Replacement bad child?

[SonOfAQueenWitch]

Hi all,

This is a curious question I have, really directed more to Ts out there: If a "bad child" goes NC from a Borderline (diagnosed) mother, and there are other children in the family (in my case two - a younger and an older brother), does over time another one of the children become the "bad" child? After all, the original "bad" child is no longer around to beat up on. I am talking longer term NC, like five years or more.

Thanks for any insights.

[Gerda]

At least in my family, whoever is good or bad has changed over time.

I am the middle child of three, but my older sister is much older than me, so she moved out of the house when I was very little, and I grew up as functionally the oldest child.

When my younger sister and I were kids, she was the "baby" and could do no wrong. I was the "mature" one and was supposed to just put up with everything she did, even if it was something like hurting my physically, or destroying my things.

When we became teenagers and my parents got divorced, I became my mom's best friend and surrogate spouse, and now my little sister was the bad one, the rebellious one doing drugs and stuff.

Now that I'm NC with my mom, and my little sister is still naughty and rebellious (in my mom's eyes), and moved out to live with our dad, she's now gotten real close with our older sister, who she never really had much to do with before (being pretty open about how she doesn't love her as much as her other kids because she wasn't an intended pregnancy), but since my younger sister and I have "abandoned" her, now she's got a new favorite child.

So yes, when children do things like grow up, move out, get married, etc., they can switch to other siblings who will better meet their needs.

[SonOfAQueenWitch]

That is an interesting dynamic. Thanks for this.

In my family, there were at first two of us. My older brother was considered the "genius" and the good child, and I, as the second. 1 1/2 year younger, the eternal idiot. Blunt speak, but that was the setup. My older brother ended up being diagnosed as psychotic, extremely manipulative, controlling, and angry, but because he was determined, was the "good" child. I was considered too "feeling", "weak", and overall under performing. My dad was not part of this emotional package, but unfortunately he died when I was 17. He did enough, though, in the recovery to let me have a fulfilling and interesting career, and a happy marriage.

Three years before he died, a younger brother came into the family (14 years younger than me). My BDM had already fixed the picture - I was the failure, my older brother would win a Nobel prize (so far, he hasn't, and I think people forget it's called the Nobel PEACE Prize... .  ). I did all I could to protect my younger brother from this, but it was hard - she moved herself and him back overseas (Europe), and I remained in the US.

My younger brother had shared his own feelings with me about our mother, and they were pretty rejecting, as mine. Actually, they were even more severe, saying his only option was to go after her inherited money. (I had already determined inheritance in my life is symbolic, and I'd rather earn my own income rather than being blackmailed.)

When I went NC, he had a turn of heart and started painting me as the bad guy, even though he had told me things about how he felt about her that were even stronger than my own feelings.

What I wonder about, now that I, the truly "bad" guy of the family  is out after five years of NC, is if he is becoming the new target. The relationship between her and my older brother is so tight that if he told her the sky is purple, she'd yell at anyone for even suggesting it might be blue. But what is the role of the youngest, now that I am gone. Obviously she has gotten to him to switch sides against me, but now that I am out of the picture, what is she doing to him?

[Gerda]

It sounds to me like you're worried about your younger brother, and I understand how that feels. I'm also worried about my older sister, now that my mom has turned most of her attention on her. My older sister's husband is abusive, so she's turned to our mom for support (financially AND emotionally), but I wish she had someone better than that to turn to. Our mom doesn't seem a whole lot better. I'm sure that she wants to "rescue" my sister from her situation (she's talking about helping her move out by actually paying for a place for her to live) so that my sister will OWE her and mom can keep her more under her control. Mom never gives anything without strings attached.

I'm just not sure what we can do about it, if anything. Maybe one of the T's will chime in.