1.5 year of NC down the drain.

[BroiledBunny]

I can't believe I did it.

Avoiding her like the plague.

Her arrested, RO, the works.

I was arrested once because her hysterical behavior was misinterpreted by a security guard as me harming her, when I was only trying to get away.

We both told the cops that, but $1000 bail later for charges were never filed

I was free. We broke up no less than 10 times, and got back together.

We dated for a year and half and lived together for nearly 2 years.

Now, for a year and a half, every time I saw her I went the other way. I painted her black as did she to me. I burned every bridge to her, so I would never ever go back. EVER!

I've seen her with a million different guys,

we've even been at the same events and places, and I

just didn't talk to her.

But she came up to me on NYE, and I said "Hi, happy new years!" the 1st words I'd spoken to her in 1.5 years. I'd tried to imagine what might happen if I ever tried to talk to me, I assumed she hated me.

After all I'd had her arrested for flipping out on me in a mens room,  and slapped her with an RO, and she was kicked out of our house.

The words just flew out her mouth.

"I love you, I've never stopped loving you, all I've ever wanted is you,

do you still care for me?"

I said no, how could you love me? I hate you, and we can never be together. I was lying and she knew it.

But as she moved in closer, I smelled her, her perfume, her scent,

like heroin to a drug addict.

I have missed her, and because of that I know she is not the only one

who has issues. She's a beautiful woman, though being 10 years my senior.

I told he it could never be, we are no good together, we can't no no no no... .  

she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me, I kissed her back, and told her again, this is wrong, we've told every one we hate each other, we'll both lose every friend we've ever had.

She said, I don't care, I want you back.

I said, yes, but you've dated so many guys, wealthy men,

I have nothing, I'm not working, I have no money and

can't afford anything. No, please we can't do this.

She says, I don't care, I love you... .  I want you.

Take me home with you.

I crumbled. My years of trying to be an A-hole facade melted,

I walked out of the room in a daze, as she called a cab.

Someone asked me, whats going on? You have a funny look on your face?

No! OMG! You and (Name)?

I didn't even say a word. It was all over my face, My shame, my failure to be strong.

The rest you have to leave to your imagination.

We've barely been out of the bedroom except to eat as we've consumed each other. I missed her so bad.

I feel like I am Frodo, and she is the ring.

Cast in the fires of Mordor, I try to throw her back, and for 1 and half years we didn't speak ONE WORD to each other, and in the matter of 2 minutes, it was all out the window. It took an RO just for me to escape from her.

She dated 100 men since then, and lives a life of ease on other people's money, just so they can be with her even without sex.

She's so sexy and beautiful.

Her big blue eyes, perfect body and blond hair... .  

She's not in good shape financially, still no job, no money, and living off the generosity of older wealthy men, who let her live in their houses spend time with them, just to look at her.

I can't have her living with me.

I just wrote her a letter, telling her, she has to try to be happy with less than she wants or it won't last.

I could barely get her to leave today.

She's driving around in another guy's car, living in another guy's house who is a friend. If she continues staying here, he might toss her to the curb, and I know she'll expect to move into my measly one bedroom apt.

Aint gonna happen.

I got a DUI and now I'm on probation.

One outburst from her that results in the cops being involved will land me in jail, and I don't have the money for bail.

I'll lose everything, my home, my possessions while I rot in jail waiting for a trial.

She's surrounded by wealthy men, who shower her with expensive dinners and trips, and she still only wants me. The major object right?

So here I am sending her an email, yet again trying to reason with an unreasonable person. Oh... .  god.

My soul burns for her, the last 4 days have been like a dream.

I did miss her, I could never stop thinking about her, but knowing that only makes me as sick as her.

I know this can't have a good ending.

What do I do?

She is like a drug to me. I cannot resist her. But I must. Right?

[afterdeath]

good luck in jail man... .  i can just picture it perfectly with the wa our justice system works... .  she wrongs you... you lose your cool... she screams wolf... .  seeya bunny rabbit youre goin to jail for nothing at all... .  you rot while she moves on with no worries or thoughts to the next hugh hefner mansion... .  my suggestion? Cut her off! Good chance shes still sleeping with every other guy she "always loved" too... .  although my exBPD wasnt like this... i do know a girl very similar to this that ive known for a decade and although id love to be with this girl... shes so sick and twisted i think she believes her own lies in her ficticious world... .  set your boundaries and remain firm... as soon as she crosses the border send her butt packing!

[Slowlybutsurely]

OMG, yes, you do need to resist her, somehow. I really fear how this is going to end up for you. I think you do too?

