xmas eve nightmare...

[wishingwell17]

On christmas eve mu uBPDbf did not like one of my responses to his provocations. He was clearly stating all his future plans as "I". I should not have taken the bait, but to be honest I am tired of his almost daily provocations and his efforts to create instability between us by unilaterally changing plans on a whim. In any event, he became angry in a restaurant and I just got up and left, walked home. He argued with me the whole way home and in poor form I participated. In hindsight I should have taken a different route.

When we got home he was so angry(raging) he told me to "get out", went into our spare bedroom and pulled all my things from the closet and threw them on the floor. He was manic in his actions. Grabbing garbage bags and shoving my things into them. I asked for him to stop repeatedly. The only thing which finally got him to pause was when I went to his office and sat in his chair in front of his computer. He said "Get out of my chair and office!" I said I would as soon as he "got out" of my things as well.

I said "You have asked me to get all my ___ out on xmas eve, in the middle of the night. Is this really what you want? You are breaking our agreement, again, to not end the relationship in times of conflict".

It got worse, he used things I shared with him about my past relationships against me. He was as mean as mean can get.

Here is the kicker; I returned it on equal ground. I was as nasty, as mean, and to be honest, so brutal I hardly recognized myself.

He stopped.

The next day ( christmas ) was calm. We went about our scheduled plans with little discussion and no real interaction. No one around us would have guessed.

I waited 2 days to see if he would put my things back. He did not. I took the time to pack them up and remove them when he was not home.

I was not able to put them back and clean up his anger. It made me feel like a parent putting away a four year olds tantrum.

I felt sick about the things I said, the person I allowed myself to be during this rage. I met him on his level. I felt sick.

The evening after I removed my things. (I have no idea if he has even noticed that I took them back to my studio, even now) I sat down and explained to him that I was sorry for how I behaved. The words and actions were hurtful. That there is NO reason to ever communicate in this way to someone I love. That I know the things about him which annoy me and I love him anyway, for me to use things like this in an argument is as bad as it gets and i was ashamed of my behavior.

I told him I do NOT want to be this person I saw in myself. I told him that if this is what was required to be with him, I am not capable. I will not participate. I never mentioned what he said or used any blame. I only spoke to my own accountability, my own behaviors.

He made some excuses, said people say thing during fights... .  I just kept repeating, "not like this, this is abusive".

He seemed to finally take me seriously. Maybe the combo of me meeting him in is rage and my ability to be disgusted in myself, or that I did not bring anything he said to the table... .  I'm not sure. He remained calm and showed some humility and some accountability. 

The bigger issue between us still remains. I requested a "pre-nup" of sorts for cohabitation. We want to move into a new place, he has no money(and serious and substantial debt) and I have funds and no debt. I want to buy and have legal papers, he refuses to sign any papers stating it does not meet his concept of how relationships merge. My reply is the same every time; the papers are for both of us, we will create them together.

He says I am looking at the end, instead of "pooling" our resources (huh? pooling what?) and being a "real" couple.

This feels so complicated at times I don't feel I am even able to communicate it in a post. The closest thing to describe his response to my request to be adult and mature about how we enter an agreement, especially with our history, is that it feels like emotional blackmail. "if you trusted me you would not ask this... .  ? I say this is not mature and an equal response would be "If you trusted me you would not hesitate". I have not responded this way. I have just held my boundary to needing papers and not discussed content.

I do know I will not move forward without a legal description of his debt and what I am coming in with in this agreement.

If he does not get his way I think he will leave, which I have to admit, after what happened on xmas eve, what I endured, how I responded, is very likely the best route.

He want to go to a therapist to discuss, but I have to pay for it because he has no funds.

He added "If I had the money I would spend it on us... .  " This is something for which I will likely never really know. And, feels like more emotional blackmail.

Again, I have stepped back, investing in myself and keeping it all superficial while I sort my feelings. I'm still on this board because I have not firmly committed to leaving or staying. I'm just doing A LOT of reading here and have added in some reading about inaction vs action, the stuck place I feel I am in, and what I can do to work through it and reach a decision. 

