Today is 1 year after my breakup with BPDgf (hope and lessons learned)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I just HAD to post today. It is 1 year since my breakup of my 9 year r/s with my exBPDgf. It is as if on January 2 last year, I finally chose the truth pill (nerd reference to the matrix). I want to offer hope and reflection on the past year.

I think Alanon and T saved my life.  This place helped me make sense out of the twisted, nonsensical script I'd been following. When I went to our couples counselor (our last and favorite one), she said never overlook the fact that you got out. Many never do. And that has been how it's felt in the last year-like I escaped something big, bad, nasty and dark couched in the being of someone I truly loved (and in dashes and spurts loved me back maybe). That this felt like love tells me I have a whole mess of work to do on myself.

In the past year I have felt relief on a daily basis, peace and serenity and even joy. And lots of grief and so many scooby-doo say what moments. My health is better. I'm starting to get friends again. Yet I'm still struggling with loneliness, but I'm working on the isolation equals safety that I learned in my childhood.

More than anything today I grieve the loss of the illusion. My r/s was never what I thought it was-that is a really big loss. I sure wish it hadn't taken 9 years to learn it wasn't working. I know now that it took what it took. Next.

A whole new world has opened up to me since the breakup and please note I'm only 7+ months total NC at this point. Like so many others have referenced here, it took a few times for me to finally get it: all communication needed to stop NOW. Doesn't matter what was last said, doesn't matter if I was nice, mean, loving or cruella d'evil. Silence was needed for my healing. No periods or exclamations points to add. For my deepest well-being, at that point, practically for my survival, all communication had to stop  

That was the 2nd gift I gave myself (the first was leaving).  And I've had to up the ante to keep it this way too-change my #, send all email to trash, get off FB completely, un-hook from anyone she tries to use to get back to me.

I had no clue my ex was BPD, even with a T (of almost entire time I was in r/s) who was all but shouting it to me.  My T said hmmm... sounds like you are walking on eggshells on many occasions. I left for issues that I now know are symptoms of her BPD. After I left the whole, messy backstory began to unravel (all the triangulation (read definition)s, the pattern to what I called the What the heck moments, the true nature of who I'd just been involved with and why).

1 year out, what I'm left with is me. I've had a mess of other "challenges" in the past year and what I'm finding is that more than anything else, I need to not abandon me ever again.

Many times this year, I've said I just want to be happy. I got out a r/s with someone who was in-constitutionally capable of being happy, so this year has been about reveling in simple things. And finding joy there (as opposed to judgement, negativity, extreme sensitivities and slights).

What I know now is that my r/s ran according to script. There were red flags from the get go.  I didn't see them or I saw them and didn't let them sink in. Every time my ex showed herself, I didn't know what to do with it, so I wrote it in my journal and kept going. I'd possibly share them with my T who I started seeing shortly into the r/s because I was getting so depressed again-yet another clue. 

And we'd cycle around and around, so it was hard to get a bead on anything. Esp. when I was worn down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I mistook words for action and believed what I wanted to hear.

What I know now is that nothing I ever did was going to make a difference. No amount of change, growth or self-inventory was going to make our r/s better. It's like I was on a roller coaster and no buddha-like demeanor was going to prevent whatever dysregulation was going on with my ex.

The fact that she kept discounting whatever outside help  and not changing should have told me something much sooner. She's not ready, able or willing to change. We tried 4 couples counselors, RCA, a sex therapist, and even her own therapy-which I had to finally give an ultimatum to get her to go. Any attempt for change was met with resistance, sometimes right away, sometimes within a month or two. Meanwhile I was heavy-duty in T and going to 12-step meetings, tried to be the "best me" so the r/s would work. I took on way more than 50% responsibility for the r/s.

What I know now is that at least 90% of the criticism leveled my way was projection. Pure and simple. I am nowhere near the terrible, awful, icky thing she told me I was-directly with constant criticism and indirectly with her neglect and inconsistency.

And that in fact what I think hurt me most and kept me stuck, is that by not standing up for myself by leaving (cause that really was the only solution), I was colluding in my abuse. And that just made me feel worse about myself, so I spun deeper into shame.

