She showed up at my apartment

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well... .  my worst fears personified happened last night.  She showed up at my door.  I predicted this would happen, especially because I have been NC with her for 7 weeks and she'd been trying call me, though I wasn't taking her calls.  My T and I talked about this a number of times and what I might do if this happened, but I knew that there wasn't a way for me to really prepare for it.  Anyway, she showed up, I told her through the door that she shouldn't be here, and predictably the water works were already starting on her part.  I quickly caved, and let her in and thus began a very emotional 5 hours (I can't believe she was in my apartment that long) in which she essentially was begging for another chance with us.  It was very difficult and I got upset a number of times, but in the end I stood my ground and told her that I can't go backwards right now.  I used the opportunity of her being there to *try* and get through to her, though I know she doesn't get it.  She was doing many of the things that a pwBPD might do, telling me how she's "changed" a lot in the 2 months that have passed since she moved out, but I told her in plain language that there's no way for me to know if that's really true, and frankly you can't change all that much about yourself in so little time. I hammered home my decision to not want to be in a relationship or be friends with her right now by also telling her how badly she hurt me and reminding her that she wasn't happy when she decided to leave.

It's in instances like last night that I question whether or not she's really "full fledged" BPD or if she's just someone with other very severe emotional issues, but in my heart of hearts I do think it can be classified as Borderline Personality Disorder.  My doubts center around the fact that so many people experience a pwBPD as someone who outwardly cheats on them and lies and I think with my ex it's more about confusion of her own emotions and pure confabulation.  I really empathize with her, and it's part of what has made it difficult to detach.  Last night was really difficult, but I'm happy for sticking to my guns, even though I know I've taken a slight step backwards by allowing myself to get filled up with so much emotion.

[Darknightx13]

Well... .  my worst fears personified happened last night.  She showed up at my door.  I predicted this would happen, especially because I have been NC with her for 7 weeks and she'd been trying call me, though I wasn't taking her calls.  My T and I talked about this a number of times and what I might do if this happened, but I knew that there wasn't a way for me to really prepare for it.  Anyway, she showed up, I told her through the door that she shouldn't be here, and predictably the water works were already starting on her part.  I quickly caved, and let her in and thus began a very emotional 5 hours (I can't believe she was in my apartment that long) in which she essentially was begging for another chance with us.  It was very difficult and I got upset a number of times, but in the end I stood my ground and told her that I can't go backwards right now.  I used the opportunity of her being there to *try* and get through to her, though I know she doesn't get it.  She was doing many of the things that a pwBPD might do, telling me how she's "changed" a lot in the 2 months that have passed since she moved out, but I told her in plain language that there's no way for me to know if that's really true, and frankly you can't change all that much about yourself in so little time. I hammered home my decision to not want to be in a relationship or be friends with her right now by also telling her how badly she hurt me and reminding her that she wasn't happy when she decided to leave.

It's in instances like last night that I question whether or not she's really "full fledged" BPD or if she's just someone with other very severe emotional issues, but in my heart of hearts I do think it can be classified as Borderline Personality Disorder.  My doubts center around the fact that so many people experience a pwBPD as someone who outwardly cheats on them and lies and I think with my ex it's more about confusion of her own emotions and pure confabulation.  I really empathize with her, and it's part of what has made it difficult to detach.  Last night was really difficult, but I'm happy for sticking to my guns, even though I know I've taken a slight step backwards by allowing myself to get filled up with so much emotion.

[coffees86]

You should be really proud of yourself how you handled this. Like you said yourself you tried to stick to your guns and not let her come back again!

Keep up the good work and hopefully she'll leave you alone a bit or will go into LC.

[GettinHealthy]

I agree!  Good job DK!  That was a BIG step in your overall recovery!

[Darknightx13]

I agree!  Good job DK!  That was a BIG step in your overall recovery!

Thank you... .  I'm hopeful that is was.  Time will tell.  I am filled with many confused thoughts these days as I have the interest of another woman and she mine.  I'm not yet sure what it all means.

[exbpdgf]

Wow, Darkknight, thank you for sharing this. You handled it so well. This is my worst fear I think, given all I've read here and the fact that it was just her birthday and the 1 year anniversary of our breakup. I've been sorta trying to look around me a bit in the last week. I love what you said and will use it, if I find myself in this situation.

