1st appt with lawyer and feeling anxious...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Met with my attorney for the first time today.  Despite all of the problems, the debt, the verbal abuse, I still somehow feel disloyal when I discuss these issues with the attorney. 

My BPDh doesn't want a divorce, and will show up at my office, at home, call, etc. crying.  He used to just yell and be angry, but now it is crying.  I really feel sorry for him, but also feel like I'm emotionally and financially sinking in the situation.  He has always been so needy, and with 3 kids and a full-time job, things just get harder to handle.  Maybe the worst part is that I have lost any sense of respect and trust.  I set boundaries, and he has no self-control to stick by them. While I understand that is part of the BPD condition, it continues to make my life like a babysitting job. 

In some ways I feel like I want someone to tell me that I am doing the "right" thing in seeking a divorce, regardless of how he feels about it. I've tried to stick it out for 22 years. At the same time, just writing this out helps me see that it is the right thing for me and for our kids. It is funny to care so much about the reaction of someone that has never had any real regard for me as a person... .  until I decided it was over.

[thinkingthinking]

Met with my attorney for the first time today.  Despite all of the problems, the debt, the verbal abuse, I still somehow feel disloyal when I discuss these issues with the attorney. 

My BPDh doesn't want a divorce, and will show up at my office, at home, call, etc. crying.  He used to just yell and be angry, but now it is crying.  I really feel sorry for him, but also feel like I'm emotionally and financially sinking in the situation.  He has always been so needy, and with 3 kids and a full-time job, things just get harder to handle.  Maybe the worst part is that I have lost any sense of respect and trust.  I set boundaries, and he has no self-control to stick by them. While I understand that is part of the BPD condition, it continues to make my life like a babysitting job. 

In some ways I feel like I want someone to tell me that I am doing the "right" thing in seeking a divorce, regardless of how he feels about it. I've tried to stick it out for 22 years. At the same time, just writing this out helps me see that it is the right thing for me and for our kids. It is funny to care so much about the reaction of someone that has never had any real regard for me as a person... .  until I decided it was over.

[gina louise]

kim0914,

Only you know what's right for you, and only you know the amount of time effort, pain and tears you have put into making your r/s work.

If trust and respect are important to you, personally-and he's had 22 years to "man up" (so to speak... .  ) then you probably have done all that's humanly possible. the rest has to come from his side.

I feel your sadness in your words. I too will miss parts of my r/s with my H... .  and we only had 4 years together.

But I could not carry him-when he felt like not working for months on end, when our finances were drained again, and again,

when he wanted a social life but tried to make sure I didn't enjoy it with him. I felt like his Mom at times, or a room mate.

A buddy. Not a partner.

And sometimes I was the scapegoat, the whipping post. The one he blamed for all that was bad in his life.

I wanted to stay married, attend counseling but he decided that one chance was it, and I "failed" to jump at that chance months ago.

I felt disloyal too, but the truth is that my HUSBAND left our marriage many months before we actually separated.

You and your children will find peace, and hopefully your HUSBAND will too.

keep reading and posting,

GL

GL

[ForeverDad]

Think too of the example you're setting for the children.  Should they, when grown, seek out a relationship like mom and dad?  Should they seek someone like dad - or mom?  Should they try to be like dad - or mom?

They may not consciously do that, but so many of our members here have found themselves unwittingly married to someone very much like their disordered parent.  They didn't know to seek out functional relationships, all they had known was living in a home ruled by dysfunctional behaviors, either acting-out or coping/appeasing.

[armsreach]

Kim0914, your post could have been written by me. I have a consult with a lawyer next week, and feel a bit nervous/unsettled.  But, to echo ForeverDad, whenever I start having doubts that I'm doing the right thing, I look at my children (they are all very small) and vow that they will NOT watch mom put up with this behavior from dad. I want to be a positive role model for what a relationship should/could be. I don't want them thinking the strained, difficult, turbulent r/s I've had with my h until now is "normal" or what love looks like.

[livednlearned]

I remember similar feelings. My N/BPDx was verbally abusive, alcoholic, bipolar, very menacing, and yet I still worried about him. I worried about how he was going to react when I left, I worried how hurt he was going to be, I worried about him committing suicide.

But divorcing him is the best thing I have ever done for myself. Mary Oliver has a poem called "The Journey" that I read, and it feels like a battle cry for those of us in BPD r/s.

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice --

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do --

determined to save

the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(Dream Work)

[ForeverDad]

Found on our Article Reviews board:  The Bridge

[thinkingthinking]

THANK YOU for the supportive words, poem,  and wonderful article!  There are just days when the sadness of it all makes me feel paralyzed, but reading these things reminds me that I'm not alone. Hopefully moving forward with the divorce will put me back in a place where I can think about my own needs and future. Scary since I haven't been able to do that in a very long time, but I know I will figure it out. Need to shoe myself the benefit of the same patience that I have given others.

