1.5 year of NC down the drain.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Advice on how to break it off?

Tell her you can't do this anymore. Do it over email if you have to. H*ll, do it over text. It doesn't matter. Then block her number, block her email, and lock your door or get out of town for a while, stay at a buddies place. See any attempt at her contacting you as abusive/needy/manipulative. She doesn't love you. It sounds like you don't even LIKE her. Sure, you like the sex. But is having sex worth going to jail for? Seriously.

She is going to destroy you. You know it. So do whatever it takes to tell her NO. And that's that. Whatever fury she unleashes on you is just more proof that you made the right decision.

[willy45]

Advice on how to break it off?

Tell her you can't do this anymore. Do it over email if you have to. H*ll, do it over text. It doesn't matter. Then block her number, block her email, and lock your door or get out of town for a while, stay at a buddies place. See any attempt at her contacting you as abusive/needy/manipulative. She doesn't love you. It sounds like you don't even LIKE her. Sure, you like the sex. But is having sex worth going to jail for? Seriously.

She is going to destroy you. You know it. So do whatever it takes to tell her NO. And that's that. Whatever fury she unleashes on you is just more proof that you made the right decision.

[BroiledBunny]

Intensity, yes. For certain.

Love your nickname, wish I had thought of it (BroiledBunny). I think all of us that recycle think it won't be THAT bad, this time. And in my personal experience I was wrong every time, it was always 10x as bad as I imagined the worst case could be. Still I did it a few more times. All told we have broken up and got back together 7 times now. She has BPD and major issues, and I have issues of my own... clearly just from going back in and out of an abusive relationship.

I hope it works out well for you, which sadly probably means you are apart from her and avoid jail. While I have recycled a number of times, I live 4 hrs away from my exBPDgf and it makes it easier to keep distance between us. If she was close bye I would be super screwed.

Any one else think it is horrible that what seems like "the love of our lives" and "true love" is a trauma bond between two people with issues? And that the fix is getting well enough to have a normal bond with a more normal person, that is unlikely to have a fraction of the intensity... .  seems like a travesty of cosmic justice somehow.

[seeking balance]

This is your addictive brain talking.  Treat it like an addiction.

12 step programs are basically free and are wonderful for working on you BB.  Check into coda... .  step 1 - admitting you are powerless over the person and your life is unmanageable

Sound about right?

[BroiledBunny]

Like I said, I have no doubt now,  there is something wrong with me, but not sure what it is in relation to my attraction to BPD women.

What's wrong with you is that you never took the time to learn to LOVE YOURSELF during the time you were apart from your ex.  She is playing you and you are playing right into it.  You said it yourself, you were weak and lonely.  That is because you never took the time to work on you while she was away doing whatever she wanted.  You sat and waited for her.  Now you got your wish.  I am not going to apologize for being harsh because it is what you need.  It is our co-dependancy issues that get us and keep us hooked to BPDs.  Our total and utter lack of self-esteem that they boost so well when they do their "wonderful idealization".  Until you build your own self love and self-esteem you WILL continue this dance, probably for life.  MAN-UP and stop making excuses for her and this situation.  You want out, do the work and get out.  If not, then stop posting about how you are "gonna do this or that, after the next round of sex".  All that is is bragging as far as I am concened.

Hopefully you will wake up and see the light, cause you are the only one that can get you out of this.

You are so completely right. I've been out of work, a near wreck, self esteem? Whats that. I've only started feeling like I have any worth in the last couple months and just barely surviving. I was practically suicidal at one point I was so depressed, but finally turned a corner a few months ago.

I met some beautiful and seemingly nice women, and sadly, I just couldn't afford to pursue them.  My finances allow me to just afford rent, utilities, food and little else. But I am fortunate to have that and I thank god I have a roof over my head.

I didn't want to connect with a woman, only to have her find out how

poor I am right now. It's not permanent, I think I'll find a job soon.

But I figured I'd wait till I was in better shape financially before

trying to date, I mean, you gotta go through a lot of crazy women to find a sane one, and that takes time and mucho bucks . Then, they may not want to be with you.

Honestly it wasn't till I found the forum, and began reading about BPD that I began to feel better. You can see my progression by reading my posts... .  

I think I need to review again, exactly what BPD is.