I know how it is, being drawn to someone like a moth to a flame. I've done it before, knowing it was my own undoing. I did it with a past gf, who was absolutely crazy and evil, and who would have liked nothing more than to destroy my life (not the ex). I look back on that time now and breathe a huge sigh of relief that I managed to come out of it, without my life being ruined. It could have happened so easily. From where I sit now, I see that it would have not been worth it. I like my life, I like where I am, and I am grateful for what I have. I'm glad I didn't throw it away back then, for her. It's been years.

Try to imagine yourself happy five years from now, in a life you don't have yet, doing things you can only imagine right now, and going about existence in a different way. Imagine how you might look back on this moment in your life now, with her back in the picture, and possibly undoing all possibility for you in the future. It's not worth it. She's not worth it. It's like a drug addiction, and you somehow need to find a way to get out. That is all I can say, having read what you yourself wrote.

[BroiledBunny]

"My precious"... .  

:'(

I know I only in for more pain... .  god give me the strength.

She's already saying she wants to live with me.

I had to move heaven and earth to escape her.

I am a very very sick boy and I am ashamed of myself.

I know we are in the Honeymoon phase.

I do have to say it's wonderful. I guess I did say it best.

Heroin to an addict.  She says it means we really love each other.

I know better. I put up with the pain, because when things we good, they

were the best I'd ever known. Until it went to like 80% pain 20% pleasure.

And I didn't know about BPD then, and I do now.

She turns me on like no other woman.

My soul burns for her. Hopefully not in the hell of the county jail.

Can I cut it off before things turn bad?

She's never taken no for an answer, hence the RO.

Tume in next time... .  

Coming up on the 10 oclock news... .  

film at 11.

She's coming back tonight.

No stopping her now that she knows where I live.

She's positively relentless.

I tried so hard to be strong... .  it wasn't enough.

I needed to try harder. But 1.5 years, I thought, enough time had passed to simply say hello for gods sake.

The thing that blows my mind is HOW in the hell could she still want me?

I mean other than like a 'sex for old times sake' kinda thing?

I'll write an update when she leaves next, god knows when that will be.

If you don't hear from me, please,

Send lawyers, guns and money, to get me out of here.

[Slowlybutsurely]

I want to point out one obvious thing. I'm not trying to be mean, I promise. 

Your ex doesn't love you. She doesn't care about you, or your life, or your health. She doesn't. You probably know that? If she loved you, she wouldn't be using you yet again. She's using you. And you're letting her. That's pathetic, yes? Pathetic. And weak. It's all these things and more.

Sorry, but this is all true, and you know it.

I say this with compassion and love, because I'm hoping you find the strength to make the right choice here, which is to go NC again. I don't care if you have to leave the state, or hideout in a tree house, or live on a raft, or take on a new identity, or check yourself into a psych ward, whatever it takes to get away from her.

Here's wishing you strength... .  

[BroiledBunny]

Thank you... .  I have tears in my eyes because I know you are right... .  

and this time, I will probably have to find a new planet... .  she's

that relentless. Another state or country won't do it.

Oh god, what hath I wrought?

Hell hath no fury like a BPD scorned.

I tried so hard to be an A Hole, everyone believed I truly was as it relates to her. That's what it took to keep her away. 1.5 years.

Man, 3 words, Happy New Year. Ooo

Noo

I am pathetic.

I want to point out one obvious thing. I'm not trying to be mean, I promise.  

Your ex doesn't love you. She doesn't care about you, or your life, or your health. She doesn't. You probably know that? If she loved you, she wouldn't be using you yet again. She's using you. And you're letting her. That's pathetic, yes? Pathetic. And weak. It's all these things and more.

Sorry, but this is all true, and you know it.

I say this with compassion and love, because I'm hoping you find the strength to make the right choice here, which is to go NC again. I don't care if you have to leave the state, or hideout in a tree house, or live on a raft, or take on a new identity, or check yourself into a psych ward, whatever it takes to get away from her.

Here's wishing you strength... .  

[Slowlybutsurely]

One more thing, and then I really need to go, 

Again, not trying to be mean here. 

You seem to be reveling in this, enjoying it somehow, even though you know it will be your undoing. Why is that?   

Also, what kind of person (I want to say man here, but I'm trying not be sexist,  ) lets someone else control them in this way? Seriously, what kind of person? That's you right now, just so you know. But you are enjoying this, nevertheless. I wonder why that is?

That's all from me. I hope the best for you. 

[Changed4safety]

I smile sadly, my exBPD and I were "bunny" to each other... .  