What I know now is that neither am I deserving of the pedestal and uber quick bonding she threw my way in the beginning. What I mistook for my not getting sorta "love addicted" like I'd done in previous r/s, was not in fact about my emotional sobriety. It was a lack of actual attachment to someone who had no solid core to attach to, in a real sense.

And that good time in the beginning I kept trying to get back to, was really when she was just mirroring me. It wasn't real either. Yet more projection. And in a sense, who I thought I was falling in love with was a projection of myself (ah, so twisted).

What I know now is that she was her amalgamation of good and bad waaay before I came on the scene. I found a box of "chaos" that gave me a real representation of this. She was broken waay before me (and now I get it that her family knew too, and so much more). And that when someone tells me in the beginning that they are "toxic waste", I need to respect this. She was telling me where she was with her wounds and I chose to blow by this. I only saw what I wanted to see, heard what I wanted to hear.

I would instead focus on the moments where she would meet me, where we would connect. As angry as I've been at her in the last year, my T has reminded me to remember these moments too. They were there. They were real. And in a way this is what is the most heart-breaking, that somewhere in there, she could connect, just not in a consistent fashion.

And it is a basic need I have for consistency. I need it and I deserve it. I can't have a deep abiding r/s with someone who is not able to have more than fleeting object constancy.

What I know now is that I at best, participated in my own destruction. I allowed the r/s to hurt my health, my finances, my career, my social life, my sex life, my most basic sense of self. She may have tossed the grenades but I kept catching them.

So I need to look at it all-what got me in, what kept me there, what made me think it not working was my fault, what made me NOT see the truth of her dys-regulation,  and my childhood.

For all the work I've done before and during the r/s, I have a whole new level of appreciation for why I've got so much PTSD. My T said I was in a sort of "stolkholm syndrome" in the r/s and that I've had another sort of PTSD in the breakup. So I have to be kind to myself and gentle. Mindfulness, in so many forms has helped me heal. Journaling, 12-steps, a grief-group, more T, and starting to think about what I do want has all been healing.

I am beginning to  look at the effects of growing up with alcoholic BPDma and alcoholic NPDda (and alcoholic something something stepma and stepda). So nowhere was safe for me growing up, always a fire, always a frying pan. For me, knowing all this has been more than just getting new labels, it has helped me make sense of things in my core.

Like I said, I've had so many other hard things happen last year, I mean real big doozies. So it is even more of a miracle that I've done so much healing in the midst of all this. For me, it is no stone unturned, no more will fear and isolation rule my life. I'm not worried about future r/s, I have a ton of healing to do. I don't want to ever again go down the road I went with my ex. Instead, as I've said, I just want to be happy.

A few quotes really helped me last year:

Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

CG Jung:  I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become

A friend: Oh honey, that's 10 years on the couch and medication. It's time for you to go figure out what you want on your own pizza

 exBPDgf

[exbpdgf]

Hi all,

I just HAD to post today. It is 1 year since my breakup of my 9 year r/s with my exBPDgf. It is as if on January 2 last year, I finally chose the truth pill (nerd reference to the matrix). I want to offer hope and reflection on the past year.

I think Alanon and T saved my life.  This place helped me make sense out of the twisted, nonsensical script I'd been following. When I went to our couples counselor (our last and favorite one), she said never overlook the fact that you got out. Many never do. And that has been how it's felt in the last year-like I escaped something big, bad, nasty and dark couched in the being of someone I truly loved (and in dashes and spurts loved me back maybe). That this felt like love tells me I have a whole mess of work to do on myself.

In the past year I have felt relief on a daily basis, peace and serenity and even joy. And lots of grief and so many scooby-doo say what moments. My health is better. I'm starting to get friends again. Yet I'm still struggling with loneliness, but I'm working on the isolation equals safety that I learned in my childhood.

More than anything today I grieve the loss of the illusion. My r/s was never what I thought it was-that is a really big loss. I sure wish it hadn't taken 9 years to learn it wasn't working. I know now that it took what it took. Next.