I think I've forgotten a lot of what it is, other than the abandonment thing (her big time), and the 'I hate you don't leave'. (also her)

I woke up this morning feeling sane and in control.

BUT I can't help but to want to help her.

I want to tell her about BPD, see if it's possible to get her to go to a T.

Not that I would want to continue the relationship, but then you know, I remember, that's how it all started, me helping her.

There's no just being friends with her.

Experience has shown me, there's no reasoning with her.

But I keep going back to maybe she's salvageable. That therapy could help her see the light, I want to discuss her past encounters with T's, and find out if she ever had a diagnoses, and did she do anything to work through it.

But I know that won't and can't happen. I can barely take care of me right now, and she'll pull me back into the abyss I've spent so long getting out of.

I do care about her, and that's the really hard part.

She's really an amazing woman at many levels, and then, there's this.

The deal killer. Like I said she's high functioning, so the ugliness doesn't come out right away.

Oh, yes, I have a terrible thing I must do.

I must detach. I've been so alone, and with little joy in my life, and I have to toss her to the curb, the one woman who would waste 2 minutes of her life to be with a broke loser, which sadly until I'm working, I am. The one incredibly beautiful woman who seems to have loved me, ha. Yeah, it's just the fog creeping in.  

I've forgotten why they do the things they do, time to do some reading again.

[BroiledBunny]

Where would I find a program like this?

This is your addictive brain talking.  Treat it like an addiction.

12 step programs are basically free and are wonderful for working on you BB.  Check into coda... .  step 1 - admitting you are powerless over the person and your life is unmanageable

Sound about right?

[Changed4safety]

My friend, your self esteem is in the toilet.  I know, I've been there too.  A theme I see running through your posts is that you are broke and therefore not worthy; you are broke, and this girl says she wants you, so that seems to make it worth the danger... .  

You are not:

Your looks.

Your age.

The money in your bank account.

What you do.

Plenty of women out there are doing just fine on their own and can buy their own jewelry for their birthdays quite happily when their guy is loving, supportive, sincerely, strong in himself, and bothers to remember said birthday with a heartfelt card or kitchen cleaning or something that is not monetary.  Someone you have to buy will cost you more than money.  I know, between my ex-husband and my exBPDbf, I'm out $200K in four years--all my savings, my retirement, and all quite literally nothing.  I'm scraping to get buy and am swamped with debt.  THAT is what buying love cost me. 

Do NOT fall for this stereotype.  And do not settle for less than a good human being as a partner just because you don't yet have a job.

[Changed4safety]

Google CODA or Alanon.  They have meetings in most major cities.

[BroiledBunny]

I'm so glad I have you guys to talk some sense into me.

Yes, I waited for her. Despite all the pain she put me through, I dreamed of her, wanted her if for nothing else than the intimacy and sex.  But it took so much to get away from her, I assumed she hated me, and all I had to to do was continue avoiding her and it would just stay a dream. I figured it would and could never happen.

She caught me so completely off guard on NYE, basically threw herself in my arms, professing her love for me, it was shock and awe. I haven't felt the touch of a woman in so long. And yeah, we had a certain connection that to me at least, felt like no other. I've felt so happy, elated these last few days.

I haven't felt like this, ha probably since I met her the 1st go around in the beginning phase.

Realizing what I've done, and what I must do, I won't survive another round with her.  I've done a terrible thing.

It's really starting to hurt, remembering why I left, and knowing what I have to do.

I really want to thank everyone for your honesty. It's what I need.

[willy45]

Good job, man. You can do it! You did it before. You can do it again! Stay strong, buddy. You will totally make it. Focus on doing the work on yourself.

[BroiledBunny]

Oh god, it hurts. My heart is breaking all over again. I did so well for so long staying away... .  all gone in 3 words, happy new years. :'(

[exbpdgf]

Another phrase I've heard in many circles: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

YOUR responsibility, if you want sanity more than insanity, is to make yourself impermeable and impervious to this cheap thrill. How? By being willing to go to any lengths to look at your side of the street in all of this stuff and to fill your coffers (emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, sexually, financially) so that you are no longer available to this scheisse.

It is possible. You just have to want it more than you want the mirage of her.