I would urge you to read my various posts.  I have been where you are and there are moments where I still am.  I struggle with this still.  I spent $100,000 on my exBPD who cheated on me, destroyed my property, and choked me.  I still love him.  We may not be able to control our feelings, but we can and HAVE to control what we do.  I ended up moving while he was out of town... .  we recycled.  I moved 1,000 away... .  we recycled.  I finally ended it two weeks ago and it's still up and down. 

What would my future have been?  He would have drained me dry, I would have turned to my family for money, I would have drained THEM, and once the cash was gone he would have been gone too. 

We have grown addicted to the highs, but the lows are too great a price to pay.  Please get away and stop judging yourself so harshly.  We do the best we can where we are.  But get away from this, it cannot end well.

[exbpdgf]

Broiled bunny: I echo what others have said. You sound like you are reveling. This is not real, never was real and it will not end well. It will end like it always does, when you least expect it. I just hope you don't lose it all this time.

What price your life man? Do you want love or do you want a drug? What will you allow her to take from you this time?

Somehow, they recycle us and always end up better. And we pay the price.

In my case, my ex had me convinced that if i broke up with her, she'd end up homeless (so everytime I'd bring up sexual problems it'd devolve into a drama that because I want sex I'm going to make her homeless).

Long story short, we broke up and she's living the high life (she spent the summer in europe, has a new rich gf, a new car, a new job on and on) while I'm over here trying to recuperate financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually from all the damage she did.


Next time she comes up to you (there's always a next time with a BPD), all you have to do is say- excuse me- and walk away. It's simple, just not easy.

[must move on]

  It is really brave u have come on boards for support, that is a positive and well done.

I think once we are educated about BPD it is harder to surrender to the highs because it is all to clear what happens when things turn and unless your exBPD has had or is in T things may very well be the same between u... .  because what has changed since things ended... .  besides time... .  

You have changed your educated now, you know what could be in store... .  

Let me ask u a question for you to think about... .  What does your future look like, can your dreams, hopes, aspirations include this person and there behaviors?

I hope you can continue to be strong, keep in touch with boards for support

[BroiledBunny]

I appreciate the board, it's about the only place I can spill my feelings, and not be judged... .  well not too much.

Really, I didn't speak to her for 1.5 years. Not a hello.

I told her no, no, no, at the party, but i should have gotten up and walked off. I really am a good man, with good intentions, and I really wanted her to move on, and meet someone with lots of money who would take care of her since she's a bit of a princess. Funny thing is, she has met a lot of rich men, she's working all of them, and all she wants from me is intimacy and sex. (Well not all, she wants a life together. I just mean, I'm in bad shape financially and she knows it but still is coming straight on for me)

I mean I've read a lot of BPD stories on this board, but never one exactly like mine.

She caught me off guard on NYE.

The LAST, the VERY LAST thing I expected was her to profess her 'love'. I was stunned and shocked! And a little bit titillated, true.

I was trying to let her down easy when she slipped passed my defenses,  leaned in and kissed me. I didn't kiss her back at 1st. She kept saying, didn't you miss me? etc etc etc.

It was about 2:30 am NYE, and yes, I'd had a few drinks (and like I said took a cab).  I still said no, but eventually I just went weak, kissing her back and saying no at the same time like some cheap B movie.

I thought maybe she just wanted something for the night... .  silly me.

I mean a year and half later... .  she might still like me, but not still have a torch for me.  

If anything, I thought maybe she wanted revenge for being tossed in the clink, and the RO. I was sometimes the one refusing sex, so that was never an issue either. I used to say how can I make love to a Porcupine? After she'd been raging for a couple hours... .  oddly she'd get horny.

Yeah... .  lame. I'm really sorry.

You're all reading this and thinking what a dick. I'm really sorry.

I'm just telling it the way it happened.

I wanted to say, I'm not sure if I'm reveling in it, but yes, still in the honeymoon phase, as is she. I actually haven't dated much since we split up and sadly the women I met were crazier than her, sex and intimacy have been non-existent in my life, a lot due to just trying to recover from her.

But as it was said, I'm educated now, and pretty good idea whats to come

when the honeymoon ends. Otherwise I'd be oblivious of everything, thinking of a future together... .  not.

That being said, she's fairly high functioning BPD, and a real charmer, really sweet when the monster of BPD is at bay.

I did really try to say no, but yes, in the back of my mind, I did miss her.

A year and half wore down my defenses, I figured she'd moved on.  

I probably am reveling just a bit since it's been so long and so little affection to me, but I do tend to have a bit of a black sense of humor. If the world was ending tomorrow and everyone knew it, I'd probably be very pragmatic and have a few one liners despite it being the end. So what you interpret as reveling may just be my black humor. We'll all be dead soon enough, some sooner, some later. It's always the same in the end.

So,  please don't think I enjoy being tortured, I don't.