A whole new world has opened up to me since the breakup and please note I'm only 7+ months total NC at this point. Like so many others have referenced here, it took a few times for me to finally get it: all communication needed to stop NOW. Doesn't matter what was last said, doesn't matter if I was nice, mean, loving or cruella d'evil. Silence was needed for my healing. No periods or exclamations points to add. For my deepest well-being, at that point, practically for my survival, all communication had to stop  

That was the 2nd gift I gave myself (the first was leaving).  And I've had to up the ante to keep it this way too-change my #, send all email to trash, get off FB completely, un-hook from anyone she tries to use to get back to me.

I had no clue my ex was BPD, even with a T (of almost entire time I was in r/s) who was all but shouting it to me.  My T said hmmm... sounds like you are walking on eggshells on many occasions. I left for issues that I now know are symptoms of her BPD. After I left the whole, messy backstory began to unravel (all the triangulation (read definition)s, the pattern to what I called the What the heck moments, the true nature of who I'd just been involved with and why).

1 year out, what I'm left with is me. I've had a mess of other "challenges" in the past year and what I'm finding is that more than anything else, I need to not abandon me ever again.

Many times this year, I've said I just want to be happy. I got out a r/s with someone who was in-constitutionally capable of being happy, so this year has been about reveling in simple things. And finding joy there (as opposed to judgement, negativity, extreme sensitivities and slights).

What I know now is that my r/s ran according to script. There were red flags from the get go.  I didn't see them or I saw them and didn't let them sink in. Every time my ex showed herself, I didn't know what to do with it, so I wrote it in my journal and kept going. I'd possibly share them with my T who I started seeing shortly into the r/s because I was getting so depressed again-yet another clue. 

And we'd cycle around and around, so it was hard to get a bead on anything. Esp. when I was worn down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I mistook words for action and believed what I wanted to hear.

What I know now is that nothing I ever did was going to make a difference. No amount of change, growth or self-inventory was going to make our r/s better. It's like I was on a roller coaster and no buddha-like demeanor was going to prevent whatever dysregulation was going on with my ex.

The fact that she kept discounting whatever outside help  and not changing should have told me something much sooner. She's not ready, able or willing to change. We tried 4 couples counselors, RCA, a sex therapist, and even her own therapy-which I had to finally give an ultimatum to get her to go. Any attempt for change was met with resistance, sometimes right away, sometimes within a month or two. Meanwhile I was heavy-duty in T and going to 12-step meetings, tried to be the "best me" so the r/s would work. I took on way more than 50% responsibility for the r/s.

What I know now is that at least 90% of the criticism leveled my way was projection. Pure and simple. I am nowhere near the terrible, awful, icky thing she told me I was-directly with constant criticism and indirectly with her neglect and inconsistency.

And that in fact what I think hurt me most and kept me stuck, is that by not standing up for myself by leaving (cause that really was the only solution), I was colluding in my abuse. And that just made me feel worse about myself, so I spun deeper into shame.

What I know now is that neither am I deserving of the pedestal and uber quick bonding she threw my way in the beginning. What I mistook for my not getting sorta "love addicted" like I'd done in previous r/s, was not in fact about my emotional sobriety. It was a lack of actual attachment to someone who had no solid core to attach to, in a real sense.

And that good time in the beginning I kept trying to get back to, was really when she was just mirroring me. It wasn't real either. Yet more projection. And in a sense, who I thought I was falling in love with was a projection of myself (ah, so twisted).

What I know now is that she was her amalgamation of good and bad waaay before I came on the scene. I found a box of "chaos" that gave me a real representation of this. She was broken waay before me (and now I get it that her family knew too, and so much more). And that when someone tells me in the beginning that they are "toxic waste", I need to respect this. She was telling me where she was with her wounds and I chose to blow by this. I only saw what I wanted to see, heard what I wanted to hear.

I would instead focus on the moments where she would meet me, where we would connect. As angry as I've been at her in the last year, my T has reminded me to remember these moments too. They were there. They were real. And in a way this is what is the most heart-breaking, that somewhere in there, she could connect, just not in a consistent fashion.

And it is a basic need I have for consistency. I need it and I deserve it. I can't have a deep abiding r/s with someone who is not able to have more than fleeting object constancy.