[exbpdgf]

And nothing is "gone". You needed this, for reasons that will become more apparent to you the further you get away from this. SLAA is a great place for looking at one's patterns in relationships too.

For me, I find that a big part of my codependency is an addiction to pain. First I have to get out and stay out of dangerous situations. And be willing to go through "withdrawal". It can/will get better, if this is truly what you want.

[Jay08]

Dont go backwords in life for somebody who didnt think you were good enough the first time man.

Keep your self respect, even if it means she finds your'e replacement and your left with nobody.

At some point she'll remember you, and thats payback enough.

[seeking balance]

Google CODA or Alanon.  They have meetings in most major cities.

[still_flying]

I am wondering whether painting her black may have inhibited your ability to truly move on.

I know that for me refusing to admit that there were both good and bad parts to our relationship would allow me to take on the role of the victim and continue to be helplessly under his control. Same with accepting my own responsibility in the bad things that happened between us. While I didn't choose this, I allowed him to get away with treating me in ways that I know logically I shouldn't have accepted.

I am wondering if painting her black has been allowing you to keep a mindset of victimization that made it easier for you to agree to a recycle.

I think you need to cut this off before it gets any seriouser, and go back to no contact. Then when you are ready, begin taking inventory of what you did that allowed this to continue. I'm not saying it's your fault. But you need to examine how you ended up in this situation.

[BentNotBroken]

She's setting you up. Do you think she has forgotten about the arrest and the RO? My BPDexGF remembers everything in her own twisted up way. You are going to go down hard on this one. You can't even afford a lawyer, how well do you think you are going to do in court?

If she isn't working, where do you think she is living and spending her time when she isn't with you? Probably with the guy who loaned her the car, or with the guy who is keeping a roof over her head.

You are going to hurt her if you cut her off, but not nearly as bad as she is going to hurt you if you don't.

GTFO if you want to stay out of jail.

[OFFtheTopRope]

You may have been NC but emotional detachment is different.  Yes, commend yourself for the progress youve made.  Time alone does not heal these wounds.  Sounds like you were not truly "ready" for her alluring temptation.  The unexpected is what we must be prepared for like this.  Various types of reengagement present themselves...

No, im not saying.  Its easier said than done.  But your experience actually scares me, as i know im not ready to resist mine again either.  I am seriously trying to take a turn now with my thinking.  After subjecting myself to hostility for over a yr since we "ended", constantly breaking NC on both sides, i realized detaching is my main problem.  Its the hook i need to escape.

Your reaction and profession of this shows your unhealthy addiction has not been broken.  BPDs are famous for treating us like scat then trying to resume neglecting responsibility as if nothings happened.  Dude, she does not have your best interest in mind and ypu are being a source for her to feed off of.  I doubt you wanna expose yourself to that again.  Youve learned her danger, what shes capable of in the past.  Her words are hollow so quit holding onto them.  Would she let YOU get by with even minor transgressions?  No so why should she be handed your soul on a silver platter? 

[jp254958]

Broiled, I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Like me, you have a tendency to be very hard on yourself.  It's in these moments where we are at our weakest.

Might I make a suggestion?  It's time for you to really start focusing on yourself. As an outsider I'd say that you have tried to bury a lot of your pain and shame since initially going NC instead of trying to learn from the experience with your ex.

Truthfully, it seems like you're addicted to her, and you're trying to get a fix. I think you might benefit by trying to figure out why you're an addict in the first place. And honestly, it probably makes some sense to lay off the booze for a long time... .  good decisions cannot be made with alcohol involved.

You want her to be someone she's not. She has a disorder and always will.  Nothing is going to change a person other than themselves. And pwBPD are fundamentally averse to change, and any indications to change themselves are usually fleeting.

You are letting her hold you down.  The lessons of life will keep repeating themselves until you learn them. Learn from this.  Try to avoid blaming yourself, judging yourself, using harsh words against yourself, etc.  If you beat yourself up, you'll only look for reasons to quick ways to bring yourself back up emotionally.  This will drive you back to your ex. 

She doesn't love you.  She's incapable of genuine love. Right now, you're probably making excuses for her so you can keep your drug. All the while, you're letting her manipulate you. You're better than that, and you can be strong. You can get through this and learn this lesson... .  that you're worth a damn, and that you deserve to have a happy relationship with love if you work on yourself.  That you need to learn how to love yourself first.  And that now is the time for you to really focus on being the person that you need to be by treating yourself with love, dignity, and respect.  Saying no to someone who manipulates you is a great start.

