didnt love her enough, etc. There came a point where she "thought" all of our friends were against her and purposely didnt invite her to things so shed just want to do nothing. Then shed get a text from a girlfriend and start asking me if i had plans or anything (trying to get me to go out so she could do whatever it was her friends wanted to do). Always being manipulative . She was not as smart as she thought she was.

Yea it was weird. I've been working out for years. I got an athletic physique, and when we first started dating she told me "i usually dont go for guys with muscles cause their a*holes". But im naturally a shy laid back guy.

She loved it at first, than began telling me "you dont need to work out anymore", or "of course you dress cute when i have to work/when were not hanging out"... Im like... really? cause i could have swore i wore the same crap last week when we hung out . Crazy minds man i tell you.

Haha, I have experienced the similar circumstances with my exBPDbf.

He LOVED going out with me, and he LOVED when I dressed cute but only when I was with him. He was always proud to be with me, and always bragged about me to his friends. But when I went out by myself(even just go to school), he would be mad at me because I was dressing "cute" to go to school.

Their fear to be abandoned is so obvious, and also exhausted to us NONs.

I also spent plenty of time thinking "if I have done this, if I didn't do that, he did this because I did that... .  maybe if I did this we will still be together." In the end, it doesn't matter what I do, if he wants to be upset/mad, he will do it anyway. He will tell me one thing this time, and next time, I did what he told me the last time, he would tell me another thing he was upset with. Basically, if he wanted to be upset, he will be upset no matter what I do. BPDs are impossible to pleased when they are unwilling to be pleased.

[SarahinMA]

Mine never asked me to stop working out, but when things were good, it was harder, to get her to go out haha she wanted to sleep all the time and be lazy (the ultimate antithesis of her character, even before she met me)

Yea i know what your talking about.

Mine loved going out as long as i was going to be with her. If i had plans to go out with friends she would tell me i didnt love her enough, etc. There came a point where she "thought" all of our friends were against her and purposely didnt invite her to things so shed just want to do nothing. Then shed get a text from a girlfriend and start asking me if i had plans or anything (trying to get me to go out so she could do whatever it was her friends wanted to do). Always being manipulative . She was not as smart as she thought she was.

Yea it was weird. I've been working out for years. I got an athletic physique, and when we first started dating she told me "i usually dont go for guys with muscles cause their a*holes". But im naturally a shy laid back guy.

She loved it at first, than began telling me "you dont need to work out anymore", or "of course you dress cute when i have to work/when were not hanging out"... Im like... really? cause i could have swore i wore the same crap last week when we hung out . Crazy minds man i tell you.

Mine did the same thing!  Towards the end, he criticized me and the relationship because he felt that he had "lost himself" and hinted that he wanted to do things separate.  This was after he guilted me into spending most of my time with him.  So, I started making plans to go out with girlfriends more and he got angry and bitter about that- very passive aggressive comments, etc.  After he broke up with me, he blamed all of our mutual friends for "dropping him" from our social circle which was absolutely never the case.

[VeryConfusedNon]

Based on your replies, ever get the ... .  feeling your ex thought you were manipulative, or selfish?

[SarahinMA]

My ex told me straight up that he broke up with me because I was selfish and basically used him for his money.  I was absolutely shocked. 

[afterdeath]

they do not leave you for someone better... .  suitable is a loose word here as it could be defined for multiple meaings... .  If she was like was exBPDgf she left you for an "easier target"... .  i was starting to stand up for myself and started asking her to put her share of the work into the r/s... as i could fill her distancing emotionally. She also told me to stop working out in the beginning and i did give up alot due to work and helping raise her daughter... there just simply wasnt enough time in the day. When i would work out she would scold me for it or act like she was suprised because she molded me into being a lazy piece of crap i guess... .  i remember telling her i ran one morning and she said what the hell got into you are you sick? Like no... .  i used to run all the time remember? Anywho... .  she was trying to change me and i think she started to feel threatened because people in her family and mine started complimenting how good i looked. Back to the original thought though: my BPDex replaced me with a 35 year old that she worked with... .  that is 9 years her elder... .  i was two years younger than her... .  again... is he better than me? No... .  you know how i know? He was sneaking around with my fiance... .  the ring on her finger shouldve showed him to back the hell off... .  but i guess i cant blame him... shes very beautiful and seductive... .  but he is balding... .  gray hair... .  pub belly... .  i am young... fit... .  and was great to her... .  alls i asked her was to start showing she loved me once in a while and it was clearly too much to ask her to actually put work into our r/s. Her first comments i still remember were how amazed and happy she was with me because there was no effort or work needed and it was just all so easy with me. Ha... .  again... more suitable may be the right word here... .  in her case... it was "the easier target"... .  who will fill my needs right now and not ask for anything in return and who can i abuse that will tolerate it and be desperate enough not to leave me... .  predators... .  cold heartless machines... .  you could have done nothing to prevent this... .  dont beat yourself up over it... .  they simply replace... .  doesnt have to be better... .  they just have to be new and have to be there... .  and the cycle will go for them just as it did you.

[hithere]

.but he is balding... .  gray hair... .  pub belly... .  i am young... fit

As mentioned above, the core of BPD is fear of abandonment, so in her mind there is probably a much lesser chance this new guy will abandon her.

[seeking balance]

.but he is balding... .  gray hair... .  pub belly... .  i am young... fit

As mentioned above, the core of BPD is fear of abandonment, so in her mind there is probably a much lesser chance this new guy will abandon her.

Yes, this is the key.

Regarding abandonment fears... .  keep in mind it doesn't matter if real or not... .  it is the perception by the pwBPD, not necessarily a fact.

[Newton]

I agree with afterdeath that the word "suitable" is more errrm 'suitable'... .  

My ex would fawn over guys she worked with if they appeared to be wealthy, fatherly and not too exciting or rock n roll... .  physical attraction didn't seem to come into her considerations.  It was about attempting to find a new attachment that would fulfill her needs and temporarily calm her inner turmoil.

Predatory?... .  yes... .  

... .  "cold heartless machines?... .  actually I believe the opposite to be the case.  People with BPD are operating in survival mode constantly.  They "feel" to such extremes and whilst a lot of their splitting behaviour appears ruthless and intentionally uncaring it is a coping mechanism... .  

It's not about us... .   

[ExTreme]

You're absolutely correct there, Newt., re.:... .  "being in survival mode constantly". However maladaptive, these mechanisms were relied upon out of am overwhelmingly dire necessity.            :'(