1.5 year of NC down the drain.

[Wooddragon]

The thing that has helped me the most in detaching from my ex is understanding that most of it has absolutely nothing to do with me as a person and that him saying stuff that I might like to hear or like to be true "there's never been anyone like you" "Im not interested in sleeping with other women" "all these amazing attractive women want me but I don't want them" "I wish I could marry you" etc etc had no relevance to whether it actually was (true).

We are not NC but I have also established a new boundary by ending the friends w benefits arrangement we had. I feel so much better for it even though I miss so much the feeling of being loved by him.

Good luck bb. My advice (fwiw) is to at least agree one boundary with yourself as an "objective test" of whether this connection is going where you want it too. That's how I justified putting myself part way back to crazy town & it only took a very short time for that "test" to be failed Ie (question answered).

[BroiledBunny]

Well, I managed to detach for a little while.

She left yesterday for 3-4 hours, and on Mon. as well.

She had to go home to attend to her pets.

She wants to come back tonight, but I am,

a. concerned the landlord will notice how much time she's been spending here and say something.

b. I am getting just plain worn out. She refuses to accept anything other than what she wants. Me. 24/7.

c, resentful for not accomplishing my goals, and kicking off the New Year with a

very successful push to get FT employment. Instead, I've been wiling away the hours with her.

d.  Tired!

She's only been gone 1 night in the last um... .  let's see 8

God, she's gonna burn me out.

I just can't be charming, happy and friendly, entertaining all the time.

I need down time, ME time, time to recombobulate, consider my goals, do home projects, laundry etc. Though she's actually been helping with a lot of that.

She so badly wants me back, in the capacity we were before, and

I want something... .  different.

Something we can both live with, something more like dating, but I'm OK to be exclusive. We just see eye to eye on so many things.

She still can't seem to admit what she feels she did wrong in the relationship. For me, I know I lied about stupid ~ that didn't matter, but due to her spying she already knew the answers, and then didn't trust me.

So this time, I've talked to women friends right in front of her, so she'll know they are friends, not lovers.

Well. just got off the phone with her... .  

she grinds me to dust... .  just like the old days.

She doesn't stop till she gets what she wants.

I want a night or 2 alone, she wants to be with me.

It gets too exhausting to fight her.

Hanging up on her will result on her being on my door in no time, tears in her eyes, hurt.

I caved... .  I'm resenting her now.

At least she's going to wait till I tell her it's ok to come over, have a client for some piece work stopping by for a few minutes.

I did say she's gotta go in the morning, and she agreed.

Regarding the money theme. I live in a wealthy area. It costs a lot to live here. The ratio of women to men sucks. Guys put up with amazing BS just to be with someone. I'm fighting to not be with someone... .  hmmm.

I hear the pain and anguish in her voice, wanting to be with me... .  

BPD right? Am I right? She says it's just that she loves me and missed me terribly for the whole year and half we were apart.

I'm gonna lose it pretty soon and wind up telling her off, and the cycle repeats. Tried to explain she'd be better off just waiting a day, that I'll wind up resenting her, too much too soon, but it went no where.

[Suzn]

I'm gonna lose it pretty soon and wind up telling her off, and the cycle repeats. Tried to explain she'd be better off just waiting a day, that I'll wind up resenting her, too much too soon, but it went no where.

Now there's a tell tell sign somebody needs some "me" time. Where did your boundaries go my friend? This is looking frighteningly like enmeshment growing roots. Fear, obligation, guilt. I see all three in this last post. It is not "mean" to be interdependent, it's one sign of a healthy relationship. BPD or not. Hope to hear you are getting some much needed sleep/rest/you time. Take good care of you too, your needs matter.    

[exbpdgf]

Seducing, clinging, hating. Where are you on the merry go round? And around we go... .  

[exbpdgf]

And like others have written, I was just another object to her. "Nothing special" except perhaps in brief moments, often coinciding with great need. My question to my exBPD gf, if she ever shows up in my sphere again: what is/was your part?

As I wrote on another board, that will tell me everything.

a. Someone who cannot take responsibility for their side of the street is not someone who can play with integrity

b. someone who only blames me-same as a

c. someone who is owning their part-means she's really changing

[BroiledBunny]

I feel like I've let you guys down... .  well, now it's the clinging stage.

She's gonna leave me no option other than to leave her in the lurch.

Got her to leave at a more reasonable hour today, but now she's trying to work out what's going to happen going forward and wants to talk about it endlessly. I'm saying 'for god's sake woman, it's only been a week!'!