I'm wishing you well.  Learn for this... .  don't beat yourself up!

[maria1]

I am wondering whether painting her black may have inhibited your ability to truly move on.

I know that for me refusing to admit that there were both good and bad parts to our relationship would allow me to take on the role of the victim and continue to be helplessly under his control. Same with accepting my own responsibility in the bad things that happened between us. While I didn't choose this, I allowed him to get away with treating me in ways that I know logically I shouldn't have accepted.

I am wondering if painting her black has been allowing you to keep a mindset of victimization that made it easier for you to agree to a recycle.

I think you need to cut this off before it gets any seriouser, and go back to no contact. Then when you are ready, begin taking inventory of what you did that allowed this to continue. I'm not saying it's your fault. But you need to examine how you ended up in this situation.

Well said and I agree. Many people posting about hating their exes and encouraging others to do so need to look behind the hatred and the anger. I'm sorry Broiledbunny but you need to start to get to know yourself.

You have no sense of your self and WHY you allow yourself to go back. You can put the boundaries in place. You can DO everything people tell you to do. But if you can't make a start on reconnecting with the child that didn't get his needs met (you) those boundaries will come tumbling down because they have no roots to hold them up.

Breaking an addiction is hard work. I can see you are in pain and she takes the pain away. The pain was there before you even met her though. If you can't get to a CODA meeting yet read a book on codependency and where it comes from. Think about your childhood.

It's hard work. We'll help you if you can get on that path. If you go NC do it differently this time. Try keeping hold of your compassion while you do it. I don't mean that to sound harsh I just mean it's easy to just denigrate the ex and lie to yourself that you don't care as much as you do. And pretend that she didn't have any good qualities.

But the only true way to move on is to connect with yourself.

[cookiecrumbled]

Broiled Bunny -

I am so proud of you for resisting all that time.  I agree with the poster who says don't beat yourself up.  And I'm a little surprised that there are several responses to your post that are harsh and lacking a certain understanding of what it is like to the be the victim of a BPD.

I was dumped suddenly by my BPD and *he* is the one who refuses to talk to me.  I am having a lot of trouble moving on and am a little jealous that yours came back to you.  Do you see any signs that she has changed?  Are you talking about your relationship or just ignoring it and consuming each other physically? (and I get that - and miss that so much)

I want you to know that I am so sorry you are going through this and you feel like you are back at Square One.  Can you move?  Change your phone number and email address?  Wear a wig?  ha ha  Please keep us posted and hang in there.  At least you are having sex. 

Cookie

[hithere]

you said you have no money and no job, my advice to you is to RUN - get as far away as possible and rebuild your life.  :)o you have any family in another city?  Friends?  Go there, get a job and get your life back.

At least you are having sex. 

It is not worth the price you may have to pay.

[must move on]

Broiled, I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Like me, you have a tendency to be very hard on yourself.  It's in these moments where we are at our weakest.

Might I make a suggestion?  It's time for you to really start focusing on yourself. As an outsider I'd say that you have tried to bury a lot of your pain and shame since initially going NC instead of trying to learn from the experience with your ex.

Truthfully, it seems like you're addicted to her, and you're trying to get a fix. I think you might benefit by trying to figure out why you're an addict in the first place. And honestly, it probably makes some sense to lay off the booze for a long time... .  good decisions cannot be made with alcohol involved.

You want her to be someone she's not. She has a disorder and always will.  Nothing is going to change a person other than themselves. And pwBPD are fundamentally averse to change, and any indications to change themselves are usually fleeting.

quote by jp254958[/b]

I totally agree with what jp254958  has said to you. Well said jp254958

[BentNotBroken]

I just smell a serious false accusation about to happen. Every time I gave my BPD exgf the benefit of the doubt I have ended up regretting it later.

I hope you are not in the slammer as I type this.

[cookiecrumbled]

I disagree and think Seeking Balance is unnecessarily harsh.  The reason we are here is that we are wounded from a failed relationship with a crazy person.  We loved them.  The difference in a non BPD relationship is that ours will hurt us.  We know this.  They won't change.  :'(

[officer1618]

1. NC is necessary but not necessarily perfected / understood the first (or second) times around. Many of us went back for more and more until the light went on.

