In love or just codependent?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 (definition)

Hi everyone.  The subject line says it all... .  I'm at the stage now where I list all the things my uBPDbf has done, said and made me feel.  Wonder how (and more importantly whether) I am still in love with him.  If so -- why.  I'm honestly asking the question.  

I understand still loving someone and caring about them, hoping they are well... .  but "in love" is something different isn't it?  And, being in love with someone that pretty much only causes me harm ... .  seems like I'm saying I'm not worth anything better.

"The Four Agreements" says that you will only let someone abuse you as much as you abuse yourself (paraphrase).  Law of Attraction says that you get back the energy you put out in the world... .  so if I'm putting out the energy that I don't love myself and am willing to put up with "this much" and that "I'll do anything for you so you'll need me forever" ... .  isn't that what I'm going to get back?

The more I sit and think about the love of my life ... .  the more I really don't like him anymore.  The hook is still there ... .  and so I'm now deciding whether to respond to his voice mail (apologizing for being an "f" up again) ... .  or to just try and ride the anxiety of not responding.

Thank goodness for this website... .  not sure how I would be coping without it right now.  

[dragonfly13]

 (definition)

Hi everyone.  The subject line says it all... .  I'm at the stage now where I list all the things my uBPDbf has done, said and made me feel.  Wonder how (and more importantly whether) I am still in love with him.  If so -- why.  I'm honestly asking the question.  

I understand still loving someone and caring about them, hoping they are well... .  but "in love" is something different isn't it?  And, being in love with someone that pretty much only causes me harm ... .  seems like I'm saying I'm not worth anything better.

"The Four Agreements" says that you will only let someone abuse you as much as you abuse yourself (paraphrase).  Law of Attraction says that you get back the energy you put out in the world... .  so if I'm putting out the energy that I don't love myself and am willing to put up with "this much" and that "I'll do anything for you so you'll need me forever" ... .  isn't that what I'm going to get back?

The more I sit and think about the love of my life ... .  the more I really don't like him anymore.  The hook is still there ... .  and so I'm now deciding whether to respond to his voice mail (apologizing for being an "f" up again) ... .  or to just try and ride the anxiety of not responding.

Thank goodness for this website... .  not sure how I would be coping without it right now.  

[mssomebodynice]

I am of the same thoughts as you right now.  I know that I will receive a text from him soon.  I am going to try not to respond.  I am not ready to block but I am toying with that idea.  Why I am not ready to block?  I should be.  I should also love myself more than this.  I do expect more than this, but yet I keep allowing this person to be a part of my life.  I am disappointing myself.  I will however take baby steps towards the light.  Just know that you have a friend in the same place.

[dragonfly13]

thanks 

[Seahorse1]

Hi Dragonfly!

I'm glad you mentioned the law of attraction and other spiritual things...

After the break up several years ago of a LTR ( not BPD) I really got into all that spiritual stuff and it helped me grow in many ways... .  But at the same time I knew I was in a bad place emotionally and almost completely isolated my self for fear of " attracting" negativity to me... .  So keep that stuff in perspective

Also... .  Keep in mind that a relationship bond with a BPD is extremely intense... .  

The inconsistencies, the highs and lows throw us completely off balance!

I saw a T a few times and said that clearly I am not emotionally healthy or I would not have got my self into this relationship or at least not stayed in it... .  

He told me about another patient of his who was in the FBI who had never had any mental health issues in his past and was completely " duped" by a BPD!

I would imagine that many of us do have co dependency issues to some degree but also think the intensity, chaos, and confusion of a BPD relationship makes things much harder to deal with... .  

Right now I am soo confused and am forcing my self to take some time to evaluate everything... .  

Give your self some time... .  To process things... .  

[Seahorse1]

Also ,

What are his negative behaviors?

Eg. Cheating

Verbal abuse

Violence

Etc...

How frequent are they?

Do you realistically see them changing if both of you were committed to making it work?

What role if any do you think you have in enabling or triggering his behavior... .  

Just some thoughts... .  

[dragonfly13]

Also ,

What are his negative behaviors?

Eg. Cheating

Verbal abuse

Violence

Etc...

How frequent are they?

Do you realistically see them changing if both of you were committed to making it work?

What role if any do you think you have in enabling or triggering his behavior... .  

Cheating, lying, self-absorbed, negativity about all things, alcoholism, silent treatment-ing, projecting his negativity on me ... .  it's always me that ruins everything even though I'm just sitting quietly doing nothing.

I don't see him changing.  He's 66 years old and has gotten away with this for his whole life. But, he is seeing a psychiatrist and does acknowledge his depression, emptiness etc ... .  so ... .  who knows.  If he can remain reflective perhaps he can see himself more honestly.

I have supported him financially, emotionally, practically for 2 years now ... .  and have completely lost myself in the taking care of him (and accepting all his negativity in the process).  My resentment and anger over the cheating, lying and what I perceive as using has built up walls between us.  I need to change my ways if this relationship can go anywhere - romantically or otherwise.  I've started reading melody beattie and going to CoDa meetings to help me look within myself.

Just some thoughts... .  

[dragonfly13]

Sorry Seahorse --- looks like I included my response in your quote!

Cheating, lying, self-absorbed, negativity about all things, alcoholism, silent treatment-ing, projecting his negativity on me ... .  it's always me that ruins everything even though I'm just sitting quietly doing nothing.

I don't see him changing.  He's 66 years old and has gotten away with this for his whole life. But, he is seeing a psychiatrist and does acknowledge his depression, emptiness etc ... .  so ... .  who knows.  If he can remain reflective perhaps he can see himself more honestly.

I have supported him financially, emotionally, practically for 2 years now ... .  and have completely lost myself in the taking care of him (and accepting all his negativity in the process).  My resentment and anger over the cheating, lying and what I perceive as using has built up walls between us.  I need to change my ways if this relationship can go anywhere - romantically or otherwise.  I've started reading melody beattie and going to CoDa meetings to help me look within myself.

Just some thoughts... .  

[Seahorse1]

That's a lot of stuff!

Do you have specific dealer breakers/ boundaries?

Mine are physical abuse and cheating!

I think you are being very wise by taking some time to reflect on this before taking him back