Your ex sounds so much like mine, I could see her saying everything yours did, I mean the whole scenario sounds just like my ex. And for what it's worth, my ex couples counselor told me mine was BPD but she said she's probably not "straight up" borderline (her phrase). The counselor thought she's probably bipolar, with an anxiety disorder, maybe histrionic and narcissistic too. My T. tells me it doesn't matter, we both are trauma survivors.

Congratulations on handling a very difficult situation so well!

[Darknightx13]

Wow, Darkknight, thank you for sharing this. You handled it so well.

I love what you said and will use it, if I find myself in this situation.

You're welcome.  I suppose that's a whole lot of what this board is all about and if my experience helps you with your own down the line then I am happy that I could contribute to your own path to healing.

Objectively, I think I handled it pretty well, though I'm beating myself up a bit for giving her so much rope for her to hang herself with.  It was difficult to see her getting so upset, which is something that strikes a personal chord with me in general.  Seeing other people visibly upset, crying, etc., is what usually sets me off.  I was a mess, however, the first 10 days following her moving out, but until yesterday I had not personally cried in at least 6 weeks.  My head still hurts today from the emotional weight of last night and getting upset which is making it more difficult to get fully back on track, but I do take solace in knowing that I really did what was in my best interests.

[myself]

This also gives you the chance to have faced it, and see how well you'd do when that happens. Feeling emotional is expected in this kind of situation. It's how you handled them when they arose, and you handled them well by not going backwards when they may have pulled at you to do so. Grieving and moving on is serious work, but with real focus you'll make it through a better person. You're already proving you're getting there.

[Darknightx13]

You're already proving you're getting there.

For some reason I'm feeling worse today than I felt all weekend about this.  I'm replaying the events of Friday night in my head and although I showed emotion and she visibly saw that I was upset, I also was pretty crushing with some of the things I said to her and I can't help but wonder what is going through her head.  I also can't help but wonder how strong I would have been if it wasn't for the new lady in my life.  Would I have caved?  I really don't know.

[doingtheswim]

You're already proving you're getting there.

For some reason I'm feeling worse today than I felt all weekend about this.  I'm replaying the events of Friday night in my head and although I showed emotion and she visibly saw that I was upset, I also was pretty crushing with some of the things I said to her and I can't help but wonder what is going through her head.  I also can't help but wonder how strong I would have been if it wasn't for the new lady in my life.  Would I have caved?  I really don't know.

Hey Dark,

you really showed enormous strength- very inspiring!

Try your best not to worry about whats going through her mind, or the "what if's".

It's about you and your well being-- your bright future, which she had her chance to be part of.

You did great man!

[SeekerofTruth]

DK

Thank you for your leadership.  Am obviously drawn to your sharing as it reflects psychological (mental, emotional, spiritual, behavioral, relational) terrain I envision myself needing to traverse thru 2013.  You're ahead of me!  My wish for you is that you trust in the process accepting that you are right where you need to be AND that you keep your vulnerability protected - connected to your spiritual center at all times, privately as well as within the sacred space of your therapy sessions as you explore and deepen your reworking of things while remembering as you get a little more distance on it... .  the truth gets clearer... .  May it strengthen your ressolve in your ability to let go and be free.

Since I am not that familiar with your experience, I checked out some of your posts and see they go back to 2009.  Whew!  I'm also getting your posts are in reference to same SO now in process of becoming XSO.  So you think you've finally had enough.  You got to be tough to get thru this because it is very hard.  I'm getting that you and your SO had several recyles.  I also get you and XSO had an engagement in late 2011, setting the stage for your 2012 journey thru hell, and that NOW, more recently you've come to accept the reality of it all... .    Am I understanding?  If so, further then, I see you are also looking to move on, recover, become a better, emotionally healthier person on your journey to becoming whole (which in my mind is inclusive of being both broken and whole, as paradoxical as it sounds... .  call it a yin-yang of greater oneness within in the larger circle of our existence).  Above all else, to thine own self be true. 

I really love your honesty.  It comes thru man.  Your signals coming thru, ignore the noise.

My situation has similar parallels.  8 years off-on.  Late 2011, we got "married"--- welcome to hell--- and in Dec 2012 she moved out, and her atty filed for divorce by mistake (huh? I thought we were reconciling).  Okay- so you've got a snapshot, hence found myself on her late Nov 2012 and gravitating to the divorce boards while waffling within the chaos of making sense of it all.  And this is coming from one of the strongest mentally people I've met, me... .  hah... .  now just a shell... .  and somewhat similar to you except different... .  is that instead telling myself "I can't help but wonder... .  ", I hear myself saying to myself "I can't believe... .  ".  Usually this happens after a day of strength, clarity, and determination, only to find it dissolve once some door gets opened... .  and my monkey mind of obessional, confusion, longing, inner turmoil, conflict, and torture runs thru my heart and soul bringing on more hours into days of agony.