2. It's apparent in facts but not feelings. You will reread this in time and see why this NYE event unfolded... .  both in her and you.

!

3. She mirrors what you want to see. You have a hole in yourself she fills with her disordered behavior. Like it or not you are in need of work on yourself and this emotional rollercoaster will shine a light for you to examine your inner problems. Might take bailing out of jail or a 6 month stay in the local sheriff's hotel... .  but you're too informed for the seeds not to be planted to start really reflecting.

4. We all have rock bottom to hit. If you stay! you will be shamed. If you try to break up you will be shamed. Like a tick... .  the longer she stays on you the deeper she goes and the more she feeds. Removal will be painful.

5. She doesn't have rich "friends", she has rich suitor in training. You aren't a one and only you're a "one of many" and you probably know it. She doesn't love... .  she survives as her disorder demands and it demands she lure people to complete her.

Good luck broiled bunny... .  I mean that. I did this dance with my wife of 15+ years and I ate it over and over. When all the magical mirrors break and you "see" clearly through your experience, her "heroin" will be like vinegar on your teeth and her pitiful pleas for love will be like smoke in your eyes.

[BroiledBunny]

Rabbit Stew anyone?

I really appreciate everyone's input.

So far everything has been pretty much prrrrfect with her.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. And I tell her so.

She's like a kitten all snuggly and cute. Happy happy happy! Smiling, so happy.

And like a tiger, sexy and insatiable.

So far nothing bad. It is nice to have her in my bed, all snuggled up.

I missed her, I really did. The good part, you know. We have such strong chemistry and went through so much together, good and bad.

She's not a bad person, and I don't know about all this that she doesn't feel love. I mean love itself is a form of insanity.

Where's the line?

She'll do almost anything to please me. Really.

I remember when I'd get home from work, the house would be spotless, and she'd be bouncing up and down, I'd call her tigger, she's be so happy to see me. She was never horribly vengeful. But there was the raging.

She still doesn't acknowledge her own role in the disaster of a breakup we had. She still see's it as I had HER arrested.

I say, she had herself arrested. All she had to do was leave the bathroom before the cops go there. She watched me call 911.

I'm on record, on the 911 call, telling her to leave, just go, stay at your GF's and we'll talk in the morning.

Nope. She stayed till the cops came.

Her own fault. Worst case, they woulda talked to her the next day.

Instead I now know, they chained her to a chair for nearly a day.

Her fault, not mine. Lack of control of her emotions.

Which is a BPD characteristic, though she's high functioning.

Never cut herself or anything like that. Mostly the fear of abandonment thing, and the emotional control issue, and of course the "I hate you, don't leave me thing".

She's paid for groceries, helped clean up,

really... .  nothing bad all YET except that it's obvious she's still completely obsessed with me, and doesn't act rationally in the way she is so wanting to be with me, and not focusing on solving any of her problems, outside of just talking about them, yak yak yak yak, no action, so familiar.

But am still befuddled WHY in gods name, after she had 1.5 years to lasso in a guy with some dough, she wants to be with the poorest guy in town.

It hasn't always been this way. I once owned property etc. I lost everything, not necessarily to due with her. I just feel so distracted when she's around, can't focus. I'm in a state of constant arousal when I'm with her.

We both feel the same way. She would stay here if I'd let her, so not a matter of her going around with other guys. She stick to me like glue if I'd let her.

There's tons of guys who would take her out if they could, spend money on her, but she says she's doesn't feel connected to them, the way she does to me. That she never wanted to break up (well I did!) and always has loved and never stopped loving me, and just filled her time with guys who wanted to spend $$ on her, but only slept with one guy that she had a relationship with. The phone rings, she doesn't answer it. I keep telling her, you'd be better off with someone else.

One week, and sheeet, she's already saying she wants me to marry her.

I'm saying, slowwww down, woa nelly. Nice and easy.

She's so gawdamm pushy. Saying no to her, results in 1/2 hour conversation, instead of an OK.

I could barely get her to leave.

Some of you are probably just pulling your hair out in frustration

that I'm doing what I'm doing, being so foolish as to imagine I'll be strong enough to pull away, like the tick analogy.

