goodbye on this board and going to the leaving.

[mitchell16]

I have been involved with my BPDGF for two years know and after another awful christmas and new year I have had enough. She started about a week or so before christmas I could sense she was starting a push cycle. I rode it out and walked on eggshells and did lots of space giving and validation. It worked for the moment. Made it through Christmas day, everything was great no problems. The next day she had to work and I was off. I had stayed at her house at her insistence. I cleaned her house, ran some errands for her. Took care of some business for myself. She called from work and was having a stressful day. Later that evening she called on her way home from work, I could tell she was tense but i have seen her worse so I didnt think she was that bad. when she got home she became mad at me because I hadnt dont one small chore of hers. She became very verbally abusive. Put downs accusing me off being lazy just like her ex. I told her that was enough I had it. This was about the fourt or fifth time she said stuff like that and I wasnt going to stand for it. The next day she wanted to pretend everything was ok. when I told her I very angry about and it and that enough was enough. I could deal with her bing cranky but insulting I couldnt. She then told me she didnt want to spend teh day with me if I was mad. So I left. She texted me once saying she was sorry she said all that stuff that she knew I wasnt that way. I havent heard from her sense. this is two years in a row she has ruined my Christmas and New Years. I believe I going to throw in the towel and head over to the leaving board. My sanity cant stand another year of this. I admit the tools do work somewhat but its just I cant maintain it it. Life is passing me by and its way to short to be misrable. So see ya on the leaving board.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

Holidays are nortoriously difficult.

On the good side she pulled herself together, acknowledged her actions and apologized to you.

A lot of BPD flat out won't do that. It takes a lot for mine to. I could work with him a lot more than I am able to now if he was aware of it.

Probably it is a really good idea for you to step back and take a break from this, whatever you end up doing. take care of yourself, regain your composure.

I find when I am losing it, it is because I am not paying attention to myself, my own feelings and just taking a break.

[yeeter]

Good luck on your journey Mitchell!  Feel free to visit us here any time you like, and as elemental says, dont forget to take care of yourself!

[beachtalks]

Mitchell,

That sounds very painful.  I have had the hardest year of my life with my SOBPD, and yet, it has also been the best year for my self growth in any ways.  My friends and family have noticed significant changes in my personality, and like me for the better because of the changes: I'm more respectful of other people's boundaries, less flirtatious, more honest, less judgmental, and more of a team player when making decisions.  It's because of my SOBPD calling me out on my stuff--particularly things that some of my exes complained about.  

I hope you can find some little gold nuggets to take with you and grow from.

Best of luck... .     

[mitchell16]

elemental, thanks for the advice. Yes, she did apoligize and that was nice and thoughful. But its history repeating itself over and over. Like I said I can deal with the cranky or being ill. I know smome people act that way when they have a bad day. But the put downs and insults I cant. I mean how do you validate that. When they say " you are lazy like my ex" do you say your right I am or I understand how you feel that way. Im just cant do that. That would be like insulting myself. call it my ego or whatever but I cant insult myself for something I didnt do. I can be honest with myself if i have a short comming or I make a mistake or could do something better but I cant put myself down just to make someone else feel better about themselves. If this had been the first time or it wasnt the day after christmas I might have just let it roll of my back. But something in me just couldnt do it this time. I have let the insults go so many times in the past im feeling like my own self esteem in taking a beating. about 2 months ago I walk away after catching her in numrous lies. Of course she begged me back, promised never happen again. she threaten suicide. I caved in. Only to be right back here again.

[hithere]

Life is passing me by and its way to short to be misrable. So see ya on the leaving board.

I had been planning on leaving for a few months but another bad new years (we fought and went our on to separate activities for the evening) tipped the scales for me and I left at the end of last January.

All I can say is this years holidays with my new love interest was AMAZING and that is how life should be.  Good luck on the next step of your journey.

[kl315]

Hi Mitchell - is your girlfriend in treatment? If not, when she tries to come back that might be an opportunity to set a boundary. I will work with you on the relationship so long as you are in appropriate therapy.

I've recently had some struggles with my dBPDbf that have me wavering between Staying and Undecided, but I had mentally commited to hanging in with him as long as he stayed in DBT therapy... .  this therapy is proving to be quite effective.

Is that a possibility or does she refuse to acknowledge the disorder?

[mitchell16]

kl315. She is not in treatment and she is in the therapy field. We have discussed BPD but she refuses to aknowlegde that she has it. One minute she will say she has deattchement disorder, OCD disorder, BPD traits and any other disorder except for the one that fits her to a T. which is BPD. I talked to therapist who agreed that he couldnt diagnose her without meeting witg her but he did say that based on what I told me she certainly did sound BPD. and of course he told me that before it was over I would end up hating her. and I think He was very right. I do still feel like I love her but it is slowly leaving me. I mean You can never have a moment of happiness, comfort, understanding, commitment and so on. Everything with these people can change on a dime without warning. In two years its been the same thing over and over. For every good moment you have a week of hell. The last day I saw her was the day after christmas, she left for work, kissed me told me she loved. Told me to enjoy my day off. She insisted that I stay at her house insted of returning to my own home. When she came home it was truly like Dr Jykel and Mr. Hyde. I went through this last thanksgiving. last christmas, last New year, last easter had a good weekend only for her to break up with me about a week later for no apparent reason. After two days of silence we talked and of course according to her I did everything wrong that night, I should have known she was tired and had a bad day, instead sitting on my ass( her words) all day. I should have had candles lite for her. hot bath drawn, her dinner fixed. Never mind that I did have the house cleaned, garbage taken out, been to the grocery store, had her supper started. and Of course this not the first time I have went through this with her. I went through this when she had surgery, I went through this when she had job changes, went through this when she moved, and I always stayed supportive and allowed myself to be recycled over and over. BUt I just dont think I have it in me anymore. I will commend anybody who can stay with these people becuase I dont know how it can be done and keep your own sanity.

[almost789]

Sounds like she's in denial.  It's not a noble thing to stay when they are in denial and abusive. Infact, its more enabling and self sacrificing. Good luck to you! You deserve to find a good healthy relationship.

[elemental]

You did a lot for her that day. I personally cannot imagine walking into the house with all of that done for me and having a big fit about not having a bath already drawn for me.

Just me, you seem like a really good guy and I am sorry you have been hurt.

[mitchell16]

elemental, thank you I think I needed to hear that. I consider myself a very good person. I have tried to alway be there for her. I thought that day I that she would ahve been happy that she didnt have to do all those things. She did say she was sorry and I guess i should have let it go. But after 2 years of letting things go and every holiday or vacation getting ruined or the memrioies tarnished I just could let it go anymore. I felt like she was forcing my hand. I had told her that last time she insulted me comparing with one of her ex's that I wasnt going to put up with anymore. I just felt like for my own self respect I had to make a stand and could let it go. Of course I also think a break up is what she wanted once again. She was just pushing me like always until I finally cant stand anymore and then I leave and she then can say I abondoned her. This time we havent said teh words that we were done but when I left that we have only spoken once since then. Of course In my heart I really feel like Im done. I just cant see how to survive in this.