But the last several days have been the exact opposite of torture.

I know it will end soon, and I'll have to be the one to do it.

I suppose I could lie and say I've been seeing someone else... .  which I haven't.

Thankfully this time, my name is the only one on the lease.

I like the idea of imagining my future, with and without her.

Yes, without her sounds much better.

Thank you for the support of those of you here who've been there.

It does and WILL make a huge difference on how I deal with my 'mistake'.

[BroiledBunny]

God, you nailed it.

good luck in jail man... .  i can just picture it perfectly with the wa our justice system works... .  she wrongs you... you lose your cool... she screams wolf... .  seeya bunny rabbit youre goin to jail for nothing at all... .  you rot while she moves on with no worries or thoughts to the next hugh hefner mansion... .  my suggestion? Cut her off! Good chance shes still sleeping with every other guy she "always loved" too... .  although my exBPD wasnt like this... i do know a girl very similar to this that ive known for a decade and although id love to be with this girl... shes so sick and twisted i think she believes her own lies in her ficticious world... .  set your boundaries and remain firm... as soon as she crosses the border send her butt packing!

[myself]

It does sound like you're enjoying being recycled. That's alright, a lot of us have been there. You've admitted it, might as well be honest about it too. If you were really worried about how this will all turn out, you would have stayed NC because that's your best answer right there. You already saw that it was working. Although in your initial post you did state: "I was lying and she knew it." That's where she got you. She didn't need to sneak in, the door was wide open. What are you going to do now? Move again? Quick, how much time before she gets back? Or: Better luck next time? How's that going to work? You let her in by not being your real self, her false self is now reattaching back to you as best it can (but as you know the set-up's rather faulty), and those two partial-selves do not make make a coherent whole. A few more times around the bedroom sounds kind of fun, actually, but at what cost to the progress you've been making living life without her? Especially when you say she's going to move in/ hurt you/ leave again. Covering up lies with other lies, as you proposed, may get you out of this, but which one's heavier, to You, to carry with you as you move on from this, the truth or lies? Wishing you well with this. Sounds... .  Familiar.

Some times it's two    forward and one   back.

[exbpdgf]

myself: wow, that was awesome. I know I've read in other places on this board about the triangle (see writings on karpman triangle, and I love "2010"'s writings).  Many have talked about how the only way off the "merry go round" is as the victim.  As much as I've resisted that truth, it has been my story. What I've read here is that as long as we continue to be willing to "play",  we will be recycled. I believe what others have written about the only way to win is to refuse to play.

My last time around the "merry go round" almost cost me my life, so I'm not up for another  "flirtation with the disease", as they say in 12-step rooms.  I sure wish you a soft landing broiledbunny.

[Slowlybutsurely]

I just want to say, BB, that I honestly wasn't trying to be mean, or judgmental, though I know I sounded that way. I need to work on that,    It is actually something I'm working on, for what it's worth. I get upset when I see someone doing something that isn't good for them, and I get on my high horse and preach. Not a good thing.

I've been exactly where you are, and much worse. I had a gf a ways back who I knew was going to destroy my life, if she had her way. Yet I still couldn't break away. Around and around and around I went. It was insane. I look back now and wonder wth I was thinking, and I'm just so grateful that she didn't suck me into the abyss and ruin my life. It could have worked out that way so easily. I hope things go well for you, honestly. 

[willy45]

Hey Dude,

Don't beat yourself up. Seriously. Your ex sounds seductive. Mine was too. It was never ending seduction. She sounds hot too. So, you hooked up with her for a few days. That's OK. You made a mistake. And it sucks. We all make mistakes. So don't beat yourself up. You aren't pathetic. You are a human being and this woman seduced you. It happens.

So drop those feelings of guilt and shame right now. They aren't going to help you right now. Drop that. Drop that now. What you need right now is take a step back. Take a few days away. And just really think about how much you value yourself. If you don't value yourself, ask yourself why. And commit to learning how to do it. You know this is going down a bad path. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. Right now, that won't help you. You need every ounce of energy right now to listen to the tiny voice in your mind that loves you. It is the same voice that is getting you onto these boards to tell your story. Listen to that voice. That voice is your best friend right now. And listen to what that voice is saying. That voice is telling you to STAY THE      AWAY FROM THIS CRAZY B*TCH!. So, do that. Who cares if you spent the last few days banging her. You made a mistake. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and run. Sprint. You know what you need to do. Do it.

[charred]

I don't know how you could possibly give in to her. I don't know anyone else on these boards that would, if there pwBPD came back like that... .  well not anyone but me and every other one of us in a weak moment.

