Mom "needs" me again

[MKG1015]

BPDmom is having her hip replaced (she is 57). She is having the surgery at the beginning of February and going to a rehab facility after. However she has requested I come home and "be with" her during the first week she is out of rehab. The issues with this are as follows:

1. I am closing on my very first house this week

2. She claims she will pay for my airfare yet has no money (I live in VA, she in OH)

3. if she can somehow pay for the ticket, I will have no car since she is blind and does not drive

4. she lives in a teeny tiny 1 bedroom apartment where I would be expected to sleep on her little loveseat

5. I am a temp which means if I don't work, I don't get paid and with a mortgage on the way I need the $$$

And last but not at all least

I. do. not. want. to.

I know I am awful for saying this but I can not go and baby her the way she has always wanted me too. She has been trying to make me take care of her full time ever since I left for college. This is her dream come true: she is helpless and now I will *have* to be there for her. She goes back and forth between the Waif and the Witch, this the Waif at her finest.

Unfortunately she is dead wrong about me dropping everything. She has chosen (yes she picked the dates) the time when I am absolutely unable to help her. She says today that she understands. What that means is that, in a week or a few days, she will begin throwing it in my face that I am not there. It will start with the "well since you can't be bothered to come home and help me... .  " and will deteriorate rapidly from there.

I have set the boundaries by telling her "no" and giving her the reasons why. I will stick to this no matter what. I am just not looking forward to verbal and emotional abuse that is in store for me over the next few months.

[tryingtogetit]

Well done  for saying no! 

It's so hard to say no to a parent anyway. In your case there's the added guilttrip of her being blind!

So yeah, do feel good about telling her the only decision you could make and sticking to it!

What I think makes it a good decision is that you have approached it both rationally and emotionally in a balanced way. And then stated it clearly and directly. It's all a part of setting limits etc

Of course you don't need to do for anybody what feels wrong and is a huge inconvenience/ sacrifice from your part. And you shouldn't be 'guilted' in to anything. But esp parents have a way to guilt you alright.

Aside from her sending you more guilt later on, do expect calls from others (aunts, friends, cousins) trying to do the same. Just tell them the same thing but do not go into discussing too much because they might start giving 'solutions'.

Just stick with it and do so the next time when it feels wrong or doesn't work.

I would suggest to feel free to do something on your terms, it there's such a thing.

Say if your instinct is to send her flowers or whatever do so. If only as not to feel guilty about it, to feel good about yourself.

This may be new to her but she will learn that you can set and hold limits and that you have contact on your terms.

So well done, you're doing great!

[gottafixit]

My exBPDwife does that constantly to our daughter, to the point where my daughter gets a knot in her stomach just to call her.  My daughter will sometimes call me first to see if I have been in touch with mom to see what "mood" she is in today?

Luckily, my daughter's T has taught her (and she's better at it than me) to set those boundaries and say no in a nice but firm way.  She "pays the price" for it later but hoping in the long term if we both do that maybe it will help?

[tryingtogetit]

Of course it will help gottafix!

And to both you and MKG, it will get easier!

There will be a point that the BPDm will actually get used to it. Might even show understanding without pulling a guilttrip! Really!

But you'll have to put up with more guilt being putshed your way and not only from the mother... .  Just stick to it, they don't know what's going on.

If you what is right and fair for you, set the boundary and keep it.

Nowadays my mother actually asks and disucusses with mewhat works out, as opposed to arranging everything without me knowing and then demanding I do something right then.

So yeah, as long as you know you've been fair, you'll believe in yourself and the guilt won't stick. That will help you being consistent and make them change their approach.

Never say no and later give in! That'll only show that they can change your mind and they'll never accept your opinion!

Good luck

[GeekyGirl]

I like how you've set boundaries with your mother, and it sounds like you've tried to validate her feelings and give her some very logical and sound reasons why you can't stay with her as she recovers.  Just remember the tools (SET in particular) and if she starts to criticize you in the coming weeks, be empathetic and understanding, but keep the boundaries that you've set.

Would you be able to pop in to see her periodically and not stay with her? Do you think that she's scared of the recovery and/or being alone on top of the want to be taken care of?

[Eeoye1]

YAY... .  good for you!  APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE.  I dont have much else to say but wanted to tell you how great you did.  As far as the coming storm... .  grab an umbrella and just keep going. 

[UpwardAndOnward]

good for you! i can relate to you so much with this story. My mother is the same age as yours. The only reason I went out of state for college was to escape her.She thrives on being helpless and will do anything to have others take care of her. When I was living at home, my dad was sick with cancer and had arthritis so bad he could hardly walk. I remember seeing him take care of HER because she claimed to be sick. It disgusted me so bad, i moved out shortly after.

You have to remember that she has no regard for your life/reality. It is sad that she cant be there enjoying your new house with you and helping you like other moms would. It is sad that she asked you to come do this knowing all the things you just explained. My mom has never been able to hold a job in her life... .  and she completely doesnt understand what its like. I work two jobs and am exhausted half the time. I dont have the energy for her- she is the most draining person Ive ever been around. Last year she had an elective surgery done and milked it for about 4 months. Pushing everyone in her life far away from her because of how pathetic she was-- she loved it... and it was an ELECTIVE surgery. You cant beat yourself up for this. You are doing something that was extremely hard to learn as the child of a BPD- putting your feelings and needs ahead of hers. Its sad she puts you in the situation to have to, but i just cant explain how much I have related to that my whole life. Dont let your guilt force you to listen to her- if she starts throwing jabs at you, end the phone call and be grateful for the distance between you. and if she calls back over and over (thats what mine would do) dont listen to the vm and call her when your prepared. Feeling for your sitaution!

[tryingtogetit]

I totally second that upward! Well done you!

[MKG1015]

All-

Thank you for your support and, in some cases, applause.  I have stuck to my guns and not gone home. She had the surgery today and is doing just fine. The last few days have been very tough with her needling/crying/whining/begging me to come home. BUT I made it through and she is now in the care of the hospital and the rehab center after that.

tryingtogetit-

Thank you for the suggestion of flowers. Unfortunately I do not usually think of things like that so you mentioning it was helpful to me! I sent her cookies from her favorite place in town with a little nurse teddy bear. And I sent them b/c I *wanted* to and not b/c I felt an obligation to which made me feel good. Thank you again for the suggestion.

Eeoye1-

As far as the coming storm... .  grab an umbrella and just keep going.

This made me laugh but is totally true. I am happy to say I have weathered the storm so far and don't plan on breaking anytime soon.

Thank you all for reading and caring. I am sending you wishes of success in recovering from the abuse we all have suffered.

[tryingtogetit]

Thanks for your update MKG,

It's good to hear you sat it out and stood your ground. Well done!

It's very positive that we could make a difference for you so thanks, good to know!

Now, in my experience she will learn from this and start asking you, negotiating. Although there might still be remarks and guilttrips coming your way!

But I think you can handle that.

Good luck!