What I know now is that I at best, participated in my own destruction. I allowed the r/s to hurt my health, my finances, my career, my social life, my sex life, my most basic sense of self. She may have tossed the grenades but I kept catching them.

So I need to look at it all-what got me in, what kept me there, what made me think it not working was my fault, what made me NOT see the truth of her dys-regulation,  and my childhood.

For all the work I've done before and during the r/s, I have a whole new level of appreciation for why I've got so much PTSD. My T said I was in a sort of "stolkholm syndrome" in the r/s and that I've had another sort of PTSD in the breakup. So I have to be kind to myself and gentle. Mindfulness, in so many forms has helped me heal. Journaling, 12-steps, a grief-group, more T, and starting to think about what I do want has all been healing.

I am beginning to  look at the effects of growing up with alcoholic BPDma and alcoholic NPDda (and alcoholic something something stepma and stepda). So nowhere was safe for me growing up, always a fire, always a frying pan. For me, knowing all this has been more than just getting new labels, it has helped me make sense of things in my core.

Like I said, I've had so many other hard things happen last year, I mean real big doozies. So it is even more of a miracle that I've done so much healing in the midst of all this. For me, it is no stone unturned, no more will fear and isolation rule my life. I'm not worried about future r/s, I have a ton of healing to do. I don't want to ever again go down the road I went with my ex. Instead, as I've said, I just want to be happy.

A few quotes really helped me last year:

Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

CG Jung:  I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become

A friend: Oh honey, that's 10 years on the couch and medication. It's time for you to go figure out what you want on your own pizza

 exBPDgf

[Slowlybutsurely]

Wow, thank you so much for this amazing post. It's just exactly what I needed today, and I'm going to cut and paste it so I can refer to it again.

I too am recovering from a relationship that sounds just like yours, and I had to go total NC (a year and three months ago). It has been grueling. It's taking forever to heal, but I know the only route is the one you've described--self work, etc.

I think what made my relationship so painful is that it was my first with a woman (I thought I was straight for most of my life,  ).  The intensity of the connection (or what felt like one) made it so difficult to extricate myself from the madness. It's really helpful to read the words of another woman who has been with a BPD woman. Your post also gives me hope that I will eventually heal, and that there are better things to come in the future, relationship wise.

Thanks for posting!

[exbpdgf]

Ah, slowly, thank you so much! I totally hear you. I know your posts over the last year have been extremely helpful to me too. I'm beginning to think the "sexual orientation" thing can take on a whole new meaning with BPD, in the fact that if someone is so unsure of who they are at their core, the sexuality just goes along with it. That is, they are fluid and equal opportunity destroyers, in a sense. I know that was true with my ex. In hindsight (didn't understand it at the time), I actually saw a few people repelled by her. Me, I ran in full bore to a burning building.

My T keeps reminding me that these folks have an awesome "charm offensive" (my words) and it is my job to learn to recognize this more and more. I've had several opportunities over the last year . I am getting better, seeing it earlier and earlier.

Here's to being happy, joyous and free (as they say in 12-step land)

[bpdspell]

A few quotes really helped me last year:

Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

CG Jung:  I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become

A friend: Oh honey, that's 10 years on the couch and medication. It's time for you to go figure out what you want on your own pizza

 exBPDgf

Great post. And truly happen to read about your progress. It's a tremendous amount of growth and healing required to make it to the other side of the light; but you're living proof that it can be done.

P.S. Love the quotes; particularly the last one.

Spell

[Jay08]

What is your contact status? How long?

Would you say that your over your ex partner?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you exBPDgf! I too am in a same sex r/s, (or some form of something remotely like one) with a pwBPD,  I sat here with tears streaming as I read your post.

You sound amazing, all I can muster right now is thank you, both for sharing, and food for thought.

CiF

[exbpdgf]

cardinals in flight-wow, thank you.

Jay08:  I'm about 7+ months total NC.  uh, hyeall no I'm not over my 9 year r/s with BPDgf after a year. But I am different and  I am a whole lot better, in ways unimaginable a year ago-day by day, as I stay NC and focus on MY side of the street.

And  another thing (or two or ten)... .  