My exBPDgf had been out of my life over 20 yrs... and contacted me on FB, and I thought I was strong... had moved on, been married over 20 yrs, had a kid, and my head on straight. Two months later I filed for divorce. That was about 3 yrs ago... and my life has been a new hell only matched by the r/s with her 20+ yrs ago... when I was abruptly dumped... we had been planning to get married, I had a 3 location medical clinic chain... and I left the town I grew up in, my family, my business... my life really, to get away from her, as she showed up dating a neighbor and kissing hugging him on his porch. It was either move or kill someone.

So now I am 50, paying child and spousal support, and a big mortgage and second on the house my family used to be in, that I am in alone (upside down on a bit... so stuck)... starting over... .  from my pwBPD's coming back in to my life, and my less than sterling way of handling it.

What they heck, go for it dude... give us updates... I think inmates get to use computers once in a while if they are good... .  if I keep going back I may end up same place. It truly is an addiction of some type.

[GlennT]

Uh... Seriously... 100 since you? Are you using any sort of protection? Shame on you if you are having unprotected sex with her!

[Oneneatguy]

Broiled Bunny

Thank you for sharing your story.  It is a nightmare come true.  I have told my ex BPD that I want no contact.  I am fearful of what would happen if I found myself in your shoes, the allure is so strong.

I do agree with the other posters that you are getting something out of this.  Maybe this is a huge ego stroke.  Look I have nothing yet this beautiful woman is picking me over these wealthy guys who can offer her the world.

Hopefully you will find the strength to shut this down before things move from worse to worst.

God give me the strength to say pound salt if my ex ever suggests any kind of rekindling of the relationship.

The posts you are receiving may sound harsh, I don't think they are meant to be, we are all here to support one another.  If I ever find myself in your shoes, I pray that out of kindness the posters on this site will give me the same advice they are giving you.

My prayers are with you!

[seeking balance]

Broiled bunny... .  you definitely gave us the scenario where NC is not detachment... .  so many folks here think it is the same thing... .  it clearly is not.


Well, you are not a victim... .  this is your life and as far as we know... the only life we get.  If you continue, there is a good chance of chaos and perhaps even jail time.  If you end it now, you get a bit of self respect... .  how do you want your life to look?  It is up to you.

[BroiledBunny]

I was lying to her when I said I didn't care. But then, that's the rub isn't it.

Letting go of your BPD, something I"ve been working on since August of 2011, because whatever she was and wasn't I loved her with all my being.

And through that came my destruction and ultimate very bad ending, but the ending being her being arrested (not me) as I said before, and me with an RO against her, the only escape. No charges were filed, and I let the RO go after a few months.

And it was working by just avoiding her.

I recognize my role in the whole mess for being attracted to her, the excitement and we did always share all the same interests, had so much fun, though that might just been a BPD adapting to her surroundings.

Changing, adapting as they do to the needs of their major object, though never had a T to exactly see what my role is. I Know I have a role now, from reading here and other places... .  I know I helped and participated in the process that caused me so much pain, and waited far too long to separate until she had a vice grip on me, and both on a shared lease, big mistake and no where to run, no where to hide, all my friends wanting nothing to do with her or me. Not wanting her parked in front of their house the way she did at my work, and previous residences. But she comes off like a poor little ... .  you know, I hear people say the term waif, and I didn't think it applied to her, but perhaps it does. Always problems, and she seemingly incapable of solving them on her own. And while you help her with her problems, she loves you, or what feels like love at 1st.

My true self is a nice guy, and it is difficult to be an ass to her on purpose for the purpose of keeping her away.

But NEVER imagined in 1.5 years she'd have feelings for me. I was pretty sure I only hated her, but my emotions have been mixed for sure.

I've missed her, cried at night, knowing it could never be and to be strong.

Finally I was doing pretty well after about a year, finding this and other sites, and reading about BPD and having an epiphany about what had happened and why she is the way she is.

But all the passion and love in my heart came rushing back with a kiss. We had a strong connection.

She's not a devious person, she just is. Damaged as we all are in some way, sweet and nice, but eventually so possessive and controlling that she kill the love she craves. Maybe I've never really seen her true side?

Truth and reason don't work with her.

I can't just say, I don't see this working, it's been nice reconnecting, and burying all the pain of the past. Lets stay friends, and let the past be the past, and move on.

With a sane person, they might say, ok, and not be happy but let go.

She'll just be like she never heard the words.