[Matt]

Once you have made this decision, I think it's important to get some emotional distance from the other party.  If you are still living in the same home that may be very difficult, but if you can at least live in different rooms that might help.  Spend as little time together as possible, and don't engage emotionally - just talk about practical things.

Keep looking for ways to get more distance.  That will make it a little easier over time.

[minkmink]

Kim,

You are supposed to feel badly. You just went to an attorney to get away from a very sick person that takes it out on the world by being as mean and spiteful as he can be.

I just went to an attorney a couple of days ago. Yes, I am divorcing my h for the second time. Yep, you heard it a 2x loser. Me. I shoulda coulda woulda not married him the second time but I was SOO still in love with the need to rescue him to feel like I had value (working on that with my T).

I finally learned and this is not over. By any means.

When I told him face to face is a soft voice that I was divorcing him he cried. CRIED! After 7 long years of abuse, abuse, abuse. He CRIED. Now that is sick. He does not want the divorce. Well, of course not. He got to stay grounded in hate and abuse to the people around him and now he is alone. He has his dog but doesn't even give the dog a clean bowl for water. And if I have any way of getting that dog away from him I will. May God help me I will.

Do not and I mean it! Do not feel sorry for him. 22 years! How much longer do you have on this earth. You were meant to deal with your own life. It is a gift. Do not give it to him. As it is said... .  this is no dress rehearsal.

Oh, and if you haven't have enough after the divorce... .  marry him again. Just like me and go through another "how many years?" before you finally throw in the towel.

I actually had the appointment with the attorney on the anniversary of our wedding day (the first one). I did not mean to do that. I think that the universe is with me. Oh, and believe me, when we were together there was no gifts, flowers, soft touches on our anniversary (either one of them). I used to do something but that fell by the way side too. I have a 5 pound rib roast in the freezer that I was going to cook for him for Christmas. it never got cooked because I moved out when I found out he stole $100,000 from our marital savings. When I get that money back I'll cook the dang thing for my new friends whomever they shall be.

Mink

[thinkingthinking]

I do think emotional distance has been key.  We have kids which makes NC impossible, but I have been able to limit contact over the last week.

Problem remains that I have this "dream" of my BPDh being able to remain civil and participate in kids' activities despite separation and eventually divorce.  Last night our D11 was invited to a banquet that we both needed to attend.  Just the fact that I was civil/nice to him seemed to make him think that I was still interested in fixing our relationship.  I don't want to be in a situation where every time I make the effort to have us both there for the kids, he takes it as the "all clear" sign, and I have to reiterate that I'm done with this relationship. 

I'm afraid of his reaction when divorce papers are served, but think that may be the only thing that finally gets him to see that he needs to move on. 

[Matt]

It's important to be very consistent.  Don't talk to him about anything except practical matters related to the kids.  Don't talk to him about the divorce or any other emotional issues.  Use e-mail only.

If you give him any reason to believe you don't mean what you say, it will take longer for him to accept it.

[gina louise]

kim0914,

take what minkmink said and apply it to yourself tenfold. You have kids to consider and help guide. Do you want the most disordered person you know to be in close contact with your children day in and day out? And do you want them to repeat the pattern and search for a similarly messed up partner when they begin to date? Kids do what they learn, what's modeled at home. If Dad's angry and abusive but he "wins" that way, you don't want them to model his MO. Of course you know that.

By distancing and divorcing you can control and possibly limit his influence and it's bad effects on the kids

What you are doing will hopefully show your children that they have value as individuals and a partnership takes two balanced loving people... not one owner and one slave.

Certainly your HUSBAND can be civil and participate, although he may be bitter and too angry at first. So if he doesn't warm up right away-don't stop inviting him-through divorce and beyond.

your HUSBAND will believe, based on your behavior, whatever he decides to believe. Stay chilly, limit any conversations, be very business like- even at shared events you both attend.

22 years of playing nice ... .  it's time to play on your own Team. AND be the Captain.

Take your L's advice, do what you need to do. It's painful and unbalanced now. But you will recover and you will feel better-apart from him.

minkmink-thanks for more of your story. I too had those roast in the freezer moments... where I planned something great-and HUSBAND bailed or sabotaged it. I can relate. I was planning a resort vacation for me and HUSBAND when he raged and threw me out-I think my divorce and I need that vacation next winter. I will be bikini ready too!

I am two months out and divorcing after a 4 year r/s. He filed divorce just 3 days after his rage forced me to flee the house. I was stunned, hurt confused, angry... .  now I am grateful. I didn't dodge a bullet. I dodged a missile-he would have eventually spent our money, lost or quit a few jobs, lost the house, and left us destitute in ten years if I had given him ANY more years of my life.

Take care of yourself and the kids FIRST.

GL