Getting caught up in her would be the only outcome of breaking NC. I know it's a swamp why re-visit? I had a sponsor once tell me a knife is a knife is a knife. That is, who cares what the intention is if you are stabbed. Who cares whether she meant anything? Who cares if she meant to or didn't mean to, some people should come with warning labels. Her wounds are her wounds, my job now is to heal mine. And I think I've come a long way on that in the past year by focusing on MY side of the street. To keep going with the "stabbed in the back" metaphor:  my BPD would be like, oh so sorry I tripped or OMG you don't understand me, I fell and your back was right there, or try to convince me why indeed I really wanted to be stabbed and had in fact asked her to stab me.  On and on it goes in such twisted logic. There's no making sense out of such insanity.

I now suspect my exBPDgf's ma is BPD too. Early on I had fantasies about telling her family about her. Now I know they know. And I know they have their own "issues" (bipolar brother refusing help, BPDma, some sort of checked out control freak of fa).  All of it is not my business anyway. I have officially retired the "borderline rescue off road all-terrain vehicle".  I gave 9 years of my life to her drama and trauma. I was destroying my own life in service of "helping" her-all it did was hurt me. That is a bit of my part. Thinking that's the price I had to pay for love-hurt me.

Given my history of trauma, it's a miracle I'm not BPD. I've had several T assure me and give me their views (incl. former couples counselors who knew her). I see it as a "there but for the grace of god" thing. My T tells me it's about trauma at the right point in time (I sure had that) and some other environmental and genetics factors, perhaps.

Don't get me wrong, I still hurt, I still grieve sometimes. I've had days early on (in the first 3-4 months of no contact esp) where I had almost full days where the most I did was read lots of the workshops here and some of the "elder" posts. There are way worse ways to spends one's grieving time I think. Even more than the wisdom, to see the repeating themes and scripts helped me uncover patterns that run in my life.  In the past week or so I've sworn I see her everywhere, but I know that's about this anniversary coming up. I am so grateful for all the help I've found here. It's been my experience that we can heal.

[Jay08]

Thanks for the response, i was curious.

And your statement about her mom could be true. My ex mom i suspect is BPD also. I've read that genetics can play a role in how prone the child is given the right recipe for disaster (abandonment or neglectful parenting)

So you are probably correct on your assumptions of her mother.

Congratulations on 7 months. Im at about 2 but feel great. I couldnt imagine a relationship with someone some of lengths you guys have went through. At one and a half years i was fed up with it, I couldnt imagine doing it for years on end. Must be hard.

[OTH]

A friend: Oh honey, that's 10 years on the couch and medication. It's time for you to go figure out what you want on your own pizza

[Seb]

Wow, thank you so much for this amazing post. It's just exactly what I needed today, and I'm going to cut and paste it so I can refer to it again.

I too am recovering from a relationship that sounds just like yours, and I had to go total NC (a year and three months ago). It has been grueling. It's taking forever to heal, but I know the only route is the one you've described--self work, etc.

I think what made my relationship so painful is that it was my first with a woman (I thought I was straight for most of my life,  ).  The intensity of the connection (or what felt like one) made it so difficult to extricate myself from the madness. It's really helpful to read the words of another woman who has been with a BPD woman. Your post also gives me hope that I will eventually heal, and that there are better things to come in the future, relationship wise.

Thanks for posting!

Mine was my first same-sex relationship too. My exgf is gay but absolutely despises being gay, hates it, thinks she's abnormal, unnatural, and is totally ashamed of herself. I ignored all of the   like you did, exBPDgf, and her early warnings that she was awful and terrible and to get out whilst I could. I believed all the wonderful words and stupidly didn't demand actions to match up. I accepted constant triangulation (read definition), because I felt like I couldn't say anything. Meanwhile, when she was still in the closet to her family and most friends, I did the big family announcement  , was moving to be with her, applied to a new job where she was going to be placed (ER doc) so that we could still be together... I was the 'love of her life' after all and she wanted to marry me    Then, right when it was her turn to start backing up the words, she's gone *poof* in to thin air, never to be seen again. It was all my fault, I drove her crazy and we can never be together. 

It has been the most painful experience of my life, but also, with retrospect, the most eye-opening and life-changing (for the better). I am now so much more aware of who I am, what I'm worth, what I want out of life, and how I expect others to treat me. So for that I will be eternally grateful. Great thread!