It does sound like you're enjoying being recycled. That's alright, a lot of us have been there. You've admitted it, might as well be honest about it too. If you were really worried about how this will all turn out, you would have stayed NC because that's your best answer right there. You already saw that it was working. Although in your initial post you did state: "I was lying and she knew it." That's where she got you. She didn't need to sneak in, the door was wide open. What are you going to do now? Move again? Quick, how much time before she gets back? Or: Better luck next time? How's that going to work? You let her in by not being your real self, her false self is now reattaching back to you as best it can (but as you know the set-up's rather faulty), and those two partial-selves do not make make a coherent whole. A few more times around the bedroom sounds kind of fun, actually, but at what cost to the progress you've been making living life without her? Especially when you say she's going to move in/ hurt you/ leave again. Covering up lies with other lies, as you proposed, may get you out of this, but which one's heavier, to You, to carry with you as you move on from this, the truth or lies? Wishing you well with this. Sounds... .  Familiar.

Some times it's two    forward and one   back.

[BroiledBunny]

I wish I had the financial means to see a T and see things the way you do.

I'm just scratching by.

Can someone explain to me, why a woman who can have any guy she wants, wants me? Ok, I"m not chopped liver, but as I've said, I'm not in a good place financially, but finally recovering from the previous damage and feeling strong enough to face the world head on and achieve things.

I do have a hard time in relationships though, I get so attached, and usually they are the ones who are more ambivalent.

Might as well face you're addicted to love as Robert Palmer said, hence I"ve been avoiding attachments for all this time.

But why the hell does she always want to come back to me?

myself: wow, that was awesome. I know I've read in other places on this board about the triangle (see writings on karpman triangle, and I love "2010"'s writings).  Many have talked about how the only way off the "merry go round" is as the victim.  As much as I've resisted that truth, it has been my story. What I've read here is that as long as we continue to be willing to "play",  we will be recycled. I believe what others have written about the only way to win is to refuse to play.

My last time around the "merry go round" almost cost me my life, so I'm not up for another  "flirtation with the disease", as they say in 12-step rooms.  I sure wish you a soft landing broiledbunny.

[BroiledBunny]

No, I completely appreciate your honest input. I need it now more than ever.

You have a lot of good things to say.

It's especially hard because I've been so completely alone.

At least I know what I'm getting into, and I will make strong boundaries.

Perhaps when she sees she can never have what she wants completely she'll leave in search of the elusive perfect person for her?

It's so wierd how she never sees that her role in the disasters she creates and the drama. It's always someone elses fault.

"If a man is alone in a forest with no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?" he he

I just want to say, BB, that I honestly wasn't trying to be mean, or judgmental, though I know I sounded that way. I need to work on that,    It is actually something I'm working on, for what it's worth. I get upset when I see someone doing something that isn't good for them, and I get on my high horse and preach. Not a good thing.

I've been exactly where you are, and much worse. I had a gf a ways back who I knew was going to destroy my life, if she had her way. Yet I still couldn't break away. Around and around and around I went. It was insane. I look back now and wonder wth I was thinking, and I'm just so grateful that she didn't suck me into the abyss and ruin my life. It could have worked out that way so easily. I hope things go well for you, honestly. 

[BroiledBunny]

Great advise.

Thank you. It's amazing how now after she's finally away (after 4 days of non stop boinking, cuddling, laughing and reconnecting), I feel the FOG lifting, and when she's here, I'm like a love zombie lost in the FOG.

At least I recognize whats happening.

I mean, she really really turns me on... .  I'm trying keep within the boundaries of describing a  "love" situation without it turning into 50 shades (ha, don't worry I haven't read that crap) but you hear what I'm saying.

Last few days are just a blur and honestly it has been wonderful, fantastic, beyond words, and all a mirage right?

Unfortunately I agreed to see her tomorrow, and being an ass will only escalate things in a bad way quickly. Better to just go along for another couple days... .  famous last words of a heroin addict. I'll quit tomorrow... .  

but the commitment is made, and I'm quite sure hell and high water won't keep her away. It won't be all bad, we're still in the honeymoon.

For sure if I keep my cool, she will to, She's been very in control of herself and her emotions and no bad vibes or feelings at all, though we all know that won't last.

I PROMISE I WILL CUT IT OFF! PROMISE!

Any advise on the best way to do that?

Hey Dude,

Don't beat yourself up. Seriously. Your ex sounds seductive. Mine was too. It was never ending seduction. She sounds hot too. So, you hooked up with her for a few days. That's OK. You made a mistake. And it sucks. We all make mistakes. So don't beat yourself up. You aren't pathetic. You are a human being and this woman seduced you. It happens.