It feels to me we are moving away from each other since xmas eve. In the past this bothered me, I would want to know if he was coping by putting up dating sites... .  this time I can honestly say I don't care anymore.

I'm thankful this resource is here and grateful to all of you who share your stories and advice. It is clearly sinking in and helping me in more ways than I can count.

best, ww

[Seahorse1]

Hi wishing well,

Sorry you had a rough Christmas Eve... .  So did I . Mine got pissed off because I wanted to sleep and he wanted to have sex... .  

It turned into an argument and like you I participated... .  I provoked him... .  : when I know better, but we are only human... .  

Any way he ended up getting violent with me... ( first time ever) on Christmas Eve!

Any way like you... .  I am the one with money, and he has cost me thousands... .  

Mine wanted to get married and was actually fine with and the one to suggest a prenup ... .  

It is your right to protect your self financially... .  

Mine also wanted to go to counciling which is fantastic , but again would be on my dime... .  

And yes I was reluctant to invest more money into a relationship that I'm not sure will ever work... .  

Any way we are currently broken up again... .  

I like you have said very mean things out of anger, frustration and fear... .  

So you are not alone... .  

[Seahorse1]

Also just picked up on your comment about dating sites... .  

Yep... .  That's the first thing mine does too... .  

[OTH]

You are not responsible for him having little money. You want to make an adult decision concerning your financial security and the difficult relationship you are in. That is a boundary I would not let slide.

He doesn't have a leg to stand on and yes he is trying to guilt you into it.

Again, I have stepped back, investing in myself and keeping it all superficial while I sort my feelings.

[hithere]

It got worse, he used things I shared with him about my past relationships against me. He was as mean as mean can get.

Here is the kicker; I returned it on equal ground. I was as nasty, as mean, and to be honest, so brutal I hardly recognized myself.

He stopped

I felt sick about the things I said, the person I allowed myself to be during this rage. I met him on his level. I felt sick.

Wow, total deja vu, this was exactly me about 2 years ago, it only spiraled down from there.  I thought fighting back might make her realize how painful the things she said to me were but she just used them to justify even worse behaviour and painting me black.  The momentary hesitation you felt was not something getting better, it is probably the calm before the storm.

The bigger issue between us still remains. I requested a "pre-nup" of sorts for cohabitation. We want to move into a new place, he has no money(and serious and substantial debt) and I have funds and no debt.

Since you are in the undecided section I will tell you this:

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

I have read so many stories on this forum about people like you, 5, 10 or 20 years in the future and it is a nightmare, once you have kids and support him nothing will change, it will get worse... .  

good luck

[wishingwell17]

seahorse: thank you for your words. I hope you are taking care of yourself? Violence is very scary.

I have not decided about therapy with him. I have ordered a book for him that my counselor suggested we try.

I will see how this small step works and if he invests himself in reading it. two years ago I presented a few books and he laughed at me and tossed them away.

OTH: Funny ( sort of?), my emotional boundaries need much work, my fiscal ones? Not-so-much.    In fact, there is NO chance I will let this one slide. I'm experiencing a strange release of sorts as he tries to force through this fiscal boundary. It is somehow showing me how I can be just as strong with my emotional boundaries and not feel bad... .  at all. Or, I'm hoping?

Hithere: Thank you. It was very strange how when I was explaining how I felt about my poor behavior he acted as if he was not at all responsible for the same behavior. When I told him I was ashamed, he had no reaction. It's like he is completely unaware of how damaging this style of communication can be. This was very bizarre. Almost like he did not participate and I was the only one being so awful.

And, I do understand that when I hold to this boundary(fiscal), he will blow again and tell me I do not trust him. And, if I do not acknowledge his integrity by not asking for this document I am throwing the relationship away. ( he already said this, so... .  )

My friends all know my financial status and his, they believe he will buckle and sign it as to not let me go, and they all advise me to withdraw the offer and leave the relationship based on "fundamental differences" before it comes up again. This is one of the things I am thinking about.