For time being, find myself posting onto other treads on other boards, in finding meaning and sone sense making, while I can muster enough inner stability and clarity to choose a board and thread line of my own.  Got more to share specific to your last post that I think you might find helpful.  But I have got to get going, my tx apt... .  and good to limit my time on here.

Namaste

[bpdspell]

Hey Darkknight, 

You are a compassionate person and it shows in your post. You handled the circumstances pretty well while retaining your boundaries. Pat yourself on the back my friend. Moving forward without them is not an easy task. Just remember to keep the focus of healing on you.

As for her behavior or her undiagnosed BPD; it is as real as the sun. Your mind will try to reconcile what it experienced but her hurtful behavior in the past was real. Once things unravel there's a significant amount of trust that is gone forever. Try not to get too caught up in the labels of the disorder and focus on the unraveling of your relationship and how you got to this point. That is your truth.

I do believe our BPD's can be remorseful and sad but... .  

Having compassion for them doesn't mean allowing them back into our lives and giving them another chance to wreck havoc on our souls. Their character is pretty hard wired.The tears are real but her pain is not enough to motivate her to help herself with a therapist. That is the truest test of someone willing to make amends. Dark Knight. Most BPD's will not seek help. Like all human beings they tend to stick to what's familiar and people with BPD are no different. They seek solace to chase away the demons of aloneness and their disorder.

Many of us are hopeful of a recycle or reminisce about the days of idealization. But once they are triggered those days are over.

Spell

[Oneneatguy]

If the time comes that my ex shows up on my doorstep, I will turn on my bat signal.

All humour aside, kudos to you Darkknight.  It takes incredible amount of strength and courage to stand your ground.  Don't doubt yourself, the pain she caused in the past is real. I am sure a part of you still wants to be with her, that may never go away. 

[Darknightx13]

It takes incredible amount of strength and courage to stand your ground.  Don't doubt yourself, the pain she caused in the past is real. I am sure a part of you still wants to be with her, that may never go away. 

I appreciate the support and kind words from all of you.

SeekerofTruth... .  I feel for you very much, and yes you seemed to have reflected on my story very much.  The "crazy" thing is that I was somewhat aware of BPD prior to 2009.  If nothing else, the detachment from her allows me to do my best to really let that sink in, and I think that's one of the most important things I can do right now.

That being said, I worry that this supposed strength I'm showing is nothing but a mirage, and one that is being heavily financed, so to speak, by this new person in my life who is giving me a lot of special attention.  I found myself wondering this morning if this woman has been "sent" to me to help me ensure space from exBPDgf.  If i had not been speaking to and spending some time with this other person over the past few weeks, I have no idea if I would have been able to stand my ground on Friday.  These are some of the things I know I need to really work through, and I'll be talking to my T today, but I feel a little bit like a fraud for now.  I don't know how strong I really am, or if I'm strong at all.  And when I let those thoughts of what my ex is feeling enter my mind, I'm reduced in strength even further.

I yearn for clarity in so many areas of my life, and I'm hopeful that time will bring it to me, but I also worry that it might never come at all.

[Oneneatguy]

Hang in there DarkKnight

It takes a lot of willpower to say no and not fall down the rabbit hole again.  You aren't a fraud, you are human.

Everyone here will support you in whatever way you need and whatever decisions you make.

[SeekerofTruth]

DK

My man, you stood your ground.  Tears thru the pain to the power.  It's okay.  Your honesty and humility is an inspiration.  Thank you for your leadership in being where you are at.  Eyes wide open.  Bearing witness to what is raw and real.  Don't be too hard on your self, or beat your self up.  Breathe into it.  Keep your mantras in mind, in your brain, and on your tounge.  I sense the fear, I see the courage.  Courage in the face of fear... .  not only works but is necessary.  Hold steady.  Re-program.