[Oneneatguy]

exBPDgf

I read your post, thank you so much for sharing with us.  I am curious, you mentioned going to a 12 step program, which 12 step.  I saw one listed in my area for co-dependancy and was wondering which you attended and how it helped.

As easy as it is to blame my ex and say she had BPD, I know I need to look in the mirror and ask myself why did I get involved with someone like that.  The warning signs were there yet I chose to ignore them.

Thanks again,

Oneneatguy

[exbpdgf]

Hi One Neat,

Although I've probably not met a 12-step group I don't like (meaning they've all helped me), my primary program is Alanon. I love Alanon and I think it's saved my life twice, once being my recent break-up with BPDgf.

I know lots of folks who like CODA, but I prefer Alanon. I've gone back to ACA post breakup to look at childhood stuff, where everything started for me.

In my area SLAA is fantastic for looking at relationships (and unhealthy sexual patterns). I've also gone back to OA to look at how I self-medicated during my r/s with exBPDgf. I now know I've met BPDers in Alanon, OA, and SLAA. I'm learning to recognize, fend off and even avoid, better and better.

I have long-term sobriety in AA too. For me, everything started with AA and Alanon.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Thanks for this info, exBPDgf. I've heard many good things about 12-step programs, and I'm more interested than ever.

I have a question for those reading. It's kind of a dumb question. But I don't care, because you all won't judge me, I know. 

Here's the question: can someone who doesn't have any actual 'addictions' benefit from a 12-step group? I ask because I am obviously messed up to have been with my ex, and to still be pining and depressed over one year and 3 months NC. And the relationship only lasted one year. Clearly, I have problems!  And my T didn't help, because she just wasn't very bright, and she knew nothing about BPD.  I meditate, take herbal things, do all the right stuff to heal, but so far, it's just not working too well.

When I was with my ex, and she got started with SLAA (sex and love addicts), I was jealous that she had a support network for her issues. I wanted issues like that, so I could find a support group. But on the surface, I don't 'need' a group like that. Because I keep it together, somehow, even though it practically kills me inside much of the time. It's always been this way--I am strong and in control, theoretically, and I take care of everyone else. But with the whole BPD thing, I've realized things about myself that I didn't know before, and that I am kind of a mess, a bit, a little, just a teensy bit, here and there, sometimes, a tad. And I want to be truly happy, somehow. Finally.

So, are there 12-step programs for people like me?

[exbpdgf]

Hey slowly,

I'm going to be blunt ok? (sent with a huge dose of compassion):

From what I've read of your story: go to slaa and alanon. If you still feel like you  don't fit, try CODA.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi exBPDgf,

Thank you for this.  But I'm confused. Why would you think I'd need one of these groups? I'm not offended at all, of course, but I don't understand. I think I became a bit 'addicted' to the ex, for sure, but that was a first (actually, a second, if I count the first psycho evil gf I had; she made the ex look good). I'm not addicted to alcohol, and didn't really have anyone growing up who was obviously an alcoholic.

I'm struggling here... .  

I know for sure I need something more than what I'm doing. A new T might be helpful, but I haven't had good luck with therapists. They all assume that I am much more together than I am, because I appear that way. Even when I tell them I'm a mess they don't seem to believe me. And they never offer anything of value, or practical.

I'd like to be a in a support group, really. I might even be able to meet my next gf there, 

[Slowlybutsurely]

... .  actually, I will start a new post with these questions!

Thanks for your imput, exBPDgf/ 

[kauaikami]