So drop those feelings of guilt and shame right now. They aren't going to help you right now. Drop that. Drop that now. What you need right now is take a step back. Take a few days away. And just really think about how much you value yourself. If you don't value yourself, ask yourself why. And commit to learning how to do it. You know this is going down a bad path. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. Right now, that won't help you. You need every ounce of energy right now to listen to the tiny voice in your mind that loves you. It is the same voice that is getting you onto these boards to tell your story. Listen to that voice. That voice is your best friend right now. And listen to what that voice is saying. That voice is telling you to STAY THE      AWAY FROM THIS CRAZY B*TCH!. So, do that. Who cares if you spent the last few days banging her. You made a mistake. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and run. Sprint. You know what you need to do. Do it.

[FogLight]

Honestly if you pursue this "thing" with her, you'll have to re-register as RoastedToastedAndEatenAlive... .  Bunny.  You're fooling yourself if you think everything's ok for just a few more days.  You already stated that you know it is bad for you, so there's a decent start.  I dealt with a potential recycle attempt about 3 months out of a 5-1/2 year relationship with mine, so I'll tell you what helped me.

I knew in my rational mind she was terrible for me, even though my heart still needed to catch up by a long ways, I was still hurting like hell.  She attempted to contact me several times for 3 months before I finally gave in and took one of her calls.  She was crying and begging me to see her, said she only needed space, and a bunch of other lies, but she was BEGGING to see me.  Before taking that call, I made a commitment to myself that this thing with her was dead and gone no matter what, and I wasn't going to allow myself to reason with her or try and explain myself.  I knew I needed to stand my ground, and I didn't need any excuse to do that.  It is what it is whether she likes it or not, my way IS the highway.  You already know the potential to get sucked back in when feelings get stirred up, how relentlessly seductive she can be, but if you are mentally prepared beforehand, you'll stand a much better chance at sticking to your guns.

I probably could have recycled with her very easily, and I imagine it would have been a major ego boost, at least until the whole thing exploded in my face again.  Either way, I was still hurting, and it would have felt good to revel in her idealization again, nothing quite like feeling worshiped by a BPDex... .  except for the respect I earned from myself when I stood my ground and told her no.  And I have felt better and better ever since, and I know it won't explode in my face like the alternative was guaranteed to do.

You're in a bad spot, but it's not one you have to be stuck in.  Won't it to be over?  Commit to it now, stay committed to it, and be ready to end it, that's it.  Just end it.  You don't have to explain yourself, and you really don't even have to see her.  You're torn between heart and mind, in a way you're at war with yourself.  Time to dig up some strength and put on your game face, suit up and stand your ground.  Good luck man.

[BroiledBunny]

Glenn,

She claims, she only had one actual boyfriend, and only slept with the one guy, and the rest were just guys she went out with and didn't F^& that she's got a reputation for being a big tease and letting guys take her out and getting nothing.

Yeah, and I got some land in Florida. But seriously, what would be the point in lying, though I guess she doesn't want me to think her a whore.

God only knows what the truth is.

As far as protection non protection... .  there was protection... .  

Uh... Seriously... 100 since you? Are you using any sort of protection? Shame on you if you are having unprotected sex with her!

[BroiledBunny]

Yes, I am torn.

Yes, I need to put on my game face and end it.

The wheels are in motion though. She'll be here tomorrow morning expecting a day hike, dinner and lots of sex. I am strong when I am away from her. When I look in her eyes, I melt.

So many men would give their eye teeth to be me, but they know not what they wish for to be the object of her desire.

How can we continue to love people who've caused us so much pain and damage?

The damage with me breaking up again, will not be without consequences either. The good feelings, longings, and desires I've had for her spilled out like a broken dam, washing over her in waves of joy, she was so happy you can't imagine.

I professed my love for her, and desire, and though what I said was true, Oh... .  I'll pay for it later. I feel the FOG lifting but am afraid of an in person confrontation. That would be the most likely scenario of her having a panic attack from her fear of abandonment, and consequent hysterical outburst (loudly) that might result in police arriving from the neighbors calling the cops. She's neve r tried to say I did anything to her, but I know if and when they get there, she'll be bawling her eyes out, and sweet innocent thing she is, (ha) the cops may still haul me away, since they beileive that a woman won't want to tell the truth, even when it is true, (he didn't do anything)

because it already happened once.

I'll need to do it on the phone, chickensheet as that sounds, and then run for the hills, batten down the hatches and disappear for a few days as she flys over on her broom to burn me and mine to the ground.

Whether I let myself be seduced, or not, it will be my fault, and she will again paint me black for recycling and leaving her. My phone will likely ring with vitriolic messages from her friends, But so,

better than letting it go too long.

[quote author=FogLight link=topic=191526.msg12177426#msg12177426 You're torn between heart and mind, in a way you're at war with yourself.  Time to dig up some strength and put on your game face, suit up and stand your ground.  Good luck man.[/quote]

[BroiledBunny]

RoastedToastedAndEatenAlive.