Been reading "The end of overeating.  Takng control of the insatiable american appetite".  In the chapter entitled "How we become trapped" the author discusses hypereating and food.  I reproduce some of it, however will replace "hypereating" and "food" with "relationship bond" or in our case "trauma bond". Choose your words wisely:

"Cues, priming, and emotional triggers all drive "tauma relational bonds" in fundamentally the same way - by stimulating mental ghosts.  These ghosts are representations of past sensory and emotional associations with "trauma relational bonds" that we have stored in our brains.  Expectations, can be called "traces retrieved from memory", give form to ghosts.  When we expect "trauma relational bonds" to give us pleasure (positive reinforcement) or relief from distress (negative reinforcement) that expectaion amplifies the reward value.  Expecting something to be rewarding stimulates pursuit of that reward.  Expectancy has powerful effects on strenghtening the primary reinforcer.  With the script of how we behave in the prescence of a stimulus already written and storedd in our brains, expectancy also helps to control the choice me make between actions."

Yeah so let that awareness of your awareness of BPD prior to 2009, in your detachment from her really sink in.  Might serve you down the road.  Forgiveness and compassion for you as well there, first, as you explore deeper while not forgetting the damage done would seem to be appropriate and logical self-examination if you will.

You are rewriting the script.  YOUR script.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time if necessary.  Be creative. 

I'll tell you one thing, while I appreciate and respect your vulnerability and sincere tenderness, (be gentle and affirming in your self-talk as well as vigilant) , your therapist might be able to help you with this if they have a cognitive-behavioral orientation.

  That being said, I worry that this supposed strength I'm showing is nothing but a mirage, and one that is being heavily financed, so to speak, by this new person in my life who is giving me a lot of special attention.  I found myself wondering this morning if this woman has been "sent" to me to help me ensure space from exBPDgf.  If i had not been speaking to and spending some time with this other person over the past few weeks, I have no idea if I would have been able to stand my ground on Friday 

yeah man, she might have been sent to help ensure space... .  the universe is mysterious.  If so, that's cool.  No big whoops.  Keep on keeping on.  Far stranger things have happend and will continue to happen.  More normalacy wise, however, it does make sense that the fact you and your new female friend are spending quality time together provides some type of viable occupation of the way you inhabit space and how your are choosing to live your life in the process of moving on, consistent with goal directed behavior i.e. leaving, detaching.  That's a good thing.  Nothing to feel guilty about there.  Social support is valid.  If she happens to be someone you develop feelings for and so on and so forth... .  nice.  Hopefully, and she ain't gonna be a draw down on your psychological capital in the manner that the destructiveness and chaos BPDs oftens wreak havoc upon do.  Hey one step at a time.  But maybe in a different direction away from the BPD path if you will.

The best of it though, is not only have you been straight with this person, while working it out more internally inside therapy.  The fact is, you did not violate her friendship and healthier bond formation.  You showed her repsect man!

So respectfully, I see it less as, if she wasn't in your life you don't know if you would have been able to stand your ground so much as, yeah did you stand your ground, you kept a level of dignity and self-respect towards yourself and others.  Nice.

Okay, now here's a song for you DK.  May the benovelent forces of heaven and earth be with you.  Remember, every dark night turns to day.  Eyes wide open.  Courage in the face of fear.  Enjoy the journey.  Keep safe. Study$$

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ_Bnu_RbQM

Gary Allan - Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain) - Lyrics.  (3:47)

[Darknightx13]

SeekerofTruth... .  Thanks for the song link... .  you are a very insightful individual.

I am very much trying to look at each day, each moment, one at a time, but it's not the easiest of exercises for me.  I tend to worry about the future a lot and although I know it's good to reflect and really think through things, I wish I wasn't so darn hyper-analytical about everything.  For almost as long as I can remember now, seldom have I been able to really just enjoy myself for any kind of sustained period of time.  I'm not sure how much of that is just "me" versus how much of it is the person I have become as a result of my relationship with a pwBPD.  I wish I didn't feel so messed up.

[cookiecrumbled]

Wow, Dark Knight... .  I am imagining how you must have been shaking when she finally left your apartment.  I am amazed you didn't let her kiss you.  I do think God must have sent you the new person as extra insurance for what was coming in the Friday night visit.  Celebrate the vindication of her visit.  Celebrate the fact that you had not cried in 6 weeks.  Since July, I think I have managed one stint of four days in which I didn't shed tears.  And I have never been a tearful person before the Borderline Personality World was dumped on me.

