uBPD mother at it again

[WiseMind]

Hi all,

I've been around on and off, learning how to have a very superficial relationship with my uBPD mother. Seems she's at it again and here's the story.

I am graduating with my masters degree in a few weeks. My husband and I decided to throw a celebratory party with our friends and family a couple weeks after that. My mother and father live out of town and would need to fly in, so we gave them about 6-8 wks notice when the party is. In years past they have both traveled to visit me, but this time my mother replied that she might come. Actually she said 'one of us will be there.' Her excuse: that her cats might not have a sitter for that weekend. She goes out of town all the time to visit my sister and her family and has a family friend stay at the house to watch the cats. All of a sudden, she might not be able to find a sitter (she has multiple people she pays to stay with the cats, and the weekend isn't a holiday or otherwise significant weekend where no one would be available to help) so she's a 'maybe'. I know with her past behavior of ruining my undergraduate college graduation by throwing a fit and driving home early, making everything all about her, and with her jealously of anything I do to better myself that this is simply her way of trying to get me to beg or feel badly. I will NOT beg, no way. I did feel like crap today when I found out she was a 'maybe' but I am trying to accept that we will never have the kind of unconditional loving relationship I always hoped we'd have. I know that is not to be but it still hurts me. She is very selfish and if it isn't about her then she's not interested. She also thrives on drama. Anyway, my husband's parents are both coming and I am thankful for that, as well as that my father will likely come. I guess I just wanted to get this all out of my system and I thank you for reading.

- WiseMind

[123Phoebe]

Hi WiseMind

This hurts, no doubt about it

What I had to do in order to deal with my mom's way out behaviors, was to accept that she's mentally ill.  Doesn't make it any easier when what we want is a natural, balanced, mature mother-daughter relationship, but it helps take the sting out of it.  Our mothers are not emotionally mature; they're like children at their core, and mean one's at that sometimes!

Stepping way back and just kinda observing her acting out behaviors, not taking them personally (it took a while and sometimes I still get rattled, but for not nearly as long - more like ew, shake it off) while still going forward with my life and plans, miraculously helped me to develop real compassion for her... .  

Your mother is obviously very troubled or why wouldn't she want to be a part of something so wonderful - her daughter getting her Master's degree!  Wow!  Congratulations!

It's hard (emotionally) detaching from our mother's of all people.  You've invited her, she'll come or she won't; that's on her.  No reason to beg, feel bad or guilty or anything of the sort. 

Enjoy your party surrounded by people that know how to show they really care!  You've accomplished a lot; something to feel very good about

[WiseMind]

Thank you, 123Phoebe for your kind words. I still find myself having trouble accepting compliments; I actually get teary eyed and choked up. But thank you very much for yours.

WM

[forgottenarm]

I agree with everything 123Phoebe said.  I've come to the same place in thinking about my mom.  I just have to accept her as she is, and realize that she's not capable of celebrating my accomplishments with me the way I would like.  It's hard, but that's the reality.

It's wonderful you're graduating with your masters, though.  Way to go!  It sounds like you'll have a number of supporters there to share in your happiness.  In the end, that's all that matters.  Enjoy the people who will be there and be glad you have them in your life.  When I look back over my life and realize how many wonderful people have "adopted" me at various stages, I feel truly blessed.  Indeed, I wonder if people with normal moms ever get to experience that.  It's kind of a neat gift, to see how giving people can be.  I hope you'll feel that way, too, on your big day  

[WiseMind]

forgottenarm, thank you. I do stop sometimes and realize how many wonderful people there are and who care for me. It definitely helps lift my spirits and I also strive to be that person for others.

WM

[Tyhand21]

My nursing school graduation was a year after my parents horrible divorce. While I invited them both to the ceremony and party, I requested that they attend alone so less drama would be likely. Dad said no problem but mom threw a fit and refused to attend unless her new boyfriend that I had not even ever met be included. For the first time in my life I stood my ground and told her it was my day not hers. She chose not to come. Two weeks later she flew from Ohio to CA to attend my brother's graduation from a computer repair program. Did I mention she was without the boyfriend? So selfish... .