Now all this said, we've discussed EVERYTHING, the good the bad.

Seems a lot of our mutual friends, were putting BS in her ear, that I had other girlfriends and crap. She says she didn't think I loved her before, and now she's certain I do. And yes, without a doubt, I do.

I have little to offer a woman these days, at least per what women expect,

and with her, she's happy to have a meal at my little apt. Cuddle and watch a movie. That can't be said about other women I meet. My options are somewhat limited with my financial situation.

No offense to the women out there, but women I've met since are just as crazy or MUCH MUCH worse. In my experience when a woman decides you are her man, she'll do anything to keep other women away, and oddly women are most attracted when you have a beautiful woman on your arm.

They don't want guy who walks in alone, they want the guy who's already taken, because now he's proven to be desirable.

The better looking the woman you're with is, the better looking the women that come after you. And then, when you're single and alone, it's an uphill battle to get their attention.

The war of the roses, men are from mars, women from venus.

We'll never see eye to eye, women and men, and love drives people to do the craziest things.

So, what is love?

The guy she dated after me, looked almost like me.

She read me a dating profile she was writing to put online, a draft never finished, and it described me to a tee. Our interests, identical,

is it possible she's not BPD? And perhaps just a mixed up girl who happens to be madly in love with me? I do have a lot of good qualities. I don't really have much trouble meeting women, but I'm not the kind of guys who wants a different women in my bed every night... .  ha, odd huh? So many guys love variety, and as I've said before, I just want one good one to share my life with.

She once was wealthy, had her own money.

And when she had money post divorce, she showered it on me with trips, clothes, anything I wanted. But I just wanted her to buy a house, and have some security but she just blew the money making herself feel better.

She wanted to go to Europe and pay for it (she pay for it)

but I felt that wasn't wise and I didn't be obligated and have her tell everyone how she spent all this money on me.

Still we ended up traveling here and there, local trips nothing extravagant, but it's so easy to spend a lot these days traveling with nice rooms and $200 a night and more. A grand here, and grand there.

But she's just as happy camping. No complaints about the accommodations even when we're in a tent.

But not going to Europe didn't accomplish anything. She's told everyone I'm a jigalo and she supported me, no I had a job, when we lived together we split all the expenses, me from working, her from savings.

She still has delusions of getting some 100K + a year a job, though she hasn't worked for 10-20 years. I mean, she really was very wealthy.

The Ex husband just is huge jerk, took everything. I know this to be true, she was a basket case when I met her, in the midst of the divorce. A very traumatic event. She SEEMS better now. Not going through my phone, acting crazy jealous etc. YET.

Don't think I've forgotten how crazy it got.

Well, the apt. is in my name only.

She isn't moving in, and worst case, I have the right to toss her the curb.

But I'm guessing she'll come crying to me soon enough saying she has no where to live, and lay the obligation and guilt part of the FOG on me, despite doing nothing to make herself employable. Still the same broken record.

Well, just giving you all an update on the Soap Opera of my life.

Finally having a breather, wow it's a been whirlwind week.

And she's actually been super helpful, since I can only drive to work and DUI classes, she's taken me to run all my errands... .  

Can I be wrong?

I've been learning alot in the DUI classes, drinking way down, and her too.

We just have a glass of wine with dinner. I'm sure Alch had a lot to do with the madness before.

I asked her point blank about her previous go arounds with mental health if she'd ever been diagnosed with BPD. She said no... .  of course.

I do know she had therapy about her fear of abandonment.

Oddly her best friend is a retired shrink. I have a feeling perhaps he has helped her, yes, he. He's an old man, and has his own love interests, and knows she's crazy for me, and seemingly approves.

But the whole, picturing my life with her... .  oh... .  no can't see it.

OK, signing off for now, hasenpfeffer.

[charred]

Just had a night that I shouldn't have with my exBPDgf as well.

"You may have been NC but emotional detachment is different."    Well put.

Been about 6 mos NC, and was in same town as my mom and exBPDgf, and posted a pic of surprise party on FB... and my exBPDgf contacted me, and asked if I would please meet her at a mall where she was shopping to talk... that she only had a short time.