Please remember you were minding your own business in your abode when the devil came knocking.  She will not change.  But you can deflect her by responding the next time by asking her if she has been to counseling, to show you proof of it, to tell her Time will tell.  I know exactly what you mean about wondering whether she has BPD.  I had never heard the term until two months ago.  I'm an attorney and never took one psychology class in my life.  Ha!  Now, I could teach one.  Anyway, my ex-boyfriend with undiagnosed BPD never cheated on me (at least I don't think) or even lied.  He would just disappear over the slightest, perceived disagreement.  He would come back in a few days and take me in his arms and say, "I'm sorry your boyfriend is so ~ed up in the head." and then we'd be okay.  We'd be MORE than okay - we'd be the amazing, loving, happy couple we always were... .  Until the next time.

Anyway, I am proud of you.  Keep spending time with your new interest.  I hope she's sane.  The thought of another man touching me makes me physically ill and it has been six months.  I hope one day I don't feel that way.

Cookie :'(

[Darknightx13]

Anyway, I am proud of you.  Keep spending time with your new interest.  I hope she's sane.  The thought of another man touching me makes me physically ill and it has been six months.  I hope one day I don't feel that way.

You hang in there yourself, Cookie.  I never expected that I would be even the slightest bit prepared to accept the interest of another person so soon let along show interest back, and believe me when I tell that I'm struggling with it.  There have been so many moments in the past few days where I, once again, feel like the crazy, messed up one.

[SeekerofTruth]

With you. 

It's real.

DK (from the do as i say not as i do realm  of advice, given my current state of mind ---derailed)

You mentioned worry about the future,

Reflections about the past.

Present Moment - working and being in that space.

I need to get to my meditation cushion 1st thing in morning... .  within 10 minutes upon arising... .  otherwise I'm gone.  So tough.

Glad you liked the soon.  There's a flow here.  I think you are tapping into transformation.

Soon,

Seeker

[SeekerofTruth]

DK

Feeling into what you are saying... .  and what you are wondering about.  I get that from where you are coming from, most of this seems surreal.

Thinking that's sign of post trauma recovery process.   Thank you for your leadership.

[Oneneatguy]

Cookie,

I know how you feel. I've been divorced 7 months and not interested in dating anyone else.  I promised myself that I would not date for at least a year to give myself time to heal.

I am slowly getting over my ex and have reached a point where I now know that I will get there.  I am afraid of getting into another relationship though because as much as it is easy to blame BPD, I know that there is something inside me that draws me to these type of women and until I address that, I am only getting on another sinking ship.

[charred]

Well... .  my worst fears personified happened last night.  She showed up at my door.  I predicted this would happen, especially because I have been NC with her for 7 weeks and she'd been trying call me, though I wasn't taking her calls.  My T and I talked about this a number of times and what I might do if this happened, but I knew that there wasn't a way for me to really prepare for it.  Anyway, she showed up, I told her through the door that she shouldn't be here, and predictably the water works were already starting on her part.  I quickly caved, and let her in and thus began a very emotional 5 hours (I can't believe she was in my apartment that long) in which she essentially was begging for another chance with us.  It was very difficult and I got upset a number of times, but in the end I stood my ground and told her that I can't go backwards right now.  I used the opportunity of her being there to *try* and get through to her, though I know she doesn't get it.  She was doing many of the things that a pwBPD might do, telling me how she's "changed" a lot in the 2 months that have passed since she moved out, but I told her in plain language that there's no way for me to know if that's really true, and frankly you can't change all that much about yourself in so little time. I hammered home my decision to not want to be in a relationship or be friends with her right now by also telling her how badly she hurt me and reminding her that she wasn't happy when she decided to leave.

It's in instances like last night that I question whether or not she's really "full fledged" BPD or if she's just someone with other very severe emotional issues, but in my heart of hearts I do think it can be classified as Borderline Personality Disorder.  My doubts center around the fact that so many people experience a pwBPD as someone who outwardly cheats on them and lies and I think with my ex it's more about confusion of her own emotions and pure confabulation.  I really empathize with her, and it's part of what has made it difficult to detach.  Last night was really difficult, but I'm happy for sticking to my guns, even though I know I've taken a slight step backwards by allowing myself to get filled up with so much emotion.

I think it is amazing how often the "have changed so much" since seeing us. My exBPDgf said just the same thing last night... .  she admitted to getting an STD as well, so I guess she did in fact change a bit. My exBPDgf has shown up on my doorstep 3 times uninvited while we were apart. Each time after a long bout of NC. Once on thanksgiving year before last... .  and I let her in and she seemed reasonable, talked about 10 minutes and asked for a kiss then led me to bedroom... .  had been 6 mos apart and I gave almost no resistance.