I am also thinking about preparing ahead of time and paying for one or two 2-hour sessions with a T and use the time to end the relationship with a third party present. I'm not sure yet if this is a good idea or bad one. Curious if anyone else has tried this route to break-up? Paying 3-4 hundred dollars to be able to end all of this may be a good investment and save me a whole lot more. It feels somewhat deceptive to know it going in, but I do not feel emotionally safe going to "end game" on my own at the moment. It would also be a safe place for me to request NC, as I know I will need it based on his past behaviors.

Whenever I ask him to check my ideas of conflict resolution techniques or pre-nups, etc., with his friends or anyone in the "real world" he claims they are not in our relationship and so this "reality check" has no value. (I'm learning why he is in such devastating debt by experiencing his decision making skills through all of this).

The upside of this awful holiday event is that in stepping back and investing in my friends and family, I can see what a wonderful support group I have and feel happy as well as grateful for the endless patience of my family and friends. And, very grateful for all the information, experience and kind words I have found on this board.

Boy oh boy, I have some work to do.

thank you all, again. 

[OTH]

You sound like you are thinking a bit outside the FOG.

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Having a third party present isn't a bad idea. If you can ease out of the relationship as described... .  even better. Good luck

[hithere]

they believe he will buckle and sign it as to not let me go

He might do anything to not lose you but even though a pre-nup might protect your cash, there are still many ways for him to make your life a living-hell and BPD's are very good at that.

may be a good investment and save me a whole lot more

A few hundred bucks for piece of mind or a better break-up is a bargain but don't keep you hopes up too high, it will likely be a nightmare regardless if there is a 3rd party involved or not.  Generally speaking, softening the blow does not work with BPD's, they are just in their own world.

Again, because you still sound very grounded, get-out and do it like a band-aid... .  quick.

[wishingwell17]

OTH and hithere,

I hear you both and thank you. My udBPDbf is doing the classic after rage "perfect" at the moment. This time I am using it for me to get all my ducks in a row. Detach, get my spirit in order, voraciously reading books which support my decision making skills, letting go of the co-dependent traits, and will soon get us to a T to begin the route I hope will give me the highest degree of success in ending without too much drama.

hithere: I understand what you are saying about "being in their own world". I'm not fooling myself anymore (I hope). I have drawn diagrams for him to explain how he invests in his world, somewhat in our r/s and not at all in my person. Alternatively I invest in me, us, and him. The look on his face is that this concept is completely foreign to him and I am nuts for thinking/wanting or needing my partner to be supportive to something I do on my own ( with exception of the gym, which indirectly STILL benefits him if I am fit and looking my best).

I do feel I am outside the FOG, it is a daily struggle to stay here. I have put notes in my iphone to remind me at randomn of my goals and to nurture myself, breathe and honor my instincts. I worry my strength, boundaries, and detachment will encourage him staying in his "delightful" mode. And I will be breaking up with the guy I do love... .  ugh. I need to go back and read my journals of the last 2 years again. I annoy myself with my denial and irrational optimism at times.

I do think what I will lay out in counseling will trigger him. I do believe I will hear how I am paranoid, distrustful, moody, and a general pain in the backside. I am preparing myself to accept whatever he says and understand someone who is not able to regulate themselves, enmeshed in me, someone who takes on my feelings and emotions (and exaggerates them back) would definitely feel this way. And I am in the process of accepting I am not the person who can manage my own feelings x 2.

Bandage rip: I can't figure out why I have a fear of ripping off the bandage and doing it quick. I'm not sure if I do not want to be like him? (He has broken up with my in rage more times than I can count). I was so disappointed in myself for how I met him at his level of anger on xmas eve. I'm not sure if I am trying to avoid a situation which could have me go there again? I am realistic that I may not have a choice about how it happens, he may rip it off himself, again, this will not shock me. This time, however, it really needs to be the end and I must resist asking "Is this what you really want?" to help him back out of his rage and into reality... .  rather, just allow it to "be done".

In the last couple of days I have realized how much I have learned about myself through this awful challenge. I'm trying to use the power of gratefulness to give me the strength I will need to leave someone I truly do love, even if I do not like their behaviors most of the time, at all. And more importantly, remain away.

thanks again for all your words and encouragement. It makes a difference 

[OTH]

You sound like you have a good plan. I hope it goes well.