I said no thank you... and she sent back "your loss" and "I wont ask again"... .  so I decided wth.

Met her and we went to eat at food court (toned down mood)... and started talking. I said I wasn't comfortable and just wanted to see her but didn't think anything had changed... so she started questioning me on my current relationship with exwife, and why I didn't protect her (pwBPD)... and got me on defensive... .  as usual (buildup to hater typically)... so I asked questions about her inconsistencies and the way she had treated me... .  got answers that sounded like BS... .  and called her on it. Said what truth was (what had happened)... and what her version was... and she was shucking and jiving to try to make it sound like it was something else... .  so I said I didn't appreciate the lies and manipulations... .  and that kicked off her full hater for a second... then... well it became clear that she is BPD, she started nice, turned clingy, tried manipulating, and then went angry.

It was a mistake in so many ways to go. I was hurting seeing her, she was wanting to understand why I had dumped her and went NC... .  and lied about the things she did and tried to make it sound like I had just been mean to her for nothing. She told me things I didn't want to know about her followup relationship... and it ended with me sorry to see her go, but trying to keep her thinking the worst of me.

She made very good points that I was self centered and didn't take her emotions/feelings as valid to her. She had told me that she was paying the price for dating her new guy, both financially and emotionally... .  and I simply said "I am sorry it didn't work out, what do you want to eat."  And interrupted a few attempts to start in telling me about the guy... so now I am trying to understand why I put myself and her through this evening.

She was ready to recycle again... .  and I kept thinking I wanted it... .  but pusher her away, then saw her and ended up arguing and really pushing her away. So if she wasn't disordered it would be the last of it... .  I fear its not even close, and I should have just avoided her, been boring and non-commital if I couldn't stay NC.

Whenever I am around her I swear I start doubting my own sanity, recollection, conclusions... .  but there will be just these tiny little hints that I have her pegged... .  little evasions to questions, that kind of thing.

I feel like if there is going to be Rabbit stew... .  I am one of the chefs... .  so not what I wanted.

Wondering if I am N?

[Changed4safety]

BB, some quotes from you:

"But am still befuddled WHY in gods name, after she had 1.5 years to lasso in a guy with some dough, she wants to be with the poorest guy in town.  It hasn't always been this way. I once owned property etc. I lost everything, not necessarily to due with her."

"There's tons of guys who would take her out if they could, spend money on her, but she says she's doesn't feel connected to them, the way she does to me. That she never wanted to break up (well I did!) and always has loved and never stopped loving me, and just filled her time with guys who wanted to spend $$ on her, but only slept with one guy that she had a relationship with."

"I have little to offer a woman these days, at least per what women expect,

and with her, she's happy to have a meal at my little apt. Cuddle and watch a movie. That can't be said about other women I meet. My options are somewhat limited with my financial situation.

Dude.  Wow.

Sounds like both you and her are obsessed with how much money women require for "maintenance", and how if a woman doesn't care about how much a man spends on her, she's a saint, and if a man doesn't have money, he's a loser.  This is a recurring theme and it makes you susceptible to being dazzled by what is or should be not a big deal at all. 

My favorite type of date has ALWAYS been curled up on the couch with someone I love eating a meal made at home.   I'm awesome and unique, (LOL self-validation!) but surely, there are other women like me out there.  You can get someone who's OK with limited funds without the heavy price of someone who's BPD.

Now... .  all I need to do is convince myself I can find someone with the qualities I like in a guy without him being BPD... .  

[FogLight]

Broiled

Well it looks like the tone has changed a bit, it seems you've decided to pursue this thing with her.  Hey man, you do you, nobody has the right to criticize you for that, nor should you let it bother you when it does happen.  All I can say is stand FIRM on your boundaries, I'm sure you know firsthand how pushy and testing she can be, it's like the normal girl stuff but jacked up on deca, test, and tren.  At least you're being a tad more realistic about the situation this time, the part about expecting the other shoe to drop as you know it will.  Good luck dude, good luck good luck good luck GOOD LUCK!  I think you're gonna need ALL of that    haha be safe!

[Oneneatguy]

Hi Broiled,

Good luck on your new adventure. I hope things work out the way you want them.  Remember the old saying hope for the best, plan for the worst.  I think that holds true.

Again good luck, whatever happens people here will support you.