Next time was Christmas day, my exwife had daughter, she shows up about 10 am and said she couldn't take being apart, I argued for 20 mins, she said it was cold, came in and ran up to bedroom while stripping. I said there was no way, not happening, and she... .  talked me in to it anyway, then I had to get dressed and rush to family dinner with exwife/daughter... .  and I was a mess.

Last time, we had been apart for 4 months, she showed up, I threatened to call police, she acted like she had to hit restroom (I am 4 hrs drive from her... showing up is an 8 hr round trip of driving... .  ) and she went in to bathroom and never came out. I have two bathrooms connected by a pocket door, she had opened door quietly, slipped in to other one and worked around to bedroom and was naked and waiting. I came in got phone started calling police and she got up and got dressed, then started toward door... .  and did ... .  swear to god... .  faked a heart attack/panic attack... so started calling 911 and she got hold of my arm and said... .  please, no, this happens, I just need water and an asprin... .  I got them, she moaned and carried on, so I started dialing my exwife to come over... and my pwBPD... .  begged to just help her to her car... and around the front door dropped to floor and started crying... .  3 1/2 hrs had passed... .  it was about 2am... .  and she said she was dizzy, couldn't drive... .  just hold her  a few minutes and she would go... .  and I went to get more water, she went up to get her stuff and laid in her clothes on the bed saying the room was spinning. I sat there and we talked and 4 1/2 hrs had passed, I said I had to sleep, would go down stairs... .  she said she wouldn't do anything, I laid down, and woke up to her doing stuff, and I was like... .  oh, what the hell. Much to my surprise, when I woke up at 6am she got up and left without much fanfare. So day after Christmas... .  calls my exwife and does everything possible to ruin yet another holiday... .  didn't mention it, but everytime she made sure exwife got graphic details... .  and I swore I would never have a thing to do with the insane pwBPD again.

So, I am not proud of this... .  it last happened, year before last(2011) and burned much of any hope of reconciling with my exwife ever, which I am sure was my pwBPD's goal. She painted me black with not only my ex and daughter, but also her kid, and her folks and friends... some of which were mutual friends of mine. I used to think, when tempted by sex with my exBPDgf,  "why not? How bad could it be." And I can say easily that it was at least 10x as bad as the worst I imagined. All the conflicted feelings in me were stirred up, the hater came back in my pwBPD, my exwife was pissed, my daughter didn't want to have to see me for visitation, cried and wouldn't talk at all with me for a number of weekends... .  it was truly terrible... .  and completely calculated by my pwBPD.

If you feel strongly connected to your exBPDgf like I have been with mine, and you fought yours off, when she showed up. Kudos to you man, you made the right choice and I wish I had shown that sense any of the three times so far it happened to me. Good job!

[exbpdgf]

My T and I have gone through scenarios-what to say, do if this ever happens to me. One question I hope to ask my ex BPDgf: what is your part or what was your part?

A simple question that will tell me so much about where she REALLY is with things (getting help or just attempting to recycle me).

I told this to a friend of hers and she dared to ask my ex this question once (last year when my ex was bemoaning her "victim" status because I left). My exBPDgf went off on her. Taking absolutely no responsibility-she turned it all back on me. I unwittingly taught her friend something too (she was blown away by the vociferous response by my ex).

[Darknightx13]

If you feel strongly connected to your exBPDgf like I have been with mine, and you fought yours off, when she showed up. Kudos to you man, you made the right choice and I wish I had shown that sense any of the three times so far it happened to me. Good job!

That's the thing charred... .  I'm getting all this credit from the extremely supportive members of this forum, but I'm basically trying to say I may have very well failed at fighting her off if not for the inflated sense of reassurance I'm getting from connecting with someone else so quickly after my ex left.  Had I spent the last 2 months going to and from my job and sitting alone in my apartment, I very well might have caved in the exact same way you describe in your stories.  Don't beat yourself up.  I ended up in bed with my ex in several different recycle-type scenarios in the past.  It very well might have happened to me the other night if I weren't already thinking about the real possibility of hopping into bed with someone else.  I actually feel some shame in saying that, because I'm literally the last person on earth to "bed hop".