But she's saying, 'you're the love of my life! I want to be with you! '

In my favor is that she doesn't have a car, got in an accident months ago and doesn't have the money to fix it.

She's using the vehicle that belongs to the owner of the house she's staying at, and he's out of town for a little while.

Once he returns on Sun. it'll be a lot harder for her to find her way over here, and me with a restricted license, only for work till April.

But yeah, I'm starting to think it's time to go stay at a friends house, or something, or just wait another couple days till she's without a vehicle.

I hate to be so cruel as to just tell her yes, I want her to come over when I don't but never would've gotten her to leave if I'd tried to stand my ground.

Endless going in circles. She's ready to move in!

Guess, I need to start being everything she doesn't want.

Sadly, the honeymoon is over, and I'm getting sick of it already.

I wanted to show her how in the lease I can't have someone staying here every night, but that turned out to be a mistake, as I couldn't find any clause like that with her standing there.

Now she's saying, 'well see! There's no reason I can't be here.'

Well, great sex last night and this morning, but I know it's just the hook.

Not a reason to be in a relationship, but damn it was great.

It's so sad she can't control herself enough to not drive people crazy with her clinging. In so many ways, she's just an incredible woman.

Before I saw just how bad it could get, I used to feel so

happy (before the madness #1) to have such a beautiful, athletic, smart woman by my side, and we are a good looking couple.

[Newton]

BroiledBunny it's a tough situation you find yourself in right now... .  a true crossroads.  Many of us have been there, you haven't let anyone down here... .  this is your support network 

It sounds like you are really conflicted in wanting her in your life up to a certain point thats ok with you, enjoying the idealization and mirroring again (don't we all!)... .  not wanting to hurt her feelings, fearing things going very wrong very abruptly as they have done in the past, but also losing out on the benefits of a hot sexy partner... .  

Have you seen this article?... .  

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles14.htm

So as you said, she doesn't have the ability to control how she is behaving by clinging to you. Do have the ability to resist another ride on the merry-go-round?

Perhaps looking at some posts on the "staying" board and working on the communication tools and boundaries there will help you.  It's a lot of effort to be in a relationship with someone with BPD... .  both your and her "looks" are transitionary and will change with time... .  does she have enough else going for her to commit yourself to what she obviously wants? 

[BroiledBunny]

She's fairly high functioning.

Just got off the phone with a guy who's got his stalker... .  

very different in that she really does not care about or for him, whereas with mine she's very caring and loving, but it's a 50 50 kind of thing, like a switch that goes.

Really hard to see where the line between love and illness is.

I tried to talk to her about BPD, but it went no where.

She's certain she does not have a problem.

And despite how horrible it got before I had to involve the PD to

end it, she still says she never wanted to break up.

Thank god we did. It saved us both. Now, how to finess

her moving on, with the minimum amount of pain.

But she's convinced I'm the love of her life.

I really do believe she does love me, but there's BPD there too.

Some of both. And she's a wreck, no job, no money.

I'm in the same boat but working to do something about it.

She's not doing anything except creating a vacuum in my brain and around me.

[Newton]

Are you still "undecided"?... .  

[Wooddragon]

Acting caring & loving is not the same as being caring & loving (and it doesn't sound like she's even capable of acting it very convincingly!).  Do you honestly think that any of these other male "friends" *cough* would be at all disappointed to see her go? Do you honestly believe that she didn't spin the same or similar crap with them when she thought they were the answer to her problems? Stop kidding yourself & trying to appease her. That isn't a "kitten" you have curled up in your bed, it's a serpent.

[cookiecrumbled]

Wooddragon - well said!

[SeekerofTruth]

Until it went to like 80% pain 20% pleasure.  And I didn't know about BPD then, and I do now.

I just feel so distracted when she's around, can't focus. I'm in a state of constant arousal when I'm with her. 

She's not doing anything except creating a vacuum in my brain and around me.

Thats' the problem.  I hate that when that happens.  And it happens to me just like that.   But the above are on you Bunny.

NC/LC is giving me some time and space to clear up the mess in my head from her/us... .  while recognizing the ruminative obession and the vulnerabilty to my addiction of my dream fantasy hope for her and us when we get together next... .  while the mess i had just with me, before I really get too deep into hell with her... .  is still there needing to be addressed.  Kinda sorta thinking that the mess inside my head about her/us and the ongoing obession inside my brain trying to make sense of that chaos and attempt to correct for that in the future... .  might be functioning to avert me from the real mess of my stuff, completely independent or prior to the massive mindfuk with her/us.  Heck, my side of the street still needs to be swept.  Are you procrastinating and avoiding addressing important objectives pertaining to your stuff, like I am?