Pretty good. I know you won't agree, but telling her not come over, will result in her coming over and fighting the whole day, chasing me down the street, whatever it takes to engage me, good or bad.

Why not just enjoy it? Have a hike, dinner, and send her packing the next day? I still have time to plant lots of doubts, that may make her come to the conclusion on her own, that I'm not all that. She wants a lot, and 1st time around I told her yes on everything. Now, the answer is no no no.

She gets nothing of what she wants. No possible future.

Hard as that will be, too look her in the eye, and say no, I realize I don't love you, or something like that. She reads me like a book.

Like I said, I have no doubt now,  there is something wrong with me, but not sure what it is in relation to my attraction to BPD women.

I'm a man, guilty as charged. Hard to pass when a extremely sexy woman says something like I want you.

But thanks to all you guys, I"m learning a lot over the last 6 months or so.

I'll handle it.

Honestly if you pursue this "thing" with her, you'll have to re-register as RoastedToastedAndEatenAlive... .  Bunny.  You're fooling yourself if you think everything's ok for just a few more days.  You already stated that you know it is bad for you, so there's a decent start.  I dealt with a potential recycle attempt about 3 months out of a 5-1/2 year relationship with mine, so I'll tell you what helped me.

I knew in my rational mind she was terrible for me, even though my heart still needed to catch up by a long ways, I was still hurting like hell.  She attempted to contact me several times for 3 months before I finally gave in and took one of her calls.  She was crying and begging me to see her, said she only needed space, and a bunch of other lies, but she was BEGGING to see me.  Before taking that call, I made a commitment to myself that this thing with her was dead and gone no matter what, and I wasn't going to allow myself to reason with her or try and explain myself.  I knew I needed to stand my ground, and I didn't need any excuse to do that.  It is what it is whether she likes it or not, my way IS the highway.  You already know the potential to get sucked back in when feelings get stirred up, how relentlessly seductive she can be, but if you are mentally prepared beforehand, you'll stand a much better chance at sticking to your guns.

I probably could have recycled with her very easily, and I imagine it would have been a major ego boost, at least until the whole thing exploded in my face again.  Either way, I was still hurting, and it would have felt good to revel in her idealization again, nothing quite like feeling worshiped by a BPDex... .  except for the respect I earned from myself when I stood my ground and told her no.  And I have felt better and better ever since, and I know it won't explode in my face like the alternative was guaranteed to do.

You're in a bad spot, but it's not one you have to be stuck in.  Won't it to be over?  Commit to it now, stay committed to it, and be ready to end it, that's it.  Just end it.  You don't have to explain yourself, and you really don't even have to see her.  You're torn between heart and mind, in a way you're at war with yourself.  Time to dig up some strength and put on your game face, suit up and stand your ground.  Good luck man.

[charred]

Love your nickname, wish I had thought of it (BroiledBunny). I think all of us that recycle think it won't be THAT bad, this time. And in my personal experience I was wrong every time, it was always 10x as bad as I imagined the worst case could be. Still I did it a few more times. All told we have broken up and got back together 7 times now. She has BPD and major issues, and I have issues of my own... clearly just from going back in and out of an abusive relationship.

I hope it works out well for you, which sadly probably means you are apart from her and avoid jail. While I have recycled a number of times, I live 4 hrs away from my exBPDgf and it makes it easier to keep distance between us. If she was close bye I would be super screwed.

Any one else think it is horrible that what seems like "the love of our lives" and "true love" is a trauma bond between two people with issues? And that the fix is getting well enough to have a normal bond with a more normal person, that is unlikely to have a fraction of the intensity... .  seems like a travesty of cosmic justice somehow.

[GettinHealthy]

Like I said, I have no doubt now,  there is something wrong with me, but not sure what it is in relation to my attraction to BPD women.

What's wrong with you is that you never took the time to learn to LOVE YOURSELF during the time you were apart from your ex.  She is playing you and you are playing right into it.  You said it yourself, you were weak and lonely.  That is because you never took the time to work on you while she was away doing whatever she wanted.  You sat and waited for her.  Now you got your wish.  I am not going to apologize for being harsh because it is what you need.  It is our co-dependancy issues that get us and keep us hooked to BPDs.  Our total and utter lack of self-esteem that they boost so well when they do their "wonderful idealization".  Until you build your own self love and self-esteem you WILL continue this dance, probably for life.  MAN-UP and stop making excuses for her and this situation.  You want out, do the work and get out.  If not, then stop posting about how you are "gonna do this or that, after the next round of sex".  All that is is bragging as far as I am concened.

Hopefully you will wake up and see the light, cause you are the only one that can get you out of this.