[charred]

I am not much of a bed hopper... .  after my divorce I refused to sleep with exwife, as I knew I couldn't do that and not be pulled back in to the r/s, and it wouldn't turn out well, it was hard on me and my daughter. So my exBPDgf has been the sole person I have slept with during last 3 1/2 yrs, and she live 4hrs away, and we were fighting at least half of the time left... I have visitation with my daughter half the weekends... .  so by the time she showed up, I was pretty willing to think, "what is the worse that could happen"... .  all I am saying is I grossly underestimated it. Now my exBPDgf has told me her replacement guy gave her an STD... so an STD could have happened... .  she had a hysterectomy some time ago, so a little one wasn't possible, but for others with pwBPD... .  those are all risks.

I don't feel bad about sleeping with her, I am either still in love with her or really trauma bonded or something... .  that didn't bother me, heck I would gladly spend a lot of time with that, the issue is the way she just used it to bludgeon my exwife/daughter... .  I didn't feel like there was any love or warm feelings at all behind it, like I did it with the Terminator. That feeling had been creeping in and it really is like getting cold water tossed on you... .  well it slowed me down anyway.

I am not proud of it... .  if I had not had my bridge burned with my exwife (by my pwBPD)... I would probably be back with exwife/daughter. However what is coming to light to me, is that I have issues to fix to make it work with anyone, and I am doing it, so if it is successful, there is some tiny modest positive out of all this... .  very tiny.

[Oneneatguy]

if I had not had my bridge burned with my exwife (by my pwBPD)... I would probably be back with exwife/daughter. However what is coming to light to me, is that I have issues to fix to make it work with anyone, and I am doing it, so if it is successful, there is some tiny modest positive out of all this... .  very tiny.

I find this puzzling, it sounds like you are saying the issue is your exBPDgf telling on you rather than you sleeping with her in the first place.  I am not being pious or  judgmental, heaven forbid I find myself in your shoes, I don't know if I could resist any better.  However in a moment of absolute clarity, I would have to ask myself why I chose to sleep with her.

When I married my expwBPD, I ignored the warning signs.  As much as I like to point the finger at her. I chose to ignore that something was wrong.  That was my part in forming a dysfunctional relationship.

This website has been an incredible resource in understanding my ex's behaviour, clearing up my confusion, and to stop blaming myself for her behaviour (i.e. if only I did this differently), it has also been instrumental in better understanding myself, what drew me to my ex, letting go of the ex, what about myself do I need to better understand so that I don't go down that path again.

[charred]

I was not with my exwife, we have been apart 3 yrs, I don't have an obligation to my exwife to avoid a woman I feel I have been in love with for 25+ yrs, even though she is nearly crazy in some ways. What bothered me was that a part of the crazy behavior of my exBPDgf... is to start fights with my exwife... .  and it is entirely unnecessary. The repeated bullying/harassing of my exwife and the collateral damage to my daughter bothers me greatly. I own up to it. My exBPDgf when being a hater sent me a lot of really nasty emails/texts and left graphic, nasty voicemails. I deleted them and went on with life, I didn't just forward them to her parents... .  doing so would have been the kind of thing my pwBPD would do.

I was simply stating, that my pwBPD didn't just want me (at times) she wanted to poison the r/s I had that she seemed to obsess over. As a result I am not just going back to my exwife, and I don't intend on going back to my pwBPD either, instead I am seeing a T and working on figuring out what my issues are and addressing them, as I would like a drama free, nice r/s.

I love my exwife, and had a lot of good years with her, and a lot of not very good years with her, but both she and I are happier apart, and she is still close to me, we share a daughter and after being together over 20 yrs I don't think we are going to be enemies... .  though my pwBPD did her best to make that happen.

Make sense?

[Oneneatguy]

Hi Charred,

Let me see if I understand this right.  You dated your exBPDgf over 25 years ago and you feel that you have been in love with her all that time.  You marries someone else, had a 20 year marriage/relationship and have a daughter together.  You divorced 3 years ago, and after your divorce you refused to sleep with your ex but ended up sleeping with your exBPDgf.  Your exBPDgf, has now poisoned your relationship with your ex-wife and your daughter is collateral damage?

Is my understanding correct? 

Have you kept in touch with your exBPDgf over the course of that time?  I am not judging, but your story is worrisome.  I know personally how challenging it is to get away from a BPD relationship but 25 years later it still has a hold on you. That is scary, here I have been thinking 1 year and I am free and clear! It seems I am misguided in my thinking.