Just trying to help here, this might be immature, manipulative, and deceptive... .  but possibly effective in terms of brainstorming.  Many many years ago in my younger 20's, over winter break... .  I got hooked up with a real sexy hottie who was cheating on her SO and was wanting me so badly, stalking, and way too crazy over me way too soon... .  even at that age, i knew that was not the type of relationship I was looking for.  That was my first, in terms of participating with someone who was cheating, just for the sexual adventure.  Oh God, confessing on the boards.  For me it was a fling, a 2-3 week winter break fling while i was full of piss and vinegar... .  and likely still in recover mode from the devastion, loss, and betrayal stemming from my first BPD college sweetheart break-up with whom i had shacked up after moving out of my parents home.  The one who told me "I was the best she ever had", which i believed hence thinking that relationship was secure.

Anyways, back to ending the relationship with the winter fling gal... .    I finally thought at the time in the most resourceful terms how can I end it most effectively and let her move on while releasing me from any further obligation.  My strategy was simply to lie to her.  Telling her straight up  "I'm no good for you.  I'm bad news.  I'm a cocaine addict.  That's all I care about... .  I can't be in a relationship" "I'm a gangster". blah blah blah.  Hey, i painted myself black!  Just to clarify i never was a cocaine addict, nor a gangster.

Have been reading your thread with great interest and excitement as it somehow awakens the addictive, masochistic, get off on the pain, overriding stimulation thing inside of me juxtaposed with some inner challanging self-talk to myself along the lines of "dude, are you really that wrapped around her finger" and romantizing that sh_t while if you don't focus and buckle down soon, the hurts gonna constitute as the worse ever.  By the way, some of the feedback in this thread regarding the addictive, pain, and having our low self-esteem lifted by the rush hit a nerve.  How many wake up calls are we entitled to?  The universe gives us signs, and if we ain't listening, those sounds get louder and louder and LOUDER.  I know you know this.  Best wishes in navigating thru this and coming out of it a better more emotionally healthy and responsible person acting in line with your best goals and best interests.  And improving your risk management skills. OK?  Good luck, man. Hope this might be useful.

NOw here's a paradoxical song of seduction for you BunnyB.

Get Off On The Pain - Gary Allan - ( 3:58)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3smpJw2mrjg

[jp254958]

Broiled, it may be helpful to you start start codependent's anonymous meetings ASAP. Even if a meeting isn't located near you, they have phone meetings that you can dial into. 

One of the things that you would learn at meetings is that you are powerless over your ex insofar as she's mentally ill and you can't guide her to be someone she's not, but you ARE in power of what choices you make in your own life. Your ex isn't making you do anything ... .  you're with her now by your own choice. You have power to decide which relationships you're in, who you spend time with, what you say yes and no to without guilt, etc.  So you may want to consider framing your thoughts in a way that conveys the reality that you have power to decide your choices.

Don't worry about what others think.  Worry about what's best for you. From what I read, it seems that you knew you were in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill, you went no contact, then you became involved again by your own choice on NYE, she acknowledges that she is “messed up" sometimes but ironically won't realize her own contributions to the original failed relationship, and you say that you want to get out of the current predicament but your actions are clearly conveying that you want this time with her. No matter what you ultimately decide, you have the power to decide whether you're in this relationship or whether you decide to leave. Realize that you're responsible for the outcome of your actions... .  if this relationship succeeds or fails, you're responsible for half of it.  But if you stay in it or leave, you're responsible for 100% of that choice.

Wishing you all the best in whatever decision you make. 

[BroiledBunny]

"For love that was, is love that is, we're determined to re-live the pain... .  but then all lovers are deranged" David Gilmour

Working hard to set some boundaries, she fought me tooth and nail.

Funny though, she immediately was able to line up all kinds of fun things to do without me.

None of which have anything to do with work or income.

Meanwhile, I've been at home paying bills, cleaning and sending some resumes.

We're supposed to see each other tomorrow eve.

Sadly, or... .  happily depending on how you look at it, I realize I never stopped loving her, but am and was afraid of her,

with all that went on between us.

I know in my heart it can never work.

I realize it will probably cause me more pain, but I have missed her and I have no one else in my life, not exactly a line out the door. She's so hard to resist.

[tuum est61]

Hi,

This is an interesting and useful topic but the thread is now at 4 pages and has been locked from any further posts.

Feel free to start a new thread on the same topic!