this thread comes at such a perfect time for me and I'm so grateful you've all shared about your journey of healing.  With the ringing in of the new year, after about a year of concious trying to detach (he is like a pitbull with his teeth sunk in) I been telling myself since the fireworks went off at midnite that This is The Year... .  and I been telling myself everyday since that by This Time Next Year,  I will be well on my way, feeling, saying and doing all the positive and proactive things for MySelf that has been mentioned here.  This thread is empowering me More!  I am taking Control Back of My life.  I am stopping myself from allowing someone else rob me of my spirit.  I am stopping Defending Myself over delusions and twisted allusions.  And by this time next year, I hope to be as strong as you are today on your one year anniversary.   I too am going to cut and paste so I can refer back to this cuz I know I am feeling strong, but I know its not going to be an easy and pleasant journey either... .  but I know its the right path and that in order to save myself, I have to walk it... .  because I deserve a peaceful and safe life for myself and my kids.  Besides, my oldest boy told me I have to.  Just kidding.  I mean, he did, but that was just the catalyst to making me be very serious about any delusions I had and to get a real grip on recycling, FOG and all of that.  Time to buck up and take one good long hard look at Myself.  Get Away from the disruptions of a relationship with a pwBPD!

How many times do I hafta post before I am allowed on the Self Inventory board?   

A quick side note... .  my ex is not officially diagnosed.  He is "verbally" dx'd with Bipolar with psychosis/schizoaffective affect... .  but BPD also fits him perfectly.  very complicated "case".  I sure know how to pick 'em.

thinking i should try hook up with co-dependent group as part of my healing process, not sure if there is one on this little rock in the middle of the pacific ocean.

thanx again.  now that I have Me time, I'll spend more time here getting to know you all better... .  thank you for such encouragment.

[Surnia]

exBPDgf

Thank you so much for you post! Great improvements! I am happy with you. 

I have to post it again: 

A friend: Oh honey, that's 10 years on the couch and medication. It's time for you to go figure out what you want on your own pizza.

kauaikami

I am stopping myself from allowing someone else rob me of my spirit.

Hang in there! You can do it.

To answering your last question: You need 50 posts to write on the Self Inventory Board.

[Blazing Star]

exBPDgf, loving your post!   

So good to hear a story from 'the other side'! You sound healthy and happy, and like you have a handle on things! Keep looking after yourself - You are important.

Love Blazing Star

[Cardinals in Flight]

To Seb and Slowlybutsurely... .  

Another one here who thought she was straight all of her life    Everyone knew but me, when I came out? nobody was surprised, LOL.

anyway, my pwBPD was my second r/s, my first r/s was "normal", we parted as friends and our break-up was amicable.

When we (as in all of us here) find a therapist and don't feel we are truly being heard, it's time to find a new one, IMO.  I've had my current T for over ten years.  My journey with my pwBPD has been my most diffucult yet and without my T I'd been in a much different place for sure!

My issues of co-dependency resurfaced with a vengence when I met my pwBPD so all of the work shops/lessons here on the board were greatly useful as well.  I had to have my butt kicked a few times and? it's always humbling to realize our role in our relationship and how we helped to fuel the fires.

At any rate, good luck to my sappho sisters, as well as everyone else here in this thread as detachment/break-ups/staying/leaving... .  man it ain't easy, OMG.

CiF

(ok, for my medical friends? everytime I type my new moniker, I want to type CDiff, LOL. I'm sucha nerd  )

[exbpdgf]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I am so touched and grateful.

I just ran into someone that I'd not seen since before the breakup. He's clearly been in touch with her and he kept saying nice things about her. I had to keep biting my lip from saying "oh, you just don't get it do you". I said yup, I'm better off and yup, I just want to be happy and I hope she's happy somewhere (she certainly wasn't with me). Wow that was hard! And a bit triggering, to say the least.

Wanted to say one last thing regarding 12-step groups: I don't want to under-estimate impact of SLAA. I'd done lots of work there (in fact where I met my exBPDgf), so I always had a sort of compass regarding the sexual issues (whether it was lack of sex or me feeling weirdly objectified, not deepening with intimacy, etc. etc). That is, because I'd been to SLAA, I'd seen miracles for other people. I knew what I wanted. I was not going to stay in a r/s that was not good sexually. I said that many times in my r/s. She couldn't argue with this part. That is the #1 issue I "hung my hat on" even when I was so in the FOG with everything else. So I think SLAA saved my life too.

[exbpdgf]

And I read what I first wrote below to my T this week. I felt so vulnerable afterwards, even though all she did was give me good, supportive, encouraging feedback. I kept wanting to edit it when I read it too. Funny how it was so much easier to write this than to share with a T I've been working with for 9+ years.