[charred]

Unfortunately... .  you understand it right.

I was in college when I met my exBPDgf, I was totally smitten with her, and ready to get married, we had what I thought was a tiny tiff, and she dumped me... was devastated, she took up with the guy across the street from my house, so I would see her out my window with another guy... 2 weeks after I was talking with her about our future married. It really devastated me, I was suicidal/homicidal... and concluded the only way to avoid doing something really stupid, was to do something kind of stupid, I gave up my business (ran a chain of 3 medical clinics)... moved to the coast, left family, home, friends behind... .  and was truly jacked up for dating at least 5 yrs. Was about 10 yrs till I wasn't thinking of her all the time.  I had met my exwife by then, we dated 5 yrs, she reminded me of my exBPDgf... that is what had my interest. After 5 yrs we moved in together, then after 8 we talked and decided to have a kid (I had given up on my pwBPD)... and we did. While my then wife was pregnant my pwBPD contacted my sister, who told her to buzz off. Only later did I learn of it and it still bothered me.

I would have sworn I was totally over my exBPDgf... and up till she contacted me again, I didn't know she was a pwBPD, I thought I had screwed up somehow and lost my dream girl, and with it my dreams of building a big business, and a lot of other things... .  had not handled the loss well. She contacted me on FB... I wasn't interested... I said, and she said she had something to tell me important, that she might not be well health wise and wanted me to know the real reason she dumped me, would I call her... .  and I foolishly did. Her voice brought me to tears and I was right back where I was years ago... .  and would have bet money that couldn't have happened. My wife picked up on it, was hurt, and upset, and I was damn confused, but figured after all those years I was just feeling confused and would be fine. I saw my exBPDgf, and she greeted me with a giant kiss and I was a goner.

So... .  I have been seeing a T trying to understand how all this came about... .  whether I am just stupid or what... .  and I am just now getting it. The thing about my exBPDgf, was that during the honeymoon/idealization phase, she was manic and gave me what seemed like unconditional love, something I had never had in my life before, or since, and it was like crack, I wanted it bad. However, our r/s years ago had shifted her to the clingy stage and we were arguing a little, and when she went hater, she thought it best to just dump me... but still cared.

I fought off the unconditional love argument for a long time, but I think that is what it was. My mother's mother died in childbirth, when my mom was 5 yrs old. She took care of her sisters, but was dumped on her grandparents and left (her dad went to WW2)... so she is not a warm person at all, she cares, but is damaged pretty deeply when it comes to being a mother. I have been hyperactive, and shy and self conscious and everything else... .  and my T said it was from attachment issues, from getting very little unconditional love. I can count the hugs I have had from my mom on one hand... .  so meeting someone that to me was beautiful who shot past my defenses that kept everyone else at arms length, then gave me what seemed like unconditional love... .  had me ecstatic... .  then being dumped was the lowest low I ever experienced... .  and I just threw myself in to my work harder to push it out of mind.

My exwife loved me, but complained I had a wall up that kept people out and it was part of what made her want a divorce, the other part was me being interested in my exBPDgf. The problems were that the unconditional love... .  was anything but that, my dream girl was a nightmare, and I managed to destroy my life I had made, and my family unit... .  for an illusion from a disordered woman. We broke up 6 times in 3 1/2 yrs of trying to get back together. The hater stage came to be the predominant one and it left me feeling pretty stupid. I can see that everything from my lack of friends to throwing myself in to my work to avoid life, goes back to early attachment. Even being susceptible to my pwBPD. I just wish it didn't add up to me being screwed by it all. I have dated a few gals, and still talk to my exwife, but its hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Oneneatguy]

Hi Charred,

I read your post.  Sometimes it can be very difficult to figure out where the problem lies.  You say your exwife loved you but you kept a wall up that kept people out and it was a part of what made her want a divorce.  I think it is fantastic that you have self awareness about what was missing in your childhood and how that has affected you.

I am divorced twice, my 2nd wife I believe is a pwBPD, never diagnosed as such but the behaviours are clearly BPD.  My first wife was very much a control freak. After we divorced all my friends told me they were happy we were no longer together.  The easy thing is to say it was them, they had issues.  That might be true, but it doesn't really matter.  What I need to figure out is why do I feel compelled to be with issue laiden women?  Low self esteem, addicted to drama or high conflict relationship, am I a narcissistic rescuer? What's my story.

I do hope you find happiness and the light at the end of the tunnel.